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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask if you would send your 8 year old on a residential if they didn’t want to go?

120 replies

Annoyedandirritated · 17/03/2022 17:06

8 yo son never slept anywhere before, never had sleepovers with grandparents etc. He’s a pretty anxious child

School have a 2 day residential holiday and he’s the only one in the class not going.

Husband wants to force him to go, I say no wait till he’s older.

OP posts:
SpaceyCake · 17/03/2022 18:15

No. I'd gently encourage but wouldn't force it. If he's anything like me he would have a bad time and he would worry about it. I was a nightmare as a kid and I was terrified of sleepovers and I would worry about them for weeks. Often I would just end up crying lots and not eating. I don't know why, but I'm guessing anxiety (diagnosed with GAD at 18) and a strong attachment to my parents. I totally grew out of it by my teenage years but I did struggle when I was little.

My dad was a right legend when our class went skiing for about 4 nights when I was around 12. I really wanted to go but I was so nervous about it. In the end my dad and a friend's dad came with us. Grin The teachers needed volunteers to look after the kids so our dads joined us and everyone had a great time. All of my classmates thought our dads were really cool and chill, and I was happy because I didn't have to stress about the trip. I was quite spoiled in a way. Blush

ancientgran · 17/03/2022 18:17

@onepieceoflollipop

I wouldn’t force it no. But I would start working towards it for example afternoon at grandparents on his own to start.

He is potentially going to miss out socially in the future if he doesn’t feel able to sleep away from mummy and daddy plus what would happen in an emergency if one of you was very ill for example.

Maybe think about if he needs any help with the anxiety?

I think 8 is a bit young to be predicting his future. One of mine wouldn't have done a school trip at 8, it was a struggle at 10. They've travelled all over the world as an adult, some of it travelling alone, worked in India and Africa and more adventurous than my other children who would have happily gone off on a trip at 8.

I think forcing him will make him more anxious not less.

ancientgran · 17/03/2022 18:21

If residentials are so vital why do parents have to pay for them? Disadvantaging children from poorer homes doesn't seem right does it. They aren't vital that's why they aren't free and they aren't compulsory.

Ididanamechange · 17/03/2022 18:22

How far away is it from where you live? Could he be added on as a day visitor so gets picked in the evening and dropped back in the morning?

Iamkmackered1979 · 17/03/2022 18:24

8 is young to do that our school is 11/12 before they have their residential but my son wasn’t happy at start of week he’s still cross about it and wishes he hadn’t gone. I would not force a child to do something he didn’t want to do in that respect. My kids don’t do sleepovers etc and my older 2 went away and were fine but these 2 younger sons are not keen youngest isn’t going next year at the moment

mintich · 17/03/2022 18:24

I would encourage it and work on his anxiety.
I was this child and my mum used to just let me miss stuff because I didn't want to go. But it was my anxiety that was the problem and I wish my mum had helped me with it, as deep down I did want to take part.
Instead I've had to work on my anxiety as an adult.

lljkk · 17/03/2022 18:25

Made a child go & hugely regret it. He kicked off something rotten.
So I advise "No Way!"

Mojoj · 17/03/2022 18:26

I would strongly encourage him to go. And, I have to say, this is what happens when kids are not encouraged to sleepover at grandparents etc from a young age. They never learn how to sleep apart from their parents . It doesn't foster independence and self reliance. He will miss out on all the fun because he's too scared to be away from his mummy.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/03/2022 18:30

At 8 or 9 I recall speaking to a best friend who’d moved schools and she and her DB went on a residential trip and really enjoyed it. I wished our school did that but they didn’t. I’d send him.

Partyatnumber10 · 17/03/2022 18:30

No I wouldn't force him but I would try to persuade him.
I'd also offer to take him for a long day, so arrive after breakfast and leave after tea so that he at least gets a flavour of it without having to sleep there.

OldWivesTale · 17/03/2022 18:30

No. All kids are different and if he's not ready, he's not ready

Classicblunder · 17/03/2022 18:31

I wouldn't have presented it as a choice but more as a thing that is perfectly normal and is happening. I would talk through his concerns but be very encouraging about going.

katienana · 17/03/2022 18:31

@Iamkmackered1979

8 is young to do that our school is 11/12 before they have their residential but my son wasn’t happy at start of week he’s still cross about it and wishes he hadn’t gone. I would not force a child to do something he didn’t want to do in that respect. My kids don’t do sleepovers etc and my older 2 went away and were fine but these 2 younger sons are not keen youngest isn’t going next year at the moment
This will blow your mind but our school start them in reception! Just for one night. They all loved it, there were maybe 3 that didn't go. I wouldn't force him but like a pp said I'd start working towards more independent so he feels comfortable in future.
Gonnagetgoing · 17/03/2022 18:32

Oh I’d only stayed with grandparents once or twice too (because they weren’t keen on having us or my mum wasn’t keen on sending us to them).

When DM wanted to send us to PGL holiday camps we both said no but that was because we’d know nothing, none of our friends were going and it was lots of outdoor activities which we hated!

Classicblunder · 17/03/2022 18:32

@Mojoj

I would strongly encourage him to go. And, I have to say, this is what happens when kids are not encouraged to sleepover at grandparents etc from a young age. They never learn how to sleep apart from their parents . It doesn't foster independence and self reliance. He will miss out on all the fun because he's too scared to be away from his mummy.
Not everyone has grandparents who are able or willing to do overnights. We don't. My parents wouldn't cope and have never offered and my in laws live in the US so don't know the kids well enough
Gonnagetgoing · 17/03/2022 18:34

If there’s bullying issues or he bedwets and is anxious about those or other serious issues then I’d say no. Could he stay overnight with a friend or grandparents before this trip so it seems more normal and he can take things he needs etc?

tempester28 · 17/03/2022 18:35

At 8 no I wouldn't - if he was 10 I might

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2022 18:35

Lockdowns have probably made it worse.

Year 6 maybe. Your DS age? No. It's supposed to be fun!

shrunkenhead · 17/03/2022 18:36

I'd heavily encourage him to go as he'll probably enjoy it once he's there. He won't want to be the only one not going, surely? We loved residentials as two nights child-free !

Gonnagetgoing · 17/03/2022 18:37

What I would do is, have an extra special treat for him when he returns, ensure he’s up to date with pyjamas, clothes, toys, the latest must have item, even snacks to share with his friends if they’re allowed them. And is he allowed to ring or FaceTime/Skype you via a phone?

carefullycourageous · 17/03/2022 18:39

@Mojoj

I would strongly encourage him to go. And, I have to say, this is what happens when kids are not encouraged to sleepover at grandparents etc from a young age. They never learn how to sleep apart from their parents . It doesn't foster independence and self reliance. He will miss out on all the fun because he's too scared to be away from his mummy.
This is pure projection, with no research to back it up.

Separation anxiety is shown to be greater in those who are pushed to separate if they do not wish to, except in extreme cases (boarding school mainly) where they learn to suppress it for survival's sake (with lifelong negative consequences for some).

It isn't necessary to be away from parents at 8. It is necessary to be ready to leave the family home at 16+. The two things are not connected.

DamnUserName21 · 17/03/2022 18:40

Nope. All in good time.

converseandjeans · 17/03/2022 18:43

No I wouldn't force an 8yo. I don't understand why people think it's ok to force anxious children to do things they don't want to do. That would be rare as an adult. Children should have some say.

Can he go for the day & come home overnight then head back the following day?

I don't think it's easy for school staff either if he's tearful & homesick.

You could maybe arrange a sleepover so he gets that part of it.

Christmas1988 · 17/03/2022 18:47

I hated being away from home as a child, hated sleepovers, school trips overnight, I never went my parents never forced me thankfully and I’ve turned out fine as an adult. 8 years old is still young, he’s plenty of time to discover the world, don’t force him, what good will it do?

SarahBellam · 17/03/2022 18:48

I wouldn't force it, but I would be encouraging him, and building up his confidence and independence with things like sleepovers at friends and grandparents. In school, the excitement will reach fever pitch for those who are going - it really is a thrilling adventure for them, and they'll likely talk about it for ages after they get back so your son might end up feeling left out. My two are well into their teens and still talk about their respective adventures sometimes.