AIBU to ask if you would send your 8 year old on a residential if they didn’t want to go?

[Annoyedandirritated]

8 yo son never slept anywhere before, never had sleepovers with grandparents etc. He’s a pretty anxious child

School have a 2 day residential holiday and he’s the only one in the class not going.

Husband wants to force him to go, I say no wait till he’s older.

Force is a bit strong but I wouldn'thave presented it as a choice and I'd be doing everything in my power to persuade him. IME the ones who don't want to go get the most out of these trips. It's only 2 days.

I'd strongly encourage (echo the pp about doing some practice sleepovers) and talking about the positives, but if they were really opposed I wouldn't force them.

Can they go in the daytime and you transport them to and fro each evening and morning? I'd want to try hard to make sure they didn't fully miss out.

No point in forcing it, he’ll only be more worried. I’d deffo bribe though 🙈 I’d also make it clear if he gives it a go and really doesn’t like it, I will pick him up, no argument there. But he is still really young and there’s no big deal if he doesn’t go. He might just need more time.

No, I wouldn’t force it.

I would suggest we sign up and find a way to practice between now and the trip. Tell him that if the practice doesn’t help make him feel more comfortable, he doesn’t have to go.

IME the ones who don't want to go get the most out of these trips

Far from true in my experience. As an autistic and dyspraxic kid, The only thing I got out of mine was homesickness, stress, humiliation and extra time with my bullies. I do not get the fuss over the supposed importance of school residentials. It's perfectly possible to have a good childhood without residentials or indeed sleepovers.

Nope not at 8. Our school doesnt til yr 6 and I might gently encourage then as a rite of passage. But not at 8. Just leave it, save the money and have a fun movie night/popcorn at home instead. Genuinely no need if it will just unsettle them.

I don’t think you should force him. My youngest is 9 and hates sleeping anywhere apart from mine and my mum’s house. He’s been invited on scout/school sleepovers and begged me not to send him. I don’t care if every single other child in his group/class goes. I’d never force him. I encouraged both my children to join in such events, my eldest has done it and loved it. You can’t force children to be who you think they should be. It’s unlikely to make them more confident/independent, it only makes them unhappy.

8 years old sounds very young for school to be suggesting a residential
GS is 8 and in Yr 3, he'd refuse to go and he wouldnt be forced ( he's refusing cub camp)

Wow absolutely diagree wrt the ones who dont want to go get most from it. That's so far from the case.

Why are people just signing their kid up/strongly encouraging at 8? If they want to go - great! If they don't - fine! It's as mad to me as saying you're signing your kid up for boxing/flower arranging/belly dancing because they offer it and you'll make them go.

No, I was sent on a residential when I wasn't ready (on the basis that "you'll enjoy it once you're there") and it was awful - I cried for most of it and refused to eat. I just couldn't cope at all. It left me terrified of staying away from home for years afterwards.

I would encourage him to go, but absolutely not force it. As others have said, see if you can build up to it - eg can he stay with grandparents if you're there? What if you weren't there at bedtime (say you went out for dinner or whatever) but came back and were there for the rest of the night? If that's ok, let him try staying a night but you collect him first thing if he wants. Gradually show him that he can do it ok. Then maybe try him staying with a friend, or a cousin or something.

Ultimately, though, he'll be ready eventually, and there's no point in forcing him into something where he'll be miserable.

Nope.

Depends how long the trip is, 1 or 2 nights I would as it's not that long. But any longer and it encourage it but not force. My parents forced me to go on a 2 night brownie trip I was adamant I didn't want to go on when I was 7 and it was amazing!

I'd talk to my child about the positives of going on the trip but I'd in no way 'strongly' encourage an eight year old to go on an overnight trip that they're not completely happy about going on.
The fact that all of his peers are going really isn't important. He's not a sheep.

You are right, your DH is wrong. I would never force my child to do something non-essential.

Children who are pushed are much more likely to have issues later. Tell him he can go when he is ready. Being able to trust your parents is a far better foundation for life than an unnecessary school trip.

No. I absolutely would not send my 8 year old on an overnight trip if they did not want to go.

No I wouldn’t, but I also don’t think it’s right 8 year olds are doing this either.

But there we go.

I'd be tempted just so I could get a break.

I would not force him but if the the trip is months away right before summer holidays you have ample time to arrange sleep overs and prepare him to go. His anxiety could be from it being an unknown more than general anxiety.

My DD was under CAHMS for anxiety. They made it clear that we shouldn’t avoid doing planned stuff due to anxiety. He needs to learn to be anxious about something, do it anyway and see that he can cope. Otherwise he will never learn to manage worrying situations.

It’s a tricky one for me. I am the type of parent to (gently) force my DC to do things they don’t want to do, if I genuinely believe it’s in their best interest. However 8 is very young for residentials. Our school start them at Y5 and it’s presented as fairly non-negotiable.

I'd be positive and encourage him to go if you think he'd be OK once he's there but wouldn't force it. My DD is the same age and has autism. I don't think she'd be able to cope with bedtime there, but luckily they're not going this year so I've still got more time to make the decision.

Not if he’s never spent a night away. Maybe you need to work on that with family and friends first, so he knows he can come home at any point during the night, that often helps them feel safe.

Nope. But I’d have to “force” mine in the sense of literally carrying him in kicking and screaming (he has autism and anxiety). Fairly sure school would (rightly) refuse to take him in that state and I won’t destroy his trust in me or in school as a safe place by throwing him in the deep end. I’m all for pushing kids a little out of their comfort zone, but I’d say that starts with a night at Grandma’s house not a two night school residential. I would try to facilitate him going for the daytime part only, or collecting after dinner, but I wouldn’t and can’t “force” my DS to do anything (the only exception to that is essential medical treatment).

Personally I wouldn't force it but I would encourage him without pressure.
When my ds did Yr 6 residential for a week he was unsure as lots of activities involved water activities and he was nearly nervous around water and he also had never spent anytime away from us.
Because all his friends were going he really wanted to go but as it got nearer I could see he was nervous. Anyway he went and he absolutely loved it. There was only one activity he didn't do i the end

YANBU

8 is still really young. Lots of 8 year olds will be fine going on trips like this (I go on them every year with a youth organisation), but equally lots won’t. Homesickness can be bad enough for the kids who really wanted to go, but I’d hate to take a child away who hadn’t wanted to go in the first place! Also we often find unhappiness/homesickness is contagious

You and school should encourage and talk about it positively, but if he’s adamant he doesn’t want to go then don’t force it. There will be plenty of time to go on residential trips later.