Not to want to take DM out when she is refusing to wear dentures?

[ThoseTallTrees]

AIBU? DM is refusing to wear dentures because she says they feel odd so she now has a permanent gap in the front.

I think it looks so horrible!!

I used to take her out to nice restaurants etc quite a bit but no longer want to do so because I find it horrible to look at her while eating and she seems a bit underdressed without teeth!

I’ve had lots of supportive conversations with her about options, but she says she prefers to leave it.

Honestly I find it quite repellent. I try not to do so but I can’t help it!

AIBU not to take her out to nice restaurants anymore?

My dm wouldn't go out without her teeth in.
It's not just how it looks it's about self respect.
Shallow or not I don't think I'd be happy to sit in a restaurant with a toothless person unless it was a baby.

This has upset me, I cannot believe someone would be so nasty.

@ThoseTallTrees
You are NOT a terrible person…

The very fact that you are asking about it shows you are feeling guilty and you have tried to address it (both with her lots of supportive conversations and internally try not find it repellent).

Other posters are ignoring that you have offered to pay for implants, and are cooking for her at home etc.

What you have done is be very honest about your feelings. Not saying that you won’t do other things for her or spend time together - just not at expensive restaurants.

I think that is very reasonable/understandable - but you could go to cheaper places, pubs and garden centres are still a nice treat?
Also, maybe ensure you sit NEXT to her and not opposite when she is eating?

Don’t let others make you feel bad - you cannot help the way you FEEL, but you can help the way you behave.
And I haven’t seen anything that makes me think you are treating her in an unkind, or disrespectful manner (assuming here that you haven’t told her WHY you are no longer going to fancy places?)

This is seriously nasty
My elder brother has severe autism and eats with his mouth open, he can't eat another way. I would never feel like I can't eat with him. People look all the time because of the noises he makes.
Horrid, horrid post.

[quote ThoseTallTrees]@TheYearOfSmallThings So far I have just cooked for her at home instead. I think it’s worse because she’s always chewed with her mouth open too. Now without the front teeth we get a full view if we looked her way.[/quote]
I do think you're being unreasonable about the teeth. However, I don't think you'd be unreasonable to say that you won't take her out unless she eats with her mouth closed.

It is hard when people close to us undergo major physical changes OP - the word visceral is apt to describe feelings on such occasions. I would gently suggest that as long as you don't say these things to your mother, you're allowed to feel how you like. Please don't stop taking her places but maybe do try to stop worrying what people will think.

No I’m with you OP. I wouldn’t want to sit opposite someone eating without their dentures in.

I find your attitude quite repellant. Your poor mum. Hopefully she has someone else in her life who cares about her and not just her teeth.

@ThoseTallTrees

Ok I’m hearing you.

The irony is my DH used to feel this way about his mum and I used to think he was really mean. But now it’s my mum I feel exactly the same way. It’s really visceral.

Maybe you are struggling to deal with the ageing process of your mum?

You are totally unreasonable IMO, people look all sorts of ways, for example people who have had facial injuries or who have had strokes can look incredibly different to how they looked before.

I think you need to get some help with this, I mean that honestly and kindly.

JosephineMarching - So the OP's mum is only allowed to eat at cheaper places because of having no teeth! She's not allowed to go to expensive restaurants, wow!

Most important is whether the dentures fit properly or are causing pain or other issues.

Older people find it very difficult to adjust to and persevere with other prostheses - such as hearing aids - and the slightest difficulty puts them off full stop. This has an impact on quality of life that older people are often unable to articulate well. It’s uncomfortable with and they make do without, taking the path of least resistance, but both impact on quality of life.

So the root cause of why the dentures feel uncomfortable requires investigation before you start limiting your shared experiences i.e. dining out, and impacting on your Mum’s quality of life further.

If you make her feel bad about the dentures, she’ll then form a habit of minimising other things about her health as she ages, for fear of judgement, further reducing her quality of life.

Support isn’t enabling her by cooking or offering to pay for implants - which she might not want to do - it’s investigating what the actual matter with the dentures is, and whether it’s a question of gentle encouragement to persevere or whether she needs new ones that are a better fit.

OPS mum is choosing to eat with her mouth open and no teeth. It is nowhere near similar to someone with a disability that impairs the way they eat ffs.

Perhaps her dentures hurt or don't fit very well. Perhaps she feels they don't suit her. Could she get some new ones? You are incredibly mean and shallow, though. Your poor mum.

Hang on, Hang on. If OP's DM is not wearing her teth because they feel odd then she needs some support to get teeth that fit properly or maybe a bridge or implants. I'm of an age where some friends of mine are having to look at what to do following extractions and not a single one has found standard dentures to be a comfortable option.
Possible solutions are:

1. Chrome denture - these have a lacy sort of structure and are more comfortable and have a closer fit
2. A bridge, though it would be unusual to have one straight across the front.

3.Implants - you can have them even in your 90's usually. I have used a reasonably priced specialist dentist in Brighton for mine.

That's bloody horrible

I've got a couple of obvious gaps in my teeth that can be seen when i talk, but I don't want bridges or false teeth. If anyone doesn't like it they don't have to hang out with me.

YABVU and to be honest bloody nasty

Ignore the pile on and name calling OP. You’re not a bad person, you’re being honest.

I’d find it a bit revolting too. Can she go back to the dentist if it’s a comfort issue?

I’ve been supporting her to go back to the dentist and she has been several times. She is now just sick of it and wants to live without doing anything.

I’ve tried to address the chewing with mouth open for years - she says she finds it hard to breathe when she closes her mouth while eating so we have to put up with it. I always sit next to her if I can rather than opposite because of this.

I find it hard to see this on a par with a disability tbh.

You sound pleasant 🙄

Don't let this stop you seeing your mum, imagine looking back and realising that times you could have had with her were taken away over something as simple as dentures.

It hasn’t stopped me seeing her

I have an NHS partial denture. I wouldn't be seen anywhere without it! It's very comfortable but obviously not as good as natural teeth. I also shut my mouth when eating. I am 69 and quite vain. My DM had full dentures from young and always wore them. You are not being unreasonable OP.

@ThoseTallTrees - I’m going to bite. I had dentures - nhs ones that were so uncomfortable I didn’t want to wear them. Mine were also right at the front.

I ended up with private dentures. What a difference. I don’t even know I am wearing them. Could your dm have a look at those. Most centres do interest free credit? The joy of eating crusty bread and crunchy apples again never ends.