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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child let out of school early by mistake!!

110 replies

Bigblunder · 15/03/2022 18:23

So…… my child is 14, SEN, having a really hard time at school at the moment with friendships.

Yesterday, the plan was to spend all day with one teacher. Doing his own school work but in whichever class this teacher was teaching in.

Teacher described him as very anxious and very stressed.

After lunch, my son asked to go home and said he felt really worried about being in school at home time. And that he still felt very anxious and very stressed.

Teacher said that was fine, as long as a parent/guardian collected.

Usually, if I need to collect during the school day, the school phone or email me and I collect him from the Reception area and sign him out.

Yesterday, my son told the teacher I was waiting outside the school on the road. I was not.

I have never done this before. I always go to Reception.

The teacher, let him go.

Then 1hr later, the school phoned me to check I had him. The phone call was prompted by another teacher raising that I would never not be in reception.

I am not happy with my son for doing this at all, he knows better and I have told him so. I was pretty confident I knew where my son would be and he was. He was sat in the local park by himself.

School have no explanation as to why they didn’t email/phone me like they always have done. The teacher just said “I know better than this, I just don’t know why I thought it would be ok”

This teacher is usually absolutely amazing by the way.

The Headteacher, well, just walked past me not even acknowledging that I was there!

AIBU to think that the school have majorly messed up here and the Headteacher should of made contact to apologise at least?

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 15/03/2022 19:55

Hard to say if he has developmental issues which mean he needs to be treated as a much younger child but otherwise secondary age the school has done nothing wrong.

Sarahcoggles · 15/03/2022 19:56

@Overtheseas

It’s very difficult to say, without knowing the extent of your child’s SEN. If he is functionally and developmentally at an age where he can't be let out of an adult’s sight, then YANBU.

Otherwise, it is reasonable at a developmental age of 14 to expect a child to a) be honest when he’s seen a parent and b) be able to walk out of the school gate unaccompanied. So if this is the case YABU.

Exactly what I was thinking
WonderfulYou · 15/03/2022 20:00

If you have picked him up before the end of the day before then I can see why they thought it was normal for him to meet you outside.

We have a few students who leave early but the site is closed yet it’s right next to a public pathway so instead of parents having to buzz in and sign in they’ll wait on the path to meet them.

However I would definitely speak to school and just explain that due to his lying please don’t let him ever leave again unless you are at reception.

It’s not ok at all and you should definitely say something however no harm was done and her mistake was trusting your son so I don’t think you should go in all guns blazing.

sauvignonblancplz · 15/03/2022 20:00

Mumsnet baffles me.
On one thread about mobile phone usage and checking phones the consensus was not to check phones , children are trusted and parents have EVERY faith that their child will
Share anything untoward . Full trust is given.

A 14YO who lies , where the school are being very accommodating, needs to be held by the hand when entering and leaving school??

The teenager is completely at fault here and YABU.

saraclara · 15/03/2022 20:06

@Overtheseas

Well, if he has no EHCP and is in a mainstream school, I think you are being a little harsh. ASD needs to be taken into account of course, but in your son’s case he understands the rules and knew better to lie- as you say so yourself.

It sounds as though the school are very understanding and accommodating going above and beyond 99% of the time, very few 14 year olds would have such strict pickup arrangements. It’s great that he gets the support from them, but this being a ‘major mess up’ seems a bit far. He will be leaving school in 2 years time, after all. He needs to know that he is responsible for keeping himself safe.

This. The teacher (who is otherwise amazing) feels dreadful and knows she made an error.

Your school and that teacher are amazingly accommodating, especially given that they have no extra funding. To allow him to stay with a specific amazing teacher throughout the day (presumably missing the lessons he's supposed to be in) is really good of them.

Have you asked your DS why he lied, and how he feels about getting this really kind and helpful teacher into trouble?

Take it further, and it's unlikely that they will be as accommodating. Not for revenge, but because they'll realise that the strategies they've been using are a potential risk to him.

Blimpop · 15/03/2022 20:08

Not really got enough details, but I'd be cross with my child for lying and breaking trust of good teachers. But no, it shouldn't have happened and the teacher acknowledge that. Thankfully nothing happened and they can learn from the error of judgement

TheMooch · 15/03/2022 20:10

This a huge safeguarding issue.

It's irrelevant what your son tells staff- they need to ensure he will safe.

My sympathies, one of my children is autistic and an excellent escapee from school when they get anxious/ into meltdown mode. Can they create a safe place for him to wait until you arrive?

liveforsummer · 15/03/2022 20:17

TBH, I’m surprised that the teacher said yes to the request, regardless of SEN. Every school I’ve worked in has required a parent to sign the child out at reception during the school day, until they are in 6th form (at which point we require parental permission for them to sign themselves out).

We've not been a allowed anywhere near a school reception in 2 years. We aren't even allowed in the playground. Dd 12 comes out when I text her although the school have been the one to make the initial contact. Last week I had to collect DD8 and she was sent out alone at the time I told them I was collecting, where I was waiting outside the school gates but he road. Don't assume every school is that strict

liveforsummer · 15/03/2022 20:19

I don't think the head needs to be involved on this occasion either. The teacher made the mistake and has taken full responsibility and has apologised.

DuckonaBike · 15/03/2022 20:19

At my DCs’ school they can sign themselves out if they have to leave early for a doctor’s appointment or whatever. Surely this is normal for a secondary school? Older children have to start taking responsibility for themselves.

This sounds like a really tough situation but I don’t think you can blame the school.

TheMooch · 15/03/2022 20:21

@SafelySoftly

He’s not got a EHCP and is a mainstream school. Sounds like they’re already bending over backwards to accommodate his needs. You should get a EHCP if you need more.
ECHP' in our area are not easy to get for autistic students even with other comorbities. Especially hard if the child is what used to be called 'aspergers' as seen to be able verbally and intellectually.

Mainstream schools should be bending over backwards. They have duty of care and have to make adaptations (Education policy). There's no 'place' for autistic students seen to be able but actually struggle due to school environment (sensory/anxiety). Education is a big fucked up mess.

Harrysmummy246 · 15/03/2022 20:23

@Bigblunder

So…… my child is 14, SEN, having a really hard time at school at the moment with friendships.

Yesterday, the plan was to spend all day with one teacher. Doing his own school work but in whichever class this teacher was teaching in.

Teacher described him as very anxious and very stressed.

After lunch, my son asked to go home and said he felt really worried about being in school at home time. And that he still felt very anxious and very stressed.

Teacher said that was fine, as long as a parent/guardian collected.

Usually, if I need to collect during the school day, the school phone or email me and I collect him from the Reception area and sign him out.

Yesterday, my son told the teacher I was waiting outside the school on the road. I was not.

I have never done this before. I always go to Reception.

The teacher, let him go.

Then 1hr later, the school phoned me to check I had him. The phone call was prompted by another teacher raising that I would never not be in reception.

I am not happy with my son for doing this at all, he knows better and I have told him so. I was pretty confident I knew where my son would be and he was. He was sat in the local park by himself.

School have no explanation as to why they didn’t email/phone me like they always have done. The teacher just said “I know better than this, I just don’t know why I thought it would be ok”

This teacher is usually absolutely amazing by the way.

The Headteacher, well, just walked past me not even acknowledging that I was there!

AIBU to think that the school have majorly messed up here and the Headteacher should of made contact to apologise at least?

That is a ginormous safeguarding failure.

You need to formally complain, to the head, to the Governors etc. Especially as your son is vulnerable

Babynames2 · 15/03/2022 20:24

YANBU OP! Can’t believe people are suggesting it would be okay. He’s 14, of course he’s not allowed out of school without parental permission first. I work in secondary, whether a child has SEN or not we would have to call parents first. Big safeguarding fail by the teacher there, anything could have happened to him and no one would have known.

SausagePourHomme · 15/03/2022 20:25

the usual ill informed comments from people with no understanding of ASD Angry

regardless of how bad they feel, they need to tell you how they are going to make sure this can never happen again.

And seriously to people expounding who know nothing about ASD, please don't.

Babynames2 · 15/03/2022 20:28

@DuckonaBike

Do you not have to provide proof of appointment or letter/phonecall from parent beforehand though? You should have to, no under 16 should be allowed to sign themselves out of school without prior agreement from parents. It’s a not a case of them having to take responsibility but it’s safeguarding issue, the school have a duty of care. Year 12+ is obviously different.

Nighttimenope · 15/03/2022 20:45

In every secondary school I’ve ever been to, the doors are not locked during the day. You press a buzzer or whatever and go out. Kids can theoretically ask to go to the toilet and just walk out of the building…
Unless your child has a 1:1, they need to have some responsibility for being able to abide by common rules: ie. don’t up and leave.

EarPlugAfficionado · 15/03/2022 20:45

@SafelySoftly

He’s not got a EHCP and is a mainstream school. Sounds like they’re already bending over backwards to accommodate his needs. You should get a EHCP if you need more.
This
winterchills · 15/03/2022 20:47

@Shinyandnew1 completely agree

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 15/03/2022 20:50

It’s very obvious which posters have absolutely no understanding of asd.

Yanbu in the slightest. In this case I don’t think you necessarily need to take it further. The teacher has taken responsibility and will likely be kicking themselves and discussing it informally in the staff room.

The HT is being short sighted because an apology and being seen to take it seriously is what you need right now. By avoiding you, they’re making it more likely that you escalate.

So I think you need to take a deep breath and a step back. The matter has been noted, and everyone will probably be much more alert to your ds now, which is what you want. His safety is your issue and you’ve handled that well. The ignorant behaviour of the HT is not your issue to cure.

It could have been worse. True. But it wasn’t. And now you have one teacher who absolutely will make sure not to make that mistake again.

Porcupineintherough · 15/03/2022 20:51

Se ondary schools are not and should not be prisons. The thing that should stop a child getting out is the child itself.

DuckonaBike · 15/03/2022 20:52

Yes Babynames that is a good point about parents authorising absence in advance. This is a slightly different situation as OP’s son asked to leave as he was so stressed. But if the absence was permitted, the procedure for the child to leave needn’t be any different?

WTF475878237NC · 15/03/2022 21:00

It was a near miss and they need better procedures in place OP.

Babynames2 · 15/03/2022 21:04

*Teacher said that was fine, as long as a parent/guardian collected.

Usually, if I need to collect during the school day, the school phone or email me and I collect him from the Reception area and sign him out.*

From the OP. She hadn’t agreed for her son to leave, for some reason the teacher just allowed him to.

Honestly OP, there are a lot of posters here who clearly have no idea of procedures in secondary schools. I’ve worked in multiple over 10 years, you need to raise this with the head. If I’d done this I would expect a parent to. No child, whether SEN or not should be able to walk out of school. Most schools have fobbed exits at reception and gates for this reason.

And @Porcupineintherough it’s not a case of it being like a prison. We have to know where children are during the day, right down to what room they should be in and it’s why registers are taken in every lesson. For so many reasons, what if a child just walks out and gets run over? Mugged? Harms themselves? Kidnapped? Yes all unlikely but not impossible and therefore we have to prevent this. In an ideal world every child would enjoy school and want to stay but we know this isn’t the case.

And as for the comments about the school already ‘bending over backwards’ as it is because he doesn’t have an EHCP. That’s bollocks. We have to make reasonable adjustments for every child, to adjust to their needs as much as we can. And that is simply all the school are doing so far (not even doing that as they let him leave!).

Yes he shouldn’t have lied, and absolutely deal with that. But more so this is the responsibility of the adult in charge of him, who knows he has ASD, who should have known better.

MummyGummy · 15/03/2022 21:05

@cansu

Your child told a bare faced lie. I would be more cross with him. The teacher trusted your ds to tell the truth. I am sure the teacher is very upset. She won't trust your ds again. She probably will be much more careful in her dealings with him in the future. I think if the teacher has apologised I am not sure why you need the head to apologise as well. In your shoes I would be furious with my ds.
You would be furious with a disabled child who had become so overwhelmed and anxious they had to escape by any means they could think of?
Sirzy · 15/03/2022 21:07

@Porcupineintherough

Se ondary schools are not and should not be prisons. The thing that should stop a child getting out is the child itself.
The school Ds goes to the only way you can leave the grounds during the school day is via the main entrance when let out by a staff member.

Most children in a secondary school may be fine but there are others who their not being that security would be a potential major issue.