Help I don't think I can afford kids

[36looser]

I need help and advice. I feel so depressed and alone. My husband of 17 years finally decided he wanted a kid with me. He's 49 and I'm 36. He always told me that he didn't want kids and I loved him so much I decided to stay. Then end of last year he tells me that he's changed his mind. It has thrown my mind into turmoil. Because I don't think we can afford one now. Our mortgage is huge because of my husband age £1330 a month. He earns £2400 a month but our other bills, car, life insurance, council tax, food, gas, electrical, internet, nothing extravagant cost £1000. If I had a baby he couldn't afford that on his own. But how could I work full time having just had a baby?? And then most of my earnings would need to go on childcare so I'm back to square one. All of my friends have had babies this year but none of them are in my situation. They tell me if I really wanted a baby I'd just do it. I'm over thinking it. I'll find the money from somewhere! They also have parents that can help them. I feel so depressed.

What mat leave provision is available?

he made you wait 17 years to decide if he wants a baby or not knowing full well your biological clock is ticking and his would be fine. he doesnt sound great. he will probably leave you dangling another 10 years until its too late. leave him, meet someone else who does want children with you and sort out your finances so you can afford a baby. this man does not want a baby with you but will probably go on to have children with someone else. sorry op

Do you currently work? If so, what's the maternity package like? If not, can you start asap?
Childcare is expensive but it's temporary and there is help. If you are low income and on universal credit you may qualify for help with the majority of your childcare costs. If you don't qualify, you can still get tax free childcare (20% costs paid by government). Look up one of the benefits calculators (entitled to) and fill it out as if baby was here- you might be very surprised!

I see pp commenting on the DH changing his mind - unless there are other reasons to believe he's a shit, this alone is not a red flag - both men and women are allowed to change their minds!!

Childcare comes from joint income
And is not for ever
How much do you earn and what is your maternity package?

You can work full time if you need to.

@lemongreentea

he made you wait 17 years to decide if he wants a baby or not knowing full well your biological clock is ticking and his would be fine. he doesnt sound great. he will probably leave you dangling another 10 years until its too late. leave him, meet someone else who does want children with you and sort out your finances so you can afford a baby. this man does not want a baby with you but will probably go on to have children with someone else. sorry op

Haha didn't take long

Your friends are right to an extent. You just make it work as best you can! We barely get by but wouldn't change it for the world.

Haha didn't take long

17+ year evidently

@lemongreentea

*Haha didn't take long*

17+ year evidently

For the customary flowers and leave your husband.

You go interest only on the mortage and child goes into fulltime childcare

@lemongreentea

he made you wait 17 years to decide if he wants a baby or not knowing full well your biological clock is ticking and his would be fine. he doesnt sound great. he will probably leave you dangling another 10 years until its too late. leave him, meet someone else who does want children with you and sort out your finances so you can afford a baby. this man does not want a baby with you but will probably go on to have children with someone else. sorry op

And how quickly do you think OP can meet someone she loves and get pregnant by them? Silly advice. These things aren't to be rushed, maybe not 10 years but people always make these throwaway comments. It's not like she's 21

Have a look into childcare option, would you be eligible to claim childcare element of universal credit, or some employers do the tax free childcare vouchers?

Also you'll get child benifit of £80ish every 4 weeks

What's the work situation for you now?
Could you go interest only in your mortgage?
Could you downsize and take on a smaller mortgage?

If you want a baby, you'll find a way to make it work.
For me ( many years ago, the baby is now in his late 20's), we had a mortgage of over £1000 pm then. I had maternity leave and pay ( less than you would get now) and went back to work part-time when DS was 7 months old. I used savings to bridge the gap for him and the next baby, and 3rd baby was on credit card!
You don't go out much with a baby, so you're not spending on meals out etc, and didn't buy much ( anything?) new. We rented out a room in the house while I was pregnant, which topped up the savings a bit - is that something you could do? You could probably cut back on the bills a bit now in order to start saving, and maybe some extra work? Something from home or evenings/weekends? Depending on what you do and where you are ,you could probably earn at least £50 for weekend babysitting, or if you can tutor in something, a whole lot more than that.

It really depends on how much you want a baby. It is doable.

Save save save whilst ttc and pregnant. But everything second hand.
Do you work? What’s your maternity package like? If you don’t get a good maternity package I’d just take SMP and when your ready to go back to work find a new job with opposite hours to boost your income I.e hubby works 9-5 you work 2/3 evening a week for example. Don’t have to pay for childcare & a little extra income. If you want it enough you’ll make it work, the first few years will be hard but definitely worth it xx

Will you not get maternity pay?

Start saving now. You have at least 9 months to save as much as you can. From what you posted, nearly all your current salary could be saved to make up the drop in earnings when you are on maternity leave.

Similar financial situation to you OP.

We (jointly, DH & I) saved up for my maternity leave. Draw up a budget, and calculated how much we needed to cover bills & spending money until I went back to work so saved up the difference, plus extra for nursery costs (not all of it, but certainly helps!)

I couldn't go back full time as we had to find a balance where our earnings don't get swallowed up in childcare costs, but it's hard. We made provisions and saved but still having to very carefully budget and cut back wherever we can. We are running our savings down rapidly and don't eat out / go on holidays but it's hopefully only for the first 3 years and it's soo worth it :)

My advice is save, save, save!!!

How much do you earn? What is your maternity pay like? Have you got a spare room for the baby?

Honestly - while they are little they don't actually cost a lot. You can get most things cheaply (or free) from Facebook and friends and family are usually really generous with clothes - new and hand-me-down (most babies only get a couple of wears out of an outfit before they outgrow them - all of the secondhand stuff I've been given has been amazing).

So - it's really just making sure you can get by on mat leave. Cut back on where you can - e.g. if you have virgin/sky - cut back to netfix etc.

When you go back to work you'll be eligible for tax free child care (depending on your wage you may be eligible to help for childcare costs from Universal Credit). Can you and your husband both condense your hours (e.g do 5 in 4 or 10 in 9) thus reducing your childcare costs?

Childcare is about £5 per hour isn't it? And minimum wage is £9.50 or thereabouts. So that's more. And only for about two years, then there's government funded nursery/school for some of the hours. Even if you're only on minimum wage, you make more money than childcare costs for one child.

You might be better posting on the Relationships thread...all you're gonna get on AIBU is LTB (Because life is that simple )

Oh I hate the "remember childcare comes out of joint income" comments - yes so does the mortgage and bills. The OPs DP earns £2,400 a month. £2,300 a month goes on mortgage and bills so leaves them only £100 for food and everything else. So it really does matter what the OP earns in relation to childcare costs.

OP - youd be looking at around £1k a month for a full time childcare place, it varies from area to area so perhaps look at a few nursery costs near you. How much do you bring in a month? If its similar amounts to your DP, you would have around £1k a month to live on after bills once childcare was paid for, and then when dc is at school, you'll only have to pay wrap around so start being able to relax a bit. If you earn similar amounts, you could look at both going part time to reduce childcare bill and not have to put dc in childcare full time. (You could both do 3 days a week meaning you'd only have 1 day of childcare to cover and lower commuting costs)

Its worth trying to find out what benefits you would be entitled to, you might get help towards childcare.

Assuming you got pregnant this month, you'd still have 9 months to save (plus the first 6 weeks of mat leave is paid at 90%). If you could save £1k a month now to get used to the childcare costs, that can be used to top up income for the mat leave.

Do you still actually want a child OP? Because if so, yes things might be tight, but you’ll find a way to make it work. If, however you’ve got used to the idea of not having kids, please don’t change your mind for the sake of your DH who, let’s face it, is old enough to be a grandad.

Childminders are cheaper than a nursery and great for little tiny ones as it’s a home setting, you’ll have a year Mat leave then when the baby turns two you get the childcare grant so you’ll get up to 30hours free childcare.

If you want a baby you can make it work, people have children with much less money than you, it’s quality time and energy children need not tonnes of money and private education.

You'll be entitled to SMP as a minimum if you already work full time. You'll also be entitled to child benefit.

Once you're ready to return to work (you can get SMP for 9 months), you put the child into full time childcare and use the tax free childcare system where you pay 80% of your childcare costs and the government tops up the other 20%.

Once they turn 3 you get 30 funded hours a week.

I used to work in the evenings 6pm-11pm four nights a week in a large Chartered Surveying company as an Audio Typist which eliminated any childcare costs as my husband got home from work at 5:45pm 👍🏼