Help I don't think I can afford kids

[36looser]

I need help and advice. I feel so depressed and alone. My husband of 17 years finally decided he wanted a kid with me. He's 49 and I'm 36. He always told me that he didn't want kids and I loved him so much I decided to stay. Then end of last year he tells me that he's changed his mind. It has thrown my mind into turmoil. Because I don't think we can afford one now. Our mortgage is huge because of my husband age £1330 a month. He earns £2400 a month but our other bills, car, life insurance, council tax, food, gas, electrical, internet, nothing extravagant cost £1000. If I had a baby he couldn't afford that on his own. But how could I work full time having just had a baby?? And then most of my earnings would need to go on childcare so I'm back to square one. All of my friends have had babies this year but none of them are in my situation. They tell me if I really wanted a baby I'd just do it. I'm over thinking it. I'll find the money from somewhere! They also have parents that can help them. I feel so depressed.

Yes sorry what you said. My brain is a bit scrambled at the moment

You would get maternity allowance i think. Depends when you get pregnant and when you are working.

That is £600ish a month for 39 weeks I think.

I do actually believe that of people knew the cost of having children the random trips to the doctor, the clothes, the dentist, the orthodontics ... they would never have one

Have you never heard of the NHS?

Can you get a proper job that has maternity leave?

Yeh I knew it-all of your friends having babies set you off. That's their life not yours. You can't base making such a big decision as creating life on "well all my friends have started having them". Your husband doesn't really want any he's going along with it to make you happy that's not fair to either him or a child. He was very clear about not wanting them. You made peace with not having kids for all those years you can have a great life without them it's not a good idea with an old man who doesn't really want them you will end up resenting each other.

I’m going to go against the grain and agree you don’t sound in a good financial position and probably shouldn’t.
Struggling through life doesn’t sound much fun and although you probably could “make it work” is that really fair on 2 people working full time and a child who didn’t ask for a life skint?
I personally wouldn’t do it OP.

Can you downsize the house?

@QforCucumber of course some of us would.

Childcare is not forever - no, it gets far worse as they get older.

I love my kids desperately, but the way the economy and world has gone - would I if I had known?

Nope. Not ever.

If mortgage and bills are £2330 and your husband earns £2400, surely that’s fine? You can stay home to do childcare and work evenings or weekends for extra cash while your husband babysits, until the free nursery hours kick in and you can afford to return to work. You can also switch your mortgage to interest only and there’s always the option of credit cards or loans to tide you over the first few years until you get free childcare.

@QforCucumber

Your bills don’t sound that extravagant tbf, I bring in 1700 net and dh 1900 net. Mortgage is £850 and childcare is £1100, plus all other bills etc and then the general costs of having 2 kids.

If you think about it too much no one would ever have kids

Maybe people should think about it more-you are making another person go through life for several decades. Life is bloody hard and we have no choice in the matter, there is no greater responsibility than choosing to create life. How can you ever be thoughtless about such a huge decision affecting an innocent little being that never asked to be brought here. Having kids isn't a necessity-what's right for the child trumps everything, well it should do at least anyway.

At 19 years old you decided to marry a 32 year old man who said he never wanted kids but now he does?

Having children is priceless. If you want them , now is the time , you will find a way to make it work. Maternity pay will see you through the first few months. You can opt to work part time or full time after that. You might even be able to get some state help for childcare costs. You might even be able to cut your mortgage costs by putting a proportion of it on to an interest only basis, but only for a short time...maybe 2 years after you go on maternity leave.

I think you can make it work if you want to.
Babies don’t cost all that much when they are little if you don’t want them too. Just don’t buy anything new, (unless safety related- car seat/mattress) and take all hand me downs gratefully. That shiny new travel system with carrycot looks so enticing- but actually gets very little use. Same with these gorgeous little cribs and sleep aids.
As to childcare, when maternity ends, could you look at getting a weekend or evening job instead - I know someone who does 2 x 12 hour shifts on the weekend, while husband works in the week. So they swap the childcare between them.

Do you want a child is the important thing?
Do you want a child with someone considerably older who has changed his mind?
If you really want a baby then you can make it work.

If you're sure that you both want a child, you will find a way to make it work. Many people have children on similar or lower incomes.

If you don't wan't a child, end of story, your decision, no point in getting depressed about this..

am i reading a completely thread to everyone else?

your updates make things clearer OP. he already had a child, its really a case of he didnt want a child with you for 17 years...

@lemongreentea

am i reading a completely thread to everyone else?

your updates make things clearer OP. he already had a child, its really a case of he didnt want a child with you for 17 years...

He didn't want another child because the first time he had one his life went to shit. Now his first child is an adult it's easy to forget that.

Can you get a lodger? That's what we've done to pay for DS nursery. It's 100000% worth it... but we are so hard up! Happy though.

You would probably be entitled to SMP (statutory maternity pay) but if not you would definitely be entitled to MA (Maternity allowance). If neither of you earn more than £50k you will be entitled to child benefit.

For many women working 3 days a week is the (relatively) sweet spot in terms of pay versus childcare costs. Childminders are generally cheaper. Local authority or school nurseries are good options from 3 years as they give you the full 30 hours properly free (private nurseries add all kinds of sneaky charges in). If you can find a role where you are term time only that help hugely.

It is expensive but never don’t have a child you want because of money. You would regret it. It’s doable.

It doesn't sound like you want a child. Don't do it unless your heart and mind is it in, not just to accommodate a partner who may find it difficult looking after a growing child with increased age and risks of health conditions

@arethereanyleftatall

Childcare is about £5 per hour isn't it? And minimum wage is £9.50 or thereabouts. So that's more. And only for about two years, then there's government funded nursery/school for some of the hours. Even if you're only on minimum wage, you make more money than childcare costs for one child.

Oh the naivety!

Childcare is absolutely not £5 per hour in most of the UK.

I pay £64 for a 9 hour day at my child’s nursery place in the East Midlands. London would be significantly more.

I had my first older than you op. I went back to work at 10 months. If you want you will make it work.