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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help I don't think I can afford kids

90 replies

36looser · 15/03/2022 15:41

I need help and advice. I feel so depressed and alone. My husband of 17 years finally decided he wanted a kid with me. He's 49 and I'm 36. He always told me that he didn't want kids and I loved him so much I decided to stay. Then end of last year he tells me that he's changed his mind. It has thrown my mind into turmoil. Because I don't think we can afford one now. Our mortgage is huge because of my husband age £1330 a month. He earns £2400 a month but our other bills, car, life insurance, council tax, food, gas, electrical, internet, nothing extravagant cost £1000. If I had a baby he couldn't afford that on his own. But how could I work full time having just had a baby?? And then most of my earnings would need to go on childcare so I'm back to square one. All of my friends have had babies this year but none of them are in my situation. They tell me if I really wanted a baby I'd just do it. I'm over thinking it. I'll find the money from somewhere! They also have parents that can help them. I feel so depressed.

OP posts:

berksandbeyond · 15/03/2022 17:13

@arethereanyleftatall

Childcare is about £5 per hour isn't it? And minimum wage is £9.50 or thereabouts. So that's more. And only for about two years, then there's government funded nursery/school for some of the hours. Even if you're only on minimum wage, you make more money than childcare costs for one child.

Nursery is £80 a day here so your £5 an hour comment is just a bit out 😬

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 15/03/2022 17:16

Do you want a child? That is the question you need to ask yourself. Its not up to your husband alone. If you really wanted one you would find a way to make it work, we all do and its never easy. But you have to really want it. And Im not convinced by your post you do. Just because he has decided that's what he wants out of the blue does not mean you have to go along with it. Children don't just take money but also a huge amount of energy and time, and your relationship changes forever. Maybe things are perfectly good the way they are.

lemongreentea · 15/03/2022 17:16

For the customary flowers and leave your husband.

Pinkbonbon · 15/03/2022 17:16

I wouldn't have a child with a man who always said no and then suddenly decided to spring wanting a kid on you when you are 36 and will find conceiving difficult.

Is HE stressing about how you will keep afloat? If not then you really have your answer; that he has always been and remains a selfish git.

And no, I would not be having kids with him.

ConsuelaHammock · 15/03/2022 17:17

49 and no children. Does your husband not have some savings?
You both work full-time and move to a cheaper property if you really want to start a family. That’s my advice. If you don’t have savings, start saving now and both get an extra job for a while ( if you can).

Coriandersucks · 15/03/2022 17:18

If it’s something you really want you can find a way to make it work esp if you’re starting with decent salaries.

We didn’t think we would afford ds2 as he was a surprise, very close in age to ds1 so we were looking at 3 years of both in childcare at eye watering prices. We remortgaged the house! Dp is late 40s as well so not a spring chicken.

Mischance · 15/03/2022 17:19

There truly is never a good time to have a baby - unless you are stinking rich. Having our first threw our finances into turmoil. But we knew we wanted children and knew that there would never be a right time, so we ploughed in in there - and had 2 more. We rode out the financial storm and have never regretted it.

You could organise an appointment with a benefits adviser at Citizens Advice, and there are various online benefits/tax calculators that can help.

Just do it!

Barkingmadhouse · 15/03/2022 17:23

Could you afford a teenager with a retired husband? Personally I think he is too old to be having a child

2orangey · 15/03/2022 17:29

I'd be shocked if I were you. Why has he suddenly decided he wants a child now? Is he thinking of his legacy? Does he want to be involved in the day to day of having a child? Or is he expecting a more hands off role?

stayathomer · 15/03/2022 17:31

I do actually believe that of people knew the cost of having children the random trips to the doctor, the clothes, the dentist, the orthodontics ... they would never have one but people do and they survive and we survive in houses crammed full of love. Yes there's worry too, tons of it, but op most people cannot afford kids. We had children when we had 2 great wages and savings, then bought an apartment we never sold, had car issues, rented for years, I had to quit my job ... life throws stuff at you, but you chug on. The bigger question is whether you're panicking because you had accepted not having children

CoralDaffodil · 15/03/2022 17:34

As everyone else has said we need a bit more info really. I think most people worry about affording a child, and there is never a perfect time but it is right that you end up managing and babies don’t need that much.
Will you get maternity leave pay? At the minimum you would get SMP.
Could you return to work part time? - what’s your earning potential? Nursery is around £50 a day where I am, you just have to admit nursery eats into your wages, but as soon as they qualify for 30 hours free when they’re 3 it becomes much easier.
Do you have savings you could rely on? I had £6000 saved for maternity leave and that was more than enough in the end after my maternity packages.
You also get child benefit - not a lot but covers quite a bit of the baby stuff.
I think it depends just how much you want children, it sounds feasible.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/03/2022 17:37

Our mortgage is huge because of my husband age £1330 a month

What has your husband’s age got to do with your mortgage payments?

What do you earn in your job?
What is your maternity package?
What is the cost of nursery provision in your area (look at the nearest few to gauge prices)

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 17:39

What has your husband’s age got to do with your mortgage payments?

Shorter mortgage term if they got it later on...

sayanythingelse · 15/03/2022 17:46

You'll manage. That's what the majority of people with kids do unless you're very well off. DH and I worked opposite shifts for years to try and juggle family life. It's not fun but raising young kids can be an uphill struggle at times.

That being said, your outgoings seem high. Do you have cars on finance? Expensive Sky packages? I'd take a look to see if you can trim down your outgoings a bit.

Firefly1987 · 15/03/2022 17:47

Did he genuinely change his mind or did you nag him about having a kid until he finally agreed? Is it fair on the child-it doesn't sound like you have parents who can help and his parents must be quite elderly if still around, will the child have no grandparents and then lose their father young as well? Doesn't sound very fair to the child. You've also been with him since you were 19 (or even earlier) and he was 32?

DogsAndGin · 15/03/2022 17:49

Childcare is only temporary until school age though OP, so could you afford to take a loss for 2 years? Using savings to boost those couple of childcare years. Maybe childcare 3 days a week, with 2 days of family help?

Jericha · 15/03/2022 17:55

Tax free childcare can knock a couple of hundred a month off childcare costs if you're eligible, have a look on the gov website. This was a godsend for us.

Both start saving now so when your pay drops down on maternity leave you have a buffer.

Can either of you condense your hours to have a day off in the week to save on childcare costs?

You can get so much baby stuff second hand, the only things i avoided not buying new were mattresses and car seats.

As previously mentioned you should get child benefits too, about £88 every four weeks or so.

hemhem · 15/03/2022 18:02

Cost is one thing but also think about your DH age. Firstly life with a newborn and a middle aged husband who might not want to get up in the night, might be very set in his ways, then life with a teenager and a retired husband. How will you afford teenager clothes, activities, birthdays etc when your DH has retired?

Original poster

36looser · 15/03/2022 18:48

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I should explain a bit more. I sorry I don't understand some of the abbreviation used. My husband already had a kid when he met me. Yes I was 19 and he was 32. His previous relationship was very traumatic and when I was 25 he gave me an ultimatum, be with me or don't have kids. He was very open about not wanting any. It killed me because I love him very much. We split up but got back together again a year later because I couldn't move on. He's my best friend and I decided to stay. I made a choice to give up on ever having kids. The question remained in the back of my mind. We struggle to save for a mortgage. My husband went back to uni at 43 and then got a better job, we just last year were able to buy a house. But because he earns more we could only get a 20 year mortgage. My job is a temporary contract that ends next march. I don't know if I would get maternity leave because of this.

This year all of my friends were having babies and I got drunk and decided to test husband out if he had changed his mind and asked if he wanted a baby and he said yeah ok. He wants me to be happy and have what I want. I don't know what changed his mind. But he loves me and he isn't a basturd. He's wonderful man. Life is just complicated.

I had to do a lot of soul searching to find out if I still even want a kid. I brought a baby grow when I was 23 and kept it for when we would have a kid. I still can't bare to throw it away. Now it just seems so unfair that we both have good wages and no way to afford a kid.

OP posts:

Original poster

36looser · 15/03/2022 18:50

Also we don't have extravagant lifestyle. Haven't had a holiday in 5 years. Don't go out. Have Netflix yes but that's it. Just bills are huge. Not entitled to benefit due to his wages. I might get new style JSA if I was jobless.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 15/03/2022 18:55

Have you got any savings?
Have you analysed your expenses to make sure they are as low as possible?
Is your line of work usually in demand?
Could you live off your DH's salary for 12 months and save your own so you have a cushion for mat leave?
Childcare is a big cost, but it's not forever. If you can cover that for 3 years, it'll then start to feel easier.
If you have a child, would you be happy for them to be an only?

Chely · 15/03/2022 18:55

Many would never have kids if they waited until they felt they could afford them.
Time is not on your side, get cracking and make it work. Do your best to save up a financial cushion.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/03/2022 18:55

when I was 25 he gave me an ultimatum, be with me or don't have kids

That doesn’t sound like an ultimatum. Do you mean he said ‘stay with me and don’t have kids, or leave’?

Does he actually really want kids now?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 15/03/2022 18:58

I would have said we couldn’t afford dd2 but then dd2 was twins… somehow we managed.

QforCucumber · 15/03/2022 19:03

Your bills don’t sound that extravagant tbf, I bring in 1700 net and dh 1900 net. Mortgage is £850 and childcare is £1100, plus all other bills etc and then the general costs of having 2 kids.

If you think about it too much no one would ever have kids

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