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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All male colleagues have a Teams channel I'm not on.

113 replies

Choux · 15/03/2022 14:30

My manager is male and all his other direct reports are male. Male dominated industry trying hard to improve the gender balance. Lots of sport esp football talk but generally my colleagues are ok, family oriented blokes.

We wfh most days but go into office together Weds. My manager mailed this morning to all of us to say he wasn't coming to office tomorrow as he was going to the football tomorrow night and couldn't get there in time from the office. (He has a long commute)

Another colleague replied to all to say 'I am coming in still but you all know that as I sent a Teams chat on the subject'. I am not on the Teams chat. It's not clear if my manager is on the Teams chat or not or how often chat is happening on there and what topics are being discussed.

Maybe it's mainly football talk but I'm annoyed at being excluded, him not realising I am excluded and I'm even thinking about all the times over my career I have felt excluded eg hearing the men i sat next to every day in a previous role often went for a beer after work but didn't invite me.

AIBU to start my reply on whether I am going to office tomorrow with 'Which Teams chat is that???'

OP posts:
Original poster
Choux · 15/03/2022 17:40

@FindMeInTheSunshine

Is there one colleague you are closest to you could ask, and just say you realised that you might be missing out on work chat, even if it was set up originally as a football chat group? I do sympathise though. I found my three closest (male) colleagues were in a WhatsApp group to chat about football. Of the four of us, guess who is the only one with a season ticket?
Too funny - I hope you join in their post match analysis at every opportunity!
OP posts:
MadameDragon · 15/03/2022 17:41

They are exposing your company to risk by doing this so I would talk to HR, whose job it is to tackle these types of risk.

balalake · 15/03/2022 17:42

@girlmom21 it applies to far too many men. Or they have the views of the Prime Minister, for whom women are only valued for one thing.

EggBanjo · 15/03/2022 18:47

@Zillamop and @AlisonDonut

No, it's because some women can't stand men to have something of their own. They always want to muscle in, not just online but in clubs etc too.
Has it ever occurred to you that they don't want us women there changing the group or clubs dynamics and conversation.
I would be furious if I had a women's only group and a bloke tried muscling in, then stamped his feet in a strop when refused.

worriedatthistime · 15/03/2022 19:35

Could it be a team chat that some of them are on as relative to something they were working on and not you
You could of just been forgotten
Maybe they have Set up a football chat and do you like football
I wasn't invited to team meeting other day , I queried why and it was just an error that myself
and another male colleague had been left off
So just ask there could be many reasons

AlisonDonut · 15/03/2022 19:38

[quote EggBanjo]**@Zillamop* and @AlisonDonut*

No, it's because some women can't stand men to have something of their own. They always want to muscle in, not just online but in clubs etc too.
Has it ever occurred to you that they don't want us women there changing the group or clubs dynamics and conversation.
I would be furious if I had a women's only group and a bloke tried muscling in, then stamped his feet in a strop when refused.[/quote]
You can have as many clubs and gangs as you want but this is a work group.

Work.

Which the OP forms part of.

If it was a work group of female people and one male excluded it would still be discrimination because it is a work group.

Work.

Does this really need explaining in 2022…?

worriedatthistime · 15/03/2022 19:39

@AlisonDonut but Op doesn't know if its work related

AlisonDonut · 15/03/2022 19:43

[quote worriedatthistime]@AlisonDonut but Op doesn't know if its work related [/quote]
Apart from all the other people knowing that the colleague isn't going to be in work.

Keep up. It's in the first post.

TheMildManneredMilitant · 15/03/2022 19:44

There's lots of times at our work that chats have just evolved from meetings too. So say all but one make team meeting, chat attached to that continues after meeting, people don't realise you aren't on the thread.

twominutesmore · 15/03/2022 19:47

My brother is the only male teacher in his school and excluded from the all-female chat that was set up years ago to discuss a night out to see a famous group of male strippers. He doesn't feel like he can say anything, but it is still active and he feels very excluded. But as you say, there is lots about this chat that you don't know yet, so better to find out and then mention it with humour or discretion rather than force their hand. They'd only add you then set up another one.

AlisonDonut · 15/03/2022 19:47

@TheMildManneredMilitant

There's lots of times at our work that chats have just evolved from meetings too. So say all but one make team meeting, chat attached to that continues after meeting, people don't realise you aren't on the thread.
If your team is completely made up of one sex, apart from one person, and that person is the only one never invited, then it is discrimination. You maybe need to go on a course if that keeps happening to you.

It is pretty blantantly obvious surely?

EggBanjo · 15/03/2022 20:11

@AlisonDonut If it was about work and they wanted her there, then they would invite her.
She's just stamping her feet because she's not being able to join the men.
She even states that they should have invited her for a beer.....why the hell should they!
I don't invite the blokes I work with on a female colleagues night out.
No, she just wants to be part of something because she doesn't like to think they have something without her.

Shrekles20 · 15/03/2022 20:19

Why don’t you just have a quiet word with your manager about it and ask? That’s what I’d do. I’m the only woman in an otherwise all-male team and anything team related such as absences is discussed on our teams channel.

I’m sure people have their own private group channels for social chit chat, I’m in one myself…but it shouldn’t be the case that everyone in your team is in it apart from you especially if discussing team related stuff. That’s blatantly just leaving you out.

ThePlantsitter · 15/03/2022 20:20

@EggBanjo are you deliberately being a dick? The group is on Teams therefore is provided by work therefore is work related.

She doesn't want them to have something without her because it gives them an advantage in the workplace and therefore gives her a disadvantage as the only one left out of it.

As an aside you seem to know an awful lot about the motives of this group of men Confused

Shrekles20 · 15/03/2022 20:22

I also agree it’s discrimination. It must feel really isolating to be the only woman on your team and never get invited out for drinks….you’re being excluded from lots of informal networking opportunities.

It shouldn’t be that way and hasn’t been for me. I’ve often found the guys I work with pretty inclusive. There’s something wrong with the culture where you’re working.

AlisonDonut · 15/03/2022 20:22

[quote EggBanjo]@AlisonDonut If it was about work and they wanted her there, then they would invite her.
She's just stamping her feet because she's not being able to join the men.
She even states that they should have invited her for a beer.....why the hell should they!
I don't invite the blokes I work with on a female colleagues night out.
No, she just wants to be part of something because she doesn't like to think they have something without her.[/quote]
Good grief. We have so far yet to go.

EggBanjo · 15/03/2022 20:35

No we haven't @AlisonDonut Women can't have everything their own way.

Clymene · 15/03/2022 20:39

For anyone saying this is fine, if it turns out the entire team bar the OP are on this group chat, and she is the only woman on the team, she would have a very, very good case for clear discrimination under the Equality Act.

So, you know, you're chatting shit.

EggBanjo · 15/03/2022 20:53

You mean run crying when they don't get their own way.

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 20:53

OP can we get clarity - are these men your team or do you all just report in to the same boss but manage different business areas?

AlisonDonut · 15/03/2022 20:58

@EggBanjo

You mean run crying when they don't get their own way.
It is a work team group. What are you talking about 'their own way'? If they are discussing work stuff it disadvantages her, and by her i mean the only female in the team.

Honestly sounds like you are quite the bully in your own life if you can't work this out.

Savoury · 15/03/2022 21:16

I've had a career of this nonsense in a male dominated industry and it's usually the married men who do this. Single or divorced men seem much less likely for weird reasons and invitations are widely shared. Is it because the marrieds are so obsessed with not being seen to mix with women in case there are blurred lines? (As if!!) The older the group of men, the less it happens too.

I probably wouldn't bring it up and would let it go but that's me.

Wavypurple · 15/03/2022 21:53

@EggBanjo what an odd phrase

Original poster
Choux · 15/03/2022 22:00

@girlmom21

OP can we get clarity - are these men your team or do you all just report in to the same boss but manage different business areas?
We all report in to the same boss but manage different business areas. Our remits are related but we don't need to have interactions re work projects. So I imagine the chat is mainly social and probably mainly football. It's the thought that all the men may be socially bonding with my manager in a chat group that I haven't been included in. I don't even have evidence that is happening this time. But it has in previous role.

The men are mostly married with kids who are tweens and teens. If it's relevant I am single, no kids so unless I talk about my godchildren and niece who are all younger that's not a topic we are going to bond over either.

OP posts:
Zampa · 15/03/2022 22:09

Id say if you really wanted to be more included would you agree it's better to get more involved e.g. The meeting after work ect, events like that help you fit in as one of the team so to . ?

The issue with "out of hours" meetings and/or socialising is that it can exclude those with caring responsibilities (essentially, women). Inclusive workplaces have socials at lunchtimes as well as after work and ensure meetings are held when everyone can attend.

I still think about the Friends episode when Rachel takes up smoking so she's included in work decisions ...

Anyway OP, @TheSpottedZebra is spot on with option 4.