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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know I am. MIL coming to stay.

103 replies

WeasilyPleased · 14/03/2022 12:12

My MIL lives in NZ which for me is a good thing as she is openly hostile and critical towards me. Last time she came over she invited several family members to our home and I came home from work to a very drunken party going on with a couple of people staying over. None of this agreed by my dh and I. She takes over my kitchen as she says my food makes her feel ill. I am a good cook.
Our first baby is almost a year old and she hasnt asked much to dh about her. I try not to talk to her and she doesnt ask to talk to me. Her dad died of Covid during the first lockdown and obviously she (and we) couldnt attend the funeral but she is coming over to scatter the ashes.
Dh says she will also stay here.
Since dd was born I've had anxiety and struggle to leave the house on my own. I'm on the waiting list for an OT to help with this.
Dh sees no problem at all about her coming. I am already having anxiety dreams about it. She won't have enough money to stay in an hotel as she and her second husband live in a shack in the middle of nowhere and he works as and when he can.
She has never really shown much interest in dh even as a child so he's very grateful for any interaction with her and obviously loves her very much. I would never interfere with that and try not to be too critical of her to him but I dislike her and hate what she put him through when he was younger.
Her not coming is not an option.
I'm going to have to suck it up aren't I? I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
WeasilyPleased · 14/03/2022 12:12

Sorry. That went on a bit. Any advice how to cope?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 14/03/2022 12:14

Have you even got room now that you have a child?

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2022 12:16

Why does she have to stay?

Your DH doesn't get to overrule you

Sh05 · 14/03/2022 12:17

How long will she be staying? And is she expecting to be kept entertained?
Are you back at work after baby? Does dh intend to take time off work?
All the answers will give us an idea of what could help you

Chamomileteaplease · 14/03/2022 12:17

How long is she coming for? You need to make sure you have an end date.

Maybe this will be the push to get you out of the house?

Squeezita · 14/03/2022 12:19

No on hostile to you should be staying in your home.

What if you told DH she can't stay?

And if she does stay, can you limit it to one week and you go and stay elsewhere with baby?

MouseRoar · 14/03/2022 12:26

if you can afford it, could you break up her visit by going to stay somewhere else halfway through for a few nights? You need to have a conversation with your partner about future visits and how distressing they are for you, it's not ok for you to have to just endure these visits from a woman who treats you badly.

BrightonBunny · 14/03/2022 12:27

What do you think would happen if you said to DH that she cannot stay?

Would he chose her over you and his child?

If so, you may as well split up anyway.

Xpologog · 14/03/2022 12:27

How long is she staying for? Make sure she’s got a return ticket!!!
Can you and dc go to visit your family or friends for a few days in the middle ( which was arranged ages ago and you can’t change, of course) I understand your difficulties leaving your home but this might help both issues.
You could take up yoga or meditation that means you have to have a quiet house for an hour ( at least) a day. Use the time to have a nap in your room. Just play appropriate music.
Any places or people you can arrange for MIL to visit for a few days?

Snog · 14/03/2022 12:28

I don't understand how DH thinks there are no issues with her staying when you are in anxious and unhappy about it?
That makes no sense.

Chloemol · 14/03/2022 12:46

There are issues and I assume you and dh have discussed these

If you haven’t then you need to do so now

If he insists she is staying then now needs to take holiday for the whole time she is here and he is responsible for her

Could you go and stay with family/friends for a few days whilst she is here

DustyDoorframes · 14/03/2022 12:49

I know you say a hotel is out of the question, but any chance you (between you!) could stretch to an airbandb? My mum often stays at one, and we get on really well...

liquidrevolution · 14/03/2022 12:52

Your dh needs to tell her to get an air bnb.

Well she clearly does not like staying at your house...

On a practical note, do you work? Can you go elsewhere for the duration?

CaptSkippy · 14/03/2022 12:53

It's weird your husband thinks it's okay that she stays considering her behavior before. With the drunken parties and the nasty comments about the food you cook, why even let her in the house ever again?

The fact that she has no money is not your problem.

Bananabutter · 14/03/2022 12:54

Your DH doesn’t just get to turn around and declare she’s staying without asking your thoughts on the matter.

It doesn’t matter who it is or where they’re coming from, you make the decision together.

Riapia · 14/03/2022 13:04

Who is paying her air fare if she has to live in a shack.
I hope it’s not your DH.

RedHelenB · 14/03/2022 13:14

I'd suck it up given the reason she's coming over. Or could you offer to pay for her to stay elsewhere if not, that's the only compromise I can think of.

DameHelena · 14/03/2022 13:26

@Snog

I don't understand how DH thinks there are no issues with her staying when you are in anxious and unhappy about it? That makes no sense.
Yes, this. What does he think about, specifically, the unagreed drunken party? And about how your food makes her feel ill?
sixswans · 14/03/2022 13:31

If she's horrible to you don't be polite back. You have a baby so she can't take over the kitchen. Don't do anything to make her stay comfortable. What time does baby wake up? The noisey early mornings might put her off!

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2022 13:35

How long is she staying for? I could probably 'suck it up' for a week with someone like your MiL, but any longer than that I'd be taking my child and going to my parent's or BFF's for the duration. My DH would have to deal with his mother completely on his own AND have to restore our house to 'order' once she had gone.

I just can't imagine my DH ever inviting anyone, even his mother, to stay at our home who had had a drunken party or invited people to stay over. And I know you and she 'avoid talking' to each other, so does your DH really 'get' the animosity between you?

(I need to say here that my MiL was a dream so I'm speaking theoretically)

Gerwurtztraminer · 14/03/2022 13:38

How long is she expecting to stay with you OP? It's a long way to come so assume at least 2 weeks?

Firstly, you don't have to suck it up. As other poster have said, this is a conversation you need to have with your DH to find alternative places she can stay. Even if you didn't have anxiety, having a person to stay for several weeks is an imposition. That is not preventing him seeing her as he still do that if she stays nearby. You need to sit him down and calmly explain what you need from him and ask for his support and ideas for alternative accommodation for her.

If you really can't avoid her staying, then you asked for coping mechanisms. The first is getting your husband to agree exactly what he will do in this time to manage her. Such as taking leave to be around to 'entertain' her and support you.

I'd start by agreeing 'house rules' with your husband and he emails her those in advance. Something along the lines of "last time was difficult for us all and we don't want this visit to be the same. We now we have Baby as well, which changes things a lot, so this time we'd like to set out what the expectations are so this visit goes more smoothly. Such as ." (... asking before inviting people over, treating Weasily with respect so no unkind comments, asking before taking over the kitchen to prepare meals, her spending time outside the house every day to give you time alone with baby etc).

Once here, don't fall into the trap of being waiting on them hand and foot, he does that. She eats your meals, or uses the kitchen after you are finished or buys a takeaway. I know you are finding leaving the house hard but could you take baby and stay with family or friends for a few days? Or have friends visit you for coffee when MiL is there for moral support. Just find ways to avoid her. Call her out firmly on unacceptable behaviour and walk away/out of the room if she is rude.
It may be hard, but stick up fr yourself assertively and don't let her 'take over' in your own home.

SarahProblem · 14/03/2022 14:29

Why does DH get to override you? Are you in that kind of relationship?

If it were me and DH was so adamant - I'd make him pay for a hotel for me to stay. Why should you feel uneasy, stressed and unhappy in your own home. He should be protecting you.

GabriellaMontez · 14/03/2022 15:08

How long is she staying?
Does he make all the decisions? Don't your needs and opinions matter?

WeasilyPleased · 14/03/2022 15:54

Thanks for the comments. She comes for about a month/6 weeks and splits her time between us and family further south.(unless she's inviting them to ours)
God knows how she can afford the flights. We dont pay for them.
My husband is odd about it. He says he only sees her every few years and surely I can put up with her for that long. If I push it he gets annoyed and says he'll tell her not to come.
I know this makes him sound horrible but his family history is one fucked up can of worms (as is mine but in a different way which meant we understood each others prickly bits) and he just thinks Im jealous of her. I'm not.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/03/2022 15:58

Then he must walk around with his eyes shut and his ears closed.

What happens if you tell him exactly what she says/does?

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