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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am. MIL coming to stay.

103 replies

WeasilyPleased · 14/03/2022 12:12

My MIL lives in NZ which for me is a good thing as she is openly hostile and critical towards me. Last time she came over she invited several family members to our home and I came home from work to a very drunken party going on with a couple of people staying over. None of this agreed by my dh and I. She takes over my kitchen as she says my food makes her feel ill. I am a good cook.
Our first baby is almost a year old and she hasnt asked much to dh about her. I try not to talk to her and she doesnt ask to talk to me. Her dad died of Covid during the first lockdown and obviously she (and we) couldnt attend the funeral but she is coming over to scatter the ashes.
Dh says she will also stay here.
Since dd was born I've had anxiety and struggle to leave the house on my own. I'm on the waiting list for an OT to help with this.
Dh sees no problem at all about her coming. I am already having anxiety dreams about it. She won't have enough money to stay in an hotel as she and her second husband live in a shack in the middle of nowhere and he works as and when he can.
She has never really shown much interest in dh even as a child so he's very grateful for any interaction with her and obviously loves her very much. I would never interfere with that and try not to be too critical of her to him but I dislike her and hate what she put him through when he was younger.
Her not coming is not an option.
I'm going to have to suck it up aren't I? I'm dreading it.

OP posts:

Cyw2018 · 14/03/2022 18:10

Ground rules for your DH...
He hosts them (prepping house, providing food, driving places, cleaning after etc)
He takes annual to entertain them.
You and baby come and go as you please, I know this is difficult with your anxiety, but maybe set up an escape plan with your family/close friend beforehand.

If he agrees to all these things and sticks to it, they can stay, if not then your DH needs to find them accomadation elsewhere.

BrightonBunny · 14/03/2022 18:31

If I push it he gets annoyed and says he'll tell her not to come.

Great - what's the problem then?

Rinatinabina · 14/03/2022 18:34

Why does he think you are jealous of her?

Porcupineintherough · 14/03/2022 18:40

@BrightonBunny

If I push it he gets annoyed and says he'll tell her not to come.

Great - what's the problem then?

The problem is he wants to see her and have her stay with him. And given that its once every few years he has a point.

@WeasilyPleased are there any family and friends you could stay with during her visit to limit your exposure. And YY to making your dh do all the hosting whilst you avoid her as much as possible.

Jedsnewstar · 14/03/2022 18:44

6 weeks? If she can afford the flights she can afford a b&b. Why should you be treated like a second class citizen in your own home?!
Your husband is being an arse, he can still see her, just somewhere away from you.

If I push it he gets annoyed and says he'll tell her not to come.

“Great - what's the problem then?”

Second this. If he says it again say “that will be great love thank you” then walk off before he can reply.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/03/2022 18:46

He takes annual to entertain them.

The problem with that is that most people don't get masses of AL, so even if she's only there for two weeks (which it sounds like will be the absolute minimum and could be more) that eats into the time he can take AL to be with/go on holiday with/do nice things with his wife and DCs.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 14/03/2022 18:55

I'd move out with your child until they've gone. 6 weeks? Jesus. 🤮

Porcupineintherough · 14/03/2022 18:56

He could take some annual leave though to give the OP a break. It cant be just left to her to deal with.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2022 18:59

So he says "I'll just tell her not to come then", does he? I'm with PPs, tell him "Thank you, I'm glad you understand and will uninvite her".

6 weeks is a long time, but do you have family you could stay with? Because honestly, that's what I'd do. I'm sure your DH 'loves' having her because you do the majority of the work whilst he plays 'lovely son'. So leave him to 'entertain and care for' her. I wonder if once he realizes he will have 6 weeks of her on his own he'll be so keen for her to stay that long.

It's time to call his bluff.

Cyw2018 · 14/03/2022 19:00

@Feedingthebirds1

He takes annual to entertain them.

I don't realistically expect OP DH to take 6 weeks annual leave, I expect him to manage his mother better, by telling her she can only stay for the number of weeks he can get off work.

StoneofDestiny · 14/03/2022 19:01

Crikey - say no and mean it! She can stay with the other family members she brought uninvited to your home.
Nobody who makes you feel like this should be in your home - whoever they are. Surely he can see this?

StoneofDestiny · 14/03/2022 19:02

I get on fantastically well with my family and in laws - but no way would I have them here for 6 weeks!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/03/2022 19:03

Ask dh how he is getting so much time off work... And has he meal planned. After all she won't eat your cooking... And book yourself a trip to see some relatives afwtr a week.. Tell dh you will be home when she has gone.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 14/03/2022 19:08

If she’s coming, you need to take control of what you can.

That means setting house rules and not backing down regardless of how uncomfortable it gets.

Whatever happens, it’s going to be awful…so perhaps take the decision not to be a passive recipient of her bad ways.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 14/03/2022 19:11

“Just play appropriate music.” I’d be playing inappropriate music. Death metal between the hours of 3 and 7. (Headphones and ear protection for baby)

Riapia · 14/03/2022 19:16

I can’t understand how someone who lives in a shack can afford the airfare.

MrsWinters · 14/03/2022 19:36

I don’t care where she’s confronted you don’t have to put up with someone who is openly hostile to you in your own home. Tell her to get a b&b

middlingnot · 14/03/2022 19:41

If she can't/won't stay somewhere else then you need to agree ground rules with DH and he has to enforce them. If you've been pussyfooting around her now may be the time to be more assertive and be clear about what behaviour you'll not accept from her. Hopefully she'll go to the other relatives for a good chunk of her visit.

Can you go and stay with friends or family for part of her visit?

WildfirePonie · 14/03/2022 19:51

I wouldn't play host. Drop the rope. Stay in your bedroom and go out to avoid her. Don't cook or clean for her. Let DH do all the donkey work. He can make the bed and cook and clean.

Gilly12345 · 14/03/2022 19:51

As your Husband seems to think so much of his Mother can’t he go and visit her?

crosstalk · 14/03/2022 20:00

Just talk to your DH. Agree a time his Ma can be with you. Get him to explain to her you are both working, DC at school, and limits on guests - it's your house not hers. Where else will she stay during her time over - she should sort it out before she comes. If necessary say you'll do a family party but on your own terms so she knows she's welcome but there's a limit.

ilovemyboys3 · 14/03/2022 20:00

I could put up with it for a week or 2 at a push but not a month to 6 weeks. It would be an absolute no no to her inviting family to your house - make that abundantly clear from the off.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/03/2022 20:02

Put your foot down and say no. Tell your husband if she stays you are divorcing him. Scream if necessary.

saraclara · 14/03/2022 20:06

6 weeks? If she can afford the flights she can afford a b&b

I see this said all the time, and it makes no sense.
My late DH's relatives are in Australia. When we planned to visit them, most times it took a year, often longer, of living on next to nothing to afford just the airfare. Our spending money the first time we went (a long time ago), was all of £50. And we went for three weeks.

The relatives were well aware and took it in turns to host us, not dreaming of letting us contribute to food etc. We'd buy them a coffee or something, and they were perfectly okay with that.

Saying that affording the air fare meant we could afford three weeks b&b is simply ridiculous. We could probably have paid for one night that first time.

TravellingFrom · 14/03/2022 20:20

Assuming you can’t (and actually dint really want to) say no because of how important it is for your DH.

I think you need strong boundaries. Starting with the idea that your DH is totally in charge of her. That means dealing with people she might invite but are not welcome, telling her she is overstaying if she is, telling her iff if she is rude to you etc….
You also need to be clear about what is nit acceptable to you and make it non negociable.

I found that often, as women, we still try to smooth things Uber so it never look that bad from other people/partner pov. But when they actually have to deal with said difficult relative themselves, their tune changes….

I’d also look at having some time off/away. Could you go and spend a few days with family?

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