Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am. MIL coming to stay.

103 replies

WeasilyPleased · 14/03/2022 12:12

My MIL lives in NZ which for me is a good thing as she is openly hostile and critical towards me. Last time she came over she invited several family members to our home and I came home from work to a very drunken party going on with a couple of people staying over. None of this agreed by my dh and I. She takes over my kitchen as she says my food makes her feel ill. I am a good cook.
Our first baby is almost a year old and she hasnt asked much to dh about her. I try not to talk to her and she doesnt ask to talk to me. Her dad died of Covid during the first lockdown and obviously she (and we) couldnt attend the funeral but she is coming over to scatter the ashes.
Dh says she will also stay here.
Since dd was born I've had anxiety and struggle to leave the house on my own. I'm on the waiting list for an OT to help with this.
Dh sees no problem at all about her coming. I am already having anxiety dreams about it. She won't have enough money to stay in an hotel as she and her second husband live in a shack in the middle of nowhere and he works as and when he can.
She has never really shown much interest in dh even as a child so he's very grateful for any interaction with her and obviously loves her very much. I would never interfere with that and try not to be too critical of her to him but I dislike her and hate what she put him through when he was younger.
Her not coming is not an option.
I'm going to have to suck it up aren't I? I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 14/03/2022 20:23

A month! Six weeks! That's not necessary!!!

WallaceinAnderland · 14/03/2022 20:27

If I push it he gets annoyed and says he'll tell her not to come.

Great. Do that. What's the problem?

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 14/03/2022 20:28

Can you stay somewhere else with your wee one?

Let DH spend time with her but you are under no obligation to do so.

ChubbyMorticia · 14/03/2022 20:32

Nobody hostile is welcome in our home, doesn’t matter who it is. It would be a frigid day in Hades before I left MY home so someone else could be there. Nope.

My husband wouldn’t ask it of me, nor I him. We respect each other more than that.

VickyPolli · 14/03/2022 20:38

Annoying with the party yes but, I mean, a Month, split with relatives, every few years, surely can be done? How much critical and hostile exactly? Some examples would help. Have you tried building a relationship?

Original poster
WeasilyPleased · 14/03/2022 20:41

I can't go somewhere else. I have agoraphobia which I underplayed in my first OP.
He wont talk about it without getting angry. The atmosphere at home us awful and she's not even here yet. I would hole up in the spare room but she'll be in it.
Thanks for the suggestions but nothing works.

OP posts:
Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 14/03/2022 20:44

I would say no, she can stay elsewhere and it's not up for discussion. If her staying will effect your mental health then don't do it. She can still see your dh and dd but she doesn't need to stay at your home. If she can't afford it that's her problem, not yours. Stand firm.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 14/03/2022 20:46

@WeasilyPleased

I can't go somewhere else. I have agoraphobia which I underplayed in my first OP. He wont talk about it without getting angry. The atmosphere at home us awful and she's not even here yet. I would hole up in the spare room but she'll be in it. Thanks for the suggestions but nothing works.
Sorry only just read this as i posted, your dh needs to put YOU first end of. Tell him if he insists then you and him will have a relationship breakdown as he's not considering you.
Snog · 14/03/2022 20:53

"He wont talk about it without getting angry."

That's a big red flag OP. In a healthy relationship you need to be able to talk about things and not to have an anger dynamic that controls behaviour.

Is DH behaviour generally controlling in this way?

WallaceinAnderland · 14/03/2022 20:58

As usual on these threads, you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

TravellingFrom · 14/03/2022 21:00

@WeasilyPleased

I can't go somewhere else. I have agoraphobia which I underplayed in my first OP. He wont talk about it without getting angry. The atmosphere at home us awful and she's not even here yet. I would hole up in the spare room but she'll be in it. Thanks for the suggestions but nothing works.
What is he expecting then @WeasilyPleased?

Does he expect you to welcome his mum, cook and clean for her etc?
What will his role be then?

RampantIvy · 14/03/2022 21:00

I have agoraphobia which I underplayed in my first OP.

That must be difficult for both of you. No wonder relations are strained between you. Is he always so unsupportive? Is there any other support you can seek for it? Could it be undiagnosed PND?

HappyintheHills · 14/03/2022 21:07

Move into the spare room before she does. Make it your safe space.

LittleOwl153 · 14/03/2022 21:16

Given you last post. He has to say no. It is so unfair on you for him to expect this. You will just have to keep saying no until he gets it. But do seek help if you are not already as that is no way to live.

middlingnot · 14/03/2022 21:17

So your DH controls the situation by (a) making childish threats "I'll tell her not to come then" (b) getting angry to shut the conversation down?

Actually (a) is quite good for you but (b) is not on, you should be able to discuss things with him.

LittleOwl153 · 14/03/2022 21:18

And yes take over the spare room. It can be your safe space as it sounds as though you need the space more than his mother.

LankylegsFromOz · 14/03/2022 21:44

OP you haven't given any examples of how she is hostile toward you. But based 8n what you have written, you have to suck it up. Not only that, but you need to suck it up with a smile on your face. Your DH is right, it's once every couple of years. You are sounding very selfish. I know how you feel as I've had that smile plastered on my face for 20 years, it's almost real now, but I do it for my DH.

Annoyedtoomuch · 14/03/2022 21:51

Ok. So sounds like she is coming and you can’t go. Sounds like you don’t want to lay down the law with DH. If you can’t avoid it then you need to survive it:

  • look for a guided mediation/deep relaxation instruction video on your tube and practice every day. This way you can go to your calm place in your head and body more easily as and when she triggers a reaction. But you’ll need to start practicing now.
  • agree with DH a daily time when he will let you have your bedroom to yourself for an hour or two with no interruptions so you can be alone for a bit each day. Have some nice things to do - manicure, good book, drawing - anything to nurture yourself.
  • let her cook - one less thing to worry about.
  • be clear that you are not happy to have other guests in the house (no room, not ok with the DC - need for sleep/routine) so if she wants to see other people she will need to go to them.
  • agree all this with DH: ‘your mum is important to you and so I want to make her welcome but can we agree that…’ including what you expect from him if she is rude or critical of you in any way.

Come on here for distraction and to vent. We will be here to help you survive. It’s just a couple of weeks. You can get through it and it won’t kill you.

Best of luck getting help with agoraphobia - it will be challenging getting through it and you’ll need to work hard at it, but think of the positive impact on your DC to have mum that’s enjoying life and getting out there more. Flowers

Prepaway · 14/03/2022 21:56

If she’s a kiwi who lives in a shack in the middle of nowhere she will have no problem camping in a tent. Present her with one when she arrives and give her a snack if takeaway menus as she dosnt like your cooking then point her to the garden or nearest field.

I get your DH dosnt see her much but agree you should not be made to feel uncomfortable or disrespected in your own home, he needs to understand that, his issues aside.

If it was me I’d think, we’ll see dosnt fucking like me anyway so i wouldn’t care and tell her to pull her head in or fuck off. What is the worse that can happen, she still dosnt like you and your DH us pissed at you, nothing different to now so you may as well get something from it.

Prepaway · 14/03/2022 21:57

Stack*

SauceGirl · 14/03/2022 22:01

Jeez he gets to see his Mum for a couple of weeks every few years. I imagine he hasn't seen her since before COVID. And you want to deny him that?
I hope that your baby isn't a son and none of the other cruel posters have sons either.

passmethelatte · 14/03/2022 22:03

Hi, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way about your MIL ! To be honest IMO she would not be staying in my house if this was my situation. I understand how you feel about your DH saying she will be staying but at the same time, you must express to him how much anxiety it's causing you. You don't have to sit back and take her criticism and comments, no one should make you feel like that in your own home it's your safe space. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, she isn't entitled just because she is related.

saraclara · 14/03/2022 22:10

I'm sorry, she sounds awful and you clearly have some difficulties.

But she's his mum and he's not seen her for years. Can you imagine telling your own mum, under those circumstances, that no, she can't stay with you?
It's a nightmarish situation for him as well as you. He simply can't say no to her, and if this OP was written the other way round, and it was your DH vetoing your own mum coming after all this year's, the responses here would be very different.

With the best will in the world, it must be difficult for your DH to manage your anxiety and agoraphobia, and this must seem the ultimate in him having to live life around it.

I'm sorry, it really does sound hellish for you, but I think a lot of posters aren't really thinking this through. How many of us could say no to our mums in this situation?

declutteringmymind · 14/03/2022 22:12

Is there anywhere you can go for at least some of the time she is there. Give him and his mum some 'quality time'.

declutteringmymind · 14/03/2022 22:13

Worth, the whole thread hadn't loaded, I've just seen you can't go elsewhere. Maybe develop a cough?

Swipe left for the next trending thread