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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women sending DH gifts

87 replies

TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 00:02

Just that really

She is a FB contact who lives in another country. I know of her but neither of us has met her. She's on his friends list as a friend of a friend. Comments on his posts regularly, always bland comments but deffo regular.

Today we took DH's car out and in the car was a box contains headache pils from the country she lives and some sweets local to her too.

I didn't know that right away and instead asked DH where the pills came from.

He said 'oh that crazy FB girl sent them to my office.... she must have googled my address. She also sent those sweets. '

Now..... she had previously sent random items once before and I sort of ignored it but this time around I'm feeling annoyed as they've plainly been messaging back and forward for her to know about his bloody headaches.

DH is a serial hypochondriac and I've spent literally hours calming down his health anxiety about these sore heads. I think I'm just a bit hurt he's also felt the need to discuss his health with a girl he hadn't met and goodness knows what else .

'Maybe I'm AiBU to be annoyed but I do feel a bit betrayed by him engaging in personal chat with this women and also hacked off he didn't tell me right away and that I had to find them.

Be good to get some views. I actually didn't say a word today when he told me but have subsequently stewed with this all day.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2022 00:05

Your husband is playing with fire and he should have unfriended/blocked her by now. Totally inappropriate shenanigans going on.

Hiddenvoice · 14/03/2022 00:15

I completely agree with pp. He’s been messaging her more than he’s let on- she wouldn’t just google his work address.If she wanted to send something then she would have offered and he’s suggested his work.
Id ask him outright how often they talk and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
I don’t think it’s a case of her bothering him, he’s been messaging her back by the looks of it.

CatAndHisKit · 14/03/2022 00:16

I think it's no big deal, sorry - especially as he's telling you about it and is dismissive of her. Hypochondriacs will share their worries with anyone who'll listen.

Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 00:26

Yes to telling anyone who will
Listen thing....I can absolutely see that he does this. That was my initial thoughts too. It's only as I've pondered it today that I've made myself worry.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 14/03/2022 00:31

He needs to stop messaging her. She could be a crazy stalker for all he knows! And now she knows his work address!

DramaAlpaca · 14/03/2022 00:34

I think you need to be totally blunt with him and tell him how inappropriate it is and how it's made you feel. Ask him how he'd feel if it was you receiving gifts from some FB random.

LaurenKelsey · 14/03/2022 00:34

He needs to stop messaging her. This can’t lead to anything positive.

Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 00:45

Would I be over the top if I asked to see the messages? Working on the premise that if he says no... it's because the messages are beyond health chat and that he has something to hide from me?

Not sure I want to know to be honest... but equally can't bury my head in the sand

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2022 00:48

You'd be crazy to let this slide.

Hiddenvoice · 14/03/2022 00:52

I’d speak to him about it all.
It’s weird she’s sending presents but I feel there’s more to it. Yes he will speak to anyone who listens but seems weird that she’s a sending gifts.
Ask to see the messages and if he says no just question why he’s hiding them since he referred to her as a crazy Facebook friend.
I think it will bother you more not knowing.

Flickflak · 14/03/2022 01:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Sofasogood1 · 14/03/2022 01:15

Your husband is a dick for messaging rather than blocking. Why do you need to see the messages? You know he likes the attention of (random?) women. He blocks and stops. She's weird, he's weird for letting it happen

cuno · 14/03/2022 01:20

I don't see the issue with him discussing his headaches with someone else and don't understand why you feel hurt about that. Are people only allowed to tell their partners about a headache?

I don't like however that he refers to this woman as "crazy FB girl" when presumably he gets on well with her and they have a friendship. I don't think he even thinks that, he's just saying it to placate you because he knows you disapprove of this friendship rightly or wrongly. I think he also clearly gave her his office address. I don't think it's a problem at all to receive a care package of sorts from a friend in another country, it's quite common with friends and family in different countries and hardly intimate. However, he's acting shady about it and lying, he tried to hide it in his car from you. His actions say a lot.

CassieMc543 · 14/03/2022 01:24

He's definitely had a part to play in this, it's inappropriate and I would confront him sooner rather than later

ManateeFair · 14/03/2022 02:32

If the headache tablets are a drug he can’t get over the counter in the UK, she shouldn’t be sending them overseas and he certainly shouldn’t be taking them. If they’re just ordinary headache pills like ibuprofen or paracetamol but with a foreign brand name, then it’s weird to send them when he can just buy the same generic drug here.

If she really did Google his work to send them to him, he really needs to block her pronto because that’s stalky. If he has been PMing her and he gave her the address, then he’s actively encouraging her. Neither is OK.

JangolinaPitt · 14/03/2022 02:37

If it is innocent she could simply have asked his home address and sent stuff there.

RedRec · 14/03/2022 03:08

I am always amazed at posters who claim to be cool with this sort of shit.
If totally innocent, why didn't she send this stuff to his home address? (as a pp said).

MsDogLady · 14/03/2022 04:08

Inappropriate. He and this woman are validating each other.

His agenda in devaluing her as That Crazy FB Girl is to keep you distanced from their cozy setup.

Assert your boundaries asap, Tequila.

Malibuismysecrethome · 14/03/2022 04:18

I don’t think you are being fair dismissing his headaches as health anxiety and hypochondria.
He may indeed be suffering headaches but should see a doctor.
Regarding this Facebook follower I think you should definitely trust your gut. How is she even aware of his headaches, surely he doesn’t post about them.

CorsicaDreaming · 14/03/2022 04:36

He doesn't necessarily need to have given her his work address. If he works at a university for example, or anywhere he has an online work profile page, she could find out where to send it without asking him directly via a one-off internet search.

I've just been emailed at work by a (male) someone not at all connected to my work - I'd be really upset if my DH found out and accused me of encouraging anything / being flirtatious, etc. I've not asked him to email me, he's just done it out of the blue.

So I think context is important.

And your DH description of her as "that crazy FB lady" maybe does sum her up if she's sending him headache pills through the post!

I'd just have a chat to him about it and see what he says. But not jump to any conclusions.

isthismylifenow · 14/03/2022 05:24

Yes I'd ask to see their messages.

If he'd asked her to send over meds that you can't get, he should have mentioned this to you at the time. 'Oh X can get those headache tablets so she's said she'd send me some'...

Except he didn't, so why not?

SunshineAndFizz · 14/03/2022 05:34

Yeah it's weird. They clearly chat and he's never mentioned it. She's crossing boundaries by messaging and sending him stuff. It's inappropriate.

SnagsCardies · 14/03/2022 05:43

And your DH description of her as "that crazy FB lady" maybe does sum her up if she's sending him headache pills through the post!

If she was crazy fb lady who sent unsolicited pills through the post then the normal reaction would have been to throw them away not start taking then.

Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 06:06

@Malibuismysecrethome

I don’t think you are being fair dismissing his headaches as health anxiety and hypochondria. He may indeed be suffering headaches but should see a doctor. Regarding this Facebook follower I think you should definitely trust your gut. How is she even aware of his headaches, surely he doesn’t post about them.
He has health anxiety about lots of things from his head to his toes and all major organs in between. It's an ongoing battle to stop him having catastrophic thoughts.

I know he seeks several opinions of his ailments from me, friends and family.... just an a bit shocked that he's also seeking opinion from a girl he doesn't know.

I'm guessing that there's a way more comfortable line of chat before he started speaking to her about this.....that's more why I'm upset.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 14/03/2022 06:11

So basically you are just jealous he is talking to another woman

Well he is talking about his headaches. Not really a sexy topic. He is allowed to talk to strangers you know. And if he really is a hypochondriac : be happy he is talking to other people . Those people are draining!

But do tell him to see a shrink about it.

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