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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women sending DH gifts

87 replies

TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 00:02

Just that really

She is a FB contact who lives in another country. I know of her but neither of us has met her. She's on his friends list as a friend of a friend. Comments on his posts regularly, always bland comments but deffo regular.

Today we took DH's car out and in the car was a box contains headache pils from the country she lives and some sweets local to her too.

I didn't know that right away and instead asked DH where the pills came from.

He said 'oh that crazy FB girl sent them to my office.... she must have googled my address. She also sent those sweets. '

Now..... she had previously sent random items once before and I sort of ignored it but this time around I'm feeling annoyed as they've plainly been messaging back and forward for her to know about his bloody headaches.

DH is a serial hypochondriac and I've spent literally hours calming down his health anxiety about these sore heads. I think I'm just a bit hurt he's also felt the need to discuss his health with a girl he hadn't met and goodness knows what else .

'Maybe I'm AiBU to be annoyed but I do feel a bit betrayed by him engaging in personal chat with this women and also hacked off he didn't tell me right away and that I had to find them.

Be good to get some views. I actually didn't say a word today when he told me but have subsequently stewed with this all day.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 14/03/2022 06:13

Oh and listen to your gut
If it is just a "boohoo he talked to another woman and not me" let it go. Jealousy is not a good trait
But...
If it is a "I think that he loves her and is up to no good" : investigate

Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 06:20

@Marvellousmadness

So basically you are just jealous he is talking to another woman Well he is talking about his headaches. Not really a sexy topic. He is allowed to talk to strangers you know. And if he really is a hypochondriac : be happy he is talking to other people . Those people are draining!

But do tell him to see a shrink about it.

I'm not feeling jealously really. He has lots of female friends , some joint friends and some friendships he's had for years before me. I know several that he talks to about his health. And I feel fine ( and often thankful) about that.

This situation just felt a bit different as I know he'd not be forthright about his health unless he felt very comfortable with the person and it's to all intents a new person that he doesn't actually know and so I'm feeling that they've been chatting about lots ne then this came up.

Yes to the person who said 'boundaries'..... I think it's more that.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 14/03/2022 06:27

He is enjoying the attention he is getting from someone else and you are jealous.
You seem dismissive of his feelings (fair enough if this is what he’s like) and he’s a hypochondriac - so he’s going to go find someone to give him attention.

I actually don’t think they’re doing anything majorly wrong and I’d be surprised if messages were anything but friendly and I don’t think you have anything to worry about but she definitely fancies him else he wouldn’t be buying him things and it seems he’s taking advantage of this a bit which would annoy me.

The lying would annoy me the most - he obviously gave her his address and has been getting a lot more things that you don’t know about.
It’s also made to receive or take any medication not prescribed in this country or by a doctor - they could have anything in them or if they’re in large quantities he could be accused of drug trafficking.

I personally couldn’t stand being with a hypochondriac.

TenRedThings · 14/03/2022 07:33

You either trust him or you don't. You can't police who he communicates with or who wants to send him stuff.

Malibuismysecrethome · 14/03/2022 07:38

Hi Op I understand it must be draining but it’s not unheard of for someone with lots of vague symptoms to be unwell, ie MS, some cancers, etc.
Illness doesn’t always present as you would expect and diagnosis is difficult.

If he is making a fuss about nothing much then of course it must be hard to live with.

Monty27 · 14/03/2022 07:43

He just needs to block her and go to the GP
They both sound unhinged OP.

TinySaltLick · 14/03/2022 07:50

I don't think this is completely unreasonable behaviour, people are allowed to talk to other people on the internet - just as they would if they were going to the shops - and maintain a little privacy doing so

I think those calling for this to be classed as inappropriate behaviour are a little dated, having a loose friendship with someone online is a completely normal thing to do

The bit which I think requires more thought is why he feels he needs to refer to this person as 'that crazy girl' - do you think you have a relationship with him such that it would go down badly if she were upgraded to 'a friend' or is he being guided towards operating in this way knowing how you would react

Asking to see messages is a slippery slope, you need to respect his privacy and trust he is sharing the right things with you - and create an environment at home where this happens. It would be trivial for him to hide messages or speak via another medium if your only answer is to put up cctv everywhere

Also clearly medication from an untrusted source is potentially quite dangerous

Weatherwax13 · 14/03/2022 07:51

If he thinks she's "crazy" why hasn't he stopped talking to her or blocked her ?
That would be my question.
Why would you continue contact with someone if that's really what you think of them?

CassieMc543 · 14/03/2022 08:13

The main thing that's wrong is the secrecy OP so that's what I would be addressing first of all. Why hide it if it's so innocent? Seems really wierd. I would be a bit suspicious if it was me sorry to say.

dworky · 14/03/2022 08:14

Hmmm, googled his address but he never showed surprise or mentioned it to you!
How much more proof do you need that he's lying to you?

AllOfUsAreDead · 14/03/2022 09:03

Does he post on fb about his headaches and anxiety related issues?

Because if he does, then maybe she did Google his work address. Some people are completely bonkers and think this kind of thing is normal and will taken as sweet and nice, rather than creepy as normal people think. Look at how people stalk celebrities. Normal people get stalked too, it just doesn't make the papers unless they die for it.

However if he has been messaging her, then he is really just encouraging her behaviour. Don't know why, it might be innocent from his side and just wanting help for his headaches. It might not be innocent and they have different sort of chats. Neither are right to be honest as the first is encouraging crazy, and the second is a betrayal to you.

Think you need to see the messages to decide.

Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 09:35

@AllOfUsAreDead

Does he post on fb about his headaches and anxiety related issues?

Because if he does, then maybe she did Google his work address. Some people are completely bonkers and think this kind of thing is normal and will taken as sweet and nice, rather than creepy as normal people think. Look at how people stalk celebrities. Normal people get stalked too, it just doesn't make the papers unless they die for it.

However if he has been messaging her, then he is really just encouraging her behaviour. Don't know why, it might be innocent from his side and just wanting help for his headaches. It might not be innocent and they have different sort of chats. Neither are right to be honest as the first is encouraging crazy, and the second is a betrayal to you.

Think you need to see the messages to decide.

No! Far from it. He posts happy and upbeat posts. Only those who really know him can see there's health anxiety.

It's definitely not something this lady has picked up on. He's had to tell her. This is how I know there's been a significant amount of chat leading up to this. He has not mentioned chatting to her at all recently yet would not have had to hide this.

She previously sent him a DVD and some chocolate and to be honest I was alright with that because his explanation was that she was a bit OTT and had recently been defriended by the mutual pal and so he felt a bit sorry for her!

It all sounded innocent and superficial.

This time around ( maybe a year or so later) the medicine purchased specifically for him makes me feel that the chat had continued for the duration and that it was not as superficial as he's confided some health things plainly.

He had the box in the door pocket of the backseat. He was not intending to bring it in btw..... I just happened to find it .

OP posts:
Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 09:37

I am boring myself with this now. Thanks for reading through and giving your view. It just unsettled me for the first time and that's not a nice feeling.

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 14/03/2022 09:51

Yeah that's not normal then. You need to have a chat with him about this. Hopefully he hasn't given nutcase woman your home address.

cordelia16 · 14/03/2022 09:57

It's curious that the mutual friend had defriended her. I don't have FB, but I assume it's a fairly big deal when someone unfriends someone? There must have been a valid reason for, it I would guess. I would definitely speak to him about it.

Hope90x · 14/03/2022 09:59

I don't think some of these comments are fair OP. I don't think this is jealousy on your part, I think having "friends" or talking to strangers in real life is a very different scenario than having private conversations with random people on social media.
People do tend to be much more forward/confident virtually therefore willing to test boundaries.

I think you are well within your rights to ask to see these messages, given that he hasn't been entirely open/transparent with you. If they are totally innocent he won't have an issue with showing you.

SartresSoul · 14/03/2022 10:00

One of DH’s colleagues did this a few months after we’d met. She went on holiday and got him a personalised keyring with a nickname she’d decided to give him. She also brought snacks into work for him. He thought it was harmless but I could tell it definitely wasn’t because it’s just a step beyond anything platonic. She also drunk text him one night at about 2am, I told him friends don’t do this. He threw the gifts in the bin and blocked her number when he realised I was uncomfortable with it. Your DH needs to block her.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 10:07

I'd be suspicious simply because he has tried to hide them.

If he said "I told Anna about my headaches and they can get stronger tablets in her country so she's going to send me some" you wouldn't have any concerns.

If she's sent things before why would he say she's had to Google the address this time?

He's doing the standard calling women crazy to excuse his own behaviour thing.

Bananabutter · 14/03/2022 10:11

@TequilaMockingburd

Would I be over the top if I asked to see the messages? Working on the premise that if he says no... it's because the messages are beyond health chat and that he has something to hide from me?

Not sure I want to know to be honest... but equally can't bury my head in the sand

Of course you would. He’s allowed a private life and his private conversations are none of your business.

And saying no doesn’t mean he has anything to hide. I wouldn’t allow anyone to see my messages because they’re my private messages, but I have nothing to hide.

ChampagneLassie · 14/03/2022 10:17

@CatAndHisKit

I think it's no big deal, sorry - especially as he's telling you about it and is dismissive of her. Hypochondriacs will share their worries with anyone who'll listen.
He's messaging another woman and he didn't volunteer the info - @TequilaMockingburd saw the pills and had to ask. I think many a relationship starts with online messaging. I'd nip this in the bud. Ask him how much contact there is and tell him you feel uncomfortable, that this is a betray and ask him to stop.
CantStandMeCow · 14/03/2022 10:19

People have busy lives. In reality, no one does this kind of thing unless they’re invested. This is weird. It’s almost definitely crossing a line.

ThePlantsitter · 14/03/2022 10:23

It is dodgy, secretive behaviour and that is the problem. 'she must have googled the address' is a transparent fudge if not an outright lie (and he would be shitting himself if a weird stranger off FB had done this unprompted).

All the other stuff is a red herring. It is the subterfuge that is suspicious - and it is, it's not you being unreasonable.

AwayInMyMind · 14/03/2022 10:37

I'm wondering why the mutual friend de-friended her !

Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 11:02

@AwayInMyMind

I'm wondering why the mutual friend de-friended her !
Me too! I've had a potter through the FB page today and honestly it's the strangest thing. She has one friend and it's my DH. I've never looked before ..... but that can't be a real thing can it?
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/03/2022 11:02

@TequilaMockingburd

Yes to telling anyone who will Listen thing....I can absolutely see that he does this. That was my initial thoughts too. It's only as I've pondered it today that I've made myself worry.
Why in the car and not telling you?
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