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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women sending DH gifts

87 replies

TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 00:02

Just that really

She is a FB contact who lives in another country. I know of her but neither of us has met her. She's on his friends list as a friend of a friend. Comments on his posts regularly, always bland comments but deffo regular.

Today we took DH's car out and in the car was a box contains headache pils from the country she lives and some sweets local to her too.

I didn't know that right away and instead asked DH where the pills came from.

He said 'oh that crazy FB girl sent them to my office.... she must have googled my address. She also sent those sweets. '

Now..... she had previously sent random items once before and I sort of ignored it but this time around I'm feeling annoyed as they've plainly been messaging back and forward for her to know about his bloody headaches.

DH is a serial hypochondriac and I've spent literally hours calming down his health anxiety about these sore heads. I think I'm just a bit hurt he's also felt the need to discuss his health with a girl he hadn't met and goodness knows what else .

'Maybe I'm AiBU to be annoyed but I do feel a bit betrayed by him engaging in personal chat with this women and also hacked off he didn't tell me right away and that I had to find them.

Be good to get some views. I actually didn't say a word today when he told me but have subsequently stewed with this all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 11:04

I appreciate her friend list may be hidden actually... but she posts and the only like on any of the posts is his.

Literally no one else.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 11:06

@TequilaMockingburd

I appreciate her friend list may be hidden actually... but she posts and the only like on any of the posts is his.

Literally no one else.

If that's the case where your DH is it'll say 1 mutual friend. If he's just her only friend it'll say 1 friend.
BlingLoving · 14/03/2022 11:14

Oh for pity's sake. I'm not a particularly jealous person and have no issue with Dh having friendships with other people but I think this is completely ridiculous and your DH should be mortified that a complete stranger is sending him medicine. It's hugely inappropriate and the fact that he doesn't see that is really not a good sign. I'm more than willing to believe it's because he has this health anxiety and so is just so happy someone is taking him seriously, but I'd argue that's still a problem - potentially in terms of your relationship but definitely in terms of his health anxiety.

Ieatmarmite · 14/03/2022 11:33

What country is she from, and how long have they been facebook friends? I don't want to be alarmist but I ask because several years ago a friend found her partner was Facebook friends with a woman who he'd been exchanging messages with. Made friend feel unreasonable for asking questions. Her partner had always treated it as a joke - "just a crazy girl who I pass time with when I'm bored" explanation. Then one day she received a call from the woman (she'd found friend's number on partners old mobile that he'd sent her and wondered why he had called friend so often). She told friend that partner had promised her marriage. It all came out in the wash - she wanted a British passport & he had been sucked in to helping her try and get one. He'd been sending her money "to provide medical care for ill relative" and jewellery. Needless to say, friend & partner are no longer together.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/03/2022 11:33

It's very inappropriate.

Call me suspicious but I'd want to see their messages between them just to put my mind at rest.

Yes, she may be a crazy, stalker-ish type of person but men have had EAs for less than this and personally I'd want to put my mind at rest.

Bookworm20 · 14/03/2022 12:13

It does all sound a bit odd tbh. I'm a firm believer of trust your gut. Something isn't adding up really is it.

He calls her crazy lady, yet she knows enough to send him pills and sweets (which he hid from you by the sounds of it), aswell as a previous pressie of a dvd and chocolates. This indicates they have been chatting, and fairly indepth if the pills are anything to go by. And him calling her crazy is such a common thing for a man to do to try and make you think he doesn't like her at all. Did the dvd also come to his work or to your home address? if your home address, I'd seriously be questioning why she is sending stuff to his work instead. Though its pretty obvious its because he doesn't want stuff from her coming to the house.

I bet there may have been presents in between too, that you haven't found out about if his MO is to hide them. he may even have sent stuff to her.

Any chance you can access his facebook and read the fb messages (if they are using fb to chat that is, and not moved onto whatsapp or text etc). In all honesty, given this new little development i'd be looking through his phone.

I;d be tempted to ask to borrow it for some reason (need to check something that yours is playing up or some reason) then when you have it open suddenly develop an acute stomach ache and vanish off into the loo with it.

I have a feeling if you ask to look at it outright, there will be some reason why you can't immediately look at it and he'll be the one vanishing into the loo (to delete everything).

I hope its nothing. By the way is he still friends with their mutual friend? Could the mutual friend have unfriended both of them if he thought something was going on and didn't want any part in it?

AryaStarkWolf · 14/03/2022 12:18

Who is she? and why/how is he friends with her? That's really odd and I would not be happy about that

HikingforScenery · 14/03/2022 12:26

He’s enjoying the attention, engaging with her and then calling her crazy? Now charming.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/03/2022 12:32

I have not read everything but the big red flag here is her sending medicine in the post. It is illegal for some drugs to go through customs. Has he checked to see if its okay? Also the quality of some medicines in other counties is not the same as ours unless from eu country. There could be all sorts of rubbish in those tablets.

On another note - if legal, is she priming him to send her drugs that she can't get in her own country but is common here, eg tramadol? He would be prosecuted as if he had sent her cocaine (drug runner). Its that serious.

OnGoldenPond · 14/03/2022 12:37

It's always possible that this girl is a bit unhinged and your DH hasn't been messaging her.

DDs male flatmate is on her course and they recently had their final year show which they all shared widely on Instagram asking their contacts to buy tickets. On the first night a girl who he knew vaguely from sixth form but hadn't seen since turned up to the show, telling everyone she was in a relationship with him, he had personally invited her to the show and he had been sending her coded messages through his instagram posts! She had also bought a ticket for each night's show!

He was very rattled and reported it to the police and the college and she was barred from the premises. He is single so no motivation to lie if he had been in a relationship with her.

If this is the case your DH needs to block her and tell her not to contact him. He needs to take this seriously as these situations can turn nasty.

tara66 · 14/03/2022 12:38

Children are warned about this sort of thing. How can DH be so irresponsible? How old is he?

JungleRed · 14/03/2022 12:39

Bit of a red flag that it's been sent to his work and not his home address. That and the fact he wasn't intending to show you is rather duplicitous.

custardbear · 14/03/2022 12:48

@JungleRed

Bit of a red flag that it's been sent to his work and not his home address. That and the fact he wasn't intending to show you is rather duplicitous.
I was also thinking this. Which country is she from and where are you? Could it be a ruse to try and get access to your country by any chance? Weird about only your DH liking messages too Hmm
Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 12:53

Thanks everyone

I think she's sent the headache pills, sweets and some biscuits that he's eaten as I can see a FB post of the biscuits where she's tagged him and said hope he likes them.

It's exhausting all of this!

So... I'm feeling it's a bit of an ego trip for him and he's found someone who seems to admire him from afar and he likes that. That's definitely made me feel sad today.

Quite confident he's not drug running..... perhaps running from middle age but that's about it.

OP posts:
5128gap · 14/03/2022 12:54

Your H doesn't sound very nice. Engaging with the woman to this level then calling her crazy when she sends him gifts. If he thinks she's crazy then he should disengage. But I suspect he either likes the attention too much, regardless of the source, or he's calling her that for your benefit. Either way it puts him in a very poor light.

Limer · 14/03/2022 13:00

Him being her only friend sounds like a classic catfishing scam, the aim being for the scammer to persuade the victim to send money.

Is she even real? Maybe try a reverse image search on her profile photo?

Your DH certainly sounds very naive and gullible, a scammer's dream.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/03/2022 13:16

Yes, this sounds like catfishing to me too.

Lwren · 14/03/2022 14:16

I've got fb friends and irl friends, both m&f, I LOVE sending gifts too.
I love baking for DHs colleagues despite not ever meeting them.
I've sent things to friends new partners and their DC.
Please don't think people who do this shit are crazy. Some people love talking and sending gifts!
I met a man online (I spent one pregancy bedridden) and he would flim his drives for me, he lives in a gorgeous part of Canada and my DH appreciated it so much, him giving me something to look forward too whilst so sick, anyway DH sent him some fancy gin!
I've met other people who've been really kind and just liked making and sending gift packages and parcels for people.
I've had a few women cross at me, but when they've spoken to me they've always ended up a friend.
Life is short and people should be open to kindness and friendship without fear of it becoming relationship threatening.

TenRedThings · 14/03/2022 14:26

If she's only got one friend, your DH, then it's an account set up just to communicate with him. Maybe she's married, or someone you know. Did the package have a foreign stamp ?

ladydimitrescu · 14/03/2022 14:40

The biggest red flag? The fact he called her crazy - typical gaslighting behaviour, making it all her fault, acting like it's all one sided.
It isn't one sided - if he thought she was so unhinged, why hasn't he blocked her?
Because they're messaging and he's lead her to believe they have a relationship where sending gifts is acceptable. What kind of relationship I don't know, but he's hiding a lot.

Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 14:42

@TenRedThings

If she's only got one friend, your DH, then it's an account set up just to communicate with him. Maybe she's married, or someone you know. Did the package have a foreign stamp ?
I didn't see the original packaging... DH plainly opened it at work and then put some of the contents in his car. I wished I'd asked more yesterday. I'm annoyed at myself for not asking if there was a note.

I was just a bit shocked at first and so couldn't think of anything sensible to ask.

There must have been a note.

OP posts:
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 14/03/2022 14:42

YANBU He's being sneaky about his communication with her, not a good sign at all.

Original poster
TequilaMockingburd · 14/03/2022 14:43

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

YANBU He's being sneaky about his communication with her, not a good sign at all.
This is how I feel! Yes!
OP posts:
Phormiumjester · 14/03/2022 14:51

Is it likely that the ex mutual friend is also her?

Juniper68 · 14/03/2022 14:55

I couldn't stay with him as it's too much drama all around.