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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Turning up to baby shower with no gift?

128 replies

OMeOMy · 12/03/2022 20:10

I'm having a last minute panic as I'm due to attend a relative's baby shower tomorrow and have not bought a gift (young baby of my own, no time for anything, this is is first social thing I'll have done without the baby). It's at a cafe and we're paying for own own food plus the mum to be's. I plan to but a gift when the baby is born. Is this a massive faux-pas?! Should I try to cobble together some sort of gift this evening?!

OP posts:
caringcarer · 13/03/2022 01:01

I always gift small gifts at baby shower for Mum and baby such as nappies, baby head fever scan and calpol, and flowers for Mum, then larger proper gift once baby safely born.

BeaLola · 13/03/2022 01:06

@BusySittingDown

I went to a baby shower once and one of the guests didn't take a baby gift - she took the mother to be a plant/flowers and said that she didn't like to give gifts before baby was born. She explained that she would be bringing a gift when the baby was here (which she did).

I thought that that was fair enough. The mother to be was happy with it.

This definitely
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 13/03/2022 01:15

[quote AcrossthePond55]@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

Baby showers are thrown by friends of the mother to be. Bridal showers usually by the MoH or someone in the bridal party.

I grew up and live in California. I have friends from different parts of the Country and they say the same. But hey, we're old so our baby/bridal shower days are long behind us. Maybe things have changed.

Whereabouts are you?[/quote]
I'm in New England. Things must be done different here because any Baby Shower (Bridal Showers are done by the MoH here too) I've been to was thrown by a family member. My own shower was thrown by relatives as well. When I had my last son (many, many years after my first two) I had family members asking if I wanted them to have another (since I was long done with baby things by then) but I politely declined the offer.

1forAll74 · 13/03/2022 03:46

I would just buy something after the baby is actually born, I don't like the idea of baby showers at all.

Charley50 · 13/03/2022 04:00

What about the kid's party beforehand? You can't not bring a gift for that.. or will you put a tenner in a card?

Graphista · 13/03/2022 04:08

Tesco e vouchers do a wee animation on the recipients phone they have to tap to see what they've got.

These have proven popular with my regular recipients

Cognoscenti · 13/03/2022 04:09

I wouldn't bother with a present, especially if you're already having to pay to attend. If they're put out that you didn't bring a present, it's just grabby. People gave us gifts when our babies were born (although it wasn't expected of anyone), we didn't hold an event beforehand to get even more. 🤷‍♀️

LadyPropane · 13/03/2022 04:10

I'm in Australia and it's quite normal here for a mum or sister of the preggo to throw the shower. I have never heard of guests being expected to contribute financially to the party, but it is always expected that you bring a gift along. I have also never heard of it being poor taste for a relative to throw the shower. I suppose it's something that differs depending on where you are in the world.

whenohwhen101 · 13/03/2022 04:18

You're paying for your own food and the mum to be?
I'm having a baby shower in a few weeks and wouldn't dreams of asking people to pay for their own food. Especially as you know people are likely to bring gifts.
When I've attended a baby shower, I've usually taken something for the mum. A pamper kit or something. Which is usually just a few things from the shop. Body lotion, face mask etc. and then something for the baby when they're born.

Chocomelon · 13/03/2022 04:37

I think it's odd you plan to go to a shower without taking a gift. I'm not a fan of showers but that is the point of them. I understand not wanting to give a gift before baby arrives but why would you only think about it the night before? You could buy something got the mum.

SenecaFallsRedux · 13/03/2022 04:39

Another US poster here. The importation of baby showers from the US to the UK has resulted in quite a few types of gatherings that would be unrecognizable to many Americans. I'm from the Deep South, and the expectations are similar to those described by AcrossthePond.

First of all, the shower means to shower presents, so yes people should bring a present. Secondly, the mother to be does not host her own baby shower and neither do her close family members. Cousins and aunts can get away with it sometimes, but not mothers or sisters. Most showers are hosted by friends, not relatives. And last, and perhaps most important of all, the guests do not pay for the party or to attend.The hosts pay.

The custom of a baby shower arose in the US as a way of the community coming together to support and celebrate the newly constituted family. The key word here is 'community.'

shhh777 · 13/03/2022 07:16

What kind of mum-to-be (or relatives of a mum-to-be) would invite guests to celebrate HER pregnancy and expect them to pay for the privilege? Shock

I don’t understand this at all. I’d be mortified if a family member did this to me. Imagine finding out your friends have all chipped in for the venue and food etc - and they’ve brought you gifts as well!

I suppose if a group of friends take it upon themselves to do this for you (between themselves), then there’s not much you can do except return the favour if and when they’re pregnant.

But someone’s mother or family relative sending out an invite to effectively say - “Be at this venue of our choice at this time and pay for yourself - thanks very much!!!” How rude! And of course you would feel obliged to take a gift as well.

I wouldn’t even expect people to do that on a significant birthday. If people take the time to come to an occasion / event and bring a gift, then the cost of the actual ‘event’ is surely on the host? What is wrong with people these days?

Original poster
OMeOMy · 13/03/2022 07:32

@Charley50

What about the kid's party beforehand? You can't not bring a gift for that.. or will you put a tenner in a card?
Yes I have a gift for the kid's birthday Halo I'm also not expected to pay for the child's party!
OP posts:
Original poster
OMeOMy · 13/03/2022 07:38

@Chocomelon

I think it's odd you plan to go to a shower without taking a gift. I'm not a fan of showers but that is the point of them. I understand not wanting to give a gift before baby arrives but why would you only think about it the night before? You could buy something got the mum.
I've never been to a shower before and thought it would be okay to celebrate the mum in person beforehand with a nice meal and then buy a gift for the baby when they arrived and I knew what stuff they needed? To avoid turning up with unwanted tat when I'm short of cash just to spend again when baby is here! Then had a last min panic!

I have a non sleeping baby of my own so perhaps not the clearest thinker currently.

OP posts:
meditrina · 13/03/2022 07:46

Showers are a very specific party, named for the 'shower of gifts'

It's not catch all term for a party in late pregnancy, nor is it a description of what the gathering will be like - the party that acoompanies the shower can be any style whatsoever - the only point of commonality is the showering of gifts.

But 'shower-type gift' is a euphemism for small/inexpensive/useful, so you really don't have to spend a lot, though if course you should strive to avoid tat!

Looubylou · 13/03/2022 08:06

Your voucher sounds fine OP. I hope you have a surprisingly good time and the food I'd worth it.

Looubylou · 13/03/2022 08:06

Is

Bywayofanupdate · 13/03/2022 08:07

I'm surprised by do many comments saying you need a gift. Just turn up and say that you prefer to buy a gift when the baby us here. I don't get baby showers personally

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 13/03/2022 08:24

I don't think showers have to be grabby but it depends who they are for. My work friends threw me one at my friends house as a surprise. It was lovely but more an excuse for everyone to get together and have a laugh and a drink (me excluded obviously) we did some fun music quiz games and had cake. I loved it and certainly wouldn't have been upset of someone hadn't given a gift.

EdgeOfACoin · 13/03/2022 08:27

@Bywayofanupdate

I'm surprised by do many comments saying you need a gift. Just turn up and say that you prefer to buy a gift when the baby us here. I don't get baby showers personally
Because you 'shower' the recipient with gifts. It's in the name.

It is the entire point of a baby shower.

ReeseWitherfork · 13/03/2022 08:30

@meditrina

Showers are a very specific party, named for the 'shower of gifts'

It's not catch all term for a party in late pregnancy, nor is it a description of what the gathering will be like - the party that acoompanies the shower can be any style whatsoever - the only point of commonality is the showering of gifts.

But 'shower-type gift' is a euphemism for small/inexpensive/useful, so you really don't have to spend a lot, though if course you should strive to avoid tat!

I can see that's probably where it started but I'd say it has indeed merged into a catch all term for a party in late pregnancy. I'd be curious if you did some sort of poll of people who had baby showers whether the intention was to celebrate the pending baby or to just get stuff. I'd put money on the former.
grey12 · 13/03/2022 08:32

@AHungryCaterpillar

So you can’t stop at a supermarket on the way?
My local Asda has all kinds of gift vouchers for other brands. That could be a nice gift. 🤷🏻‍♀️
rebekuh · 13/03/2022 09:17

I hate the idea of showers!

By definition you are 'showering' the mum to be with gifts so yes, she is expecting a gift

I didn't have one. Still had loads of gifts when baby was born

The cook voucher sounds ideal. She will have far too many newborn outfits. They only fit for a couple weeks anyway

rebekuh · 13/03/2022 09:21

A few years ago, i was invited to attend a baby shower at a posh hotel. The cost to attend was £50 for afternoon tea

Plus gift 🤣

Original poster
OMeOMy · 13/03/2022 09:47

This is what I thought/hoped too. That it was a nice excuse for a get together. The alternative assumption (to host your own party in expectation of gifts) doesn't feel great to me. But I'll bring something based on feedback here. And think my private thoughts Hmm

OP posts: