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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Turning up to baby shower with no gift?

128 replies

OMeOMy · 12/03/2022 20:10

I'm having a last minute panic as I'm due to attend a relative's baby shower tomorrow and have not bought a gift (young baby of my own, no time for anything, this is is first social thing I'll have done without the baby). It's at a cafe and we're paying for own own food plus the mum to be's. I plan to but a gift when the baby is born. Is this a massive faux-pas?! Should I try to cobble together some sort of gift this evening?!

OP posts:
Original poster
OMeOMy · 12/03/2022 21:48

@Moon22

Definitely not suitable to turn up with nothing. Do you have to go? You could always make an excuse, it's only a coffee in a coffee shop really- say you forgot you had a birthday party same day, but you will call in for a visit next week? If you decide to turn up empty handed, be aware they will probably go around the table opening gifts one at a time.. and you will be embarassed when they come to you! As others have said, go to a supermarket or get online voucher. Even flowers is better than nothing.
I've already paid a substantial amount in advance for my/mum to be's food! I'm on mat leave, and not exactly rolling in cash. I'm going to eat my afternoon tea out of principal Grin
OP posts:
Squiff70 · 12/03/2022 21:50

Can't you give her a card with an IOU offer of taking her shopping for a little something for baby once s/he arrives? It might be nice for you both to get out together with your young babies, depending on how close you are.

Original poster
OMeOMy · 12/03/2022 21:51

@AcrossthePond55

Caveat: US point of view.

Yes, YWBU to show up without a gift. That's the point of a baby shower. Normally the gifts are layette items to help 'set up the nursery' before the baby's arrival or gifts to 'ease' the mother's early weeks like diaper service or to make her feel good, like nice creams/lotions and the like.

BUT (and again US-centric) it is the height of bad taste to throw oneself a shower of any kind, or for a shower to be thrown by any relative, especially a close one. An exception would be if perhaps a cousin was also the honoree's BFF. But normally, it is just not done.

Normally, the 'costs' are borne by the hostess if it's at someone's home. But it's also not unusual for the costs to be shared around if it's a group of friends organizing.

If I got an invite from someone throwing themselves a shower, especially with the expectation that I was going to kick in to help pay for it, I'd politely decline.

Interesting perspective, thanks!! I would have chosen to decline too but was afraid that might trigger a minor family feud Grin
OP posts:
Babyshadows · 12/03/2022 21:52

Have you got anything that was gifted to your baby that you could regift? (Make sure it's not from anyone attending though 😅 I ended up with quite a few things that didn't end up being used as duplicates, wrong size for season ect that could have been regifted easily enough :-D

Original poster
OMeOMy · 12/03/2022 21:55

@Peasandcabbage

Due to fifteen plus years trying. More losses than I care to think about tonight and two failed IVF, I do not worry about these things.

I somehow have two baby girls. I take or took a book, or some bits for mum to be.

Plenty time for gifts when baby safely here. I usually would do lip balm, hand cream and wee bits like that for hospital bag.

Massive congratulations on your two babies! And sorry to hear what a tough time you have had getting there Flowers Totally agree this is not worth worrying about in the grand scheme of things!!
OP posts:
AuntyBumBum · 12/03/2022 21:57

Babies get far too much shit. Baby will not care.

londonrach · 12/03/2022 21:58

I never go to a baby shower with a gift but in each case I'd let the mum to be know why before. I only buy gifts when baby safely here. You find everyone unders. Don't worry, just celebrate and buy nice gift whenbaby is here x

JudgeJ · 12/03/2022 22:02

@11GrumpsaGrumping

I think you have to bring something...
Because it's an excuse to grab two lots of gifts, you'll also be expected to cough up once the baby's born.
Original poster
OMeOMy · 12/03/2022 22:03

@Babyshadows

Have you got anything that was gifted to your baby that you could regift? (Make sure it's not from anyone attending though 😅 I ended up with quite a few things that didn't end up being used as duplicates, wrong size for season ect that could have been regifted easily enough :-D
Good idea but our baby is an overlooked third child, we're not exactly drowning in gifts this time around Grin
OP posts:
Honeyroar · 12/03/2022 22:06

Baby showers are not my thing, but each to their own etc. I think they’re grabby, but a lot of people don’t. However expecting to pick a restaurant, have your friends pay for it AND get presents simply for being pregnant is awful! They don’t deserve a present!

teezletangler · 12/03/2022 22:08

The COOK voucher is perfect.

Yes to everything ikeepseeingit said. Baby showers can be lovely and a lot of fun, but they're one of those US traditions that hasn't translated well to British culture and as a result can be a bit weird and awkward and don't have enough conventional "rules" to prevent this sort of situation from happening.

PicturesOfLily · 12/03/2022 22:22

My friends got me Cook vouchers when I had my dd last year. Amazing gift!

Fifthtimelucky · 12/03/2022 22:39

@Nsky

Oddly enough never been to one or hen night, at nearly 60 it seems unlikely, never had hen do myself
Nor me (and I am 60)!
MissMaple82 · 12/03/2022 22:44

I think anybody who expects a gift for being pregnant are dicks and not worth your friendship.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 12/03/2022 23:09

You can also buy online printable gift cards at JojoMamanBebe.

Latenightreader · 12/03/2022 23:15

@OMeOMy

Do you think an online Cook voucher would do?
Just make sure that you either have a Cook nearby or they have a decent sized freezer! A friend bought me a voucher when mine was born and I panicked because I was a distance from the store and didn't have enough space for the online minimal order. As it was, I visited the store when the baby was a few months old and I was going on longer trips again, and the food was lovely! It did make me anxious at first - was worried it would go to waste.
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 12/03/2022 23:18

@AcrossthePond55

Caveat: US point of view.

Yes, YWBU to show up without a gift. That's the point of a baby shower. Normally the gifts are layette items to help 'set up the nursery' before the baby's arrival or gifts to 'ease' the mother's early weeks like diaper service or to make her feel good, like nice creams/lotions and the like.

BUT (and again US-centric) it is the height of bad taste to throw oneself a shower of any kind, or for a shower to be thrown by any relative, especially a close one. An exception would be if perhaps a cousin was also the honoree's BFF. But normally, it is just not done.

Normally, the 'costs' are borne by the hostess if it's at someone's home. But it's also not unusual for the costs to be shared around if it's a group of friends organizing.

If I got an invite from someone throwing themselves a shower, especially with the expectation that I was going to kick in to help pay for it, I'd politely decline.

Where do you live? While I agree about the gift part or a person throwing their own shower, I have never heard it being bad taste for a relative to do it. Who should be doing it then? In my family it's always been a family member that arranged the showers.
Gonnagetgoing · 12/03/2022 23:37

I’d bring a voucher or small gift.

Incognito32 · 12/03/2022 23:55

A John lewis voucher sent to their email address and write in the card what you bought. That way if Mum would prefer to get some new maternity clothes or put it towards a pram - she has the choice!

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 13/03/2022 00:00

Just say you’ve got a gift but will give it to her when the baby is born. If you really don’t want to go empty-handed could you pick up a children’s book somewhere and write a little message inside for the baby? That would be cheap but thoughtful.

Stroppypeople · 13/03/2022 00:08

Baby showers are ridiculous but if you are attending I would definitely give a Cook voucher….lovely tasty food and a godsend for new parents.

Chatwin · 13/03/2022 00:13

I really don't understand baby showers and gift giving etiquette.

I never, ever buy baby gifts before baby arrives. I was always told it is very bad luck. I don't have much spare cash so any gift for the baby shower means less to spend on baby.

I've been to a couple and bought a pamper type gift for the mother.

But yeah baby showers are up there with expensive abroad hen dos, a total indulgence that most of us would rather not spend our hard earned cash on.

I've never known anyone to have a shower for subsequent babies.

Blossom64265 · 13/03/2022 00:19

Do you have any unopened packages of batteries? They come on surprisingly handy with a new baby. If you have one of those screwdrivers for tiny screws add that.

PiperPosey · 13/03/2022 00:26

IP ... I would just take a card with a note that says..
I am going to wait to see what gifts you receive and will after the baby is born... Flowers

Get something on sale then. Really you spending $ to go to the shower...never heard of that before.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2022 00:46

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

Baby showers are thrown by friends of the mother to be. Bridal showers usually by the MoH or someone in the bridal party.

I grew up and live in California. I have friends from different parts of the Country and they say the same. But hey, we're old so our baby/bridal shower days are long behind us. Maybe things have changed.

Whereabouts are you?