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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with Sil behaviour

84 replies

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:10

Dsil is married, they have 1 dc, We live 70 miles away and have 2 dcs
We had a good relationship with her until she had her dc
Dn was a little early and had to stay in hospital for a week or so, We went to visit them in hospital but only the once as we live 70 miles away and have our own dc who are at school
Once out of hospital we went to see them again and then once a month until covid hit in march 2020.
It was around this time that she started sending us messages saying we dont care about her or dn, She said things that i think are batshit but would like your opinion if iabu
She thinks when dn was born that we didnt give her enough support, she thinks one of us should have stayed with her ( she has a dh and his family and all of her friends nearby, we are 70 miles away with 2 dc of our own) when mentioning our dc and the fact we both have jobs, she thinks we should have both rang in sick so one of us could be with her and the other to look after our dc, while obviously our family are important to us, so is keeping a roof over ours and our dcs heads.
We had lots of arguments during lockdown as she wasnt happy that we were following the rules (me and dh both keyworkers nhs) We probably didnt see them for about a year.once we were allowed we started to see them again once a month and all seemed fine. We try and check in with her everyday to make sure they are all ok, every now and then she goes quiet doesnt speak to us for a few days and then sends a stroppy text saying this has happened and i feel really down and no one was there for me, Its starting to really annoy me now as i feel like we are being blamed for not being there, but how can we be there when we live 70 miles away and she doesnt tell us that something bad has happened until a few days later so how can we be there for her if we dont know? Dn was taken to hospital (not life threatening, think toddler accident) She had a go at us for not coming to visit him, he didnt stay in overnight but thinks we should have visited him as he was poorly, can i also point out that since having dn she never asks how our dc are or us for that matter. How do we deal with her?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2022 14:13

You ignore this batshittery and excise her from your life. She's unhinged.

Steelesauce · 12/03/2022 14:14

Mix of being self centred and PFB syndrome by the sounds of it. Id be telling her when was the last time you came to visit us? When have you asked about our dc?

Mumdiva99 · 12/03/2022 14:15

Where are the parents? How do they behave to her? Why are you checking in with her daily? That isn't normal......

Babadook76 · 12/03/2022 14:16

Op did she do the same for you when you had children? If not (which I suspect) then I’d point that out

Redshoeblueshoe · 12/03/2022 14:18

Why the hell do you check in with her everyday ? I have spoken to my siblings about 3 times this year.

ChaToilLeam · 12/03/2022 14:19

She is batshit and entitled. I really couldn’t be bothered with such nonsense and would just cease to reply.

Georgeskitchen · 12/03/2022 14:19

She sounds totally cuckoo
Bin her off

SalsaLove · 12/03/2022 14:22

I would take a step back and stop enabling her behaviour. She’s being unreasonable. She also might feel depressed and vulnerable about being a new mum?

Arabellla · 12/03/2022 14:24

Step back from her completely.

Let DH deal with her.

ConsuelaHammock · 12/03/2022 14:25

She may have PND ?

Original poster
LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:26

Her parents are divorced, She doesnt have much to do with either of them

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 12/03/2022 14:27

Does she have PND? That is literally the only excuse for this level of batshittery.

I’d still be telling her to fuck off even if she does have PND (of course you shouldn’t both have jacked your jobs in to look after her after birth, that is lunacy). But it might mean I was happier to mend bridges when she realises later how badly she’s been behaving.

On the other hand she might just be in credit self centred and think she’s the only person to have a child (SIL can be a little like this - nothing like on your scale, but demands we do stuff to suit her because she has a baby, conveniently ignoring that we do too). In which case she will never get better and you should disengage.

Original poster
LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:29

We check in on her because we feel like we have to, She has done alot for us in the past, she looked after our dd when i had my second dc, but she didnt have dn then and we wouldnt have expected her to look after her if she did have dn

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/03/2022 14:30

You block her is what you do.

Why are you entertaining this batshit behaviour.

Block her and leave her to her husband.

LoudingVoice · 12/03/2022 14:31

She sounds insane.

Did she stay with you when your DC were born? Has she dropped everything when they’ve been ill?

She sounds unhinged tbh, have you spoken to her DH? Is she struggling in general or is all this just directed at you?

Original poster
LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:32

Not sure if she has pnd, she seems ok mostly and then kicks off if something happens that she cant deal with

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 12/03/2022 14:33

Step away from her, she's unhinged. I certainly wouldn't be checking in daily that is ridiculous. I'd leave her to DH and if she says anything to you I'd say you're sorry, but you're pretty busy at the moment with 2 DCs and both working. If she complains you haven't supported her then reply with the same thing - rinse and repeat. If she sulks and doesn't speak to you then that's a bonus!

VioletLemon · 12/03/2022 14:33

Not your problem, she's an adult and sounds extremely self orientated. You have your own children. Apply some very firm boundaries or go NC, life is too short. This is the kind of attention reserved for your own children.

Torag · 12/03/2022 14:35

Is she your sibling's wife or your other half's sister?

givethatbabyaname · 12/03/2022 14:39

You need to set boundaries.

She is deciding the rules of your relationship, and guilting you into accepting them.

You’re doing what you’re doing out of guilt, mostly. Left to your own devices it sounds like you’d maintain contact, but as it suits you with your work and children.

So, you should do that. Tell her you’re going to do it. Then stick to it. She will try to make you feel bad, like you don’t care, like you’re abandoning her, like she’s not important to you. None of these are true. But she needs to accept that you lead your lives on your terms, not hers.

5zeds · 12/03/2022 14:40

Stop checking in with her every day. Go and see her when you want to. If she asks why, say because that’s what makes you happy. People on the whole treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Original poster
LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:43

Dns 1st bday was during lockdown and we sent a present and a card, we got moaned at that dns first ever bday was in lockdown and we didnt do anything special ( shes never done anything special for any of our bdays) the latest thing thats prompted me to make this thread was that dn had an accident 2 weeks ago, i messgaed dsil everyday the first week asking how dn was, i forgot to message her last weekend as i was busy, i messgaed her on monday and had no reply until wed and shes being vague when asked hows dn she replys with terrible, and then i said if you need a chat im here and she says im too busy, this really stresses me out

OP posts:
Original poster
LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:45

Shes my ohs sister, We have tried to talk to her dh but she went mental

OP posts:
5zeds · 12/03/2022 14:46

Oh fgs just stop trying so hard to be nice. It isn’t nice to allow someone to behave like this. Treat her as you would like to be treated.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 12/03/2022 14:53

I would get dh to message her your phone is in the shop being repaired. Let dh deal with her for the foreseeable. Bet he doesn't get such crap to deal with.