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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with Sil behaviour

84 replies

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:10

Dsil is married, they have 1 dc, We live 70 miles away and have 2 dcs
We had a good relationship with her until she had her dc
Dn was a little early and had to stay in hospital for a week or so, We went to visit them in hospital but only the once as we live 70 miles away and have our own dc who are at school
Once out of hospital we went to see them again and then once a month until covid hit in march 2020.
It was around this time that she started sending us messages saying we dont care about her or dn, She said things that i think are batshit but would like your opinion if iabu
She thinks when dn was born that we didnt give her enough support, she thinks one of us should have stayed with her ( she has a dh and his family and all of her friends nearby, we are 70 miles away with 2 dc of our own) when mentioning our dc and the fact we both have jobs, she thinks we should have both rang in sick so one of us could be with her and the other to look after our dc, while obviously our family are important to us, so is keeping a roof over ours and our dcs heads.
We had lots of arguments during lockdown as she wasnt happy that we were following the rules (me and dh both keyworkers nhs) We probably didnt see them for about a year.once we were allowed we started to see them again once a month and all seemed fine. We try and check in with her everyday to make sure they are all ok, every now and then she goes quiet doesnt speak to us for a few days and then sends a stroppy text saying this has happened and i feel really down and no one was there for me, Its starting to really annoy me now as i feel like we are being blamed for not being there, but how can we be there when we live 70 miles away and she doesnt tell us that something bad has happened until a few days later so how can we be there for her if we dont know? Dn was taken to hospital (not life threatening, think toddler accident) She had a go at us for not coming to visit him, he didnt stay in overnight but thinks we should have visited him as he was poorly, can i also point out that since having dn she never asks how our dc are or us for that matter. How do we deal with her?

OP posts:

Original poster

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:54

We are torn between wanting to cut ties as shes hard work and then feeling guilty if she does have depression and we dont want to miss out on dn and dont want our dc not seeing their cousin so its difficult

OP posts:

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/03/2022 14:56

She sounds like she needs support from outside of the family. I don’t know how you would broach that without being a bad guy though.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 12/03/2022 15:03

Leave her to dh. He is her db. You are a sounding board.

Lollypop701 · 12/03/2022 15:14

Get your dh to tell her her level of need is stressing you out. She expecting you to be as involved as she is as a parent, reinforced by you doing it! You need much better boundaries as an aunt! If she doesn’t react well to this, she has issues- pnd or something else. You can’t continue this because it’s detrimental to you and your family.

Original poster

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 15:19

I just feel so bad that if she does have pnd and we just step away thats not very nice is it? But how do you help someone like that

OP posts:

HikingforScenery · 12/03/2022 15:26

Does she text you or her brother? If she texts her brother, I’d leave it for them to deal with tbh.
Just support your DH with what he wants to do,

Hollywolly1 · 12/03/2022 15:28

Sure she sounds unhinged and I can't figure out why you are in so much contact with her no wonder she's so entitled, just back away slowly but surely very surely

Mumdiva99 · 12/03/2022 15:29

But she has a husband who is there. So why do you feel stressed by this. When she didn't message you, you mithered her until she did......you can't have it both ways.

cuppycakey · 12/03/2022 15:34

How do we deal with her?

You don't. You take a very large step back. Aside from the obvious fact that she's DH responsibility, not yours, this is all way too much drama.

Cut out the daily contact - it's excessive and weird. Only deal with her when she is being sensible and rational. Treat her like a toddler, reward the good behaviour and completely ignore her when she is being batshit.

Original poster

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 15:35

She texts us both, if he ignores her she will forward the message to me,because if we dont bother with her she moans at us so we feel like we have to messgae everyday

OP posts:

ScrumptiousBears · 12/03/2022 15:37

My sister is a little bit like this with other members of the family. She thinks as my DC were born before hers they prefer mine over hers. In reality she isn't sociable and doesn't keep in touch with them but expects all the attention, gifts, visits and babysitting.

I'm not sure what the answer is.

Original poster

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 15:39

Ok then to the people saying step back its dhs responsibility then what does he do? As even if i step back shes still part of the family and hes not sure what to do so its still my problem

OP posts:

WouldIwasShookspeared · 12/03/2022 15:40

Tell her that her child is as important to you as your children are to her and she gets what she gives.

Then let her carry on with her tantrums while you focus on your own children

Everydayimhuffling · 12/03/2022 15:41

You have to be gently blunt, OP, and keep saying, "that's not a reasonable expectation because we need our jobs/we can't travel so far all the time/you didn't tell us X happened so how could we possibly support you?" I agree with PPs that you needto take a big step back from messaging every day too. I love my DB and we get on really well, and I speak to him about once a week. Every day really is excessive

WouldIwasShookspeared · 12/03/2022 15:41

Why though? If he's not sure what to do why do you have to step in?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2022 15:42

@LouXx12

She texts us both, if he ignores her she will forward the message to me,because if we dont bother with her she moans at us so we feel like we have to messgae everyday

FFS, op. This is madness, from her and you. Stop pandering to this nonsense. She's not a bloody child.

cuppycakey · 12/03/2022 15:56

Well OP you can only control your own behaviour, so it's up to you what you do.

Either you stop pandering to this shit or you carry on.

FairyCakeWings · 12/03/2022 16:04

She sounds like seriously hard work.

Next time she complains about something you haven’t done for her or her children, point out that she hasn’t done it for you or yours.

AlisonDonut · 12/03/2022 16:05

Why don't you respond in the moment.

If something happened that you didn't know about say 'Sorry to hear that, however we are not mindreaders. Hope Alfie feels better soon'

If she has a pop for not visiting 'sorry to hear that, we have X and Y going on with Sally and Jacob, we'll see when we can next come over or let us know when you are free to come over here'.

AlisonDonut · 12/03/2022 16:07

If she forwards you a message 'thanks, Richard has already seen it. He'll get back to you. Hope all is well'.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2022 16:17

Leave to to your OH to deal with.

She sounds batshit, a drama llama, totally self-centred and not someone I would bother 'checking in with' once a day.

Just step back completely.

Lollypop701 · 12/03/2022 16:18

Do you either wring your hands and complain about the behaviour, or do something about it . Because sil is not going to change her behaviour when she is getting something she wants from it.. your attendance and attention. No one here can waive a magic wand or make the change easy. if what you need is to vent but are happy to put up with it all, that’s fine. Eventually your own dc will realise their cousin is the centre of everyone’s attention… because sil will make sure that’s the case if you continue to allow the current situation … special presents for cousin from you for Christmas and birthday, sil doesn’t reciprocate to yours. Your dc being expected to pander to cousin because if not both sil and cousin sulk etc and that’s probably the tip of the iceberg. Up to you op but by putting boundaries in place now you might salve a relationship rather than ending up NC later on when the damage is too much

Original poster

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 16:19

WouldIwasShookspeared
Because shes family we cant just ignore her, our dcs love her and their cousin so would impact them if we didnt speak to her

OP posts:

Original poster

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 16:25

Lollypop701
You are totally right, im not happy to put up with it, i just dont know how to deal with it, for example at the moment shes acting vague, if i start backing away and dont message her she probably wont message us first so we will eventually have to message asking how dn is ( as we know hes poorly) so then she will flip out and say we haven't bothered to ask how he was hes terrible blah blah then what do i say?

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 12/03/2022 16:26

I'd just message when it feels right, don't be bullied into it.
And when something 'bad' happens at your end send her a message about how upset you are she did t message you about it. See if she works out how batshit that is

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