How to deal with Sil behaviour

[LouXx12]

Dsil is married, they have 1 dc, We live 70 miles away and have 2 dcs
We had a good relationship with her until she had her dc
Dn was a little early and had to stay in hospital for a week or so, We went to visit them in hospital but only the once as we live 70 miles away and have our own dc who are at school
Once out of hospital we went to see them again and then once a month until covid hit in march 2020.
It was around this time that she started sending us messages saying we dont care about her or dn, She said things that i think are batshit but would like your opinion if iabu
She thinks when dn was born that we didnt give her enough support, she thinks one of us should have stayed with her ( she has a dh and his family and all of her friends nearby, we are 70 miles away with 2 dc of our own) when mentioning our dc and the fact we both have jobs, she thinks we should have both rang in sick so one of us could be with her and the other to look after our dc, while obviously our family are important to us, so is keeping a roof over ours and our dcs heads.
We had lots of arguments during lockdown as she wasnt happy that we were following the rules (me and dh both keyworkers nhs) We probably didnt see them for about a year.once we were allowed we started to see them again once a month and all seemed fine. We try and check in with her everyday to make sure they are all ok, every now and then she goes quiet doesnt speak to us for a few days and then sends a stroppy text saying this has happened and i feel really down and no one was there for me, Its starting to really annoy me now as i feel like we are being blamed for not being there, but how can we be there when we live 70 miles away and she doesnt tell us that something bad has happened until a few days later so how can we be there for her if we dont know? Dn was taken to hospital (not life threatening, think toddler accident) She had a go at us for not coming to visit him, he didnt stay in overnight but thinks we should have visited him as he was poorly, can i also point out that since having dn she never asks how our dc are or us for that matter. How do we deal with her?

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B000UG4KF0?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title&tag=mumsnetforu03-21 this is a good book - helped me with my somewhat similar DSis. Unless there's some backstory here where your DH is getting daily messages from your bonkers sibling, back right off. Fortunately or unfortunately, DH and I both have high maintenance siblings so it kind of cancels out.

It's very telling that her own parents have backed off.

There are two ways this can play out

1. It is temporary and once you point it out to her in a gently blunt way she will be aware of it and your relationship will improve

1. She is batshit and anything you say is just going to make things worse

Which one do you think applies?

If it is the first, you should invest the time in sitting down with her and explaining that things can't go on like this and agreeing what is reasonable for you to expect of each other.

If it is the second, your best approach is to resign yourself to the childish behaviour and being the bad SIL and minimise contact other than family events and birthdays.

Send her the link to this thread OP

It sounds like she thinks she’s the first woman to give birth and wants the world to worship and adore her. What’s 70 miles and pulling a few sickies when she’s had a baby?
She’s deranged if she thinks you and your family will drop everything for her when you are summoned by her.
“DN had their first haircut today, why aren’t you here? You’re having a family picnic? Surely a first haircut is more important than your family time”
“DN had a fall and had to have a plaster - you must come immediately, bollocks to your work”
You need to stop her tyranny or it will get even worse!

You need to put boundaries in place.
She will treat you like that and get worse as long as you give no signal to her that it is unacceptable.

She thinks when dn was born that we didnt give her enough support, she thinks one of us should have stayed with her

Why did she think she needed 'support' after simply popping one out? Doesn't she, and all the others who expect others to run themselves ragged to 'support' them, realise that millions give birth, they're nothing special?

She thinks when dn was born that we didnt give her enough support, she thinks one of us should have stayed with her

Why? Her DH was there. It's their kid not yours!

I think there is something bigger at play here. Maybe disordered thinking or some sort of mood/ mental health disorder. She seems intent on finding offence. Not sure how you suggest that tho. I definitely think you are in too much contact. Id cut contact completely.

@LouXx12

I just feel so bad that if she does have pnd and we just step away thats not very nice is it? But how do you help someone like that

@LouXx12 So how about if you text her and ask if she’s considered getting help for her pnd? Would she like you to assist in this? If yes, then she’s in need of support and outside help. Encourage her to speak to GP or health visitor. If she shrieks I’ve not got pnd then you know she’s attention seeking.