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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with Sil behaviour

84 replies

LouXx12 · 12/03/2022 14:10

Dsil is married, they have 1 dc, We live 70 miles away and have 2 dcs
We had a good relationship with her until she had her dc
Dn was a little early and had to stay in hospital for a week or so, We went to visit them in hospital but only the once as we live 70 miles away and have our own dc who are at school
Once out of hospital we went to see them again and then once a month until covid hit in march 2020.
It was around this time that she started sending us messages saying we dont care about her or dn, She said things that i think are batshit but would like your opinion if iabu
She thinks when dn was born that we didnt give her enough support, she thinks one of us should have stayed with her ( she has a dh and his family and all of her friends nearby, we are 70 miles away with 2 dc of our own) when mentioning our dc and the fact we both have jobs, she thinks we should have both rang in sick so one of us could be with her and the other to look after our dc, while obviously our family are important to us, so is keeping a roof over ours and our dcs heads.
We had lots of arguments during lockdown as she wasnt happy that we were following the rules (me and dh both keyworkers nhs) We probably didnt see them for about a year.once we were allowed we started to see them again once a month and all seemed fine. We try and check in with her everyday to make sure they are all ok, every now and then she goes quiet doesnt speak to us for a few days and then sends a stroppy text saying this has happened and i feel really down and no one was there for me, Its starting to really annoy me now as i feel like we are being blamed for not being there, but how can we be there when we live 70 miles away and she doesnt tell us that something bad has happened until a few days later so how can we be there for her if we dont know? Dn was taken to hospital (not life threatening, think toddler accident) She had a go at us for not coming to visit him, he didnt stay in overnight but thinks we should have visited him as he was poorly, can i also point out that since having dn she never asks how our dc are or us for that matter. How do we deal with her?

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 12/03/2022 16:27

Do you have her husbands mobile? Message him to find out how dn is. She messages you so that's the same relationship

Lollypop701 · 12/03/2022 16:40

Start ending messages with… please let me know how he is tomorrow… put the onus on her to provide an update. Tell her you have work, 2 children and it’s chaos so it’s great that she can keep you up to date. When she goes mad because you haven’t called, tell her you know she’ll be busy with an Ill child (because you have 2 and know how it is etc) so don’t want to bother her. Most things can be trumped with your complete understanding as you have a job and 2 kids so you are even more busy than her. The more attention you give the more she wants… you have to break the cycle

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2022 16:46

What do you say?

Be honest! Say you are getting really mixed messages from her. Nothing you do is good enough. It's really stressing you out and you have no way of predicting how to make her happy.

If she goes 'vague' she then complains you don't contact her. You cannot win!

Or define it yourself. Tell her you won't be at her beck and call anymore. She needs to step up and offer you guys as much support as you offer her.

Ask her to define what she wants from your relationship. You really don't have much to lose at this point; but she does.

billy1966 · 12/03/2022 16:56

@Lollypop701 is giving good advice.

You are knee deep in drama that you really don't need to be.

Leave it to your husband.
Don't respond or take offence when she kicks off, just don't reply.
Most people are too busy in their lives with work and children to give this the time and head space.

There will always be drama with her and that drama will inevitably include your children.

Why would you want that?
So what if you don't see your niece.
That is on her mother.

If you don't cop on and deal with tjis you are in for years of drama that will involve your children and they will not thank you for it.

Step away.
Claim to be busy at work.
Ask her to let you know how you niece is, if she has time.

But stop explaining and placating her.

Your constant mollifying of her has created a monster.

Stop engaging with this.
I can't believe you work FT with two children and have time in your life for this bullshit every day.

Step away or drop the rope as posters on MN say.

Bananarama21 · 12/03/2022 17:00

I'd turn it back on her in reference to your own dc.

5zeds · 12/03/2022 17:15

WHY do you have to contact her to find out how he is? What would happen if you didn’t know? You are feeding this nonsense. STOP. Surely you can just meet up when it’s fun and call when you feel like a chat? You don’t need to agree that, just do it.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2022 17:30

No matter what you do or how often you do it, it won't be 'enough'. You'll never be able to please her, so stop trying.

If you don't' want to go NC, then just maintain a level of contact you feel comfortable with. Her reaction to that is her problem, not yours. If she sends you a rant, simply say "We're sorry you feel that way" but do not attempt to justify or 'make up for' your actions. You'll never be able to do either adequately.

And please don't attempt to solve this through her DH. His 'job' is to defend her and she'll also see it as going behind her back. If he contacts you, then fine. But otherwise, leave him out of it.

Neither you nor your DH can control her or make her see 'reason'. And there's no reason why the two of you should wreck your own 'mental peace' in order to try. It may very well end up that the relationship gets broken beyond immediate repair. It will be what it will be. But it will be HER and her demands that fractures the relationship, not your or your DH's reactions to them.

Choccy21 · 12/03/2022 17:34

Do you have to have a relationship with her? You live 70 miles away, I’d just get on with your own life and family.
Leave her to your husband to deal with, I really couldn’t be bothered having someone like that in my life.
You don’t owe her anything and there isn’t any rules saying you have to be friends because you’re married to her brother.

YoComoManzanas · 12/03/2022 17:44

Ugh. I bet she does that vague-booking thing too. Checking in to the hospital on Facebook with no other info. Bin her off and let her actual relative deal with her.
Or send her leaflets for pnd help.

Sceptre86 · 12/03/2022 18:36

She sounds like my sister who has anxiety and depression. My sister has always been selfish and self centred and her conditions only exacerbate those traits as she simply can't see beyond herself. I do check in with her once a week to check on my nephew but when she is being unreasonable I back off completely. She takes ages to get over it and then starts to message me as normal. It doesn't help that my mum very much sees her as her disadvantaged child (she has an autoimmune condition) so we have all been expected to make allowances for her She once didn't talk to me for a week because I didn't message to check how nephew was and he had a cold. I have 3 kids and we all had covid at the time, dh and my baby were quite poorly so as you can imagine I was run ragged and had my own family to take care of. I pointed that out to her and told her to get over herself, a week later she was back to her normal self.

Mostly I understand how you feel but I would say you need to be direct with her when she is being unreasonable or rude. It seems at least in my sisters case that she only considers other people's viewpoints when it is clearly pointed out to her. Best of luck op.

User112 · 12/03/2022 18:38

I’d back off a little bit and let DH deal with her neediness.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 12/03/2022 18:43

@LouXx12

WouldIwasShookspeared Because shes family we cant just ignore her, our dcs love her and their cousin so would impact them if we didnt speak to her

So why doesn't your husband reply to her?

BungleandGeorge · 12/03/2022 19:20

So her parents are your in laws? Do you have much to do with them? What do they think? Was she like this before baby? Can you talk to her husband without her knowing? Does your husband know any of her friends?
Like you id want to try and sort out the situation rather than just cutting contact.

S0upertrooper · 12/03/2022 23:38

What accident did her DS have and do you know for a fact it actually happened. Is she more concerned about her DS's injuries or the fact she's not getting attention?

This might sound a bit far fetched but my first thought when I read your post was Munchausen by proxy. Admittedly I'm no expert but it just feels very suspicious that she demands so much attention.

Flowersandhearts · 12/03/2022 23:51

Maybe once your DN is better you DH could text something along the lines of "We/I love you sis, but we all live busy lives and we might not always be able to check in with you so frequently, it doesn't mean that we don't care".

Incognito32 · 13/03/2022 00:30

Maybe confront the situation head on?

Send her a message like - we need to talk. Then go to her house and be serious about it. Don't walk in all smiles - walk in like you have something to say and she's not going to like it. Set the scene so she knows it's serious. Then sit her down and say you are deeply concerned about her behaviour. That you have done your best to support her but she oblivious to her nieces and nephews and list high level the gripes you have. Say you think she needs help because her expectations aren't normal and her behaviour is worrying, or however is best to word it. I'm just summarising what you've shared here.

There's a few possible ways she could react

go batshit in your face, in which case you can say - we're just trying to help and ultimately leave with the ball in her court and tell her that you're always there if she needs you but you're not going to be treated like this anymore.

She will burst into tears and say she doesn't feel well, she's struggling etc - in which case you were right to approach it this way and she does need help, and then you can put your arms around her and help her through that process

Or she argues with you e.g well you did xyz and you can say - right let's clear our grievances right now because this can't carry on. Listen to whether she has any point and think about how you might handle it in advance. She may well have points that feel very relevant to her. You can say things like - I appreciate you feel like x but to me it feels like you're not considering the challenges we face which are xyz. Hopefully by the end you can have a hug and make up and agree with some boundaries in place etc.

I hate this whole NC suggestion. You don't just dump family for being high maintenance. So I would just face this head on. Set the scene that you mean business and just go in directly with it.

Remind her that you love her, want the relationship but you can't carry on this way.

Would any of that work? I'm just brainstorming but sometimes I think people spend so much time trying to dodge an argument that it just gets worse and worse where NC winds up becoming inevitable when it could have been avoided.

If she isn't in contact with her parents - it could be she really sees you and her brother as surrogate type parents. Overall she sounds very insecure so maybe try to look at it like - she needs you both, in a way that you just don't need her. When you feel more invested in a relationship it can bring about odd behaviour- maybe anyway?

Just trying to help!

Jux · 13/03/2022 02:08

Lollypop701 gives good advice.
I would combine it with "yeah it's awful when they're ill, when dc1 got an ear infection........" etc.

timeisnotaline · 13/03/2022 02:30

@LouXx12

Lollypop701 You are totally right, im not happy to put up with it, i just dont know how to deal with it, for example at the moment shes acting vague, if i start backing away and dont message her she probably wont message us first so we will eventually have to message asking how dn is ( as we know hes poorly) so then she will flip out and say we haven't bothered to ask how he was hes terrible blah blah then what do i say?

If she’s vague, try: sorry it’s too stressful, understand if you don’t want to go into the details! Let us know if you want to talk about it and hope they are much better soon xx. Try some messages that leave the ball in her court and reply much less. She is batshit and you have to stop going along with it.

MarbleQueen · 13/03/2022 02:37

I can’t believe you message this dickhead every day engaging this drama about the toddler. So what if she accuses you of not being bothered! Why do you care what she thinks?

Just stop and let your husband deal with his awful sister.

1forAll74 · 13/03/2022 02:52

Why does she need visits,help, and support after having a baby..?

NameGoesHere · 13/03/2022 06:42

Stop enabling her bad behaviour. Sounds like her parents cottoned on .

User112 · 13/03/2022 07:38

not asking you to cut contacts. Do not engage on a daily basis. Engage less. Talk when you meet. Your DC won’t miss out on her or their cousin. You just have to put yourself above her neediness. If she has Pnd, she needs to see her DC. Harassing you won’t cure PND.

I have a needy SIL and I cut contacts after putting up with crap for years. She expects us to somehow pay the price for her poor choices!

cameocat · 13/03/2022 07:44

I think you call her out too. Tell her to think long and hard about her behaviour, speak to her DH and say you think she needs help. If she goes ballistic so be it. If you keep pointing our her reaction is unreasonable then continuing to support.

Swebby · 13/03/2022 07:50

@AcrossthePond55

No matter what you do or how often you do it, it won't be 'enough'. You'll never be able to please her, so stop trying.

And please don't attempt to solve this through her DH. His 'job' is to defend her and she'll also see it as going behind her back. If he contacts you, then fine. But otherwise, leave him out of it.

AcrossthePond55 has the best suggestion - you cannot reason someone out of an opinion they didn’t reason themselves into. Decide how often you want to be in touch with her (weekly call, monthly visit?) stick to that and everytime she complains say ‘sorry you feel that way’ and move on to something else. You cannot get her to change, you can only change how you react to her complaints, and the healthiest thing would seem to be to let her say her piece and then move past if without taking it on yourself as something to solve.

SingaporeSlinky · 13/03/2022 08:25

Why don’t you get your children to make a card or a drawing for her son, just send it in the post. Then she can’t accuse you of not caring about him, but absolutely stop the daily check in messages. There is no need for you to be doing that. She has a DH, a child to look after, presumably her own friends and other family, she’s not your responsibility, she’s not your sister, and you’re 70 miles away, she can’t rely on you for daily support. If she needs support, she needs to find it closer to home, like baby groups she can join to make local mum friends.

If she’s acting vague and not responding, then you don’t either. It actually makes your life easier not to have the drama. You say you’ll have to message her first, but why? Just leave it and enjoy the space, if you keep making the first move, you’re just inviting the drama back in. Why, when you’ll just get unpleasant messages about how you ‘don’t care’. So just leave it, if you don’t hear from her for a week, or a month, then fine. Get on with your own life and wait for her to get in touch. But if she’s unpleasant, ask why she’s bothering to message you if she’s just going to be like that.

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