The lamest excuse not to see your kids ever 🤯

[Kage30]

Ds is 11, his dad has been in his life but inconsistent. One month there, then the next gone, we don't hear from him for ages. We split when I was pregnant. I never forced him to be a dad. He makes plans with Ds then let's him down, doesn't turn up. Basically - he's useless. He lives 3 miles away btw so no hardship in travelling.

I've heard some cracking excuses over the years.

I don't give a crap if Ds sees his dad or not myself, makes no difference to me. When he sees him it's just for an hour or two anyway. But I feel for ds. He asks why his dad doesn't see him much. He's often a typical Disney dad and turns up with expensive gifts on Christmas Day when he hasn't seen him in weeks.

Anyway, back to the point of my post.

DS's dad has a partner and they have a 4 year old child. His dad actually said last week that he'd see him this weekend. Now he's texted to say that his partner has a new job working weekends and he has to 'look after' their young child so can't have ds, but I assume he means every weekend, not just this weekend.

'Looking after' his younger child is a joke anyway. Surely he's just parenting?! And he could have both his dc at the same time surely?

I'd rather he didn't see him at all sometimes but I try and keep it going, although it's hanging on by a thread. I don't want to be the person seen as the bad guy when all of this on DS's dad, not me. I've never made it hard for him to see him!

So yeah. Proabbkt the lamest excuse I've ever heard 'I can't have Ds because, girlfriend has a new job working weekends and I need to look after my younger Ds' - who he lives with!!

@Gowithme

I'd reply : Sorry I don't understand why you can't have both your children at the same time? But if you're going to just make any excuse to let him down over and over then I think it would be better if you stayed out of his life. The next time you let him down will have to be the last as it is emotionally abusive and really taking a toll on him. He would be better off with no father if this is the best you can do.

Don't put something into print that could be used against you in court.

I would not send this.

Thanks all. Sorry don't have time to reply to everyone 💕 sorry you've all been through similar yourself or your children have! I have a totally non existent dad, but I can't miss what I never knew!

My Dad was flakey when I was a kid and wouldn't turn up but my Mum handled it brilliantly. She was totally honest with us about how flakey he was. We would never have sat waiting for him to turn up. If he pitched up then we did things with him but if he didn't we carried on doing whatever it was we were doing.
The problem with a lot of shitty Dads is that while they find younger kids annoying they can go on to have a good relationship with their kids when they are older. It's incredibly shite behaviour and the Dads don't deserve it but I wonder if some kids would prefer a better-late-than-never relationship with their Dad.
My Dad has always been a crap Dad but I still have a great relationship with him. Im under no illusion he is anything other than he is but I still value him being in my life. I glad my Mum didn't tell him to bugger off from our lives.

I'd just reply "ok" anything else will give him great joy.

I’d rather him not see him at all but I'm worried if I stop contact Ds will resent me.

He’s 11. Assuming no SEN he should be more than capable of making this decision himself. Just ask him what he wants.

I had this same problem. Would have child waiting on the curb for Dad that never showed up. Heartbreaking for me. I talked to child and reviewed past behavior and planned outing the day of promised by Dad. Explained that some people just can't show up and gave a 30 minute envelope to show up and then did our outing so child had something to look forward to. Got lots of counseling and child learned to accept dad as he was and never count on him. Child is now 50 and dad still can't be depended on.

I was once told by my ex he couldn't come for our son because he had to look after his mum, she was hungover I don't know how they can think these excuses are actually valid.

I don’t understand how some (and let’s face it, it’s obviously not an insignificant proportion) fathers can do this. Some of the posts on this thread are heartbreaking. I just can’t imagine deliberately causing my children so much pain and disappointment. And, honestly, I can’t imagine any mother I know doing it either.

I want to know what's preventing him from "bucking up" and doing what he says he will? We can make an assumption its through lack of will and maybe it is. At the same time, all behaviours are caused and so I wonder what is getting in the way?

1. Does he not WANT to see your son? (Some parents don't and whilst I think that's not reasonable, it is what it is)

2. Does he find having two children at the same time too much to handle? (Some parents struggle, even if the "average" person can juggle 2,3,4+ children doesn't mean we all do)

3. Is his partner being difficult about it behind the scenes? (Some partners don't like mixing between children, its weird but it happens a fair amount from my experience)

4. Does he feel guilty? (Guilt is a huge driver for not doing things if it is at excess. Guilt makes us want to avoid/hide away, if its high he will likely want to avoid the prompt for the guilt).

How is your relationship with him? Do you "get on" enough or does every interaction feel like a drag and a battle?

Good luck. This is a common though deeply frustrating problem with ex's.

Omg that's awful

@AHungryCaterpillar

My ex said he wouldn’t be seeing our children because it was raining 🤷‍♀️

Oh my goodness - I thought it was just my ExH who used bad weather as an excuse! It's a standing joke now with my friends

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

And you left him, did you?

Well done. good move.

You know that song I can't remember the name of? "and the cat in the cradle and silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon? When you coming home, son, I don't know when, but we'll have a good time then, son, you know we'll have a good time then" The dad never turns up and then he gets old the boy never visits him?

It'd make a good ring tone.

Cats in the cradle by ugly kid joe-banging tune

My ex’s excuses where

Vans broken down
I’ve got a hole in my shoe
I’m meeting x in town so can’t come round
I’m taking my 14 year old girlfriend to the abortion clinic
My mums locked me in the house
You’ve had a bloke round and he stayed all night (untrue)
I can’t find your address
It’s raining
It’s too hot
Dole hasn’t paid me this week
I slept in (saw him in town an hour later)
Can’t be bothered to take them to the park-it’s boring
My sisters ill
My mum can’t have em unless you pay her

He lived round the corner-there was a church blocking his view into my bedroom window but he couldn’t be bothered to walk round

You need to speak to your DS and ask what he wants
He probably thinks he has no choice and that is teaching him poor relationship skills.
Someone walks in and out of his life and lets him down whenever they want and he has no say in the matter he has to just take it and accept it.
Give him some power back, he’s old enough.

I had a similar problem with my DD's dad. He was very flakely and she when she did see him, by about 10, she said she didn't like seeing him. By 11, I let her make the decision to not see him much. She is 17 now and sees him maybe twice a year (birthdays and Christmas). She doesn't talk to him at any other time. I let her guide me, as I was tired of seeing her let down.

My dd's dad is just as fickle as many others on here.
'I've had a bit of a nightmare day/week 30 seconds so won't make it up to see her'
My personal favourite is phoning as he's due and asking if dd is free... yes (although why I keep the evening free I never know) ok great, I'm not going to make it what's she doing Saturday?

There was a time I'd then rearrange plans but then she'd end up being disappointed twice. If he can't spare a couple of hours for her, which let's face it isn't much, that's his choice.

Dd goes through phases of think the sun shines our of his butt, and others 'hating' him and not wanting to know. I try and remain ever nice, she'll be old enough soon to realise it all for herself.

@OldTinHat

The father of my two DS phoned me when DS2 was in the pushchair and I was waiting for DS1 to come out of reception at home time. He said, ,"I won't be seeing the boys anymore. It doesn't suit." And hung up. And he never did.

Gowithme

I'd reply : Sorry I don't understand why you can't have both your children at the same time? But if you're going to just make any excuse to let him down over and over then I think it would be better if you stayed out of his life. The next time you let him down will have to be the last as it is emotionally abusive and really taking a toll on him. He would be better off with no father if this is the best you can do

This is a nutshell. My mother allowed my father to reject me constantly and then I continued the pattern out of some weird obligation he’s my father duty because I kept wishing he would change. Only recently did I have the courage to reject him. I decided i he didn’t deserve to hold me by a bare thread dangling his love . There might not be a God on a cloud judging you but trust me your children knowing u through this kind of hurt and rejection know that father for the man he truly is. I felt often why was I born but now I just think someone had to bear witness and understand what makes us flawed. I was like a strange tool dangled on a string I wasn’t allowed to forget or be free of his constant rejection. To be free of any expectation but that he will only manipulate me for ego? It took a lot of unravelling and a lot of self harm in the form of comfort eating . I would buy a bag of sweets from the garage and sit on a hill stuffing all the chocolate in a bid to fill an empty chasm. I wouldn’t wish that kind of heartache on any child and that child still lives within your adult life . It where you race back to if u get any set backs. All my siblings had the same low expectations in partners despite achieving highly . How do these narcissists sleep at night . Easy they rewrite the situation in their heads I even have proof my sister finding an article during lockdown that was a complete fiction of his family life . He said had two children not the 4 . One previous family not the two he was an artist and not the property landlord that swoops in. It was all romantic fiction painting him as this decent guy. I am so glad the lies are in print. I am free to finally reject him before he rejects me. I had a terrible fear of the rejection in his will . He is a wealthy man and ran off with all the family money and has excessive wealth. I finally made peace that by cutting him out of my life I have opted out of the last painful blow yet I know its still going to sting. Please don’t put your child through having to model a father figure on this man because that is what happens they are your first example of what a man is and not all men thank fully are this shambolic to their kin. I had to learn what a good father is because my bar was very low and confused. Much better to know how things should be then how they shouldn’t trust me there is not a good lesson there unless they want to be embroiled in toxic relations and accepting it.

Ex once told me that he couldn’t have Ds as he was having the kitchen replaced and it wouldn’t be safe for Ds.
A reasonable excuse if Ds was a toddler. He was 15! This kitchen replacement took 6 weeks.

Dd’s final straw to his crap was at 11. In the space of a month he bought himself a new car, 4k tv and a holiday to New York and then couldn’t have her for her birthday and bought her nothing as “he didn’t have any money”
Ds took longer but stopped contact at 16 after giving him endless chances.
Both kids are much happier now and its lovely not having to deal with his shit excuses.

Wondering how people have gone on who have told their kids 'it's up to you' if they see absent Dad or not.. I told court that my then 11 yr old had had enough and they didn't believe me.. had to have child psych consult at MY expense etc.. Cafcass told me son had said he missed his dad.. I said I miss his dad too, but as things WERE, before he bailed.. it only stopped when son told the lady at the contact centre that he didn't want to see his dad.
Dad took it back to court and was told he could only send gifts / letters to grandma's address. He finally gave up at that point.

My children’s dad lives in another country and hasn’t seen them for 3 years now. There’s a family wedding coming up and I’ve heard on the grapevine that they are expected to be there… unfortunately we are away that week so they aren’t available. I can already foresee the drama this will create and the narrative will be loud that I’m ‘stopping him seeing his kids’

I think I would have enjoyed hearing some excuses as to why he couldn’t see his kids. Instead it’s been radio silence…

This is the kind of thing I worry about if my kids end up with different dads but DS favourite one is ‘he’s got work’ yeah don’t we all

I think you need to speak to him. Tell him you have to manage DS’s expectations and disappointments and you want to know straight what his intentions are to his son. Let him be honest then you can be clear what to expect because you then need to talk to DS. As gently as possible be honest with him. Don’t put his Dad down but at least he’ll know what to expect. As he grows your DS will make his own mind up about his father and decide whether to accept him as he is or cease contact himself. He’ll also know who’s always had his back - you! My kids went through something similar

What a dreadful man, no wonder you are divorced - but awful for your son - personally I would ring him and explain to him that he is hurting his child, this is emotional abuse, and if this is how is going to be you are going to have to have a long chat with your child and explain why his father doesn't come to see him, I e that he is a selfish man, in the knowledge that your son will never be in his life again, and that will be your ex 's permanent loss, so he needs to understand the irreparable harm he will have done if this is how he is going to be

So sad to read, esp for your ds. Always been so unfair how some dads can just dip into their kids' lives yet still be immortalised. Your son will realise and as a brilliant Mum you know you have always made it accessible for them to meet. Grind teeth, tell him fair and square and one day he will hopefully realise what a dick he has been. X

Perhaps schools could do a topic on choosing a decent Father for our children. Or something similar. There seems to be so many broken marriages, and even more damaged children because mums chose badly. Sad when parents are not married.