AIBU to expect the High School to help my Y11 DD?

[Worrysaboutalot]

TLTR What can I expect the high school to do for my daughter who is 15yo and really struggling to attend school due to the noise of the other children? Her BMI has drop down to 17 and the doctor says if it drops further, it might become an issue.

DETAILS
My DD is 15yo and in Y11, just finished her mocks with reasonable grades (though her teachers think she can do better) She is in sets 1 and 2 for all subjects.

DD doesn’t mind the schoolwork/teachers and voluntarily attends revision classes held at the end of the school day. As these are small groups of self-selected therefore well-behaved peers.

In years 7 though to 10 she had a near perfect attendance and did all remote work during the Covid lockdowns. We also have other children at this school who are both doing well and get regular attendance and hard work reports.

However, Year 11 has been very difficult for DD. After the relative quiet of home learning, DD cannot cope with the noise of a full classroom and the bad behaviour of the few pupils who like to disrupt the class.

DD has a near permanent stomach pains and feels sick every day. Because she feels like this, she is restricting her food. She won’t eat breakfast, as she worries, she will throw up in school. She won’t eat lunch as she has to stand outside with the rest of her year (darn covid bubbles) and a couple of the boys play football and she has been hit a couple of times (accidently) but it upset her.

She eats a small amount in the evenings when home. However, the GP and I don’t think is an eating disorder, as DD eats well Friday evening and Saturday when she is home and feels safe. Then Sunday she won’t eat much because it is school tomorrow. School holidays are near normal eating until the last day before school returns. GP thinks this is stress or anxiety food restriction. But wants to watch to make sure it doesn’t tip over into an eating disorder.

Last month we took her to the nurse at the local GP practise, who talked to her and looked at her food diary. The GP did blood tests and said all was fine.
Last month the school gave her a toilet pass and appointments with their counsellors, who tested her and said she was fine and didn’t fit the criteria for needing further help.

Unknown to DD the family scales are synced to our phones, and we can see our own weights and also ‘guests’ She only weighs herself monthly, but the last reading showed she had dropped to a 17 BMI reading.

We went back to the doctors this week. She has another blood test next week and he is referring her to CAMHS. Though this is unlikely to be of any use in the short term and it is her weight and final exams which are immediate short-term concern.

GP mentioned the possibility of trying a small dose of an antidepressant just to take until June and over her exams but wanted to do blood test first.

School have now sent us a letter saying her attendance is too low and they might fine us. However, a lot of the time she goes to school and begs the nurse to let her home. So, they are sending her home! How can we be fined if they are sending her home!

Some days are better, and she stays in school all day, but they are rare.

Earlier this week I have asked school to help us. They mentioned a CAMHS referral, but we already have that from the GP.
Bearing in mind all the learning has been completed for the Y11 children, these pupils are revising in lessons from now until exam time.

I suggested any of the following would help DD (in order of her preference)

1. DD comes home on study leave (like they give to the badly behaved kids, they do half days) and I supervise her. DD goes to school in evening for revision classes
2. DD studies in the school library (no go as she wouldn’t be supervised)
3. DD studies in the school library with me (I have an enhanced CRB)
4. DD goes to all classes but has a quiet place she can sit during breaks, lunches, and assemblies
5. Everything as it is now but teachers don’t call on her in class to interact with them.

The Head of Y11 gave a flat no to all these suggestions. So, I asked the Head of Y11 to come up with a solution herself and she is going to discuss it with another staff member but still hasn’t got back to me two days later.

Other things to note. She has a small group of her friends. No bullying issues. No SEN.

We do talk to her about her food intake. Encourage her to have small snacks over the day. She eats a mixture of healthy food salads and some unhealthy crisps. She knows she doesn’t eat enough. We also explained that some/all her symptoms could be because she doesn’t eat enough.

We have tried herbal remedies and seasickness bands for the sickness.
For the stomach aches we give her 6 plus Calpol and Calpol meltable capsules to take to school, as she can’t swallow pills.
I just don’t what to do. Really, I would be happy to deregister her from school but apparently that would mean we would have to spend loads of money to get her into GCSES exams.

Lastly, over Covid I got really sick. Developed a rare neurology condition. This meant loads of worrying hospitals appointments, we had to leave our DD in charge of her younger siblings, with grandparents close by in case of emergency. I do feel the extra responsibilities and worrying about me made her anxiety worse. I feel very responsible. Now I have a mobility car and my wheelchair I have more independence, but DD and her siblings have more to do around the house and to help me.

AIBU to expect the High School to help my Y11 DD?

Can I ask about the noise? When she hears all the loudness, how does it make her feel? I know she's anxious, but does the noise make her angry, upset, feel like she needs to get out of the room right away?

Oh, @Worrysaboutalot - I can’t offer much help, but I remember your story and am really sorry that things aren’t better for you.

I was very similar to your daughter in sixth form, though I was being bullied by a teacher (this was the 80s and things were different, though I did eventually attend a tribunal, the result of which he was struck off). My symptoms and story were pretty much the same. It was all anxiety. I wonder if it’s just the pressure of the last few years, together with some natural exam anxiety and worry about the future, coming out now.

I think the referral to CAMHS is likely to be the most positive intervention you could have, and it might be that an anti anxiety med or antidepressants will help her feel a little better so she is more able to engage with and benefit from some therapy.

Please try not to feel guilty and blame yourself. I was going through all sorts when it happened to me, not just the bullying, but also worried about my mother and grandmother being very ill at the same time. I maintain that this experiences, hard though they were at the time, helped to make me the person I am now, resilient and caring and better able to advocate for myself. She will be fine in time.

Does she have plans for 16-18? It could be that a fresh start for A levels or whatever she does next really helps her.

I think you need to wait for the response from the Year Head.

One of your suggestions I was a bit confused with.

5.Everything as it is now but teachers don’t call on her in class to interact with them.

Why would this help? Being able to answer questions coherently is an important skill. Of course it is a bit awkward and nervewracking for many children, but it is an important skill to learn.

I think the school need to work with you. Your 3rd suggestion sounds very reasonable to me.
A lot of what you describe in your daughter sounds like anxiety. The noisy few for example won't have suddenly become noisy, it's possibly her feelings about them or what they represent that has changed. She's at a turning point in her life, she's maybe a bit frightened.
She sounds very clever, which can be a blessing and a curse, but what really stands out is that she can talk to you and trusts you, and that you will do anything it takes.
I'm an Assistant Head, I've taught for 20 years. I've seen lots of students have crises in Year 11, and it's harrowing for all involved. But, hand on heart, all off the ones I know have pulled through. I think you and your daughter will already feel better in a few months. A whole new chapter in her life will begin. The school must meet you halfway. Good luck.

What a tricky situation for you OP which must be worrying. It sounds like your dd has had a rough couple of years over and above covid.

I can see why school said no to points 1-4. They are unrealistic expectations and she needs to be in lessons accessing the curriculum and revision as much as possible. After school sessions are maximum 2 hours per day, this isn't enough and they won't be the right content to support her. Being in the library with you is unrealistic, how would she learn?

Point 5 is a fair request and I would ask why this can't happen? We have students like this. I won't lie, they get a worse quality of education because I can't check for understanding BUT it is better than them not being there at all.

Has she tried any of the noise dampening headphones? We have students who struggle with noise wear then and it helps. She would need permission as they can look like normal headphones.

Point 4 may just be the logistics of finding somewhere. We barely have space for staff to be somewhere quiet in breaks due to split breaks etc so adding a student in the mix would be difficult. However there would be times this could work. Are there any lunchtime clubs?

Is it worth home schooling? My daughter's the same with food. She can't eat in school because she feels stressed, but she eats her dinner when she gets home. I've bought nice premium chocolate bars, and give her one after her dinner. She eats perfectly fine during the weekends and holidays. I also give her hot chocolates to boost her calories. I hope you find a plan that works for you.

Two of my Students wear ear defenders when there is noise in the room. Can she do that when she is working?

Is she perfectionist & ambitious? Sounds like ED to me, sorry.

We have a couple of offers for A levels. DD wants to take the small local college offer. The class sizes are smaller than the high school. Though she was both horrified and surprised that you can address the teachers by their first name!

It is more relax than her high-school and how the sixth form at her current school would be.

Her mock results are enough for all her college offers. I am confident she can do similar or better for her real exams.

I didn't think of headphones. She wouldn't wear the big ones her brother wore as a young kid. However I did see an advert for Calmer inner ear headphones which are meant to lower noise, might be worth try.

I am not sure of the doctor will give the antipressants or not. I feel very conflicted on this issue.

I feel for you OP. I hope the head of year gives it some thought and meets you halfway.

What about special arrangements for lunchtimes? Could she be allowed to go to lunch a few minutes early with a friend? Or a packed lunch in a quiet room. It is difficult for schools sometimes to make these sorts of arrangements for to lack of space but it's worth an ask

This might be a stupid suggestion, but what about ear defenders for the noise between lessons? She might not want something conspicuous on her head but it might work. Or even basic foam ear plugs?

You are obviously doing your best for your DD. In truth there's not much time left now until exams start. 5 weeks until Easter and then exams start in May and she'll be off on study leave.

If she's stressed could she just not attend school? They will pressure you but you have tried to offer solutions and really not going to school is better than being forced to go in and being too stressed to do well in her exams.

DD does have SEN, SEMH is a type of SEN. Have you spoken to the SENCO?

Suggestions 4&5 are reasonable adjustments if by call out you mean read aloud, ask questions etc. DD won’t be the only child in the school who needs somewhere quiet at break and lunch or that doesn’t cope in assemblies. A time out pass may help as may noise cancelling headphones which aren't like ear defenders and looking at seating plans.

Don’t deregister. If DD cannot attend school full time the LA should be providing alternative provision under s.19, the Education Act 1996. By deregistering and EHE the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements and therefore they are relieved if their duties. It is easier to get support when on a school’s roll, even if not attending, because bluntly you are someone’s problems whereas it is too easy for DC’s needs to be swept under the carpet when EHE.

Most GPs won’t prescribe antidepressants to children and young people without them being initiated by a psychiatrist, as per NICE guidelines.

Maybe headphones like this, if the school agrees
www.flareaudio.com/products/calmer

Those headphones look great, I'd ask to try them.

Give the antidepressants a go, it might give her the support to access these next few weeks of year 11.

Not sure what SEMH is? But I will ask to speak to SENCO and see if they can suggest anything.

There is no study leave at her high school, the pupils attend full school days until July.

So it is 4 months until she leaves school.

If you took her out of school completely are you confident she could eat enough everyday?

If not, then it is an ED and the eating well on 1 or 2 days is simply a mask.

Are you sure they're in until July, the last exam is 24th June and the contingency day 28th June.

You may well find towards the last couple of weeks they are only required to attend for the exams and not the test of the time (despite what school say).

SEMH is social, emotional and mental health.

@BigYellowTaxiT

If you took her out of school completely are you confident she could eat enough everyday?

If not, then it is an ED and the eating well on 1 or 2 days is simply a mask.

I am not 100% sure if she will eat normally if we kept her home. Which is why we agreed the CAMHS referral. We are not experts.

I think/hope being home would be enough to help her.

However then I think will getting her out of the house and into college become a problem. Aka would we be kicking the can down the lane.

In my experience, it tends to be the young people who are most disenchanted with school that opt for college (two of my own DC like this). So some college students may be less studious and attentive in lessons than your daughter - or pupils at a school sixth form generally. How would she cope with that when behaviour of other pupils in lessons is something that causes her difficulties at the moment?

I will check on the the last day of school is and if there is any flexibility at all in the last weeks.

Tbh as long as she's in for the actual exams the school won't be overly bothered about attendance from about May onwards.

I think your suggestions were all valid, with the exception of you doing the supervision, but equally school are within their rights to veto them.
Ear plugs/headphones are one suggestion worth investigating. White noise is another.

Are any lessons significantly better/worse than others? A half way house to being in the library full time would be to attend eg maths, english, art and computing, and be in the library for other lessons.

@Undertheoldlindentree

In my experience, it tends to be the young people who are most disenchanted with school that opt for college (two of my own DC like this). So some college students may be less studious and attentive in lessons than your daughter - or pupils at a school sixth form generally. How would she cope with that when behaviour of other pupils in lessons is something that causes her difficulties at the moment?

Honestly, I don't know how she would cope with bad behaviour in college. I was assuming kids would fail to turn up to lessons if they weren't interested in learning.

Eating / not eating is about a sense of control. Feeling like life is overwhelming and the only thing you can control is your food intake. The weekend when she’s eating a lot - are you sure she’s not vomiting it up?
I can’t see how anyone with her pattern of eating does not have an eating disorder. It’s like people who don’t drink during the week and then binge drink on the weekend

If you take syrupy pain meds regularly it will make your stomach ache and make you feel really sick. This might be adding onto anxiety stomach pains. Effervescent paracetamol can make you feel a bit gross but is better. Or nurofen meltlets but obviously can’t take them every day on going. Just in case that might help a little