AIBU to expect the High School to help my Y11 DD?

[Worrysaboutalot]

TLTR What can I expect the high school to do for my daughter who is 15yo and really struggling to attend school due to the noise of the other children? Her BMI has drop down to 17 and the doctor says if it drops further, it might become an issue.

DETAILS
My DD is 15yo and in Y11, just finished her mocks with reasonable grades (though her teachers think she can do better) She is in sets 1 and 2 for all subjects.

DD doesn’t mind the schoolwork/teachers and voluntarily attends revision classes held at the end of the school day. As these are small groups of self-selected therefore well-behaved peers.

In years 7 though to 10 she had a near perfect attendance and did all remote work during the Covid lockdowns. We also have other children at this school who are both doing well and get regular attendance and hard work reports.

However, Year 11 has been very difficult for DD. After the relative quiet of home learning, DD cannot cope with the noise of a full classroom and the bad behaviour of the few pupils who like to disrupt the class.

DD has a near permanent stomach pains and feels sick every day. Because she feels like this, she is restricting her food. She won’t eat breakfast, as she worries, she will throw up in school. She won’t eat lunch as she has to stand outside with the rest of her year (darn covid bubbles) and a couple of the boys play football and she has been hit a couple of times (accidently) but it upset her.

She eats a small amount in the evenings when home. However, the GP and I don’t think is an eating disorder, as DD eats well Friday evening and Saturday when she is home and feels safe. Then Sunday she won’t eat much because it is school tomorrow. School holidays are near normal eating until the last day before school returns. GP thinks this is stress or anxiety food restriction. But wants to watch to make sure it doesn’t tip over into an eating disorder.

Last month we took her to the nurse at the local GP practise, who talked to her and looked at her food diary. The GP did blood tests and said all was fine.
Last month the school gave her a toilet pass and appointments with their counsellors, who tested her and said she was fine and didn’t fit the criteria for needing further help.

Unknown to DD the family scales are synced to our phones, and we can see our own weights and also ‘guests’ She only weighs herself monthly, but the last reading showed she had dropped to a 17 BMI reading.

We went back to the doctors this week. She has another blood test next week and he is referring her to CAMHS. Though this is unlikely to be of any use in the short term and it is her weight and final exams which are immediate short-term concern.

GP mentioned the possibility of trying a small dose of an antidepressant just to take until June and over her exams but wanted to do blood test first.

School have now sent us a letter saying her attendance is too low and they might fine us. However, a lot of the time she goes to school and begs the nurse to let her home. So, they are sending her home! How can we be fined if they are sending her home!

Some days are better, and she stays in school all day, but they are rare.

Earlier this week I have asked school to help us. They mentioned a CAMHS referral, but we already have that from the GP.
Bearing in mind all the learning has been completed for the Y11 children, these pupils are revising in lessons from now until exam time.

I suggested any of the following would help DD (in order of her preference)

1. DD comes home on study leave (like they give to the badly behaved kids, they do half days) and I supervise her. DD goes to school in evening for revision classes
2. DD studies in the school library (no go as she wouldn’t be supervised)
3. DD studies in the school library with me (I have an enhanced CRB)
4. DD goes to all classes but has a quiet place she can sit during breaks, lunches, and assemblies
5. Everything as it is now but teachers don’t call on her in class to interact with them.

The Head of Y11 gave a flat no to all these suggestions. So, I asked the Head of Y11 to come up with a solution herself and she is going to discuss it with another staff member but still hasn’t got back to me two days later.

Other things to note. She has a small group of her friends. No bullying issues. No SEN.

We do talk to her about her food intake. Encourage her to have small snacks over the day. She eats a mixture of healthy food salads and some unhealthy crisps. She knows she doesn’t eat enough. We also explained that some/all her symptoms could be because she doesn’t eat enough.

We have tried herbal remedies and seasickness bands for the sickness.
For the stomach aches we give her 6 plus Calpol and Calpol meltable capsules to take to school, as she can’t swallow pills.
I just don’t what to do. Really, I would be happy to deregister her from school but apparently that would mean we would have to spend loads of money to get her into GCSES exams.

Lastly, over Covid I got really sick. Developed a rare neurology condition. This meant loads of worrying hospitals appointments, we had to leave our DD in charge of her younger siblings, with grandparents close by in case of emergency. I do feel the extra responsibilities and worrying about me made her anxiety worse. I feel very responsible. Now I have a mobility car and my wheelchair I have more independence, but DD and her siblings have more to do around the house and to help me.

AIBU to expect the High School to help my Y11 DD?

No, you don’t need the school’s blessing although it is likely to help. Some LAs like to claim the school have to refer, but they can’t lawfully refuse provision because the school haven’t referred.

You can ask for provision under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. It is often called medical needs EOTAS tuition, although some areas have other names for it. If you google your LA and medical needs EOTAS tuition you are likely to find what team are responsible in your LA.You can email the Director of Children’s Services to request it.

I have a lot to think about and a lot to research.

@sirsighalot

OP as ImitatingDory says, don't deregister her.

My DD was also ill in year 11, and could not cope with school. I kept her at home and thanks to some fabulous MNetters I found out about the Local Authority Out of School Education Service. As she was too ill to attend school, they sent a tutor twice a week to help with English language and maths, and she revised at home the rest of the time. As she was still enrolled at school she was able to return to sit her exams.

it's horrible isn't it.

Yes, very horrible!

Off to google 'Local Authority Out of School Education Service'

@Hercisback

Are you sure they're in until July, the last exam is 24th June and the contingency day 28th June.

You may well find towards the last couple of weeks they are only required to attend for the exams and not the test of the time (despite what school say).

SEMH is social, emotional and mental health.

I checked. They are in every day until 24th June! So better than DD original thought.

@Worrysaboutalot you say she doesn’t have ASD. It sounds like she has anorexia and she’s making excuses not to eat. Anorexics are really good at making excuses. Your Dd will not do well if she is starving her body and mind and desperately needs a psychiatrist and ED specialist dietician.

In the meantime, make her have Ensure Plus shakes in between meals and also as meals if she doesn’t finish. She needs high calorie food eg nut butter, nuts, cooking oils (be more liberal with use), fatty fish (mackerel, salmon), avocado, full fat dairy.

Make her high calorie shakes - be liberal with dairy, nut butter, banana. Be liberal with cooking oil. Large portions of nuts and nut butter and large cups of 100% fruit juice or full fat milk in between meals. All of these are low volume so she’s able to eat more calories without having to eat a large portion. If she’s reluctant to eat these then you know she has an ED.

Without telling her, you might want to tally up the calories she eats in a day. She needs 2500+ to restore her weight.

www.myfooddata.com/articles/highest-calorie-foods.php

There seem to be a lot of posters keen to diagnose the OP's DD with something - anorexia or ASD. Yes, she needs professional help, but it is possible that the problem is as described by the OP.

OP it really does sound like anxiety, a mix of COVID, being away from you who she is/was probably phenomenally worried about, the internal momentous sense of responsibility she felt at suddenly being in charge of so much,the stress of exams, the lack of understanding from her school....food is one thing she can maybe control and the sickness is a common response to stress triggers. For me home school sounds 100% the best choice although I appreciate that might not be feasible. Just sending hugs as it sounds really tough on you all.

I don't think anybody should be diagnosing anything over the internet. It sounds as if this poor child has an awful lot on her plate and isn't getting any support, at least from the school. If she could have a breathing space and take the pressure off, things might become a bit clearer. IME, a child who is self motivated and keeping up with their work/achieving good results can probably manage fine with a few weeks off to just process everything.
My child was seriously ill and was off for 5 months. School were determined not to offer any support whatsoever on return. Child walked out of that school with good GCSEs due to their own home study, went to 6th form college and got good A levels, mainly because the pastoral care at the 6th form college was excellent.
OP, I really feel for you. I cried a lot with worry over my child, but it did work out in the end, once I looked outside the school for help.

I don’t think any of us can (or would ) diagnose
But some of us can give advice based on our own experiences
As a parent we see a struggling child and we look desperately around for solutions that match our understanding . Other people may just be able to offer other possible insights and routes that helped them .
One of my daughters was very unwell for sometime , became very anxious - I was sure she had an ED but couldn’t account for the anxiety - until I was better informed . I also certainly didn’t realise she had a significant (previously undiagnosed ) heart condition which had made everything worse .
So of course we’re not diagnosing but we are recognising there could be more than route and explanation and solution.
What presents is not necessarily the full story .
All the best OP

And I should add my school were entirely supportive and gave her all the time she needed to recover .
She’s now back in and happy in school again because all the underlying issues were properly diagnosed and given the support she needed so explore everything angle .

Posters aren’t diagnosing OP’s DD. They are saying DD has lots of signs and should be assessed, and ASD shouldn’t be ruled out just because her brother doesn’t have ASD, girls present differently and DD does display lots of the markers.

OP could you arrange for private counselling in the meantime, because waiting lists are so long for CAMHS.

I was assuming kids would fail to turn up to lessons if they weren't interested in learning

If only….

I even applied for a job at her school but they didn't even interview me!

I’m not surprised, this is quite an odd thing to do.

I know this thread is about how to help with school, but I just wanted to say that it sounds like your DD is really struggling with her mental health / anxiety:

• she's anxious about being in school because of people being noisy
• she's anxious about feeling sick at school to the extent that she won't eat at school / breakfast and eats minimally on Sundays so has lost a lot of weight
• she's started to get upset about going to school and has low attendance
• she's picking her 6th form based on avoiding environments she now finds stressful (but which were previously fine)
• she's anxious about meeting new people and socializing outside of your family.

I'm quite anxious by personality and I really struggled in my teenage years. It's not nice to find everyday activities like going to school horribly stressful and to not know how to manage that apart from by avoiding the stressful situations.

Luckily as an adult I was able to access therapy that really helped. I thought for a long time I just had to put up with feeling very anxious most of the time (and that everyone felt the same and just coped), but that actually wasn't true - I'm so much less anxious now and it hardly affects me at all.

Your daughter has been referred to CAMHS which is good, but there could be a long wait. Is there any possibility you could afford a private therapist for her? Anxiety can often be treated effectively by quite a small number of sessions of Cognitive behavioural therapy for example, so you wouldn't be signing up to pay for weekly sessions indefinitely.

If your daughter is anxious about that too, maybe making the focus helping her with anxiety rather than getting her to eat would help it seem less scary?

@Jedsnewstar

I even applied for a job at her school but they didn't even interview me!

I’m not surprised, this is quite an odd thing to do.

I applied for the job at her school, as I need a job and that job would suit me, duties and wage wise.

I apply for a lot of school jobs. They are accessible buildings by law, so I know I can get to the office.

I have carefully read all the posts but had to dash another hospital appointment and didn't have time to reply to them all.

I have been talking with DH this morning and we have agreed a rough plan of action.

We already have some of the shakes mentioned earlier on the thread from when I was ill. So DD will be encouraged to drink them.

We will both write down all the food/drink we see DD eat and tally up calories.
If low then we will take finding to GP and request urgent dietician appointment.

We will research CRB therapy privately.

I will meet with school with an open kind, however education is behind her physical and mental health concerns in priority.

I am just so worried and want to wave a magic wand and make everything alright, sigh but I can't

Open mind