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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Full time working moms how do you do it?!

89 replies

unicornanddinosaur · 10/03/2022 19:47

I have two young DC both under 5. I was a stay at home mom for the first 3 years and have recently returned to full time work.
The main thing I find so difficult is when one of the DC is poorly. I'm lucky that I do have a good support system for school pick ups and drop offs but if the kids are ever ill then it's normally only me who can pick them up.
I've only been in my new job a few weeks and already have had to have a couple of days off due to DC being poorly.
On the occasions I have had to leave I have been made to feel pretty bad about it by work. I understand that I am being paid to do a job but if my kids are poorly what choice do I have but to go and collect them/look after them.
What annoys me the most is that it's never expected of dads. In my husbands job if he tells them one of the kids is poorly they just say he can't have the time off. Even when our DD was recently in the hospital.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I think I'm just annoyed that it's so different for moms and dads in terms of work. I love my kids more than anything in the world but am made to feel so guilty if I miss time off work because of 'mom duties' and yet the same pressure isn't put on dads. I just feel it's all a bit unfair

OP posts:
TwinMum89 · 10/03/2022 19:55

That sounds really unfair! I work full time. My husband works four days a week and looks after our twins on the fifth day. They go to nursery the other four days.

If they are poorly, then we don’t have any other childcare options. We both have jobs where we can work from home and will work half a day each, whilst the other looks after whoever is poorly. We often try to make up the hours in evening or at weekend so as not have to take unpaid leave or holiday. Our employers are very flexible and don’t mind this.

Loopytiles · 10/03/2022 19:56

Your problem is your H not sharing the time off for unwell DC

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 10/03/2022 19:59

Please don’t assume your experience is the same as everyone else’s. You say it’s never expected of fathers- it absolutely is for some of us. My husband has taken more time off with our DC than I have.

The problem is that you aren’t shouldering the load equally.

TulipsGarden · 10/03/2022 20:01

When our child is ill we decide who can now easily manage a day off, or if we're at home we split the day in two and catch up in the evening. We share the load, and have stayed with employers who are flexible over finding better paid/more interesting work.

alwaystakethetrip · 10/03/2022 20:02

Agree. Responsibility is split 100% down the middle if you are both working - it's the only way you can make it work

findingsomeone · 10/03/2022 20:03

DH and I split it 50:50. I know what you mean with the presumption being mum will go to poorly children, and you have to force it not to be that way in some sectors. I think society expects men to stay at work. I earn more than DH (he earns 60% what I do) and it makes zero sense for me to take the hit. I do get some carer's leave meaning I wouldn't always lose pay, but career wise we both want me to progress whereas DH doesn't want to right now. It's therefore 'better' for us for him to take the hit. My work are supportive and lovely so we are doing more like 50:50, but DH knows and is on board with the fact if one of us has to take the hit, it will always be him with the short straw.

I think mums always being the ones to go is why some employers get exasperated with it too. Doesn't help recruitment prospects for women if it's assumed we will never be there due to poorly DC etc either.

AmberGer · 10/03/2022 20:03

In our case we would lose too much money if dh was off with dc. I work weekends, 12 hour shifts, not ideal but it means all bases are covered, school runs, school hols, illnesses etc. I'm here.
He's here at weekends when I'm at work.
I earn just as much on a weekend as I would in a full time job as I get shift allowance.

NatriumChloride · 10/03/2022 20:05

Why isn’t your DH taking time off? What do you mean, his job say he can’t have time off? What does he do?

Nidan2Sandan · 10/03/2022 20:05

Whilst I dont entirely disagree with your assertion about dads, I feel I have to state that my husband will share the time off wherever possible too.

It's just because of his job, being vital to the public (emergency services) we try to avoid him calling out unless I absolutely cannot. Thankfully my employer is super flexible.

Mar2022 · 10/03/2022 20:07

With difficulty when they were young and I have a supportive family. Grandparent, great grandparents and siblings will help. We had our kids young. Great grandparents health started declining, grandparents and siblings work although part time so they are sometimes available but it happened several times that I would have to take emergency leave, occasionally followed by annual leave or unpaid leave if they were ill for more than a day and family couldn't help.

It's easier now they are older and we both work from home some days but it isn't ideal.

I have a supportive job who flexibility for this sort of thing. My husband's work don't allow for men or women. It's unpaid leave if it's short notice.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 10/03/2022 20:07

Partner went part time, that's how we coped. He was the one who had to be flexible if a child was unwell, as my job couldn't accommodate that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2022 20:08

You and your partner are being unreasonable. You need to have some system with your DH where you work out between you who can work from home when one of the kids is sick.

If it is you staying home, you'd want to be able to at least offer to work that you'll make up the hours some other way (when possible).

If you sometimes also have the option of parents or PIL who can look after the kids when sick, that would be optimal (many don't of course.)

A couple of days off in the first few weeks wouldn't sit well with any employer. You need to show them that it isn't just you who looks after the kids or there's a good chance they'll let you go.

LifeIsBusy · 10/03/2022 20:10

You both have kids... It doesn't matter but it gets split 50:50. This definitely isn't a mum or dad thing. My household has 2 mums, does that mean we're doubly covered in case one of the kids is ill 🤣🤣

HardbackWriter · 10/03/2022 20:10

I would be very interested to know exactly how the conversation goes when your DH is told he 'can't' have the time off at work.

afrikat · 10/03/2022 20:15

When my kids were younger I had condensed hours, DH dropped a few hours, so we both did 4 day weeks. Now they are slightly older we both have flexible working arrangements that cover most drop offs and pick ups, we also use breakfast and after school clubs.
Any illness etc is split 50:50. Can I ask, if a woman did your husband's job, would she also he unable to have time off for kid related emergencies? Highly doubt it. Your DH needs to understand the law.around this stuff and the company policies, and start stepping up.

crosstalk · 10/03/2022 20:17

Not helpful but I was the higher earner and my DP worked a basic 9-5 where I was working away a lot of the time. Bless him he was able to cover sickness/and all pickups.

Does your firm not have a sickness/leave/family policy? Ditto your DP? It's not great in a new job to have time off work, but it sounds ludicrous that you can't share the load. And for your DH to be told he can't take time off for children's sickness once in a while - what the hell?

Original poster
unicornanddinosaur · 10/03/2022 20:21

Sorry I should have made it clearer in my op that my husband would want to take the time off if he could. He works as a hgv driver and his hours are crazy. He is not allowed to book holiday for half of the year due to work being too busy, this is in his contract. So on the occasions that he has asked for time off for the kids he is told it is not possible because his contract says he needs to work every day during that part of the year. The one time that he did manage to get a day off (because one of the DC was in hospital and he had to look after the other) he had an email explaining that it wasn't acceptable ect.

Sorry to those I have offended with my post. And I was in no means trying to blame my husband, I just feel like in our particular circumstance every single time we need time off it falls solely on me and then my work get annoyed about it

OP posts:
Reviewer123456 · 10/03/2022 20:22

The dad of the children should be taking the time off to look after them. Not a good start taking time off in a new job after a few weeks. persistent absences could cause problems for you at work like probation reviews if you are on probation that it. Your DH needs to check the policies at his work for unpaid/emergency leave.

Original poster
unicornanddinosaur · 10/03/2022 20:22

Without being too outing my job also gives me the school holidays off. I had to take a job like that because my husbands work is so inflexible!

OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 10/03/2022 20:24

So what do they do if he's ill? Because they can do whatever that is if your child is ill.

Original poster
unicornanddinosaur · 10/03/2022 20:26

@HardbackWriter

So what do they do if he's ill? Because they can do whatever that is if your child is ill.
Luckily he hasn't been in this situation yet but even before the rules were lifted he has been told he got covid he would still be expected to go in
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/03/2022 20:26

Do they pay him well to expect that kind of dedication? Seems crazy to be allowed no time off for six months.

Can you look into a nanny rather than nursery? Can be similar price for more than one child.

Flibbertyjibberty · 10/03/2022 20:27

Yeah my husband can't take time off to be at home as his work involves being in the office and going to meetings. I work from home (editor) so it's always me who is left with sick kids. That said, they tend of pie on the sofa and watch tv, so I can still get my work done. It doesn't sound like it's an option for you? The only hope I can give is that kids seem to get sick less often as they get older! If work are being really awful about it I would call in sick myself.

A580Hojas · 10/03/2022 20:28

I work for an absolutely tiny company (a boss and 6 employees including me).

The boss and 3 of his employees are men with young children - newborns up to primary age. The employees regularly get time off to care for sick children and it's because the boss is the father of young children himself (and not the main breadwinner actually) and understands. So it can happen, it all depends on the culture of the company.

TheMoth · 10/03/2022 20:29

I think it can depend on the job. Dh did most poorly child trips cos he could be quicker and had flexi time. I often had to be reached via school office and message, then ask permission, then see if someone could cover me before I could even leave. I have been known a lot to ask whether dc are actually ill enough to need to come home. I think we'd get about one phone call a year about each kid.