Full time working moms how do you do it?!

[unicornanddinosaur]

I have two young DC both under 5. I was a stay at home mom for the first 3 years and have recently returned to full time work.
The main thing I find so difficult is when one of the DC is poorly. I'm lucky that I do have a good support system for school pick ups and drop offs but if the kids are ever ill then it's normally only me who can pick them up.
I've only been in my new job a few weeks and already have had to have a couple of days off due to DC being poorly.
On the occasions I have had to leave I have been made to feel pretty bad about it by work. I understand that I am being paid to do a job but if my kids are poorly what choice do I have but to go and collect them/look after them.
What annoys me the most is that it's never expected of dads. In my husbands job if he tells them one of the kids is poorly they just say he can't have the time off. Even when our DD was recently in the hospital.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I think I'm just annoyed that it's so different for moms and dads in terms of work. I love my kids more than anything in the world but am made to feel so guilty if I miss time off work because of 'mom duties' and yet the same pressure isn't put on dads. I just feel it's all a bit unfair

It's not harder by virtue of him having a penis. It's harder because employers still assume by default that the woman is the one who gets to leave work early when the child needs picking up/works from home or takes leave when the child is sick.

The only way that changes is by more men doing it though

Given the demand for HGV drivers, your husband could start keeping an eye out for openings at more family-friendly companies.

Hopefully things will improve - children tend to pick up a lot of bugs when they first start at nursery, so the first weeks are often the worst.

Thanks for all the comment. We will definitely look in to his tights.

Just to confirm two things: @TheKeatingFive he definitely does ask his employer, I've seen the messages and the replies. Mumsnet seems to have a thing about making out men are permanently useless or don't help but this definitely isn't the case with my DH.

@MaChienEstUnDick I would never pick up my kids for just a sniffle. The last two times I've had to pick them up have ended in hospital treatment being needed.

he definitely does ask his employer, I've seen the messages and the replies.

Well then he needs to be firmer about insisting on what he's actually entitled to. Going in armed with all the information. Best of luck.

@thepeopleversuswork

Why will it be harder just by virtue of having a penis?

It's not harder by virtue of him having a penis. It's harder because employers still assume by default that the woman is the one who gets to leave work early when the child needs picking up/works from home or takes leave when the child is sick.

I'm not saying I think this is right: I think its total patriarchal bullshit. And men need to step up on it. But it's still so rare to see male employees with children actually doing any childcare.

But that's doesn't mean its harder for men to take time off, but that they are choosing not to.

Unfortunately for you my answer is that DH has days off in the week and we equally split the time off together.

It's really difficult. My DP and I aspire to share the sick kid time equally between us and are very lucky in that we both get some paid leave for that but I get more than he does so have to do more as we can't afford to dip into unpaid leave if we don't have to (he is also using annual leave and taking that hit, which I haven't yet had to). Though of course that doesn't address how behind we get when she's off sick. Right now I'm getting by on a combination of getting what I can done in evenings and naptimes when she's ill, being grateful for understanding employers and counting the days til she's old enough to watch cartoons on the sofa unsupervised while I work. It's so shit though and I know most have it worse than me. Sorry that's not very helpful. But solidarity.

Sorry but this just isn't true

Of course it is

your husband may have been good at sharing the load and good for him but I guarantee you (without knowing anything bout him or what he does) that it is going to be harder for him to take time off than you.

Rubbish.
When mine were little, it caused a LOT of difficulty if I took time off. It certainly wasn't more difficult for my dh.

What an odd thing to say
Why would it be more difficult for him because he is a man ? Obviously there are some jobs where it would be more disruptive, but that is the job not the sex of the person.

OP From so many media reports, the country are very short of HGV drivers, which I guess is why if he "asks" then he will be told he can't take time off, so he needs to be clear about his "rights" and step up to do his share. The National shortage will mean he will most likely to be able to get another HGV job without too much issue if that causes difficulties for him.

I understand it’s hard due to the nature of your husband’s job. But it needs to be 50:50 or it doesn’t work at that age. I tried it. And I tried to get my DH to step in but he worked abroad a lot of the time.
So it really wasn’t that simple. I do wish I’d made him do more when he was around. As it was, every time the nursery would call me and I had to go and get them. It was my job that suffered and it wasn’t sustainable.

The good news is once you get through all the nursery bugs they become bulletproof at school. Mine never have a day off anymore and are never ill. But no, couldn’t do the early years in a full time job without more help from DH who wasn’t there.

But it's still so rare to see male employees with children actually doing any childcare

It's not rare in my organisation or my social circle

Why do people keep saying that it's harder for men to take time off because their employers will mind and they'll be judged at work? It makes it sound like that's not the case for women. OP's employer minds and she's being judged at work - that's her whole problem.

It's all very good saying that Ops dh needs to step up more, or find a better employer, but if he is in a truck driving all over the country, how is he supposed to get back to collect a sick child?

Maybe just turn around, drive another 2-3 hours with a full load, drop off the truck at the yard and get to the nursery about normal pickup time anyway?

@Whetheryouthinkyoucan

Please don’t assume your experience is the same as everyone else’s. You say it’s never expected of fathers- it absolutely is for some of us. My husband has taken more time off with our DC than I have.

The problem is that you aren’t shouldering the load equally.

Agree with this. My husband takes primary responsibility for last minute sickness because I am in the less flexible, higher paid role. And we do what works best for the family regardless of gender.

I think working full time with young DC and limited / no support is really hard.
I worked part time when they were little, combining two jobs , one during school hours ,the other at weekends to juggle child care. On my very first for day one of my jobs DD was sick, DH had important meeting and ended up driving an hour to drop her at my mums , i.e. 2 x 2 hour round trips, the petrol probably cost as much as I earned for my 4 hour shift. Anyway what I'm saying is that's its tough. Lots of people will have brilliant support networks and flexible understanding employers , if you don't have either of those its really hard and there's no magic wand other than looking for more flexible employment.
But I agree in these situations it is almost always the mum whose work is detrimentally impacted and its particularly hard when you return to work after being a SAHM as DH will have got used to not having to think about childcare so there's a period of adjustment where you have to fight your corner, although if DH is a lorry driver clearly emergency school pick ups are not usually going to be possible for him. If I have to leave for childcare reasons, I either take annual leave, make up my hours at another time or take work home.