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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Full time working moms how do you do it?!

89 replies

unicornanddinosaur · 10/03/2022 19:47

I have two young DC both under 5. I was a stay at home mom for the first 3 years and have recently returned to full time work.
The main thing I find so difficult is when one of the DC is poorly. I'm lucky that I do have a good support system for school pick ups and drop offs but if the kids are ever ill then it's normally only me who can pick them up.
I've only been in my new job a few weeks and already have had to have a couple of days off due to DC being poorly.
On the occasions I have had to leave I have been made to feel pretty bad about it by work. I understand that I am being paid to do a job but if my kids are poorly what choice do I have but to go and collect them/look after them.
What annoys me the most is that it's never expected of dads. In my husbands job if he tells them one of the kids is poorly they just say he can't have the time off. Even when our DD was recently in the hospital.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I think I'm just annoyed that it's so different for moms and dads in terms of work. I love my kids more than anything in the world but am made to feel so guilty if I miss time off work because of 'mom duties' and yet the same pressure isn't put on dads. I just feel it's all a bit unfair

OP posts:
InTheNightWeWillWish · 11/03/2022 07:28

@Unpopular37

Are you American?
Because OP used ‘mom’? You know that places in the U.K. use ‘mom’ right? It’s not just an American terminology. OP could also live in an area that uses ‘mum’ but have American ancestry and wanted to continue with that name. Given that OP uses ‘HGV driver’ instead of ‘truck driver’ and ‘nursery’ instead of ‘daycare’, it does indicate that is probably based in the U.K. but you’d probably have to actually read the thread rather than jump to conclusions to work that out. Even if the OP is American, the laws might be different but the fact that her husband should be sharing the load wouldn’t be. Or the discussion for how couples when one person can’t take leave at short notice work it.
Lazypuppy · 11/03/2022 07:30

I have family who can help.so if DD is ill and needs picking up early from nursery, my mum will pick her up and look after her, while me and DH sort out who is taking the next day off is needed, but more often than not my mum will have her.

You say you have a support network, why aren't they helping?

Middersweekly · 11/03/2022 07:35

I do sympathize OP as I worked FT with young children also but due to the nature of my job it was highly unlikely that I could just leave to pick up DC as I had people relying on me to be there! DH could do his job remotely if necessary so he was the obvious choice for the school to contact. I think your DH should definitely look at changing Jobs if the responsibilities cannot at least be shared between you.

PonyPatter44 · 11/03/2022 07:54

The problem we had when my DD was small was that I worked 20 mins by car from school, but exH worked 1 hr+ away, and travelled by train. If they called him to come and collect, it would be nearly 2 hours by the time he'd handed over work, got back to the station, waited for a slower-running off-peak train... so it fell to me by default. I definitely felt resentful.

Youally · 11/03/2022 07:58

Single parent

I made it very very clear to the children and the school I wouldn’t be collecting for anything other than injuries or actually being unwell.

Was very strict that if children were ill they stayed in bed, no electronics, no TV and just books for the day. Weirdly, none of them were ever that ill

Stop picking your kids up for a sniffly nose or a headache and tell your husband to help

twinsetandpearl · 11/03/2022 07:59

I don't totally disagree but don't totally agree either but your experience isn't the same as everyone it's very specific to your specific family set up and and careers you both do - many women are still entrenched in traditional female roles - ie low paid, local, often shorter hours and part time. Whilst their partners may have the commute, long hours, jobs which are hard to just drop to go and collect sick children/stay home.
I happen to be the main earner with a job that takes me anywhere in the country but I am able to WFH if kids are sick and I get sick pay. DH works round corner and can and does collect when kids are poorly but he doesn't get sick pay nor can he WFH

Stompythedinosaur · 11/03/2022 08:03

I just don't except it is impossible for any parent to take time off for sick kids. What if he was a single parent? I think he needs to join a union and be clear about his legal rights.

Like most working parents, we alternate days off for sick kids.

Weekendtobegin · 11/03/2022 08:09

I reckon that a lot of dads/husbands on mumsnet work in cushy office jobs.

It isn't so easy in some industries to get time off.

My husband works away a lot, he works all over the country. It isn't easy just to nip off to collect a sick child.

Even though in theory he's entitled to the same statutory rights as everyone else, work is arranged to go where the work is. If he doesn't turn up to arranges jobs then customers will go elsewhere.

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/03/2022 08:09

I think there's a couple of things - firstly, the start of nursery/school for kids who have previously been at home is hellish, they're like little germ factories. That does get better though.

Two, hopefully as you prove yourself your work will become more trusting/flexible with you. It's worth putting extra effort in (where possible/without killing yourself) to make this happen more quickly. A lot of this is due to timing.

Three, mums doing the cover is certainly not the norm, as this thread has shown. My DH had the 'big' job when DS was little and did more than me because his seniority gave him flexibility.

I wouldn't let my DH stay in a job where someone said he had to come in if he had Covid! He does need to move.

Finally there is something about not letting the kids take the day off for every tiny sniffle. I appreciate that's a bit difficult in Covid times.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/03/2022 08:16

Here you go OP

Every employee has statutory rights to emergency leave for dependents. DH's employers are breaking the law if they do not allow this.

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Citabell · 11/03/2022 08:17

@Weekendtobegin

I reckon that a lot of dads/husbands on mumsnet work in cushy office jobs.

It isn't so easy in some industries to get time off.

My husband works away a lot, he works all over the country. It isn't easy just to nip off to collect a sick child.

Even though in theory he's entitled to the same statutory rights as everyone else, work is arranged to go where the work is. If he doesn't turn up to arranges jobs then customers will go elsewhere.

But women manage, do you think we all have cushy office jobs?

Your husband may have been good at sharing the load and good for him but I guarantee you (without knowing anything bout him or what he does) that it is going to be harder for him to take time off than you

Why will it be harder just by virtue of having a penis? If you mean men are more likely to choose jobs that aren't as flexible then perhaps (the fact women often leave these jobs once they have children as they are unmanageable with a family but men often don't is another matter), but in what way does the law and employers guidance stipulate women have different policies in place? If they do I suggest the men take their employers to the cleaners for discrimination. I suspect what you mean is that men tend to be less open to disrupting their careers with pesky things such as looking after poorly children.

BurntO · 11/03/2022 08:21

Your OH needs to do his share. His kids come before work, no? I’m not sure why you’re saying he can’t. He 100% can

Weekendtobegin · 11/03/2022 08:26

@Citabell judging by the amount on here that can wfh a lot do, yes.

But on the whole I think people (men and women) manage because they either have flexible jobs or a lot of help from friends/family.

Onlinetherapist · 11/03/2022 08:30

My son has been very poorly for around 9 months now. My employers have been very unsupportive indeed. My husband’s employer’s however have been fantastic. But this has meant that my husband has done the lion’s share of care.

MinimumChips · 11/03/2022 08:37

The way we manage is my husband does 50% of everything. I think your husbands job isn’t really compatible with family life, especially if both of you are working. That’s the issue. Most men I know in our peer group (white collar jobs - mostly lawyers, uni lecturers, public servants; the mums all have similar jobs) split time off with their female partners if their child is sick. We all tend to juggle work a bit and catch up in the evening if we have to take unexpected time off. I think that’s fairly typical for most working parents.

Jvg33 · 11/03/2022 08:50

@HardbackWriter

I would be very interested to know exactly how the conversation goes when your DH is told he 'can't' have the time off at work.
I wonder the same. Bet your DH never actually asks! Tell him it's 50:50 split from now on and that's that. If you have had Wednesday off, he had Thursday off. Don't wait for answer and don't ask him if it's okay.
TheKeatingFive · 11/03/2022 09:06

Why is it that you can have the time off but he can't?

We all know that's bollocks. He needs to step up and do his fair share.

Onlyforcake · 11/03/2022 09:13

It's tricky, to the point of impossible but this is why so many families have to put that aside and bit the bullet with someone being part time or not working. Your H needs to tackle his employer better (o'r more likely stop telling porkies about his oh so important need to be at work - employers like that don't retain staff for a reason)

HardbackWriter · 11/03/2022 09:56

@PonyPatter44

The problem we had when my DD was small was that I worked 20 mins by car from school, but exH worked 1 hr+ away, and travelled by train. If they called him to come and collect, it would be nearly 2 hours by the time he'd handed over work, got back to the station, waited for a slower-running off-peak train... so it fell to me by default. I definitely felt resentful.
We have the same - so he takes more of the days off when we know from the morning that someone needs to be off than I do, because it's always me if someone has to duck out during the day (though I was previously told on MN that I was very unreasonable for this because he's a teacher so I should prioritize other people's children's education over my job... Hmm). We do also both work four days a week which helps enormously because we're trying to cover 3 days a week of potential illness between us rather than 5, but I realise that isn't possible for many people.
theruffles · 11/03/2022 10:14

I work f/t 5 days compressed into 4, so I get one day off in the week. My DH works p/t but mostly at weekends and he does the bulk of the childcare in the week. I'm WFH at the moment and my employer is quite flexible about things like school drop-offs, etc but I'll soon have to go back to the office. I'll be doing 2 days at home and 2 in the office then. We're lucky in having willing and retired grandparents who live close by who will help out with childcare.

ChoiceMummy · 11/03/2022 12:01

@unicornanddinosaur
As an employee your husband is allowed time off to deal with an emergency involving a dependant.

A dependant could be a spouse, partner, child, grandchild, parent, or someone who depends on him for care.

His contract restricting annual leave, that is legal, does not negate his legal rights to dependency leave in these circumstances. As such, he should, in the next occasion formally tell them, he's taking this legal right, for that day and the arrange care for subsequent days as that would be viewed reasonable. He cannot be penalised for this time off. But it will be a difficult ride at the time.
Given how I'm demand hgv drivers are, I'd suggest looking elsewhere and if pushed tell work he is doing so due to them not following the letter of the law

Cheesechips · 11/03/2022 12:08

I work full time, only 1 child (22 months). You really need to both pitch in with sickness etc as the slack can't just be on one parent. It's doable if you both work as a team.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/03/2022 12:15

Your work will get fed up if it’s only you off. They reasonably expect 50/50 if 2 parents. He’s hgv driver so it’s difficult but not impossible. He’s in demand, could easily get another job and presumably worked there a while. You are presumably in a probation period. Your work are saying to you you shouldn’t go just like his are. What does he suggest? I accept he can’t pick up from school if he’s in Aberdeen in his truck and you are in midlands but for the next day he tells boss he can’t work and you go in.
Do you have any family or friends who would help. Obviously really ill they need a parent but in some cases they’d be ok lying on aunties sofa etc.

YingMei · 11/03/2022 15:08

I do it by being allowed to work from home and having a very family friendly employer who is flexible about hours. If something stops me from doing my usual hours (like a sick child) I would do these in the eve instead. If a dc is sick but will watch tv and chill on the sofa I work alongside them. If they are sick enough to need more attention than that, then we do what a pp mentioned and DH and I both work half a day then look after the kid the other half day.
It is a tricky balance act, particularly so if you have to work out the house most of the time

thepeopleversuswork · 11/03/2022 15:14

Why will it be harder just by virtue of having a penis?

It's not harder by virtue of him having a penis. It's harder because employers still assume by default that the woman is the one who gets to leave work early when the child needs picking up/works from home or takes leave when the child is sick.

I'm not saying I think this is right: I think its total patriarchal bullshit. And men need to step up on it. But it's still so rare to see male employees with children actually doing any childcare.