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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Full time working moms how do you do it?!

89 replies

unicornanddinosaur · 10/03/2022 19:47

I have two young DC both under 5. I was a stay at home mom for the first 3 years and have recently returned to full time work.
The main thing I find so difficult is when one of the DC is poorly. I'm lucky that I do have a good support system for school pick ups and drop offs but if the kids are ever ill then it's normally only me who can pick them up.
I've only been in my new job a few weeks and already have had to have a couple of days off due to DC being poorly.
On the occasions I have had to leave I have been made to feel pretty bad about it by work. I understand that I am being paid to do a job but if my kids are poorly what choice do I have but to go and collect them/look after them.
What annoys me the most is that it's never expected of dads. In my husbands job if he tells them one of the kids is poorly they just say he can't have the time off. Even when our DD was recently in the hospital.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I think I'm just annoyed that it's so different for moms and dads in terms of work. I love my kids more than anything in the world but am made to feel so guilty if I miss time off work because of 'mom duties' and yet the same pressure isn't put on dads. I just feel it's all a bit unfair

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornanddinosaur · 10/03/2022 20:29

@Flibbertyjibberty

Yeah my husband can't take time off to be at home as his work involves being in the office and going to meetings. I work from home (editor) so it's always me who is left with sick kids. That said, they tend of pie on the sofa and watch tv, so I can still get my work done. It doesn't sound like it's an option for you? The only hope I can give is that kids seem to get sick less often as they get older! If work are being really awful about it I would call in sick myself.
Yeah I'm hoping it does get easier once they are older! I think the main problem is that one has just started school and the other has started nursery so we seem to have had non stop bugs since September! Hopefully their immune systems will be a bit stronger soon
OP posts:
MabelsApron · 10/03/2022 20:40

The women I work with ask questions like this. The answer is that you have to insist that your DH does some of it. There’s no reason why he can’t, his job isn’t different because he’s a man. Plus, you’re vulnerable having started a new job so need to be making a good impression. He needs to be stepping up even more.

Ultimately things won’t change if women don’t expect and demand more of their husbands.

It drives me mad that the women I work with are constantly taking time off, saying their husbands are too important, and I do think it’s unfair that only one employer in the couple is having to put up with this.

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/03/2022 21:01

My DH and I are qual partners so we share the parenting, housework etc. if the kids are sick we compare diaries to decide who is best on a given day to look after them.

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/03/2022 21:02

To add your DH has statutory rights to emergency leave for dependents. He needs to assert himself.

welshladywhois40 · 10/03/2022 21:05

I work full time with a 1 and 3 year old. 1 year old has had fevers every week for the last 4 weeks.

Tried to hire a temporary nanny so he could have a break from nursery germs to recover and found no one wanted the job...

We manage by sharing the load. My partner and I work out who can take the time off and if he has to stay off nursery we split the day and work in the evening.

I feel lucky to have a good manager but I have worked for him for a long time so feel I have built up goodwill which must be hard in a new job.

Also assuming for your youngest he too is suffering what my youngest is which is exposure to new nursery germs - it willnget better

Bringsexyback · 10/03/2022 21:22

The men in my office are equally able to request time off if their children are sick and will regularly start an hour early and pick up the children from Nursery if required to leave early.

pitterpatterrain · 10/03/2022 21:25

@MajorCarolDanvers

To add your DH has statutory rights to emergency leave for dependents. He needs to assert himself.
This is likely the discussion that (uncomfortably) needs to happen

I had (naively?) understood that HGV drivers were in demand - is it feasible for him to find a more flexible employer?

Agreed it can be tough - and as PP mentioned sometimes it’s just hard for one parent to drop and run so the other has to - and sometimes it works out roughly evenly, and sometimes it doesn’t - the key thing is that makes it workable is an employer that isn’t actively resisting and being able to have a discussion as a team about how you triage it

I don’t believe “everyone” expects dad’s to keep on manning the coal face with mums doing all the sick children legwork, but it certainly could feel like that in many situations

Applesarenice · 10/03/2022 21:26

Your husbands work can’t say no! What if he was a single parent? Sounds like he’s the one saying no to helping

Waferbiscuit · 10/03/2022 21:33

Single parent here. Just use annual leave. I get over 30 days a year and that's the buffer I need.

Better to use it this way vs throwing it all towards a holiday and being in a bind when u need to take time off!!

user1487194234 · 11/03/2022 03:42

My DH and I shared the responsibility of taking time off equally
I get really irritated when women at work always want the time off ,as their husbands' jobs are so much more important

Camomila · 11/03/2022 06:35

Like PP my husband and I share the time off when one of the DC is ill.

Citabell · 11/03/2022 06:43

Theres a chronic shortage of HGV drivers, why doesn't he find a job that doesn't sound epically shite in terms of his rights? If he doesn't start asserting himself or finding a solution then yes you'll probably find yourself in hot water eventually where you've had so much time off.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 11/03/2022 06:44

Are you able to do your work from home? I understand that it depends very much on the type of job that you do.

In these circumstances, I collect poorly child and get them home and settled into bed or in front of CBeeBees. Then get on with my work and maybe also more in the evening if needed. That way, even if my employer is not thrilled about me leaving early, at least I can show that the work is done.

HoppingPavlova · 11/03/2022 06:51

I find this incredulous. Your DH employer has put in writing to him that they will not abide by statutory laws, and that he was to attend work with a positive Covid result. Either that person is as thick as a plank or they are completely relying on your DH being a wet lettuce, which he seemingly has been.

Unpopular37 · 11/03/2022 06:52

Are you American?

RoyKent · 11/03/2022 06:54

One parent family-full time teacher so no flexibility in term time. Have to take the L and use a day's pay if DD is ill or the childminder is closed. Thankfully my sister is flexible and can often come to the rescue. My poor mum has used all her annual leave to cover the childminders holidays.

ChiselandBits · 11/03/2022 06:55

Clearly people are reading the OPs updates. @MabelsApron her husbands boss is the issue. Not him. @waferbiscuit, rs not allowed annual leave during certain times. This is an employment law issue for the husbands company. It doesn't matter what any of us do, or what our companies allow, other than to help the op understand its not always the default approach for the woman to take the hit now. OP, your husband needs to find the right bits of employment legislation and show them to his firm. Or look elsewhere.. As a pp said, hgv drivers are in demand.

ChiselandBits · 11/03/2022 06:56

Aren't reading!!!

MargosKaftan · 11/03/2022 07:05

Your DH has to move employers, theres a national shortage of drivers so he can move to someone more family friendly. Or go to his boss and say now you are both working full time, he needs to step up for half of all problems like sick kids and will be looking to move to a more flexible, family friendly employer.

DaveGrohl · 11/03/2022 07:09

My DH and I share everything child related. For hospital appointments known in advance he books annual leave.

maddening · 11/03/2022 07:17

Me and my husband used to take it is turns, however we only jave 1 dc so probably less occurances. My parents have helped a couple of times when desperate.

However dh has fully wfh for 4 years and i have had a flexible option to wfh since 2018, and also since ds was a little older, it has been easier to tuck him on the sofa with the TV. And now I have hybrid working on a flexible basis (and office space at home too) so it is all much easier

Cherryana · 11/03/2022 07:18

I found working full time with young children the absolute hardest time. I know lots of posters have said but the only way we cope and still cope is that my DH has a flexible job.

You have to have a plan regarding illness and childcare - and it may cost you more than you earn for a while.

Working with children has stressful situations.

Original poster
unicornanddinosaur · 11/03/2022 07:23

@ChiselandBits

Clearly people are reading the OPs updates. *@MabelsApron her husbands boss is the issue. Not him. @waferbiscuit*, rs not allowed annual leave during certain times. This is an employment law issue for the husbands company. It doesn't matter what any of us do, or what our companies allow, other than to help the op understand its not always the default approach for the woman to take the hit now. OP, your husband needs to find the right bits of employment legislation and show them to his firm. Or look elsewhere.. As a pp said, hgv drivers are in demand.
Thank you for understanding the predicament! DH definitely needs to look at his contract or possibly look at moving jobs. I understand from this thread that it's not always down to women to take the burden of time off so at least that gives me hope that if he can find another driving job things may be split more equally.
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 11/03/2022 07:28

@Whetheryouthinkyoucan

Please don’t assume your experience is the same as everyone else’s. You say it’s never expected of fathers- it absolutely is for some of us. My husband has taken more time off with our DC than I have.

The problem is that you aren’t shouldering the load equally.

Sorry but this just isn't true.

Your husband may have been good at sharing the load and good for him but I guarantee you (without knowing anything bout him or what he does) that it is going to be harder for him to take time off than you.

niceupthedanceagain · 11/03/2022 07:28

I was a single parent so I just said I was ill. Luckily I was at uni until DS went to school so he'd had most of the common illnesses by reception year.