I want to stay like this forever

[easysundaymorning]

I need everyone to tell me how unreasonable I'm being and make me feel better about returning to work after the most incredible 17 month maternity leave. I feel like my heart is breaking in two.

I love being at home. I love my little boy. I don't feel like I need a break from him, and I don't feel in any capacity ready to return to work. I still feed him to sleep, he still wakes a lot in the night, he's quite little and I just dread the thought of him going to nursery three days a week as of next month.

The only thing getting me through is that we are going to start TTC so hopefully by end of the year I'll be off again for another year. I have to go back to get the maternity leave and benefits my work provide.

Please tell me I'll be fine once I'm back and all the positives I'm almost definitely missing about returning to work? Maternity has gone so quickly and I have honestly loved every second of it. We are so settled in to our routine and way of life. I'm so sad it's nearly over

If you're TTC you hopefully won't have long at work- just style it out for a few months and then you can have another amazing few months off again.

Wishing you luck!

I felt like this so much. I'm the higher earner on 32k. No enhanced maternity pay, only statutory and I still stretched it out to 15 months by penny pinching plus sticking a few bits on the credit card! By the end of 15 months I didn't want to go back at all but I had to.

I felt my heart was breaking going back to work. I won't be having another baby so decided to go back 3 days and carry on with a tight budget. We have no one to help with childcare so it was nursery or childminder and the only childminder I liked was full.

Things that helped- explored lots of childcare providers to make sure we were totally confident with where our little one would be spending time.

-did settling in sessions and built up slowly. We started these before I went back to work.

• on my first 3 weeks back I worked shorter days. I was literally watching the clock and running to nursery at 3pm. I made the time back up at weekends.

-my manager was super supportive and I was very honest. My little boy was very poorly when born. He was rushed to NICU and it was a very scary time. There was limited contact as it was during the first weeks of lockdown. From this point until nursery I had only left him with his dad for no more than an hour or 2. The thought of him being cared for by childcare staff retriggered the trauma of him being cared for by nurses in NICU and I had to seek PTSD counselling. My employer were fully aware and I attended in work time.

• I rang to check on him a million times in the first couple of weeks. Occasionally crying. The nursery were lovely and said loads of people struggle.

-it took me months to settle back in properly at work and even now, 8 months later I don't enjoy work like I used to but my little boy loves his nursery and I think the balance is right overall.

Good luck!

@ Kanaloa

When I worked in childcare in baby rooms that was the first thing I always taught apprentices! It’s brought back lovely memories. I would always tell the parent ‘ooh I THINK he might be about to walk, he seems really really close now!’ Even if the child had walked that day. It’s a special moment the parent should have so they can say ‘she took her first steps at home tonight!

I love it....I always heard..."and I'll miss my babies first steps, first crawl...first tooth..."
and I always thought no you won't.

😂

It’s the little things. I do miss it when I hear things like that!

@Kanaloa

😂

It’s the little things. I do miss it when I hear things like that!

@Kanaloa... I miss it too... I had my own daycare in my home and the kids were going to preschool. Except 2 a brother(9 mo) and a sister (3)

It was easier for me just to go over to their home. I moved to Florida and I eventually lost contact with them ( 11 years ago) ...life just got in the way.
But I remember how much I loved both daycare and Nanny.. I get a twinge once in awhile for them.

@Tonkerbea

You've been very lucky, count your blessings. Returning to work will be a shock at first, but you'll adjust.

I got three days off !!! Set up my own limited company so it just worked out badly timings wise

With my first child it was 8 months off
Most of my colleagues took 12 -15 months and had such pity for me lol

Yoh have been so lucky and it is totally understandable how you feel!! Going back may do yoh both the world of good ??!

Anyway best of luck
Sounds like a lovely mat leave - so very envious xxxx

OP, your little one will be okay in terms of sleep when you're not around, I have a 2yro and she breastfeeds to sleep but if I'm not around she'll sleep just fine. If you want to continue breastfeeding you'll be good to do that too; your supply is very well established now and will adapt accordingly when you're working. It is a lovely way to reconnect after a day apart.

I only worked part time until mine when to High school
I would never have given up my career
I chose an excellent nursery
I felt no 'mummy guilt'
Don't think my husband did either

I returned to work after six weeks with both of my babies and both were caesareans. It meant though that when one of my children needed surgery that was not covered by the public system he could be flown abroad to have it done by an experienced surgeon (this was not a cut-price option).

When one of my children got admitted into medical school as a post graduate, we were able to support him living in a different city, paying his rent, food, transport and university fees. One of my children had some additional needs and there was no difficulty about paying for occupational therapy sessions or specialist paediatricians' appointments. One of them got to travel round Japan and other parts of Asia- which we paid for. If they needed extra tutoring they got it and so on.

We paid off our mortgage years ago and we live in a leafy suburb in a large detached house.

We had a nanny for each of them for the first year and then they went into a crèche - not in the UK here and our children don't go to school until they are five. Ours both liked the crèche so much that they didn't want to come home sometimes.

I work now because I want to work because I could afford to retire. My returning to work after having children made all these sorts of things possible. Children often need you more as young adults than they do as toddlers.

Those that don’t go back to work…I mean how? Are your husbands high earners? Or do you just live with really frugally? I don’t think I could hack the latter, I need treats in life- holidays, nice clothes/makeup, meals out etc.I’d be miserable without those things and getting to spend day in day without my my baby wouldn’t negate that

@LuckySantangelo35
Yes, this was exactly my point. You would not be happy living like this, so your child might not be happy. Therefore working for a better lifestyle would be the better option for you and child.
My husband earned less than me and yes we were skint! I didn’t care at all and was so happy being able to be at home, so again best for me and child.
I respect a parent who says that they like their lifestyle and wouldn’t want to make any financial sacrifices and I respect a parent who chooses poverty for a few years in order to be at home.
The issue is a parent who wants to be at home but thinks there isn’t a choice. There’s always a choice, but it’s never easy.

I’d choose a nanny over nursery every time if you can afford it. Much more consistent for your little one, better for their attachment and you might find it easier knowing he’s being looked after by one person consistently and following a similar routine to what you had with him. If you’re wfh at all you can also see him for lunch/ coffee breaks which might make this easier on both of you

There are also specialist coaches who work with mums going back to work after mat leave - might be worth looking them up and booking a session or two to help you navigate the change positively

I kind of felt not ready to go back and after my first day I came home in tears.
Few weeks later I couldn't wait to go to work 😂 it's just a different phase of life.

@Newbie44 you’re absolutely right! I have tons of respect for parents who go without and are skint in order to have a stay at home parent. As I know I couldn’t do it. I’d be miserable. I enjoy stuff like holidays too much. Maybe I’m just too selfish! 🤷‍♀️

Not selfish at all @LuckySantangelo35, you said you would be miserable having to go without. You may have even resented your child. You wouldn’t be the best parent you could be if you were miserable, so you’ve made the right decision for you and therefore your family 😊 We’re all different!

@Newbie44 we are! Out of interest was your partner ok with the situation? I just cannot imagine mine working full time and then not really seeing much of the money he was earning in terms of treats and luxuries etc, forgoing those things in order for me to stay at home, he’d think what was he working for! Life would seem to him a drudge of going to work, come home, sleep, repeat

Yes my DH might have gone along with it but it wouldn't have been fair

@easysundaymorning

Thanks so much everyone.

Can you tell me how a Nanny works? Would they be based at my house or theirs? Why do some people think this is a better option for my situation than nursery? It's not something I've considered at all! Keen to find out more.

In our experience looking into a nanny, they'll usually base themselves in your house. Some will want to live in, others will be happy to just come to your house and work from the house. The option of a nanny was the only way I was going to be able to go back to work after pregnancy- I need to leave my house by 6am in the mornings and am often not back until 6/7pm. The nannies we spoke to were lovely, and it seemed like my baby would get very much the same care as I would provide myself, with trips to baby clubs etc. Most said that they would do basic household chores, and most had really good qualifications. The price is justifiably higher than nursery fees. Prices we were given were about £800 a week though, I understand this is partially because of the early starts and late finishes.

The only negative that we found was that most who we spoke with didn't want the added responsibility of getting older DD to school, or didn't want to deal with the large dog we have but otherwise it would've been the perfect solution for us.

Good question @LuckySantangelo35
He was worried about how we would manage bills etc more so than losing treats. At that time he was a member of a golf club and we enjoyed meals out and holidays abroad. With a baby, the golf kind of fizzled out due to lack of time, and our holidays changed to cheap camping. I didn’t, and still don’t, buy lots of clothes, make up, have hair done or drink or smoke so I guess I felt I would have been working and missing my baby for no reason at all.
He saw how miserable I was and was happy to be the main earner for the time being. He also felt fortunate that his own mum stayed at home with him and his siblings so perhaps understood more? I did tutor at night when I could for extra money and as I said, hardly spent a thing. Perhaps life was all work, sleep and eat but we had two beautiful children to enjoy and it literally flew by until I was in a position to start earning again.
I went back to work part time, and I am lucky that my earnings as a part time teacher are pretty good.
Fast forward 25 years. My husband had slogged in a factory for 40 years including all those years when I was at home, and was beginning to hate it. I hated seeing him so miserable. Now it was my turn to step up if you like. I did the sums and we decided we could draw down his very small pension pot at £500 a month for the next few years until he reaches state pension age. So, at 57 his salary went from £1800 to £500. We stopped his ISA and pension contributions, upped what our grown up children pay in rent and I took on extra tuition, as well as reducing takeaways etc. He also does a few hours driving as he loves it. I was quite prepared to go without again for his quality of life.
My point is, it shouldn’t be fair or not fair. We’re a team. He supported me when I needed him (emotionally I mean, but yes financially too) and now I’m supporting him by being the main earner (he loves his driving job though so is earning more than we’d planned for) We love our days off together, going for walks (free) life’s so short.
I guess we’re lucky, but lots of money has never been important to me. Yes the bills need paying, and with the current situation in the UK I may take on some more hours, or dh may fancy some more driving. That’s what teamwork is about surely.
Sorry to hijack OPs original question. As always, if you are happy that means your child will be ok (seems a nanny may be a great compromise to start with)

If you enjoy small children and have to work then maybe consider a different career? You still would have time away from your children but the work might feel relatively more rewarding. OR look at changes to enable a different lifestyle for your family for a few years.

I felt the same when I had to go back after my first child, he was just over 1 at the time and it broke my heart! But he's 10 now and you do just cope with the transition. Give it a few weeks and you'll feel less anxious.

I would also suggest a nanny. I know everyone is different but after being off for 13 months with my little boy I felt anxious about about him going to nursery. He was either picking up on my worry or just wasn’t ready to go into a group environment because he just couldn’t settle (tried for 2.5 months) so we started with a nanny three days a week. I work from home mostly so I get to see him (briefly) throughout the day and given that he is better 121 he has been happier too. We are due our second child soon so when our first is ready to transition to preschool we will (hopefully) have our nanny still in place, providing that consistency for us as a family and also giving the baby a chance to spend some time with our nanny before I go back to work a second time. Good luck x

I have no helpful advice as I wasn’t working when I had my DC but I recently found out that in the US they have ZERO Maternity Leave! If you’re really lucky, you’ll get two weeks off but that’s always unpaid. I was astounded.
I’m not mentioning this to imply you should be somehow grateful, I just wanted people reading this who didn’t know, to be aware of how fortunate we are in that respect, in this country.
Can you imagine having to go back to work with your new baby less than two weeks old!? Heartbreaking and inhumane

How re you OP? I am in your position now and I'm weeping at the thought of no more maternity leave and precious times with my babies 😩