Page 4 | I want to stay like this forever

Letsbekindplease · 10/03/2022 21:43

I felt like this. Was off for 11 months. 11 wonderful months. I dreaded going back but I only work 3 days. 3 long 12.5 hour days, but I get 8 days off in a row a month the way my rota works out.
I’m so glad you’ve had such a nice time off. Was lovely to read your opening post. Sometimes it’s nice to get back to work and have something for yourself. Won’t be long until you’re off again hopefully

user1506328491 · 10/03/2022 21:44

Not sure a nanny would be affordable on your earnings? 70k pro rata-ed to 3 days a a week (unless I misunderstood?)+40k wouldn't get a nanny around here, as you have their salary plus tax, holiday pay, potential for mat pay etc

sjxoxo · 10/03/2022 21:45

I’m on mat leave with baby boy, until April next year- I have 16 weeks full pay and then I took 12 months sabbatical on top. Already I am dreading going back.. he’s only 8 weeks old and I can’t imagine him spending a full day with a load of people we/he doesn’t know. I don’t know what I’ll do when the time comes round but these threads always terrify me! Hardly anyone says they want to go back to work really.. I wonder if we didn’t have to, what choices would we have all made. It’s so hard! I agree with all the positives though.. doesn’t make it any easier xx

Normando91 · 10/03/2022 21:46

I know exactly how you’re feeling. I go back on Monday after 15 months off 😭 I’m absolutely dreading leaving my baby boy, though I know he will be in great care with his granny, it just feels so unfair to not be able to spend every single minute with him anymore.
I suppose it will make evenings and weekends that much more special, but I’d still just rather stay in my little maternity bubble forever 💔😂

BitterTits · 10/03/2022 21:48

You've been very, very privileged to have that long off work. Appreciate that and have some consideration for women who are the main earners.

Newmumatlast · 10/03/2022 21:50

@easysundaymorning

I need everyone to tell me how unreasonable I'm being and make me feel better about returning to work after the most incredible 17 month maternity leave. I feel like my heart is breaking in two.

I love being at home. I love my little boy. I don't feel like I need a break from him, and I don't feel in any capacity ready to return to work. I still feed him to sleep, he still wakes a lot in the night, he's quite little and I just dread the thought of him going to nursery three days a week as of next month.

The only thing getting me through is that we are going to start TTC so hopefully by end of the year I'll be off again for another year. I have to go back to get the maternity leave and benefits my work provide.

Please tell me I'll be fine once I'm back and all the positives I'm almost definitely missing about returning to work? Maternity has gone so quickly and I have honestly loved every second of it. We are so settled in to our routine and way of life. I'm so sad it's nearly over

The people I know who struggled the most going back are people who had long maternity leaves. I think because you get really used to your new circumstances and it becomes normal life so the change is harder. Your child really will be fine going to nursery and you wont be back at work long likely. It will be fine x

marymay62 · 10/03/2022 21:50

Well you’re very fortunate to have had all that time off and how wonderful for you all , I loved being at home with my two until they were at school . I always knew I would want to so we planned accordingly and bought a modest house in a modest area . Can’t regret it but it certainly had an impact on my career and earnings . It’s maybe a need to go back to work now but it has been a choice at some point in the past! I think you””ll be fine and your little one will love nursery ! It will be a win win in the end and you can have a wonderful time off with your next baby . Either that or sell up and downsize !

carbibarbie · 10/03/2022 21:50

Could you delay returning to work by a few months? Or could you stagger going back, say, one day a week then two days and then to three? I am 100% with you, I had my son in 2019 and my maternity never ended because lockdowns happened and, as a teacher, even when lockdowns ended, they wanted me to stay at home as I was pregnant again. So in June, I will return after essentially 3 years off (some wfh bits here and there), and I am just despairing at the thought of leaving my little boy who is so sensitive and gentle. He's never been in childcare so I think he will be eaten alive 😭 Howveer, I've agreed to go back two days temporarily and will build up to three.

user1506328491 · 10/03/2022 21:52

@carbibarbie

Could you delay returning to work by a few months? Or could you stagger going back, say, one day a week then two days and then to three? I am 100% with you, I had my son in 2019 and my maternity never ended because lockdowns happened and, as a teacher, even when lockdowns ended, they wanted me to stay at home as I was pregnant again. So in June, I will return after essentially 3 years off (some wfh bits here and there), and I am just despairing at the thought of leaving my little boy who is so sensitive and gentle. He's never been in childcare so I think he will be eaten alive 😭 Howveer, I've agreed to go back two days temporarily and will build up to three.

Did they pay you for those 3 years?

carbibarbie · 10/03/2022 21:54

@user1506328491 I got paid normal teacher maternity leave for both children. Then when wfh for the year in between maternity leaves I worked 3 days doing lesson planning for various year groups and pre recorded live lessons split over a week (basically evenings when the babies were asleep) so got paid my 3 days then, yes. V lucky. It was all the Covid hype timing wise that stood in my favour.

carbibarbie · 10/03/2022 21:56

( also school holiday timings worked in my favour, somehow it just worked out like that)

Abouttimemum · 10/03/2022 21:56

Hey OP, I know how you feel,
I had 16 months off (mixture of great mat leave, unpaid, a load of annual leave that they let me carry over due to illness and also returning during a pandemic with no childcare so they basically just let me stay ‘off’ - wonderful I know)

Anyway I digress, but DS had no settling in period at nursery, and I was terrified about him going, and quite honestly had no motivation for or desire to be at work. It has had ups and downs but it’s honestly been amazing for him. He’s almost 3 now and I’m so glad we managed to get through those first few months. He’s got loads of friends now and has spent the past few months going to loads of post pandemic birthday parties. It’s so lovely.

Work wise, I’m still not all that fussed about being there, would much rather be at home full time with DS, but honestly it is good for me, and it’s a nice balance where I get 3 days at work and some time at home with DS. When he leaves for nursery now making a nice hot brew and nice breakfast is defo a lovely luxury I look forward to!
Best of luck!

Silvershroud · 10/03/2022 22:03

How many people born into millionaire families decide to go to an office 9-5, 5 days a week working for someone else because of an innate work ethic? I can't think of any. Unless it is a very high prestige job which furthers their own interests, like a lot of MPs.

Changechangychange · 10/03/2022 22:04

I loved my maternity leave and cried all the way home on DS’s first day at nursery. But we soon got into the swing of things, and DS really loved his nursery (and did stuff I would never have down with him - his first nursery had pet chickens FFS, we don’t even have a garden).

Go part time if you can - I did 3 days a week compressed hours, so 80% FTE (I’m a doctor, some of that was on call/out of hours work). I kept BFing until he was 2. Those two days a week at home gave me time to take DS swimming, to Hartbeeps, to do our picnics in the park, etc.

If you are TTCing already, you might only need to go back for 9 months, which will go really quickly. Maybe even only 8 months if you go off at 36 weeks.

Changechangychange · 10/03/2022 22:11

He's never been in childcare so I think he will be eaten alive

You just need to pick your nursery. Some are like Lord of the Flies, but we found an incredible lovey dovey hippy one. Vegan food, yoga, forest school, “gentle parenting” style discipline, lots of crafts, very outdoorsy (not the same one as the chickens, we moved house). We have a very sensitive dreamy DS who was absolutely terrible with transitions aged 2, and is also kind of scared of kids he doesn’t know. He completely came out of his shell in that nursery.

MrsJBaptiste · 10/03/2022 22:19

You've had 17 months off work? I do think that these ridiculouly long mat leaves don't help when people actually have to go back to work.

FGS, just get back to it, you do know that is so much longer than a lot of people can afford 🤔

carbibarbie · 10/03/2022 22:19

@Changechangychange your son sounds exactly like mine! He says 'I don't like people, mummy', every time we go into the playground. We've had a very banging social filled time with a great NCT bunch but he's still terrified. TELL ME where I can find a hippy nursery! I'm so jel. Ours all look and feel like bloody sixth form!!

ispepsiokay · 10/03/2022 22:22

Think of it as a positive thing that you're doing for him. He's going to have 3 days a week where he's going to be social, play with friends, paint, sing and learn all about sharing.

I sobbed when I sent my youngest to daycare, he was trying to carry his backpack that seemed bigger than him, and he was so shy but it did him so much good! I remember taking him in the mornings, and him showing me his little routine of where his bag went, good morning to his carers and sitting on the carpet for his good morning song ❤️ honestly he will get so much out of it.

I personally wouldn't choose a nanny, I'd prefer the socialisation aspect.

carbibarbie · 10/03/2022 22:23

@easysundaymorning if it's really awful when he's in nursery (for you and/or him) then you can always take him out when on your next maternity leave and have both babies at home with you?

KentdonMum · 10/03/2022 22:24

We used a childminder locally rather than a nursery as we needed long hours (commuting from London) and longer term ended up finding her much more flexible than a nursery ever would be (as in us getting stuck on trains/late back. She was also much more tolerant of colds and coughs than a nursery would have been). My boys had such an amazing early years experience with her

FlyingPandas · 10/03/2022 22:33

OP, I'm just going to post another viewpoint completely as you've had lots of great posts from people who have managed the transition back to work.

I gave up work to be a SAHM when my DS was just under 2 and believe me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. It might seem like the dream when you're on maternity leave and it all feels dreamy and you have the security of a job to go back to - but once you've actually resigned, then it is a very different ballgame.

I ended up spending years as a SAHM and whilst it was nice to have time with the DC, if I'm absolutely honest it was very rarely quality time, and my self-esteem and sense of self-worth went through the floor.

I know it's hard when they are tiny toddlers but try and think about things in the medium to longer term. I made the mistake of giving up my job because I wanted to spend lots of time with the baby, not really taking on board that the baby was going to grow up, go to school, become independent, etc.

DS1 is 17 now and if I have one regret, it's giving up my job.

YANBU to feel emotional about it, but honestly, you'll both adapt. And on a side note re your concerns about him not settling at childcare because you feed him to sleep etc - DC are notorious for doing things for their nursery keyworkers or childminders that they would never in a million years do for their mothers! You may well find that whilst you spend hours feeding him to sleep for a nap, at nursery he just lies down with the other children on a mat and drifts off on his own....

FrecklesMalone · 10/03/2022 22:42

Just to give a counter side to FlyingPandas. I took extended maternity leave (unpaid) then never went back, when DS2 was 6 months I went to uninpart time until dd was 1. (Over 5 years) I then went to a new job relating to my new degree but self employed and part time. So basically was at home for 6 years. Go to go to every play/social thing that I wanted to. I loved it. They are now all at high school and I work 4 days but from home so they see me all the time, and I'm there when they need me. Best thing I ever did as those years flew by.

Newbie44 · 10/03/2022 22:46

I would literally take each day as it comes once you return to work and reassess your situation after a week/ month or time span of your choosing.
I say this as I was in the same position (many years ago now) and everyone said that I’d be fine, I’d get used to it, baby would be happy etc even though I loved being at home and felt sick at the thought of going back to work. For me, I never once felt happy and eventually I resigned. I was the higher earner, and we literally scraped by for the next 7 years. I don’t regret a single minute. This included moving to a small two bedroomed end terrace, sharing a car, no treats etc so of course there were sacrifices, but financial not emotional. There is always a choice even if you don’t think it’s possible, but it’s hard.
I’m not for one minute suggesting you resign, just that I felt so uneasy about it as you do, and I knew deep down that I was going to struggle but I only knew for sure once I actually went back to work.
It may be that, like many others, you enjoy your freedom and adult company, and your child is well cared for and happy, everyone is different. This is why I say to take one day at a time but have the reassessing period in your sights as soon as you return.
The key is if you are happy, then it is likely your child will be. This was the case for me once I’d made the decision to stay at home. It’s also the case for many women who return to work.
Good luck x

Ohfgsnotagain · 10/03/2022 22:48

I can’t tell you that. I returned to work full time when my DC was 11 months old and I was 2 months pregnant and it was awful. My 11 month old was a poor sleeper, mornings were hell, I was exhausted all the time and I felt completely disconnected from a job I used to love! Life had changed, my priorities had changed, I didn’t want to spend my days at work I wanted to be at home.

I was (I guess you could say) lucky because within 6 months I was on maternity leave again. I didn’t go back after that.

Spottybotty20 · 10/03/2022 22:52

I had 14 months off with my son as I delayed my return twice because I just couldn’t face it. Then I went back and it felt like I’d never been away. I’m fortunate that my son was with family and I was part time so didn’t miss too much. I went back earlier with dd because I’d done it before and knew it would be ok, and it was.