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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to stay like this forever

125 replies

easysundaymorning · 10/03/2022 18:45

I need everyone to tell me how unreasonable I'm being and make me feel better about returning to work after the most incredible 17 month maternity leave. I feel like my heart is breaking in two.

I love being at home. I love my little boy. I don't feel like I need a break from him, and I don't feel in any capacity ready to return to work. I still feed him to sleep, he still wakes a lot in the night, he's quite little and I just dread the thought of him going to nursery three days a week as of next month.

The only thing getting me through is that we are going to start TTC so hopefully by end of the year I'll be off again for another year. I have to go back to get the maternity leave and benefits my work provide.

Please tell me I'll be fine once I'm back and all the positives I'm almost definitely missing about returning to work? Maternity has gone so quickly and I have honestly loved every second of it. We are so settled in to our routine and way of life. I'm so sad it's nearly over

OP posts:

Flyinggeese1234 · 10/03/2022 20:24

@ListeningButNotHearing

So basically you want to take the piss out of your employer even more?

Bizarre comment!

Owieeee · 10/03/2022 20:32

I totally disagree that it's impossible to take time out when they are young and then never recover your career. Obviously it puts you in a more vulnerable position and it depends on your area and qualifications. I took time out ( did a bit of freelance) when all mine were small. They didn't go to nursery until 3. I think having good qualifications to begin with is key and we based out life and mortgage on one main income. I am back working a lot more again in my area , I am very glad I spent that time with them. It's very dependent on each person's situation though obviously. But totally disagree it's impossible to get back into working/ career again.

AdrianCanChaseMe · 10/03/2022 20:34

17 months off? No wonder you don't want to go back! I went back after seven months. Any longer and I'd have never wanted to go back.

I was pregnant with DS2 by the time DS1 was 18 months. I went back when DS2 was six months as well. But it was part time.

PiperPosey · 10/03/2022 20:43

I was a nanny... More like Alice of the Brady Bunch. I took care of that beautiful baby as if it were my own grandchild. ( Of course I knew he wasn't)
But I sent the Mom pictures and videos all through the day. I didn't want her to feel like she was missing out! (I was a former teacher and child development specialist)

I was there when he took his first steps and didn't tell a soul. I wanted the parents to experience this...along with rolling over etc.

Do your homework and find the perfect nanny. She's out there.
( PS when my babies were young my Nanny said, " Say Goodbye to Mommy..( Meaning HER!) That was the end of her...Good Lord.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 10/03/2022 20:47

It will be a massive adjustment but you and baby will be fine! Your DS will gain some independence, and the time you spend with him will be all the more precious.
Just as an alternative opinion to those advising a nanny instead of nursery, my DD initially went to a childminder when I returned to work and absolutely hated it, she cried so much that she would be hoarse when we collected her. One to one care from someone who wasn't me just wasn't right for her. She settled into nursery really well though, and loved going.

FozzyRos · 10/03/2022 20:50

I was in exactly the same position; did not want to leave my little one at nursery. It helped me to flip it and look at it from a different perspective. I genuinely felt/feel that nursery is the best thing for my baby and as much as I wish I could just have him at home with me all the time it wouldn’t be the best thing for him. Confidence, socialising, development - nursery provides so much more than I ever could personally. This is what I tell myself on a loop as I drudge into work

Kanaloa · 10/03/2022 20:50

It’s easy to wallow in how hard it is but if I was you I’d try to count your blessings. You sound like you have an amazing job with good pay and great employers and are going back for a short time before trying to have another baby and have another year off maternity. I mean you’re in a very good position. Sometimes I feel being practical and looking at how good you have it is a lot more helpful than anything else. I went back to a minimum wage job part time after my last baby and hated being off maternity and what got me through was thinking ‘at least I’ve got a job and it pays the kids trips/hobbies etc.’ I had to think I was lucky to find a job where I could work round school/kids and so many people (especially mums) struggle to get back into work after having kids. I see people (single mums especially) in my area struggling by on benefits as I had to do when I had my first two as I was a young single mum with no support/childcare and too young for a proper job. Count your blessings every day is the way through it I think.

Original poster

easysundaymorning · 10/03/2022 20:50

Thanks so much everyone.

Can you tell me how a Nanny works? Would they be based at my house or theirs? Why do some people think this is a better option for my situation than nursery? It's not something I've considered at all! Keen to find out more.

OP posts:

FantasticFebruary · 10/03/2022 20:52

@easysundaymorning

You'll be fine. For me the anticipation of a difficult thing is worse than when it actually happens.

The first time you leave him will be hard, but it gets easier (I presume you'll have him booked in to start 1-2 weeks before you go back to work??

How long do you have to go back to work for, before you're entitled to such a great maternity leave package?

I presume you'll be going back after number 2??

Think of what opportunities you returning to work will give them in the future!

Having a nanny is much easier - no rushing around in the morning, far less pressure to be home before the nursery closes, 1:1 care, continuation of any groups you've been taking him to etc etc. but nursery is cheaper & guaranteed more little friends.

3 days is great though. How long in 3 days? Is that shirt trmmir permanent? How many days did you do before you had DS?

You're in a lovely place in life, try not to focus on the hard parts!!

Get a cleaner, so on your time off you're not wasting it hoovering & you're supporting someone else!

Kanaloa · 10/03/2022 20:52

@PiperPosey

I was a nanny... More like Alice of the Brady Bunch. I took care of that beautiful baby as if it were my own grandchild. ( Of course I knew he wasn't) But I sent the Mom pictures and videos all through the day. I didn't want her to feel like she was missing out! (I was a former teacher and child development specialist)

I was there when he took his first steps and didn't tell a soul. I wanted the parents to experience this...along with rolling over etc.

Do your homework and find the perfect nanny. She's out there.
( PS when my babies were young my Nanny said, " Say Goodbye to Mommy..( Meaning HER!) That was the end of her...Good Lord.

@PiperPosey

When I worked in childcare in baby rooms that was the first thing I always taught apprentices! It’s brought back lovely memories. I would always tell the parent ‘ooh I THINK he might be about to walk, he seems really really close now!’ Even if the child had walked that day. It’s a special moment the parent should have so they can say ‘she took her first steps at home tonight!’

Kanaloa · 10/03/2022 20:56

A nanny should come to your own home. If you drop your child to their home that’s a childminder. A nanny will also only care for your child (unless you do a nanny share) while a childminder will likely have other children there too. A (good and experienced, rather than taking advantage of an aupair or similar) nanny is more expensive generally than a nursery or childminder.

I would have liked a nanny if I could have afforded it! Your child gets one on one attention, can go out places etc. My experience working in nurseries is that obviously each child is part of the group, not the centre of everything. Fine for preschoolers but I would have preferred a nanny for small kids.

Obviously there is then other considerations. So for example if a nursery worker gets sick it’s no big deal, the nursery won’t close. However if your nanny gets sick - that can be a problem!

Benjispruce5 · 10/03/2022 20:58

I didn’t go back for 7 years. Loved it!

Jazzy1000 · 10/03/2022 21:02

I was desolate returning to work after my first. Honestly thought it was the end of the world. Within a few weeks I was really enjoying being back in a routine.
Best advice anyone ever gave me is to only look a few months ahead when kids are little.. As everything changes all the time

Angrymum22 · 10/03/2022 21:02

My DSis had a long maternity leave with her first. She is a high earner so had to go back. When she had her second child she couldn’t wait to go back to work. After 3 mnths of a newborn and a toddler she wanted her sanity back.
It looks like you are planning to have your children close together. I think you may well have a very different view of motherhood when baby number two arrives just as number one gets truly mobile.
I only have one and really got into the sahm vibe but I was very glad to be back at work as he became a toddler. Babies are definitely the easiest stage.
I’m now at the late teens stage, at least when they are babies they are never out of your site. Teenagers feel like a game of Russian roulette every time they leave the house.

Ohbedhowimissyou · 10/03/2022 21:06

I put up a very similar post a couple of months ago. I was dreading returning to work and I'm very lucky to work in a really lovely team, with a nice boss. It is hard. The first nursery drop off I held it together until I got back into the car and then cried all the way home. However, you quickly get back into the swing of things and your child gets to do lots of different activities and socialise while you work. If you're lucky they will do lots of messy play at nursery so you won't have to at home. I won't lie it is exhausting though. I'm still feeding to sleep and up frequently in the night. I still haven't worked that bit out yet.

Dee00 · 10/03/2022 21:07

Going back to work will be hard, but you will be fine.

I’m probably not the best person to comment as I was exactly in your shoes but it didn’t go to plan. I took 14 months maternity leave. About 2 months before I was due back I put my little boy into nursery 3 days, just to ease him in slowly. He didn’t settle in nursery at all and it broke me. Every day he begged me not to leave him and when I picked him up I could tell he had been crying for hours, he would hug me and beg me not to ever go back. So I took him out and ended up not going back to work.

That was 5 years ago and I have no regrets. I have loved every single second and I would do it all again.

So I strongly recommend you trial the nursery asap, or consider a nanny. When your little boy is happy you will be happy. It will be absolutely fine going back to work.

LadyOfMisrule · 10/03/2022 21:10

I found nursery was wonderful for my children's development. So many friends; more play than they could ever have had with me; eating a different range of foods; they developed more confidence and social skills than they wold have had with me; I found more friends amongst the parents who were like me; they had more fun and parties. And the transition to school was much easier.

Howshouldibehave · 10/03/2022 21:26

I didn’t want to back to work after any of my maternity leaves-my first baby was only 17 weeks when I went back :(

But money pays the bills, so needs must, unfortunately. I’m sure you’ll dread it but the reality won’t be nearly as bad as you’re imagining.

foobio · 10/03/2022 21:27

Side note... You mention planning for a second child soon after returning to work, make sure you understand your maternity policy inside out. Don't get caught out by a clause that means you have to be back at work for a certain amount of time before qualifying for more paid leave. I know more than one person who has been caught out by this.

TheKeatingFive · 10/03/2022 21:30

Well you know why you're doing it then. Crack on. Best of luck

chillied · 10/03/2022 21:32

Look at the going back to work as an expression of your love for your child. Cos it is - you are going back to work to be the breadwinner for him.

Babymamaroon · 10/03/2022 21:35

I completely understand how you feel and felt exactly the same after my last baby. Several years on, I'm very glad I stayed with it as there's no way I'd be where I am now if I'd taken even longer out.

Life is about ebb and flow. You've had the best 17 months of your life...so far plenty more to come!

That said, big squeeze for next month, it won't be easy but nothing is.

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 10/03/2022 21:39

Another way to look at this is to consider making drastic changes to allow you to stay home long term - would you all be happy to downsize, move to a more affordable location, manage without a car, with less holidays etc? Would your partner be content to shoulder the financial responsibility in return for the benefits of a sahm? Would you be ok with being dependent - would that upset the equilibrium of your relationship? Are you content to relinquish your professional identity and be perceived socially as “just a sahm”. How would you organise your finances - would you be asking your partner for money?

Maternity leave can be a bit of a fantasy bubble where you have the best of both worlds. You’re comparing going back to work to something that is very different to actually being a sahm. And being at home with one easy baby is worlds apart from having two under three (or more), or managing a less biddable one or a dc with sn.

There’s no judgement here - it’s just things to think about, conversations to have. Whatever decision you make, you need to make with eyes wide open!

Babyroobs · 10/03/2022 21:41

Well you've been exceptionally lucky to have had 17 months off and be considering going off again soon, way luckier than most. And to only have to have your child in nursery 3 days a week is very fortunate too.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/03/2022 21:43

I’m sure you’ll enjoy being back at work OP reclaiming your own identity and sense of self etc outside of being a mother. And think of the extra 💰 🥂👍

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