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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to stay like this forever

125 replies

easysundaymorning · 10/03/2022 18:45

I need everyone to tell me how unreasonable I'm being and make me feel better about returning to work after the most incredible 17 month maternity leave. I feel like my heart is breaking in two.

I love being at home. I love my little boy. I don't feel like I need a break from him, and I don't feel in any capacity ready to return to work. I still feed him to sleep, he still wakes a lot in the night, he's quite little and I just dread the thought of him going to nursery three days a week as of next month.

The only thing getting me through is that we are going to start TTC so hopefully by end of the year I'll be off again for another year. I have to go back to get the maternity leave and benefits my work provide.

Please tell me I'll be fine once I'm back and all the positives I'm almost definitely missing about returning to work? Maternity has gone so quickly and I have honestly loved every second of it. We are so settled in to our routine and way of life. I'm so sad it's nearly over Confused

OP posts:
WutheringHeights66 · 10/03/2022 19:33

Sorry but I don’t think that’s an amazing maternity package.

I know it’s not a competition but I got 18 weeks full pay followed by 8 weeks half pay 28 years ago. Not sure what after that as I had to go back when D.C. were five months old.

In answer to your question you WILL be ok when you go back, you will get used to it, and you might enjoy a bit of you/adult time. I certainly did.

Good luck.

Original poster
easysundaymorning · 10/03/2022 19:34

@Snoozer11 I am a regional manager in an IT Sales business. Nothing particularly skilled I'm afraid to say! It's a male dominated industry but they've been great to me in terms of time off etc etc. Can't complain on that front. I have a large team but they are very competent so I think 3 days a week will work well.

OP posts:
Original poster
easysundaymorning · 10/03/2022 19:36

@WutheringHeights66 yeah it's probably not that amazing - just is in comparison to some friends I know who've recently had babies. They also pay all my car and phone allowance etc in full the entire time I'm off, plus you still get annual bonus, so I probably didn't explain the full package fully. It's enough to make me want to go back to get it again anyway GrinGrin

OP posts:
elbea · 10/03/2022 19:39

Our daughter is the same age and honestly loves her nursery. We were really careful in picking the right one but they have really great ratios and a basically non existent staff turn over. It’s a predominantly outside nursery with acres of land to run about in.

She goes a few days a week and has a little group of friends she runs around with. She comes home and chats about them and is excited to see her key worker in the morning. It’s all about finding the right nursery and I’m sure your child will love it.

Treesuphooray · 10/03/2022 19:40

There are positives. Your baby will get to interact with other kids and will learn loads of social skills. They will also develop positive relationships with other adults, that’s healthy and will set them up well for school.
You get to fund another maternity leave and to maintain your career- which will be useful in future.

I found that my time with DD was even more precious once I went back to work. In some ways that was positive as I tried to make sure that I made time to just be with her and enjoy her company.

I found sending DD to child care really hard to start with (she went to a childminder at 13 months). However she loves nursery at the moment and is super excited to start school. It does get easier but it’s ok to feel sad and to be concerned to start with; it’s a big change to get used to.

Cakeandcardio · 10/03/2022 19:40

I was the same - off for 17 months. Not "very understanding employers" as part suggested 😂😂 just the package they offered!! Anyway, I was like you and didn't miss working one bit. I've been back a while now and I have remembered what I enjoyed about my job. It's not too bad. My DS loves nursery too (he didn't at first!). Sometimes he's running away from me to get into nursery. It will all work out!! Just take it a day at a time.

Original poster
easysundaymorning · 10/03/2022 19:43

Thanks @Cakeandcardio I think I'm dreading him crying and as I still feed him to sleep etc I have no idea how he will nap but I'm trying to trust it'll all work out for the best! Great to know it's not so bad. Annoyingly all this anxiety about it is ruining my last few weeks!

OP posts:
Luhou · 10/03/2022 19:45

Hi!

I am starting work next week, 3 days a week and my DD 16months is of to nursery. I decided to look for a new job, 3 days a week so slightly different to how you're feeling. Although I am really anxious about sending DD to nursery. We have another settling in session tomorrow and really hopping it goes well.

Benefits as far as I see are....

  • extra income
  • being able to drink my tea whilst it's still hot
  • going to the toilet in peace
  • my DD gaining independence
  • DD getting great socialisation
  • penision, maternity leave benefits back and, career development
  • good role model for my DD
  • I also feel like our 2 days together mid week will be extra special, whereas as SAHM, sometimes by Wednesday afternoon I'm like...what now?
Leol · 10/03/2022 19:47

I felt the same way as you. I found it so hard to leave both of mine. Now the children are older, I am really glad I kept my career going though.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2022 19:50

He's probably at the age where he'll enjoy nursery.

I guess think about what you could do at work to make it more enjoyable.

And remind yourself you need the money.

And think about giving up BF (if you are worried about combining that with work that is)

Calmdown14 · 10/03/2022 19:51

I think you have to remind yourself that maternity leave is different. You get to enjoy all the perks of being at home but with the security of knowing you have a job and prospects. Being at home worrying about how you ever get back to that is very different.

For what it's worth, I felt like you did as did pretty much all my friends. We all found the thought of it worse than the reality. You don't miss them at work because the context is all wrong.
If you are part time you'll just find the weeks pass at an alarming rate. By the time you've had enough of the working week it's pretty much over.
The hardest part of returning is adjusting your planning as you look at a date a week and a half away then realise it translates to one available day to complete everything!

WonderfulYou · 10/03/2022 19:53

Everyone wants a year off work - baby or no baby Grin

Unfortunately bills have to be paid but remember that your child will be having a great time making new friends and playing all day.

Once you start back at work i promise it will feel easier.

If you’re feeling guilty putting them in childcare full time could your DH go part time?

FairWindClearSailing · 10/03/2022 19:58

I understand how you feel! My DS is 20 months, also feed to sleep still too. Although it's hard sometimes, I'd still rather be at home with him than back at work. I am not the breadwinner in our home (yet😆) so I'm staying at home until he's 3 but I can imagine I'd feel similar to you if I had to go back.

I'd say focus on the positives, your little one will enjoy the time at nursery and it's a means to an end for you to enjoy your next maternity without worrying about money. I'm sure after a few weeks, you'll get into the swing of it and it'll become your new normal.

Yelsiap · 10/03/2022 20:01

I’ve just gone back after 2 years off, I had a 13 month age gap between my two so I didn’t go back in between maternity leave. My 2 year old has just started nursery and my 1 year old starts next week. I was very upset and did not want to go back but actually my 2 year old really likes it and I think it’s really good for them.

CeleriacOfTheNight · 10/03/2022 20:01

I had three babies, and after every ML I felt 'wah I don't want to go back!'

Every time, within a fortnight I was like 'Oh yeah! Adult conversation, disposable income and coffee breaks...I remember you! Grin'

Babies were fine, I was fine, and now they're almost grown I'm thankful I didn't quit.

Yelsiap · 10/03/2022 20:01

Also you’ll be approaching the terrible twos soon and then you may welcome the space

Wam90 · 10/03/2022 20:02

It is so incredibly hard and the guilt will be unbearable but as you’ve said you have to go back. That’ll make it a bit easier mentally because you have no choice. Your little boy will absolutely thrive at nursery and he’ll learn so much from the other children. You have had so much lovely time with him but if baby number 2 is conceived soon then you’ll have even more time to enjoy with him, especially if you can take leave before the baby is born.
I’m due to go back in a couple of months after baby number two and I’m heartbroken at the thought of it. I look at people just starting their mat leave and I wish I could go back to the beginning. You’ll cope because you have to but it’ll be so emotionally hard!

Chasingaftermidnight · 10/03/2022 20:12

I think you have to remind yourself that maternity leave is different. You get to enjoy all the perks of being at home but with the security of knowing you have a job and prospects. Being at home worrying about how you ever get back to that is very different.

This is true, and it’s something it took me a long time to realise. I absolutely LOVE being on maternity leave, but it’s important to remember it isn’t the same as being a SAHM. For example, my employer is paying into my pension, I’ve still got work benefits such as PMI, illness cover and death in service, and I’ve got the security of knowing that if anything happens (like my DH being made redundant) I could head back to work tomorrow keep us afloat.

I don’t say that to bash SAHMs, not at all - I’m just trying to say that they aren’t the same.

Yotrotro · 10/03/2022 20:12

Returning on 3 days is great, that's what I've done over the last year or so and now going up to 3.5. If you can choose your days, it's ideal to have a break instead of consecutive days. I do Mon/Tues/Thurs so have weds and Fri off with little one. It makes it all sooooooo much easier when they are ill/didn't get a good night's sleep etc as you've got a bit of a reset day for GP appts etc! Also much easier for meal planning/prepping ahead for days at a time rather trying to prep the whole week in one go.

I tend to do one day of errands and housework etc in the middle of the week and give LO time to play with toys in the house/garden and local park, then another day of classes and meeting friend's or special days out just the two of us.

The benefits of being back in work are...
-not just being mum, being me again!

  • hot tea, pee breaks on your own etc
  • using my brain fully
-seeing your little one make friends, develop bonds and play independently to you (it's honestly lovely)
  • the development is unreal
-tips and tricks from nursery staff -getting involved in world book Day etc -they eat so much better in a group -sense of community, birthday parties etc etc
JenniferBarkley · 10/03/2022 20:14

Honestly OP, it'll be fine. I'm happier back at work, I felt a bit of "me" disappeared on maternity leave. Even if you're not missing her right now, you might find you're happy to get a bit of the old you back.

My DC's nursery is incredible, both of my girls have been full time from 10 months and it's been fantastic for them, especially through covid and because we don't have any family nearby. The nursery is their extended family. They didn't cry at drop off after the first few times (actually, I don't think DD2 has ever cried at drop off). DD1 is heading to school in September and will be in the same class as some of the kids she has known since the baby room.

ListeningButNotHearing · 10/03/2022 20:15

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Chasingaftermidnight · 10/03/2022 20:18

@Yelsiap

Also you’ll be approaching the terrible twos soon and then you may welcome the space
Also I second this. When I went back to work my son was 13 months and at that adorable chubby wobbly walking stage - it was absolutely heartbreaking to leave him. 18 months later and whilst I love him more than I can say, we’re in peak terrible twos and there are some mornings when I hand him to nursery staff and breathe a sigh of relief as I drive away 😂
Mackmama · 10/03/2022 20:19

It’s so tough OP, I went back when my little boy was 5 months. I dreaded leaving him and I loved maternity leave, but for me thinking about it was worse than doing it. Enjoy your last few weeks, you’ve got this xx

Cameleongirl · 10/03/2022 20:22

I’m another person wondering whether a nanny might be a good option for you, especially as you’re planning to have a second baby. Although the social side of nursery was great for my children I have to admit.

KentdonMum · 10/03/2022 20:23

I would have hands down stayed at home with my children if I had had the choice. I went back part time (4 days a week) after a year and 3 months off (accrued holidays) with DS1. It was gutting but in no way as bad as I thought. I didn’t think I could have any more children but unexpectedly fell pregnant 7 months after returning to work. After DS2, I didn’t exactly want to go back to work but I did feel it was better for me and us all that I did. FFWD to now having an 11 year old and a nearly 9 year old, I am grateful for keeping my job. Yes I’d still like to be at home/not working but the reality is financially we both need to work and I would hate to have to be finding my way back into job market, most likely full time and up the ladder too and I’m fairly certain I’d be very pushed to earn the sort of salary and flexibility that I have got in the job I hung into.

As someone else said, it’s a case of putting on the big girl pants and counting your blessings/being thankful for the long mat leave. Don’t let the prospect of returning to work spoil it either