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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect him to defend me

103 replies

Clairelouise199 · 10/03/2022 11:26

As per subject line. I feel that he should be doing more to stick up for me with this stupid situation I have found myself in.

In our village, there is currently a very controversial project potentially going to be taking place. Essentially, the parish council would need to take out a loan towards this which they would be asking residents to fund for the next 30 years, in the form of a council tax increase. It’s a completely non-essential project, especially considering the current state of the economy and the cost of living having increased so greatly recently. This has turned out to -unsurprisingly- be controversial locally, with the vast majority of residents being very much against it.

My husband and I are both on the village community Facebook page. Hubby is reluctant to be on this as he does not like Facebook at all, but we both joined it when we moved here so that we could keep up-to-date with any villagey related issues/news and the like.

Recently there had been a lot of posts on the group relates to the above project. As I said, it seems that most residents are greatly against it taking place, apart from the odd few. One guy in particular is very “passionate” about it. He is of course entitled to that opinion, but it is the way that he is going about it… extremely aggressively. I made the mistake of getting into a discussion with him around a week ago, but he has pushed and pushed and goaded me into replying each time, and has now got to the stage of being absolutely vile with me. Normally my reaction would be to block anybody like this, however he has REALLY got to me.. he’s a smart a* with an answer to everything and he’s one of these people that you keep feeling like you have GOT to reply to to get your point across.

The problem is, he has started to get extremely personal with me. He has now run out of arguments and has started insulting me on my physical appearance, based on my profile pic.

I told my husband, and I said to him that it would be nice if he commented, defending me, seeing as I’m his wife. Hubby’s reply was to tell me that he does not see the point in getting involved, that we don’t want to give somebody like this idiot guy the satisfaction of seeing us upset, and that I should just block him and move on.

But, why won’t he defend me?! I’m his wife and it upsets me that he won’t!

Would anybody else feel like this in the same situation?

Hubby says that the absolute best thing to do is not rise to it, that this guy on Facebook is just looking for a reaction from me, which he is clearly getting, and it is fuelling him to make further comments.

I just feel that hubby should defend me - AIBU?

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 10/03/2022 11:28

If I was your husband I’d be staying out of it.

Just block the man.

araiwa · 10/03/2022 11:29

You should listen to your husband

Pyri · 10/03/2022 11:29

I was with you 80% of the way through your post but I absolutely agree with your husband, nothing good can come of engaging with this idiot. You’re much better to take the high road and ignore him

CatherinedeBourgh · 10/03/2022 11:29

Your husband is right. Block him and move on. Don't feed the troll.

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/03/2022 11:29

Report him to the admins and ignore him. You don't have to reply to him.

Mydogisagentleman · 10/03/2022 11:30

I think YABVU to use the word hubby.
I’m on the fence about him defending you on FB.
I would block the man and move on with your life

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 10/03/2022 11:31

Yes you are. You could have disengaged a long time ago and still can by blocking him but you want to escalate further by bringing your DH into it. You don’t need a man to step in and defend your honour you just need to cut the guy off and stop giving him the attention he’s clearly enjoying.
Sorry but I don’t have much patience with people who engage in Facebook spats!

Krakenchorus · 10/03/2022 11:31

You volunteered to get into a needless argument with an arsehole on Facebook. Sort it out yourself.

Clairelouise199 · 10/03/2022 11:31

Ooh sorry about the length of my post 😩 only just realised!!

OP posts:
HopefulProcrastinator · 10/03/2022 11:31

Your husband is right. Stop feeding the troll and it'll go away anything else just plays into his hands - including your husband stepping in.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/03/2022 11:32

Report and block this man. Don’t get any more involved than you already are.

The admins of the site should be dealing with him, in no uncertain terms, not your dh

SilverHairedCat · 10/03/2022 11:32

No need for someone else to come in to join the fray.

I assume this is in a local Fb page or group? Report this man to the moderators of the page and report his posts to Fb every time he's abusive.

And stop engaging with him. If the majority are likely to vote against this proposal, why are you arguing with him? What will you gain?

And I'm very like you, I argue with these twats as well but when it deteriorates to this level of bitching, even I walk away and just report them.

Shesmyperson · 10/03/2022 11:32

Yabu. You got into this discussion. Carried in as if descended it insults. Complained to whoever runs the page, he shouldn't be allowed to go down the route of personal insults.

However, asking you husband to defend you is a bit daft to be honest.

You are an adult. You chose not to end the converstation. You know your husband hates Facebook (probably because of things like this).

Why would having your husband go on (and say what exactly), make this any better?

It will escalate it, more likey. But if you are online engaging with people you need to handle it yourself.

Arabellla · 10/03/2022 11:33

If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

You are not a little woman or a damsel in distress that needs your husband to step in to defend your honour.

You made a mistake engaging with the odious man and are now trying to deflect the heat on to your husband. That ;s not love, OP.

KylieCharlene · 10/03/2022 11:35

I'd like to think he would want to defend me, yes.
In a relationship we are supposed to have each other's backs?
He has given you sound advice though. You need to block this man.

MedusasBadHairDay · 10/03/2022 11:36

No one is making you reply to the man, just ignore him. Your husband is right, there's never anything to be gained by joining in on Facebook bunfights.

sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 11:37

The man is obviously very unpleasant and you should stop engaging with him, or report him to admins, or whatever it is people do on village FB groups.

Your DH, it seems to me, has never shared your enthusiasm for plunging into the murk of village politics, not has he pretended to. Not everybody relishes being a local busybody and engaging in petty nonsense on FB - you do, he doesn't. Why on earth do you think he should wade in to defend your honour when you've got into a slanging match? Bonkers. He's well out of it IMO.

RockinHorseShit · 10/03/2022 11:38

Your husband is right. You can't argue with stupid, so why bother trying. Once you've balanced his comments by adding yours fir others to read, step away & leave the fool to it

sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 11:39

...and frankly, you'll look a bit of a tit if your DH blunders in with "that's my wife you're insulting!" 2022 and all that Grin

Sirzy · 10/03/2022 11:41

Stop posting on there.

Your husband joining in will just inflame things more

DrSbaitso · 10/03/2022 11:41

And if he gets involved, what? The guy will back down?

It's an online flame war. The guy is beyond a dick to be making it personal, but that's what the mods are for. Tell them and Facebook, don't recruit your husband to escalate it further.

he has pushed and pushed and goaded me into replying each time...he’s a smart awith an answer to everything and he’s one of these people that you keep feeling like you have GOT to reply to to get your point across.*

He knows your point. You've made it. He's using provocation tactics to get the point lost among flame war bollocks, and he's succeeded. Just stop engaging, give the prick the last word and get the mods involved.

Are you asking us how to win online pissing contests? You can't. We've all stayed in them longer than we should but sometimes you just have to withdraw. Argue long enough with a loony and eventually people won't be able to tell who the loony is. If bringing our husbands into it did any good, or made us "win", Mumsnet would be Husbandsnet.

ladydimitrescu · 10/03/2022 11:43

In person if a man starting shouting at you, yes I'd expect your Dh to defend you.

You don't need him to defend you on facebook. With all due respect, you aren't a teenager. Just stop replying and block him. He doesn't want to run to your defence online and look immature, which he would.

Just block and don't get involved in arguments online.

DrSbaitso · 10/03/2022 11:44

Hubby says that the absolute best thing to do is not rise to it, that this guy on Facebook is just looking for a reaction from me, which he is clearly getting, and it is fuelling him to make further comments.

He's quite right.

GooglyEyeballs · 10/03/2022 11:45

YABU firstly for engaging in a public social media fight in the first place. And YABU secondly for trying to drag your hub in to it with you.
Your hub is right, block and move on. There's absolutely nothing good that comes of keep arguing with people online.

Movingsoon21 · 10/03/2022 11:45

I agree with your DH I’m afraid! Stop feeding the troll! Block him and learn your lesson not to get involved in heated Fbk conversations in future. Nothing good ever comes of them!

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