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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect him to defend me

103 replies

Clairelouise199 · 10/03/2022 11:26

As per subject line. I feel that he should be doing more to stick up for me with this stupid situation I have found myself in.

In our village, there is currently a very controversial project potentially going to be taking place. Essentially, the parish council would need to take out a loan towards this which they would be asking residents to fund for the next 30 years, in the form of a council tax increase. It’s a completely non-essential project, especially considering the current state of the economy and the cost of living having increased so greatly recently. This has turned out to -unsurprisingly- be controversial locally, with the vast majority of residents being very much against it.

My husband and I are both on the village community Facebook page. Hubby is reluctant to be on this as he does not like Facebook at all, but we both joined it when we moved here so that we could keep up-to-date with any villagey related issues/news and the like.

Recently there had been a lot of posts on the group relates to the above project. As I said, it seems that most residents are greatly against it taking place, apart from the odd few. One guy in particular is very “passionate” about it. He is of course entitled to that opinion, but it is the way that he is going about it… extremely aggressively. I made the mistake of getting into a discussion with him around a week ago, but he has pushed and pushed and goaded me into replying each time, and has now got to the stage of being absolutely vile with me. Normally my reaction would be to block anybody like this, however he has REALLY got to me.. he’s a smart a* with an answer to everything and he’s one of these people that you keep feeling like you have GOT to reply to to get your point across.

The problem is, he has started to get extremely personal with me. He has now run out of arguments and has started insulting me on my physical appearance, based on my profile pic.

I told my husband, and I said to him that it would be nice if he commented, defending me, seeing as I’m his wife. Hubby’s reply was to tell me that he does not see the point in getting involved, that we don’t want to give somebody like this idiot guy the satisfaction of seeing us upset, and that I should just block him and move on.

But, why won’t he defend me?! I’m his wife and it upsets me that he won’t!

Would anybody else feel like this in the same situation?

Hubby says that the absolute best thing to do is not rise to it, that this guy on Facebook is just looking for a reaction from me, which he is clearly getting, and it is fuelling him to make further comments.

I just feel that hubby should defend me - AIBU?

OP posts:

RealBecca · 10/03/2022 13:42

Noone ever asks their husband to join mumsnet to fight their corner.

Blossom64265 · 10/03/2022 13:47

Your husband getting online and posting will only escalate the situation. You should have stopped engaging with this person much earlier.

There are appropriate channels for reporting abuse to Facebook or if it escalates to extreme levels you can report to the police.

Nightlystroll · 10/03/2022 13:49

Sadly, to most of the people in your FB group you're going to look just as bad as he is by now. Maybe your husband doesn't want to be lumped in with the pair of you. You should have stopped engaging long before it got to this stage. Sorry but I'm with your husband on this.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2022 13:52

I made the mistake of getting into a discussion with him around a week ago, but he has pushed and pushed and goaded me into replying each time, and has now got to the stage of being absolutely vile with me. Normally my reaction would be to block anybody like this, however he has REALLY got to me.. he’s a smart a with an answer to everything and he’s one of these people that you keep feeling like you have GOT to reply to to get your point across.*

Take some personal responsibility here. It sounds a bit childish, like you're saying "but...but...HE started it Miss!"

Your husband is absolutely right. If you feel this man has made you look silly (or is at least trying to), you'll look even sillier if your husband gets involved in your petty Facebook row.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2022 13:57

You're being ridiculous. You should have blocked this man ages ago.

DrSbaitso · 10/03/2022 14:07

@RealBecca

Noone ever asks their husband to join mumsnet to fight their corner.

They do sometimes say "My DH says...." as if that ends the debate.

Hilarity tends to ensue.

theremustonlybeone · 10/03/2022 14:22

My DH would be moritified if he found me arguing with someone in our local area via facebook. He would tell me to stop being an arse and block the bloke.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2022 14:23

Sadly, to most of the people in your FB group you're going to look just as bad as he is by now.

Definitely. As my grandmother would say, "Only a fool argues with a fool."

edwinbear · 10/03/2022 14:27

Your husband is 100% right

CheltenhamLady · 10/03/2022 14:35

@knittingaddict

No I wouldn't expect my husband to defend me. I am more than capable of doing that myself and would be mortified if he felt the need to step in and escalate it (which is what would happen). The only thing I might expect my husband to do is advise me to remove myself from this group, let everyone know why I was leaving and ignore the whole bloody thing. He would be right. Who has time to get into longdrawn out social media spats?

This, absolutely, OP. It is 2022.

pigsDOfly · 10/03/2022 14:42

What exactly are you expecting your husband to say to this man in order to defend your honour?

You're an adult, a fully grown woman, and yet you expect a man to wade in against his better judgement and tell someone off for you.

Bloody hell.

Chloemol · 10/03/2022 14:51

I agree with your husband the keyboard warrior won’t stop, he will just start on your husband

Report the nasty posts to FB and PM the admins of the site and ask if they think his comments are acceptable, that you like to think they agree with you they are not and they will ban him from the site

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/03/2022 15:09

Why on Earth haven't you reported him to the admins of the Facebook page?

I think You are both being u, you shouldn't expect him to back you up in this instance, but also if I was in his shoes I'd be asking you why you've not blocked or reported him

ButtockUp · 10/03/2022 15:27

This person sounds like he's already made himself look foolish, there's no need to engage further with him.

I agree with your husband, leave him be. Don't be a medium for his spleen venting.

iklboo · 10/03/2022 18:06

Don't engage any more. Not even 'aye, right Greg' (or whatever his name is). Report to the moderators & block him.

SarahProblem · 10/03/2022 18:35

What do you want him to do slap the guy with a white glove and challenge him to a duel?

Agrudge · 10/03/2022 18:46

@Clairelouise199 do you know this person outside of facebook?

If you do deal with him when you see him

Ipadflowers · 10/03/2022 18:50

I find this very odd op. You’re an adult. You got yourself into this petty spiteful Facebook argument you need to get youtself out of it. You’re not a child. Of course your husband shouldn’t get involved.

Just block him.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 10/03/2022 18:53

@quitefranklyabsurd

Parish councils don’t have the power to raise council tax.

Word for word what I was going to say.

This:

the parish council would need to take out a loan towards this which they would be asking residents to fund for the next 30 years, in the form of a council tax increase

is utter bollocks.

Your husband is probably massively embarrassed at your lack of awareness.

Ipadflowers · 10/03/2022 19:02

Yes I was confused by the council tax thing. As that’s district council.

Op, you’ve got into a daft argument, you didn’t have to respond. It’s got personal. Just stop now. Ok?

What’s your husband going to do? Wade in and say eh she’s not fat and ugly or whatever he’s insulting about your appearance and she’s my wife. Stop now or I’ll come and beat you up?

LolaButt · 10/03/2022 19:15

Here’s how you exit a flame war with grace…

Then if he replies just ignore him. Even if he’s goading you. It’s that simple.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/03/2022 22:00

@LolaButt

Here’s how you exit a flame war with grace…

Then if he replies just ignore him. Even if he’s goading you. It’s that simple.

Do this. Except at the end do this -

Well X, it seems we fundamentally disagree to the point where it has become very personal for you. My online presence and view point is clearly causing you much distress, so I’m going to leave you to continue the discussion with any other interested parties should they appear. As far as our conversation is concerned, it seems very important to you that you have the last word so I am giving that to you. Please do have the last word and I hope that alleviates some of your distress.

Then he's buggered if he replies or not

LolaButt · 10/03/2022 22:14

Ooh yes. Nailed it!

Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 07:20

That's a very clever reply Lola and Wallace

MarinoRoyale · 11/03/2022 07:58

You need to take responsibility for your part in this, having an argument on Facebook isn’t a good look for anyone. Plus you’re in control of your own reactions, just block the abusive person and ignore, he’s not forcing you to engage with him.

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