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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect him to defend me

103 replies

Clairelouise199 · 10/03/2022 11:26

As per subject line. I feel that he should be doing more to stick up for me with this stupid situation I have found myself in.

In our village, there is currently a very controversial project potentially going to be taking place. Essentially, the parish council would need to take out a loan towards this which they would be asking residents to fund for the next 30 years, in the form of a council tax increase. It’s a completely non-essential project, especially considering the current state of the economy and the cost of living having increased so greatly recently. This has turned out to -unsurprisingly- be controversial locally, with the vast majority of residents being very much against it.

My husband and I are both on the village community Facebook page. Hubby is reluctant to be on this as he does not like Facebook at all, but we both joined it when we moved here so that we could keep up-to-date with any villagey related issues/news and the like.

Recently there had been a lot of posts on the group relates to the above project. As I said, it seems that most residents are greatly against it taking place, apart from the odd few. One guy in particular is very “passionate” about it. He is of course entitled to that opinion, but it is the way that he is going about it… extremely aggressively. I made the mistake of getting into a discussion with him around a week ago, but he has pushed and pushed and goaded me into replying each time, and has now got to the stage of being absolutely vile with me. Normally my reaction would be to block anybody like this, however he has REALLY got to me.. he’s a smart a* with an answer to everything and he’s one of these people that you keep feeling like you have GOT to reply to to get your point across.

The problem is, he has started to get extremely personal with me. He has now run out of arguments and has started insulting me on my physical appearance, based on my profile pic.

I told my husband, and I said to him that it would be nice if he commented, defending me, seeing as I’m his wife. Hubby’s reply was to tell me that he does not see the point in getting involved, that we don’t want to give somebody like this idiot guy the satisfaction of seeing us upset, and that I should just block him and move on.

But, why won’t he defend me?! I’m his wife and it upsets me that he won’t!

Would anybody else feel like this in the same situation?

Hubby says that the absolute best thing to do is not rise to it, that this guy on Facebook is just looking for a reaction from me, which he is clearly getting, and it is fuelling him to make further comments.

I just feel that hubby should defend me - AIBU?

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 10/03/2022 12:36

YABU. You need to stop engaging, not dragging other people into it. “Hubby” is right.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 10/03/2022 12:36

I understand your upset at the situation but you've specifically said you can't help replying yet it seems to be causing you more and more headspace so I think you are being unreasonable about hubby stepping in and he's very much right in his advice. This is my fave for people like this just drop it in, block , breathe and forget him.

to expect him to defend me
FuzzyPuffling · 10/03/2022 12:37

I'm assuming OP means Parish Precept which shows up on your CT bill, but is set locally.

Erinyes · 10/03/2022 12:38

I think your husband is right. You allowed yourself to be provoked into the kind of online battle that is time-consuming, infuriating and ultimately pointless. I don't use FB so don't know how it works, but does the village group have a moderator with any powers to remove the man for personal insults etc?

And honestly, I don't think you really want your husband to wade in with the equivalent of ''Ere, that's my BIRD!', do you?

Howshouldibehave · 10/03/2022 12:40

How can a parish council raise Council tax-this sounds bizarre? Will it be compulsory?

Your husband is completely right-slanging matches on social media are pitiful, just block and move on. Far more dignified.

SamphiretheStickerist · 10/03/2022 12:43

@FuzzyPuffling

I'm assuming OP means Parish Precept which shows up on your CT bill, but is set locally.
But doesn't happen as OP seems to have set out.
Ionlydomassiveones · 10/03/2022 12:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

VivX · 10/03/2022 12:46

I do think think that if your dh got involved that would be strange. You're an adult and your own person.

Block the man who is making personal attacks. You won't change his mind any more than he will change his, so you may as well stop wasting your time and allowing yourself to be wound up by him.

LizDoingTheCanCan · 10/03/2022 12:48

Parish councils can raise their council tax precept by an uncapped amount, and they can take out loans.

As for the rest, step away from Facebook arguments. If you identify someone as a prick, block them before they set their sights on you.

SamphiretheStickerist · 10/03/2022 12:50

Yes, Liz, but they can't just choose to do it. There are permissions to gain, channels to follow

Catclean · 10/03/2022 12:50

Report his post to FB and get him banned for a while. It's hate speech.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/03/2022 13:08

One thing to take forward from this experience OP is this -

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but the pig likes it.

vampirewellness · 10/03/2022 13:12

Reply on FB to the twat with

"YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY "!

grapewines · 10/03/2022 13:19

You got involved in the argument and keep rising to it. It'll only look ridiculous if your husband wades in on the thread. Just step back and block the dude.

YABVU to want to involve your husband in online squabbles.

Thatsplentyjack · 10/03/2022 13:24

Well if my partner got into an online argument with someone I wouldn't be jumping in to defend him. He's a grown man, he can deal with it himself and I would be embarrassed if he jumped in to defend me.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 10/03/2022 13:28

I would just point out that there is no need to get personal when the subject in question is the project. And leave it there.

TreatTrimTame · 10/03/2022 13:28

You chose to converse with this man. If you're big enough to start an argument then you don't need backup from your DH. Should this man go and get his wife involved? Block, report and don't engage.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 10/03/2022 13:28

There is always at least one of these wankers on local FB. I find it very hard not to comment but do my best to restrain myself. It's generally not worth engaging with these idiots.

KarmaStar · 10/03/2022 13:28

Yabu and your husband is correct.

IvorCutler · 10/03/2022 13:30

Just bloody block him! Report him to Facebook too if his actions warrant it.

needmoreshinys · 10/03/2022 13:32

I once got into an argument with a guy online who then went and messaged my partner to tell him to control me.

My partner nearly wet himself laughing before telling the guy to A. Fuck off and B. If he didn't like what I was saying, he could block me, and sent him instructions on how to do it

Just block the guy, or keep repeating if you need to insult me personally, you have lost the argument

knittingaddict · 10/03/2022 13:35

No I wouldn't expect my husband to defend me. I am more than capable of doing that myself and would be mortified if he felt the need to step in and escalate it (which is what would happen). The only thing I might expect my husband to do is advise me to remove myself from this group, let everyone know why I was leaving and ignore the whole bloody thing. He would be right. Who has time to get into longdrawn out social media spats?

Gizacluethen · 10/03/2022 13:38

Your husband commenting "don't talk to my wife like that!" Does zero for you. I'd expect the community as a whole to be telling him what a prick he is though.

RealBecca · 10/03/2022 13:41

What do you think a man defending you will achieve?

You're vocal annes not. Why does your preference to get involved trump his desire to stay out of it.

Frankly I think your being ridiculous.

Do you think female, or even male, MPs ask their husbands and wives to defend them?

PS, noone ever changed their mind after a facebook row.

girlmom21 · 10/03/2022 13:41

Do you often start conflicts then expect your husband to wade in and save the day?

If this man is as aggressive as you claim, what happens when he bumps into your husband in the street and gets confrontational over online arguments?

It's just silly.