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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect him to defend me

103 replies

Clairelouise199 · 10/03/2022 11:26

As per subject line. I feel that he should be doing more to stick up for me with this stupid situation I have found myself in.

In our village, there is currently a very controversial project potentially going to be taking place. Essentially, the parish council would need to take out a loan towards this which they would be asking residents to fund for the next 30 years, in the form of a council tax increase. It’s a completely non-essential project, especially considering the current state of the economy and the cost of living having increased so greatly recently. This has turned out to -unsurprisingly- be controversial locally, with the vast majority of residents being very much against it.

My husband and I are both on the village community Facebook page. Hubby is reluctant to be on this as he does not like Facebook at all, but we both joined it when we moved here so that we could keep up-to-date with any villagey related issues/news and the like.

Recently there had been a lot of posts on the group relates to the above project. As I said, it seems that most residents are greatly against it taking place, apart from the odd few. One guy in particular is very “passionate” about it. He is of course entitled to that opinion, but it is the way that he is going about it… extremely aggressively. I made the mistake of getting into a discussion with him around a week ago, but he has pushed and pushed and goaded me into replying each time, and has now got to the stage of being absolutely vile with me. Normally my reaction would be to block anybody like this, however he has REALLY got to me.. he’s a smart a* with an answer to everything and he’s one of these people that you keep feeling like you have GOT to reply to to get your point across.

The problem is, he has started to get extremely personal with me. He has now run out of arguments and has started insulting me on my physical appearance, based on my profile pic.

I told my husband, and I said to him that it would be nice if he commented, defending me, seeing as I’m his wife. Hubby’s reply was to tell me that he does not see the point in getting involved, that we don’t want to give somebody like this idiot guy the satisfaction of seeing us upset, and that I should just block him and move on.

But, why won’t he defend me?! I’m his wife and it upsets me that he won’t!

Would anybody else feel like this in the same situation?

Hubby says that the absolute best thing to do is not rise to it, that this guy on Facebook is just looking for a reaction from me, which he is clearly getting, and it is fuelling him to make further comments.

I just feel that hubby should defend me - AIBU?

OP posts:
quitefranklyabsurd · 10/03/2022 11:47

Parish councils don’t have the power to raise council tax.

incognitoforthisone · 10/03/2022 11:48

Your husband's right. Just block the man and move on. If your husband gets involved it will just escalate. Being a dickhead on Facebook is this man's hobby. He'll love it if he's got someone else to argue with.

AwayInMyMind · 10/03/2022 11:51

Listen to your husband and block this man (or report him to FB)

DrSbaitso · 10/03/2022 11:51

@quitefranklyabsurd

Parish councils don’t have the power to raise council tax.
Damn, I got suckered! Thank you.

Weirdly, I was just thinking "hmm, very feminine username" but lately I've been trying to rein in my suspicions about silly, goady posts with those. But every time I think it and decide to give the benefit of the doubt, my original suspicions get confirmed, or at least substantiated.

Brefugee · 10/03/2022 11:51

don't block him. Screenshot first. Then report to the group admins and ask them if this is the kind of village group they want to have.

he’s a smart a with an answer to everything and he’s one of these people that you keep feeling like you have GOT to reply to to get your point across.*
maybe he feels like that about you though? (presumably you're not insulting his looks?)

Unsureaboutit9 · 10/03/2022 11:52

YABU you are a grown adult having a childish argument on Facebook, it’s your own problem. Stop replying and giving the village idiot the satisfaction (which will be hugely increased if your husband joins in), and block him. It’s 2022, you don’t need rescuing by your husband. It’s high school behaviour expecting someone to step in for you in a Facebook argument.

iklboo · 10/03/2022 11:53

Is the project For The Greater Good?

GandTfortea · 10/03/2022 11:54

What do you want ? A punch up ?
Your husband gets involved,and the men start trading insults?
Seriously block the twat and move on

Irridescantshimmmer · 10/03/2022 11:55

I would suggest that the village council should do a vote then make a decision based on the majority. Especially as everyone is going to have to pay for it.

The guy who is being rude to you on Facebook needs to watch his attitude, he will continue to take 1 step forward then 10 steps back if he continues that that. He's like a rat up a drain pipe, just block him.

SpiderVersed · 10/03/2022 11:57

YABU. You chose to get into a Facebook spat. Choose to walk away.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 10/03/2022 11:58

I agree with your husband.
If his posts are personal attacks on you, report him to Facebook and the group admin for bullying

Rosehugger · 10/03/2022 11:59

It would look pathetic if DH got involved. Just block and report the man.

Shesmyperson · 10/03/2022 12:00

I really hope that someone said

'You have no authority here, Jackie Weaver. No authority at ALL'

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/03/2022 12:01

It would be different if it was in real life or someone you knew. But you're essentially asking him to get into a public slanging match with some random who does not matter. I'd be saying no in this circumstance. You literally can't win with people like this, this guy will just start taking the piss out of him as well

peachy3 · 10/03/2022 12:17

Just log off and leave the sad git to it. Your husband is right, why give him the satisfaction? And your husband told you from the beginning he doesn’t want to be on the Facebook group and doesn’t want to get involved, it’s unfair of you to then expect him to get involved because you have involved yourself so much.

KatherineJaneway · 10/03/2022 12:17

YABVU. Just block this idiot and move on. The Facebook guy is having a whale of a time winding you up and you are letting him. I agree with your DH.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/03/2022 12:18

YABU

Ignore, block, report but don't drag your DH into it.

AlternativePerspective · 10/03/2022 12:20

God I can’t be doing with these people who get all caught up in the drama of a facebook fight. The block button is there for a reason, but instead of using it people engage and engage and engage and then wail about being picked on. Internet bullying of this type is the easiest to stop, and yet people seem to love the drama of it.

And frankly I’d be mortified if my DP jumped to my defence over something this petty. If need be I can fight my own battles, and I’m perfectly capable of using the block button. I certainly don’t need a man to defend me thank you very much.

I left my local fb chat site for this reason. Full of petty twats sniping at one another.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 10/03/2022 12:22

Just tell him to grow up and then stop engaging with him.

He knows your point. He can read. He simply doesn't agree with you and sounds like he never will. Therefore it's pointless to try to keep finding different ways to tell him something he already understands in the hope he'll eventually back down and agree with you.

CookieMunch · 10/03/2022 12:23

Yabu the local groups are notorious for this kind of thing here. By all means comment on stuff and give your opinion but don’t engage in arguments on there. No one wins or convinces the other side. Everyone just gets upset and angry. I always just stop replying and ignore when it starts to get like that. Ignore ignore and then if he continues to send messages you could try the admins of the group. But the best tactic is not to respond

SamphiretheStickerist · 10/03/2022 12:25

Essentially, the parish council would need to take out a loan towards this which they would be asking residents to fund for the next 30 years, in the form of a council tax increase.

Using what legitimate vehicle are they doing this?

From where are they borrowing the money?

Who is approving the tax hike?

All of that information should be public record. At which point I think you'll find it isn't as you have stated.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 10/03/2022 12:28

If this was two kids arguing and the brother or sister of one of them got involved, as an adult you would tell the brother or sister they were making it worse.
Just block him

Ikeptgoing · 10/03/2022 12:31

Report his behaviour yo admin moderator of that fb page. Delete your own posts off the site. Disengage. Block him so he cannot tag or find you.

Secondly parish council costs requests and local borough council (who set the CT) may be able to slightly raise council tax but government sets limits of maximum % they can raise it, so fingers crossed it won't be too big a hike. You were missive to get into flaming war with Fb stranger as when has anyone ever listened on Fb and said "oh yes, Good point, I now change my mind" ??? It's rare.

Your husband is right . You'd look silly if he stepped in. Far more effective ways to deal with this. Report him, block him and ultimately delete your own posts

gannett · 10/03/2022 12:32

I wonder if OP will be asking her husband to defend her in this thread now.

MiniCooper15 · 10/03/2022 12:33

I kind of understand how you feel as I'd want DH to defend me BUT I remember once a man knocked into me drunkly when I was with a male friend years ago he stood up for demanded the man apologise and it got pretty scary. My DH would probably give me same advice yours has and I'd give may teenage son the same message.