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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he didn't need to buy his ex a present?

77 replies

ofifce12 · 10/03/2022 10:16

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We fell in love quickly, he has a young child through a casual relationship. He has said he needs time to tell the mother of his child about us as she would be upset and he's scared she will cut him off from the child.

I have told him its not fair on both of us, he has said they don't really get on but he tries for the sake of their child. He lives about an hour away from his daughter, he went to collect her and came back. I went over when she was asleep, and a text popped up from her thanking him for buying her favourite cakes. I opened the message and she said she would love these particular cakes, he said no its too far but he actually travelled 7 miles in the opposite direction to get her a box of these expensive cakes and then surprise her.

I confronted him about it but he said it wasn't a romantic gesture he just wants them to get along. aibu to think he did not need to do this

OP posts:
LittleBirdBlu · 10/03/2022 10:18

7 months in and your opening messages on his phone......Confused

VelvetChairGirl · 10/03/2022 10:19

@LittleBirdBlu

7 months in and your opening messages on his phone......Confused
[Grin]
DaffodilDandilion · 10/03/2022 10:19

A man who treats the mother of his child well should only be seen as a positive. Would you prefer he treated her badly?

Original poster
ofifce12 · 10/03/2022 10:20

we always go on each others phones normally, i admit i am a bit insecure about their relationship

OP posts:
VelvetChairGirl · 10/03/2022 10:24

7 months in Hmm
young child from a casual relationship Grin
fell in love quickly ROFL
Spying on his phone LMAO.

come on OP

Original poster
ofifce12 · 10/03/2022 10:32

I know, I know how it looks. It was an instant connection, he feels like my person. I'm not a young girl so i know how this looks. I admit I did look on his phone and all he does is reassure me it is me he wants. I can't work out whether its inappropriate or I'm feeling insecure

OP posts:
purpleboy · 10/03/2022 10:32

This makes no sense, if it was a casual relationship why would she be upset if he moved on?
Are you sure they're not still having some kind of "casual relationship"?

BobHadBitchTits · 10/03/2022 10:35

🙄

Chely · 10/03/2022 10:37

I get him wanting to be on good terms with the mother of his child but keeping your relationship secret after 7 months is a red flag. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

TheReddestJohansson · 10/03/2022 10:38

How old are you OP?

SartresSoul · 10/03/2022 10:40

None of this makes much sense to me. If they had a casual relationship, she shouldn’t care if he moves on. Also not sure why he’d go out of his way to buy cakes for his ex especially such a ‘casual’ one… I think he may be downplaying their relationship.

Original poster
ofifce12 · 10/03/2022 10:41

I'm 31, I have said all this to him. He said she wanted more from the relationship and I get that, I can tell from the way she talks to him sometimes. We spend nearly all our free time together so I don't think he is with her. But they have spent like an hour on the phone talking, and now even if he means well buying her these gifts, surely he's sending the wrong signal

OP posts:
VainAbigail · 10/03/2022 10:41

I confronted him

Oh dear op.

QforCucumber · 10/03/2022 10:42

11 years in and I've never felt the need to look on DH's phone, that's not a good starting point, if he truly felt like 'your person' you'd not be inclined to do this.

Canigooutyet · 10/03/2022 10:43

He doesn’t need to tell her about you.
Nothing wrong with treating the parent of your child regardless of their previous relationship.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 10/03/2022 10:43

Run far and fast before there's another child and a shuttlecock effect boyfriend.

Bananarama21 · 10/03/2022 10:44

Christ you sound immature and clearly not the relationship for you with a man having a child to another woman.

JorisBonson · 10/03/2022 10:49

This sounds like a lovely healthy relationship 🙄

Holskey · 10/03/2022 10:52

I don't know why you're being mocked, other than standard AIBU cruelty, of course.

I agree it's inappropriate to surprise her with gifts, especially because she seems to have feelings for him. Also a red flag that he's hiding your relationship if you consider it to be serious. You don't trust him which is why you're going through his phone. I think it's better you accept this relationship isn't as strong or healthy as you thought.

VelvetChairGirl · 10/03/2022 11:01

@purpleboy

This makes no sense, if it was a casual relationship why would she be upset if he moved on? Are you sure they're not still having some kind of "casual relationship"?
maybe they are "having a break".
AwayInMyMind · 10/03/2022 11:14

My DP is wonderful to his ex wife (and she to him). They text and talk most days. Not sure if they exchange gifts but he does spend every Christmas with her and their children, so it wouldn't surprise me.

I admire and respect their relationship - its one of the things that makes me like him more.

Holskey · 10/03/2022 11:23

@AwayInMyMind

My DP is wonderful to his ex wife (and she to him). They text and talk most days. Not sure if they exchange gifts but he does spend every Christmas with her and their children, so it wouldn't surprise me.

I admire and respect their relationship - its one of the things that makes me like him more.

I'd say this type of relationship is an acquired taste. Many people want a partner they can share Christmas with and I'm guessing OP is in that category. I think many people go wrong choosing a person who can't offer what they want.
Shesmyperson · 10/03/2022 11:24

The hiding you is the concerning bit. But you are accepting that.

However, if a partner of 7 months told me I couldn't do something nice for my ex, I wouldn't be happy at all. Certainly wouldn't appreciate being 'confronted' nor would I appreciate any partner going through my phone and reading messages. Its not just a message popped up. You then went and read all the other messages.

From what I can gather, she wanted the cakes, he said no but then did it. Its 7 miles out of his way, but he did it as a favour.

I don't see the huge issue. That said, if its something your arena happy with that's fine too. But it's not a relationship you should be in.

newbiename · 10/03/2022 11:28

Massive over reaction.
Why on earth would you look at someone's phone after 7 months ?
If you can't cope with his relationship with the mother of his child, is this the relationship for you ?

Original poster
ofifce12 · 10/03/2022 11:29

I just think its a romantic gesture. It comes across as he told her no, but wanted her to be happy. He then said well as long as you're happy. Maybe its not the relationship for me, I hoped we could work it out.

I agree he should have told her about me, i'm sure if she knew about me she wouldn't be as friendly

OP posts: