Page 3 | To think he didn't need to buy his ex a present?

ofifce12 · 2022-03-10T10:16:22+00:00

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We fell in love quickly, he has a young child through a casual relationship. He has said he needs time to tell the mother of his child about us as she would be upset and he's scared she will cut him off from the child. I have told him its not fair on both of us, he has said they don't really get on but he tries for the sake of their child. He lives about an hour away from his daughter, he went to collect her and came back. I went over when she was asleep, and a text popped up from her thanking him for buying her favourite cakes. I opened the message and she said she would love these particular cakes, he said no its too far but he actually travelled 7 miles in the opposite direction to get her a box of these expensive cakes and then surprise her. I confronted him about it but he said it wasn't a romantic gesture he just wants them to get along. aibu to think he did not need to do this

BOOTS52 · 10/03/2022 13:04

It sounds to me like he is going out of his way to please her in the hope that they may get back together, maybe I am wrong. He should be able to tell her and everyone that you are in a relationship and that is where the insecurity is coming from on your part. He needs to tell her he is seeing someone else. If he is a good dad well that is all good. As for the poster saying her fella spends Christmas day with ex and the kids well that is weird if you have been together a long time and not normal at all. I think you should have a good think about what you want and how you see your relationship going forward but please do not feel needy as that will make him run further away. Ask him straight out when he will tell her that he is in a relationship with you and if he cannot do that then that is your answer as it will make you more insecure. You also have to accept that she will be in his life as she is the mother of his child and they will always have to be in contact so ask yourself is this something that you can cope with and if not then move on as the child has to come first but make sure he is not playing you both.

user1493494961 · 10/03/2022 13:05

Let him go.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 10/03/2022 13:11

I think it's the other way round. HE wanted more and she didn't.

Crimeismymiddlename · 10/03/2022 13:13

You don’t trust him, you snoop his phone and you freak out over a cake gesture. I have gone out with many men with children, it has never been a thing that they tell the mother of the child about me, frankly they would not be interested, nor is it their business.

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 13:14

@Holskey

I don't know why you're being mocked, other than standard AIBU cruelty, of course.

I agree it's inappropriate to surprise her with gifts, especially because she seems to have feelings for him. Also a red flag that he's hiding your relationship if you consider it to be serious. You don't trust him which is why you're going through his phone. I think it's better you accept this relationship isn't as strong or healthy as you thought.

I agree with this tbh.

If he's so concerned she'll be upset that he's moved on with someone else, to the point he's keeping you quiet, because she "wanted more" then why is he surprising her with gifts? It seems cruel if anything.

If she knew about you, and that he'd moved on and there was no chance for them and she too had accepted that, then maybe it would be okay to have a relationship with your ex where you do gestures like this.

But not when one "wants more" and he's so concerned that his new relationship will upset her because of this.

If I was her, I'd have taken this as a romantic gesture personally. Or at least an "offering" for the beginning of a more in depth relationship with him.

You'll get lots of the cool wives on here saying they don't care that their husband spends Christmas day with their ex wife and buys her flowers every valentine's Day or whatnot but I don't think most people would be okay with that level of attachment post separation when you're in a new relationship personally.

I'd look at my husband like he'd grown an extra head if he bought his ex wife her favourite cakes "just because". And they don't even have a terrible relationship. It's perfectly possible to be friendly and amicable, have a healthy co parenting relationship and whatnot...without this sort of thing.

JustLyra · 10/03/2022 13:15

It never takes long for the cool wives insult to come out on these threads

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 13:17

@JustLyra

It never takes long for the cool wives insult to come out on these threads

Yes because poster's seem to think if you're not comfortable with their level of "trust" in a relationship then you must just have terrible security issues or be immature and so on...

Loads of people wouldn't want their husband or partner spending Christmas with their ex wives or buying her meaningful gifts for no apparent reason.

It's not odd or a sign of immaturity no matter how much you personally are comfortable with in your own relationship.

It's the suggestion that if you're not totally okay with your husband doing anything at all with or for his ex then you're just immature, insecure, and not ready for a relationship. It's stupid.

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 13:20

And not forgetting all the suggestions that this is just what "healthy" co parenting looks like... Erm no it's not in a lot of cases I imagine!

It could also potentially be what a cheating partner looks like too! So it's not completely inconceivable or immature for OP to be concerned.

FloBot7 · 10/03/2022 13:22

@JustLyra

It never takes long for the cool wives insult to come out on these threads

I'm not a cool wife. I just have enough respect for my husband and his right to privacy not to snoop. There's nothing posy or cool about it, it's basic human decency.

Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 13:24

I've split with the father of my kids. He'd probably keep a relationship secret from me because that's just how he is. We have a 3 and 1 yr old. I wouldn't tell him I was in a relationship unless it was serious enough for the kids to know (which would be at least a yr if not more). I bought him cakes and balloons for his birthday and a Christmas present too on behalf of my kids. I have absolutely no love for this man who absolutely ruined my life tbh. But I chose him to father my children and I choose to remain on good terms and make the kids lives as easy as possible. If someone I had dated for 7 months had issues with how I was acting then I'd finish with them simply because my life is complicated enough, co parenting is exhausting and if I date someone I want them to make my life better not more miserable.

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 13:25

@Cactuslove

I've split with the father of my kids. He'd probably keep a relationship secret from me because that's just how he is. We have a 3 and 1 yr old. I wouldn't tell him I was in a relationship unless it was serious enough for the kids to know (which would be at least a yr if not more). I bought him cakes and balloons for his birthday and a Christmas present too on behalf of my kids. I have absolutely no love for this man who absolutely ruined my life tbh. But I chose him to father my children and I choose to remain on good terms and make the kids lives as easy as possible. If someone I had dated for 7 months had issues with how I was acting then I'd finish with them simply because my life is complicated enough, co parenting is exhausting and if I date someone I want them to make my life better not more miserable.

If he text you and said he fancied some cakes (not on his birthday or at Christmas) would you drive out of your way to get him some and then tell him "as long as you're happy"?

Because if no, then it's not the same as buying the other parent a Christmas gift 'from the child' is it?

I agree she shouldn't have snooped on the phone. But I don't think it takes away from the fact that a lot of people would find that scenario odd and raise flags for them.

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 13:27

Considering he's already told OP she'd be upset if she knew he was in a relationship, she "wants more" and they apparently don't get on. Hmm.

Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 13:32

@oinker3 no you're right. But I will say that trying to co parent is really hard and you're always trying to stay friendly with them. I gave my ex a houseful of furniture and took out a loan to buy new when he left. Not sensible and not necessary but I was and am trying to do everything I can to make things easy- though he cheated on me. Perhaps as a parent reliant on the other for contact with their child he is trying to keep his ex happy. Maybe it's not appropriate but maybe its not about as simple as he still has feelings for her.... maybe he's just trying to maintain a relationship with his child. Even as friendly as I am with my ex there's always a part of me that worries he will just decide he wants to keep the kids with him. Maybe OPs partner is experiencing similar.

AwayInMyMind · 10/03/2022 13:32

I'm not a cool wife. I've just gotten older and have less insecurities as I've grown.

Not only does DP spend Xmas with his ex wife and children, he also stays at her house every month when he is seeing the children.

Would I have been okay with this in my 30's ? No because my life needs would have been different - I.would have been thinking about living with him or wanting children together. As it stands I'll never live with him and we will never have children together.

In 4 years he's never made me question anything and I've never felt jealous. I also wouldn't want to spend Christmas with him because he should be putting his children first, as do I.

Relationship can be really different the older you get.

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 13:33

@AwayInMyMind

I'm not a cool wife. I've just gotten older and have less insecurities as I've grown.

Not only does DP spend Xmas with his ex wife and children, he also stays at her house every month when he is seeing the children.

Would I have been okay with this in my 30's ? No because my life needs would have been different - I.would have been thinking about living with him or wanting children together. As it stands I'll never live with him and we will never have children together.

In 4 years he's never made me question anything and I've never felt jealous. I also wouldn't want to spend Christmas with him because he should be putting his children first, as do I.

Relationship can be really different the older you get.

Of course but I'm assuming you'd feel differently if he'd not told his ex wife about you and you'd be told she wants more?

Marvellousmadness · 10/03/2022 13:33

You will not last

He is not your person

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 13:37

[quote Cactuslove]@oinker3 no you're right. But I will say that trying to co parent is really hard and you're always trying to stay friendly with them. I gave my ex a houseful of furniture and took out a loan to buy new when he left. Not sensible and not necessary but I was and am trying to do everything I can to make things easy- though he cheated on me. Perhaps as a parent reliant on the other for contact with their child he is trying to keep his ex happy. Maybe it's not appropriate but maybe its not about as simple as he still has feelings for her.... maybe he's just trying to maintain a relationship with his child. Even as friendly as I am with my ex there's always a part of me that worries he will just decide he wants to keep the kids with him. Maybe OPs partner is experiencing similar. [/quote]
I'm not suggesting it's absolutely not innocent. It could be of course! It could just be trying to keep her sweet.

I just don't think it's right to berate OP for feeling insecure about it, making out that she must just be terribly insecure for not liking this and comparing it to scenarios that aren't like here's.

At the end of the day, this ex doesn't know she exists, he's told her that she's be upset if she knew he was in a relationship and that she wanted more, and he's now going out of his way to do gestures like this for her (and not telling OP). I think that would make MOST people in OPs situation, think for a moment!

Phone snooping aside, which I agree isn't great, it's so unfair to make out OP is just really immature and so on for not feeling comfortable.

Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 13:45

@oinker3 I get it. But I haven't berated OP. But I do think getting involved with a newly single parent is hard work! And if I was the OP or her DP I'd be wondering if it was worth it! 7 months in and checking phones, issues with the ex who will be around for decades! Sounds like a lot of trouble to me after just 7 months!

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 13:47

[quote Cactuslove]@oinker3 I get it. But I haven't berated OP. But I do think getting involved with a newly single parent is hard work! And if I was the OP or her DP I'd be wondering if it was worth it! 7 months in and checking phones, issues with the ex who will be around for decades! Sounds like a lot of trouble to me after just 7 months! [/quote]
Sorry I didn't mean to suggest you had berated the OP personally. I just meant poster's in general, should have been clearer.

girlmom21 · 10/03/2022 13:50

@ofifce12

I know, I know how it looks. It was an instant connection, he feels like my person. I'm not a young girl so i know how this looks. I admit I did look on his phone and all he does is reassure me it is me he wants. I can't work out whether its inappropriate or I'm feeling insecure

Generally when you find 'your person' you don't feel jealous or insecure.

VelvetChairGirl · 10/03/2022 13:51

my ex buys me christmas presents, I still have no idea why we are pretty much totally NC, I buy him nothing and neither does our child, we only hear from him when he wants to give christmas or birthday presents, but then he always was a strange bastard.

GlitteryGreen · 10/03/2022 13:51

@Holskey

I don't know why you're being mocked, other than standard AIBU cruelty, of course.

I agree it's inappropriate to surprise her with gifts, especially because she seems to have feelings for him. Also a red flag that he's hiding your relationship if you consider it to be serious. You don't trust him which is why you're going through his phone. I think it's better you accept this relationship isn't as strong or healthy as you thought.

I agree with this.

I'd not be happy with him surprising her with gifts or keeping the relationship secret from her.

TreatTrimTame · 10/03/2022 13:51

We spend nearly all our free time together so I don't think he is with her.

When I was much younger my friend had a baby from a casual fling / FWB relationship. The dad would come to her house every Sunday afternoon and sleep with her. She would then make them a lovely "family dinner" while he played with his son. Friend stayed single while this happened for about 8 years as the dad said he just wasn't ready for a relationship but she was his person etc etc. He worked so so hard all week and loved their family day together once a week.

In the meantime he had girlfriends in his hometown that he would spend the week with. One he even lived with for a few years. He told them he was off to see his DS and had to keep him local as his "crazy mother" would stop contact if contact wasnt near her.

Dont write the ex off, its amazing what some men will say and some women believe.

OatmilkandCookies · 10/03/2022 15:30

@JustLyra

It never takes long for the cool wives insult to come out on these threads

Oh do piss off with this nonsense

Enough4me · 10/03/2022 15:36

@TheOrigRights I'll join you, I want cake too, definitely cakes that are worth driving 7 miles for.

OP, early on things should be fun and honest, all this angst before you've really committed to each other is not a good sign.