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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he didn't need to buy his ex a present?

77 replies

ofifce12 · 10/03/2022 10:16

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We fell in love quickly, he has a young child through a casual relationship. He has said he needs time to tell the mother of his child about us as she would be upset and he's scared she will cut him off from the child.

I have told him its not fair on both of us, he has said they don't really get on but he tries for the sake of their child. He lives about an hour away from his daughter, he went to collect her and came back. I went over when she was asleep, and a text popped up from her thanking him for buying her favourite cakes. I opened the message and she said she would love these particular cakes, he said no its too far but he actually travelled 7 miles in the opposite direction to get her a box of these expensive cakes and then surprise her.

I confronted him about it but he said it wasn't a romantic gesture he just wants them to get along. aibu to think he did not need to do this

OP posts:

JudgeJ · 10/03/2022 11:31

@LittleBirdBlu

7 months in and your opening messages on his phone......

I always think that anyone, male/female, who opens someone else's phone, mail etc deserves all the heartache they get!

VelvetChairGirl · 10/03/2022 12:00

@ofifce12

I just think its a romantic gesture. It comes across as he told her no, but wanted her to be happy. He then said well as long as you're happy. Maybe its not the relationship for me, I hoped we could work it out.

I agree he should have told her about me, i'm sure if she knew about me she wouldn't be as friendly

when should he have told her? out of interest.

gannett · 10/03/2022 12:05

Going through your partner's messages after 7 months is a much bigger red flag than buying cakes for your ex and mother of your child.

ladydimitrescu · 10/03/2022 12:11

You're never going to trust him, it's only been 7 months and you're going through his phone and confronting him over his relationship with the mother of his child.
The cake thing - sure, bit odd. But you've complained how long he's spoken to her, and snooped through his messages which are much bigger red flags. Especially regarding his communication with her - they do need to speak, they have a child, and that child is what comes first.

Honestly op you're not ready for this relationship, end it now and move on.
You do sound quite insecure so I'd suggest not dating someone with children as I do suspect you'll have the same issue with another man.

loutoofoo · 10/03/2022 12:12

@ofifce12

we always go on each others phones normally, i admit i am a bit insecure about their relationship

Oh dear, well you need to grow the hell up. You're far too insecure and immature for this type of relationship. A child doesn't need you coming into their life when you hold animosity and jealousy of their mum for no reason. Do the guy a favour and leave.

loutoofoo · 10/03/2022 12:13

@ofifce12

I know, I know how it looks. It was an instant connection, he feels like my person. I'm not a young girl so i know how this looks. I admit I did look on his phone and all he does is reassure me it is me he wants. I can't work out whether its inappropriate or I'm feeling insecure

😂😂😂😂😂 howling. How old are you?

WouldIwasShookspeared · 10/03/2022 12:15

I suspect you'll find she'll be surprised to learn they are no longer in a casual relationship.

Bdhntbis · 10/03/2022 12:15

This is a red flag that 7 months in he hasn’t told her about you; when he eventually does he either admits he didn’t tell her or she’ll think your relationship is much shorter and anything you then do is too soon.
If he’s being honest that she still likes him then he’s being unfair and giving mixed signals. I’d suggest that perhaps she doesn’t know that they’re no longer casually together though

Bdhntbis · 10/03/2022 12:17

@loutoofoo that’s hardly kind is it? It is actually someone’s life

BeenHereForAges · 10/03/2022 12:18

I don't think you're wrong in feeling weird about it. Perhaps it's time to move on to someone who's a bit less complicated.

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 10/03/2022 12:18

Fuck that shit OP. You're acting in ways that are insecure. This isn't a good relationship for you. He isn't the love of your life there's no such thing

Also he's not acting in ways that are congruent to his words.

He's also being a dick by having shit boundaries with his ex. She likes him still, he knows that and then gets her surprise gifts. That really isn't fair on her and makes me think he likes the attention from her. You don't need a man who needs that sort of validation.

CowsAreNotGreen · 10/03/2022 12:20

How old is his young child? If the split is recent then they all need time as a family to adjust to how they want their relationships to be going forwards. I think he is doing mum no favours if he is going to be getting things like that if she is harbouring hopes they will get back together. Later on when they have adapted to the separation, fine.

Honestly I don't think he is "your person" whatever that means and that is ok.

lunar1 · 10/03/2022 12:23

If you've snooped through his phone and the worst you found was that he bought some cakes you probably don't need to worry. But he should run for the hills, you sound very controlling.

incognitoforthisone · 10/03/2022 12:24

Pretty sure he's leading his child's mother to believe that their 'casual relationship' is still very much active.

You've only been seeing this man for seven months and already you don't think you can trust him and are snooping through his phone as a result. This is not a good sign.

Lostmyway86 · 10/03/2022 12:39

Jeese give the OP a break. Yes it's weird buying cakes for an ex. Yes he shouldn't be hiding your relationship. You're perfectly valid to feel how you feel. And everyone getting irrate over checking a phone, chill out a bit....obviously you don't trust him and you have reason not to. There's more going on here and he's using the excuse of 'not wanting to lose his child' to do as he pleases with no respect for you. If his ex decided to withdraw contact, he could go to court to get it and it won't look good on her. I'm a SM and dealt with shit like this all the time at the start, never in a million years would I stick around now if the same thing happened but its different when you're in it so I understand your predicament.

For the poster saying her partner talks to his ex most days and spends Xmas with them.... WTAF.

EmpressSuiko · 10/03/2022 12:41

I think some people are being really harsh, you clearly feel insecure and maybe you need to think about if this is the right person for you.
You have to tread carefully when children are involved, I would think after 6 months some people would feel comfortable to say they have a new partner, others feel it’s important to wait and to know the relationship has a future.
Have you discussed when you’d be introduced to his child? It’s still very early days and his ex will always be apart of your lives, you need to think about if you’ll be comfortable with this?

JustLyra · 10/03/2022 12:43

If at this point you’re snooping on his phone and feeling like you need to try and change his relationship with his child’s mother then it’s not the relationship for you.

Being in a relationship with someone with a child is hard. Especially when the other parent is around.
If it’s this difficult and insecure in the honeymoon period then it’s going to be nigh on impossible when things are tricky later

TheOrigRights · 10/03/2022 12:44

I want a cake now [misses point]

mnetting · 10/03/2022 12:46

It's not about what's right or wrong, if you're not happy it's not right for you.

MrsGHarrison87 · 10/03/2022 12:47

You're howling? You're easily amused aren't you. OP I agree this looks like a romantic gesture. When there's a young child, things are usually complicated. I'd walk away from this.

BeKind1981 · 10/03/2022 12:50

Hi there, I can't speak for how the OW feels in your situation but I am in a lovely 'platonic' relationship with my ex. We have 2 beautiful DDs and we live in the same town. We co-parent in a very relaxed and friendly way and both have new partners. For my 40th he bought me a very lovely and thoughtful gift and I really do appreciate how we have both made life so lovely for our girls.

Both of our partners have at some point struggled with how we choose to co-parent and my partner was also insecure at first, however we are now all great friends and it just works.

I would like to say that I completely understand that for it to work we need to be on the same page and if your BFs ex does have feelings for him this will make it very difficult for you. But if the intention and agenda is right then these kind of relationships can be very innocent and all about creating the best environment for the child.

I care for my ex but we have never crossed the line as friends and I think that also makes a huge difference.

MischievousBiscuits · 10/03/2022 12:54

I think it's a concern that he hasn't mentioned you, but your relationship is still early days.
It's also a concern that you look through his phone. I think when you get to that stage in a relationship, what's even the point? Relationships are built on trust.

Ipadflowers · 10/03/2022 12:54

@ofifce12

I agree he should have told her about me, i'm sure if she knew about me she wouldn't be as friendly

Gosh so much for being in love. He buys her cakes, you snoop on his phone, and are thinking you’ll dump him.

For the record though I doubt it’s her who wants more. It’s him. No way he’s running around buying her favourite cakes just so they get on. They already get on, you can see that. She’s familiar enough she can even ask this. They get on like a house on fire.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 10/03/2022 13:03

@ofifce12

we always go on each others phones normally, i admit i am a bit insecure about their relationship

Why do you always ‘go on each other’s phones’?

You’ve got your own phone. Aside from passing DH his phone or maybe taking a call on it when he’s driving, I never ‘go on his phone’.

Why would I? I have my own phone.

Do you really mean - you go on his phone?

5YearsLeft · 10/03/2022 13:03

I went over when she was asleep

So you haven’t met his daughter either? On the assumption that she would tell her mum, or just because he thinks she’s not ready. I think the big question is how young the child is. You don’t have to say if you feel it’s outing, but just think about it for yourself. If the child is 5, yes, maybe there should be clearer boundaries in place. If the child is two, they need to have as good of a co-parenting relationship as possible because they still have a child who can’t speak clearly (in terms that every adult would understand) and tell them when something is “wrong.” They need to be comfortable talking to each other about anything regarding their daughter, because she can’t advocate for herself at all if she’s still a baby or toddler (ie telling the other one that she’s suddenly scared of the dark or something; I don’t have a great example). BUT as long as you date a man who has a child, there will be another woman in his life who is never going away, and who you should WANT him to have a good relationship with. Being in that kind of relationship isn’t for everyone, and that’s fine - it’s not wrong. Very, very best of luck, OP. I really recommend being with someone whose phone you never feel you need to check, and if you feel you’d always need to check a partner’s phone, then I recommend counseling before your next relationship.

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