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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've scraped a pass?

106 replies

M24L · 09/03/2022 17:59

Recently passed my driving test first time with 4 minors, DH has drove for the past 25 years so it was about time i got it done.

But the question is aibu to think it was just a Lucky day?

I was absolutely crying when I had passed as all my hard work paid off but recently while being in the car with DH hes picking up on things I'm doing wrong "constructive criticism" and I take on board what he says and Try to resolve it but part of me feels like should I have passed?

DH passed before we had kids so he was a young driver and had noone criticising his driving whereas now we have 2 young kids who will be in the car with me at all times so I am very cautious.

I'm not sure if it's normal to feel like this or if it was just a lucky day for me to pass.

Mistakes are putting the car into the wrong gear (couldn't seem to find 4th gear from 5th) not being in the right gear going around a corner, stalling a few times and being hesitant at junctions.

YABU - all new drivers feel quite nervous and make mistakes it will all come to you.

YANBU - you shouldn't be making mistakes gear are something you should know inside out.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 09/03/2022 19:52

the tutting when I stall etc not so much

For the record, I stalled four times during my test. I assumed I had failed and when the examiner said 'congratulations, you have passed' I was so convinced I had failed that I had to ask him to repeat it.

Just let him decide : walking home or keeping his thoughts to himself.

TheGoogleMum · 09/03/2022 19:55

The more you do it the more it becomes second nature. Being a but cautious is better than too careless! Stalling isn't as bad as people make out and you'll do it less with practice. I kept starting the car from being stopped at lights in second took me ages to break that habit...
All drivers make mistakes, it's just best to react as safely as you can and try to move on (I find dwelling on mistakes and getting upset just makes me make more mistakes)

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/03/2022 19:59

I really can't be doing too bad of a job if it only takes me 5 mins more than it does him to get to his work.

Are you serious OP??! This is the most worrying thing you've written. You don't measure the quality of your driving by how quickly you get from A to B. You can be a dangerous driver regardless of speed. This really concerns me and suddenly I'm thinking maybe your DH has a point. Or maybe you're both appalling drivers but you drive badly at different speeds.

ElegantlyTouched · 09/03/2022 19:59

I've not long passed. DP will give tips, but has checked it's ok that he does so, and it's stuff about road types I've not been on before (eg v steep hills). I've stalled more recently than in lessons but he doesn't say a word unless I ask.

Tell your OH to keep quiet or walk.

AliceIntWunderland · 09/03/2022 20:06

4 minors is a really good pass! Well done. But your husband also has 25 years experience and is probably only trying to share some of that.

WeirdlyKind · 09/03/2022 20:06

Now is when you really learn to drive. Your oh isn't helping - he needs to stay quiet.

RedHelenB · 09/03/2022 20:09

Try and practice as much as you can alone in the car. You'll soon grow in confidence. My dd had improved so much from getting her first car after about 6 months.

Katkinsgreyy · 09/03/2022 20:10

Congrats for passing!! Smile

I think when you've been driving for so long, it can be quite nerve racking to be the passenger and not have control. For me anyway, I have to really bite my tongue when dp drives!

I think you should try to drive more without him in the car. Gain confidence and your own driving style. He might have more experience, but it doesn't necessarily mean he is always right.

TheUsualShitshow · 09/03/2022 20:16

I think you are WAY overthinking this.

He's being your bog standard superior misogynistic prick who thinks women are shit drivers 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's really not about your driving skills.

Original poster
M24L · 09/03/2022 20:21

@hundredmilesanhour sorry if that's the way you've taken that I don't judge my driving on the length of time etc I was simply meaning that the stalling and hesitation can't be that bad if there's only a small difference in time. I suppose no matter what way I word that it could still be taken out of context

OP posts:
YouOKhun · 09/03/2022 20:23

@SeasonFinale

Let him drive to and from work and then just swap into the driver seat when you get there.

Then criticise his driving all the way there.

Then get a bit more experience without him in the car but don't let him knock your confidence or put you down.

Yes, I was about to say the same. I would stop driving him for the next 3 months and just get on with driving on your own or with your children. You’re a qualified driver now. Don’t allow Stirling Moss to give you any more critiques because making you self conscious and nervous is not going to make you safer, rather the opposite. You will learn far more in the next few months and no doubt you will make some errors which would have got you into trouble in a test; we all do. You could do a Pass Plus which will give you a bit of further coaching and may help lower your insurance cost (not all companies take Pass Plus into account). It may add to your confidence and skills and will be with someone qualified. The main thing is to practice practice practice, but not with him in the car at this stage.
Howtosplitit · 09/03/2022 20:23

[quote M24L]@HollowTalk thank you I'm going to give that a try and see how I get on, I can go up the gears no problem and have no problem going down them other than going from 5th to 4th I've managed to do it a few times but I'm such a worrier so I'm constantly panicking incase I don't get it so I'm tending to move it from 5th to what I think is 4th then keeping my foot down on the clutch until I've slowed enough to get in to 3rd gear which isn't good as I'm technically coasting 😳[/quote]
I’ve been driving for 6 years, passed in my 30’s too, 1st time. I still stall occasionally. I can’t go from 5th to 4th. I actually go from 5th, put it in 3rd with the clutch down and then slot it into 4th that way, it’s much easier for me for some reason.

You’ll pick up you’re own wee ways of doing things and if your husband doesn’t like it he can fuck off and put his feet to the pavement instead. I nearly out my partner out on the motorway one day for one small criticism, he’s not done it again.

Original poster
M24L · 09/03/2022 20:27

@howtosplitit I never thought of trying that, another thing for me to keep in mind so thank you. I've been managing it the last 2 days but the worry of it being in 2nd is horrible.

OP posts:
chillied · 09/03/2022 20:29

your DH is a back seat driver. Nightmare.

So is mine.

I've been driving since I was 17, never had an accident. DH still feels free to criticise

SO my policy is I don't drive him.

Drive to his work to pick him up. Get him to drive home. It's the only way. Do not discuss your driving with him. It's none of his business. You sound a perfectly safe, cautious, careful driver.

catwomando · 09/03/2022 21:10

My ex DH used to criticise my driving. I asked him not to. He continued. I told him not to. He continued. I told him to stop. He continued. So I stopped the car and told him to shut up or get out. He shut up. Grin

Suggest you do the same.

TheUsualShitshow · 09/03/2022 21:44

Oh for goodness sake don't become one of those woman who get out of the car and shuffle round to the passenger side to let their husband take control Confused

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/03/2022 21:56

I passed 17 years ago and I did lots of things like stall, hesitate a bit, go around corners a little to slow/fast. It's normal when you first start driving. Tell your husband to butt out!

Him commenting, however well intentioned will just make you more nervous.

I didn't enjoy driving in the first year - I found it hard and quite stressful but it seemed to click all of a sudden and I have been fine since.

Avocadobacardi · 09/03/2022 22:14

He’s being an idiot. My DP hates my driving. I refuse to drive him. He’s insured on my car so if I drop or pick him up from anywhere he drives my car. You are fine, just don’t drive with him

Ljmumun · 09/03/2022 23:02

Tell him to shut up. Its normal . My DH can be the same. He now can't drive due to sight issue and tried to tell me how to park / drive once to often . I pointed out I was the one who could see. Harsh but true . Some men just feel they need to comment. My DS tried it recently too. I pointed out I taught him to drive and if he wanted my car again to not comment. Its a man thing! Go out without him

Duchess379 · 09/03/2022 23:32

You're husband is a dick & is mansplaining! Go out on trips by yourself to build up your confidence. And when you both go out & he drives, critique his driving & see how he likes it.. '..my driving instructor told me to do it like this...' 👍🏼😉

Poppins2016 · 10/03/2022 02:47

One other thing you could do to ease your worry is to practice lots in situations where it doesn't matter if you accidentally select the wrong gear. Choose a moment when you're on a nice straight bit of road with nobody behind you and go through the motions a couple of times. Keep practicing every so often until you're confident - you'll learn through repetition if nothing else. What did your instructor suggest doing?

Poppins2016 · 10/03/2022 02:48

^ that was meant to quote the post about moving from fifth to fourth gear!

Flazeda · 10/03/2022 04:44

He's undermining your confidence which is making you feel nervous, it's no wonder you're over analysing everything.

I'm with everybody else in saying to him, shut up or walk.

Bogeyes · 10/03/2022 05:12

You will improve without this idiots interference. Go out alone and gain experience without his damaging negative comments. I had a friend who's partner criticised their driving she lost all confidence and refused to drive afterwards. Please don't let your husband control you. He's an idiot

ChuckBerrysBoots · 10/03/2022 05:23

I passed in my 30s too and feel similar to you although DH is largely supportive. One thing that helped me initially was rehearsing journeys on Google maps so I was familiar with the road layout etc. Now I tend to use satnav for everything, even quite familiar journeys, as for some reason I find it eases the mental load and I can concentrate on the mechanics of driving.