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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away from elderly mil

98 replies

Turtley · 09/03/2022 13:28

We currently live in a house with a tiny garden and annoying neighbours. It also needs work and double glazing that we simply can’t afford it’s absolutely freezing and I cannot afford the heating on now while the children are at school. We can’t remortgage or downsize in our area, houses are just too expensive. We’ve spoken about the possibility of moving away for years but we’ve got to the point now that with increasing bills we’re quite literally broke every month and we’d really started looking into what we can get and where in the past few months but dh has now said he’s not sure he can leave his mum.
Dh mum is elderly now, although not in bad health for her age. She lives in her own home and dh brother still lives with her, his other brother is also very close by and neither work so are on hand to help her.
We found an area we really like 3 and a half hours away, we could pay off the mortgage and buy a bigger house with a garden, outright! No more mortgage! We would actually have money left each month to enjoy life with!
Aibu to think we should move?

OP posts:
frustratedashell · 09/03/2022 13:30

Go for it

Suzi888 · 09/03/2022 13:31

YANBU to want to move. Your points are completely valid and it makes financial sense. MIL has other sons to depend on….

But there’s not a chance I’d leave my mum if my DH asked me to move that far. Sad

Brefugee · 09/03/2022 13:34

YANBU to want to move. Your DH is NBU to want to stay close to his mum.

Cloudsanddaffodils · 09/03/2022 13:34

Move. DMIL has 2 sons who should step up and help her out!

A580Hojas · 09/03/2022 13:38

If your DH doesn't want to go what can you do? 3.5 hours is quite a long distance away. Isn't there a compromise somewhere more reasonable. What about your jobs?

LizDoingTheCanCan · 09/03/2022 13:39

What does your husband want to do?

OneGoodTurn · 09/03/2022 13:43

It sounds great in theory but it is a BIG move and you need to both be on board with it. Neither of you are BU.

Original poster
Turtley · 09/03/2022 13:46

Dh was all for it but now it’s got closer to actually doing it he’s clearly having second thoughts. I have nothing to stay here for I work part time from home. Dh can work anywhere so that’s not a problem.
I have one dc in year 5 and one in year 8 who is miserable at school so may need to change anyway!
The thing that most bothers me about dh s point is that he doesn’t even visit mil very often, probably once a month because he doesn’t get on with the brother who lives with her.
There is nothing I can do if he decides he wants to stay here other than leave him which if I’m totally honest has crossed my mind I’m that miserable here.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 09/03/2022 13:51

Ask yourself what life you would want for your adult DC in the prime of their life and assume your MIL would want the same. Surely no one would allow their adult DC to curtail their opportunities to be on hand to 'help out'. That's what we scrimp and save for.
Having said that, if your DH doesn't want to it's a non starter.

GoldFigure · 09/03/2022 13:57

YANBU but he's got equal voting rights. I'm sure there is some middle ground here if 3.5 hours away is a bit much.

hoorayandupsherises · 09/03/2022 14:05

Could you discuss how to work him seeing his mum once he moves away? If you would be prepared to do solo parenting for X number of weekends for example. You might be able to show him that he can see her just as much if not more. As he was on board with it previously it sounds like cold feet.

Original poster
Turtley · 09/03/2022 14:19

3 and a half hours does sound a long way but we really have looked and without moving to a rougher area within our price range that’s genuinely the closest area!

@hoorayandupsherises that’s a good thought, I’d absolutely sole parent for him to go see her. I have my own parents I’d want to come back to visit sometimes as well, although they’re not elderly and we’re not close but my dc would want to see them.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/03/2022 14:23

If you moved, your MIL might be able to come to stay for a few days every few weeks. Would you be happy with that?

FleeceNavidadFromTheSheep · 09/03/2022 14:27

It's a good time to move the DC. You won't be able to once they start GCSE courses and secondary school.

What are the travel links like, and the costs? You don't want it to become a massive chore to get back if you need to.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/03/2022 14:29

Def move. He could do that trip to visit her more than once a month when you move. It's not that far.

Igmum · 09/03/2022 14:31

Move and visit for weekends (but yes DH gets a vote too)

Original poster
Turtley · 09/03/2022 14:36

I wouldn’t object to anyone staying with us. Wed also have a bit of money left over for a newer car as dhs is old now! And dh suggested I’d be able to actually learn to drive and we could afford a car for me as well. I could have some freedom without relying on him all the time.
Dhs cold feet have just got me feeling very down about it all right now. Im just struggling to see a good enough reason not to just go.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 09/03/2022 14:44

@Suzi888

YANBU to want to move. Your points are completely valid and it makes financial sense. MIL has other sons to depend on….

But there’s not a chance I’d leave my mum if my DH asked me to move that far. Sad

I agree . We moved closer to both sets of parents as they got more frail and elderly equidistant between them which still meant just under two hours away but much easier than the four hours minimum it had been. The long journey when my mother was in hospital was incredibly stressful. In your place I would try and find something closer. Relying on siblings to take up most of the care when a parent ages leads to resentment, and isn’t fair on anyone, much easier if you all work together .
TheHoptimist · 09/03/2022 15:07

3.5 house driving is London to North Yorkshire
Or North Yorkshire to mid Scotland

I find it hard to believe that there is nothing in between your 2 areas

Heyahun · 09/03/2022 15:10

its not very far at all tbh! id deffo go and go back regularly!

I travel to ireland pretty much every 6 weeks or so with my daughter for a long weekendt to see my parents and that take about 6 hours door to door each way! they also come to stay with us

is your MIL able to travel still would she come to visit/stay?

TricksAnd · 09/03/2022 15:31

Can you tell us roughly where you live? 3.5 hours does seem excessive.

I couldn't leave my parents in that situation.

Roselilly36 · 09/03/2022 15:33

YANBU we were in a very similar situation 18mths ago. Needed to downsize due to my disability, impossible where we used to live, we moved to a location we loved, also 3.5hrs away. MIL was upset about it, that is our only regret, but we definitely don’t regret the move, best thing we did. Yes 3.5 is a fair distance, but it’s not the otherside of the world either. MIL still had a lot of family around her, we would never had considered it otherwise.

Original poster
Turtley · 09/03/2022 15:47

We are kent currently and looking at an area in north Lincolnshire which I believe to be nice as we’ve had a holiday near it a few years ago. Maps says it’s 3 and a half hour drive from us now. If anyone has any ideas of something closer but still a niceish area I’m totally open to suggestions! Realistically 225,000 is the most we can pay for a 3 bed. I don’t want to move into a rough area though! Would defeat the object of a better life.

OP posts:
MangoLipstick · 09/03/2022 15:48

YANBU in wanting to move. You have to think of your happiness too.

I can understand your dhs apprehension though.

In the grand scheme of things, you are not on the other side of the world and mil is not on her own.
We actually saw more of our families when we lived further away (5 hour drive) as we would stay for long weekends more often.

MangoLipstick · 09/03/2022 15:53
  • I was meant to add, I wouldn’t want to be that far from my own parents. We moved a few years ago to buy our home & are 90 mins away now.