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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move away from elderly mil

98 replies

Turtley · 09/03/2022 13:28

We currently live in a house with a tiny garden and annoying neighbours. It also needs work and double glazing that we simply can’t afford it’s absolutely freezing and I cannot afford the heating on now while the children are at school. We can’t remortgage or downsize in our area, houses are just too expensive. We’ve spoken about the possibility of moving away for years but we’ve got to the point now that with increasing bills we’re quite literally broke every month and we’d really started looking into what we can get and where in the past few months but dh has now said he’s not sure he can leave his mum.
Dh mum is elderly now, although not in bad health for her age. She lives in her own home and dh brother still lives with her, his other brother is also very close by and neither work so are on hand to help her.
We found an area we really like 3 and a half hours away, we could pay off the mortgage and buy a bigger house with a garden, outright! No more mortgage! We would actually have money left each month to enjoy life with!
Aibu to think we should move?

OP posts:

BigupPemberleyMassive · 09/03/2022 15:56

Schedule a monthly overnight visit for DH plus maybe her coming to stay for a week three times a year. You could travel with him every 6 weeks or so.

That would be more than he's seeing her now.

bossox · 09/03/2022 16:03

If you have already mentioned it to MIL what was her view?

If you haven't, you should discuss it with her. Her reply might surprise you and be very encouraging!

Original poster

Turtley · 09/03/2022 16:09

It’s not been mentioned to anyone yet I know my mother will be dead against it but that’s a whole other issue, I really don’t dmil will be against it especially since she herself moved to a different country herself away from her parents and siblings.
I totally understand his apprehension about moving it’s a big deal we’ve both lived in the area our whole lives but I think we need this change it’s not an area of many good memories anymore

OP posts:

DetailMouse · 09/03/2022 16:16

Living 3 hours away from elderly parents as they become more frail and needy is absolutely exhausting. It depends how much you'd expect/want to be around for them but don't under estimate how hard it can be.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/03/2022 16:23

I'm putting myself in the position of this MiL.

Were I her, there is no way in hell I'd want to be a burden on my child. I would really not like the idea that they were pinched for money every month when they could afford a better property and better quality of life elsewhere, were they not staying put out of a sense of duty and obligation to me. I'd also want them, as parents, to do what was in the best interests of their children.

I know my own mother would have felt the same way (and wish with all my heart she'd lived long enough for me to have to worry about her in her old age). But not all mothers are like mine.

I don't think expecting your adult offspring to put their lives on hold - effectively until you die - is at all reasonable. I'd also not be too sold on the idea that they were waiting for me to cark it as the only condition to their freedom. And their priority should be to do what's best for their family; I'd have had my turn.

OP, YANBU.

ExConstance · 09/03/2022 16:29

Surely DH can go back to see his mother for a weekend from time to time, and help her when he is there, perhaps doing bigger tasks than the other brothers who just pop in. My mother died a few years back, aged 92. In her final years she was not in bad health but needed help shopping and support when going out. I used to go "home" ever month or so, and I'd take her out, help her clothes shopping and with groceries. Other closer relations would just pop in to see her or take her round something they had cooked or baked. It worked quite well. I'd sometimes go and stay for a week in the summer and then my brother could go on holiday without any worries.

Thewindwhispers · 09/03/2022 16:29

Yanbu to want to move. Yabvvu to expect your DH to move 3.5 hrs away from his mother and two brothers who all live newrby to your current home.

Move 2 hr away. There is virtually no location in England that does not have much cheaper housing within a one hour drive.

Thewindwhispers · 09/03/2022 16:30

Meant to type move ONE hour away 😬

Seasidemumma77 · 09/03/2022 16:40

Go for it. You are only moving 3.5hrs away. My dm moved abroad 5yrs ago and dp's parents just moved 8hrs away. You can't put your life on hold just because your mil's health or circumstances may change in the near or distant future.

DetailMouse · 09/03/2022 16:44

@Thewindwhispers

Yanbu to want to move. Yabvvu to expect your DH to move 3.5 hrs away from his mother and two brothers who all live newrby to your current home.

Move 2 hr away. There is virtually no location in England that does not have much cheaper housing within a one hour drive.

Of course there is. I live in a "cheap" part of the SE. I'd have to go and very long way to find somewhere that would leave me in the circumstances OP is aiming for, even though relative to many parts of the country, my house is very expensive.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 09/03/2022 16:50

Also, you're looking for a three bed for how many people? Is it just you and DH?

It would be cheaper to get a one bed then pay for air BnB for visitors you would normally put up in your spare room. Then you could maybe move 1 hour away. I'm sure you could get a one bed flat, no mortgage within your budget.

Catfox1 · 09/03/2022 16:53

My parents were the ones who got left to look after my grandparents whilst their siblings moved away and didn’t pull their weight. I know you think you’ll be around to help but it’ll be the little things, getting them milk, quick hospital/dr appointment. It does get a bit much for the ones left at home. Sure you’ll work something out though!

Cognoscenti · 09/03/2022 17:08

YANBU. There is no obligation to stay near to elderly parents, it is nice to help if you happen to be nearby, but you absolutely shouldn't stay simply to be close enough to help out. DP's elderly grandparents live very close to his parents, and I know they feel completely worn out as they feel the need to help whilst working and looking after their own kids.
In my old age, I'd be absolutely mortified and probably quite peeved if one of my kids have up the chance of living mortgage-free in a better house and area because of me - I didn't have them so I'd have someone to constantly look after me in my old age, that's not fair.

Original poster

Turtley · 09/03/2022 17:08

Well considering dh brother lives in mil house for free has no dc/wife of his own and no job and no intention of having either. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he pulls his weight and takes her for her odd trips to be honest.

I have 2 dc so we need a 3 bed house.

Also I think it’s unfair to say I’m expecting my dh to move away when the whole moving thing was very joint up til yesterday and dh is the one that insists on moving within a short drive of a beach!
I cannot make my dh do anything nor would I want him to be unhappy but I have spent the last 4 years miserable here myself and to potentially have to wait 10/15 more to have something of a life is utterly depressing.

OP posts:

BigupPemberleyMassive · 09/03/2022 17:19

If the brother lives there and is providing the bulk of the care, it might be worth having an open honest discussion with him. Say you can't afford to live here anymore and how does he feel about that?

Maybe even dh's mother selling, downsizing getting a 2 bed in the new area as dB doesn't have a job tying him to the place.

Or selling and downsizing in the same area they are now, giving DH some of the extra money to put towards mortgage payments so that he can stay local.

Or if it's agreed that you move, DH visits every fortnight or monthly or whatever BUT also acknowledge that DH has no claim in inheritance.

Think about it.

AlmostMaybe · 09/03/2022 17:20

Not unreasonable at all OP. You’ve said he only sees his mum once a month anyway. If she needs anything immediately, has a fall or an accident, she has 2 other sons near. And your husband could be there in a few hours. It’s a no brainer for the positives it would bring to your life.

Gemmathecat · 09/03/2022 17:32

She’s got other minions nearby. Her other son lives with her YANBU and live your life for you not her

Georgeskitchen · 09/03/2022 17:46

YNBU
Your MIL is not being abandoned. She still has family close by

Gazelda · 09/03/2022 17:58

@Georgeskitchen

YNBU Your MIL is not being abandoned. She still has family close by

But if I were one of the brothers, I'd feel hugely taken for granted.

Despite them both apparently being a waste of space, they deserve to be told of your plans before they become concrete so they have the opportunity to voice their opinion.

Supersimkin2 · 09/03/2022 18:10

YANBU. If she’s 70 now, you’ll be stuck for the next 25 years.

Old age dependency lasts way longer than childhood dependency.

twominutesmore · 09/03/2022 18:11

Do you think your dh just loves his mum and brothers, and likes living nearby, and doesn't want to be so far away?

All of your reasons to move are valid but I would not move that far away from my parents and siblings for anything.

Original poster

Turtley · 09/03/2022 18:12

@Gazelda I don’t believe I have ever said his brothers are a waste of space?!

OP posts:

Gazelda · 09/03/2022 18:35

[quote Turtley]@Gazelda I don’t believe I have ever said his brothers are a waste of space?![/quote]
No, you didn't to be fair. I apologise.

Takingabreakagain · 09/03/2022 18:47

I don't understand why it is up to the brothers whether OP and her DH move? No one is obliged to provide care to anyone now or in the future.
Surely MIL like most parents would want her children and grandchildren to have the best life they could?

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2022 18:56

@Turtley

3 and a half hours does sound a long way but we really have looked and without moving to a rougher area within our price range that’s genuinely the closest area!

@hoorayandupsherises that’s a good thought, I’d absolutely sole parent for him to go see her. I have my own parents I’d want to come back to visit sometimes as well, although they’re not elderly and we’re not close but my dc would want to see them.

Could MiL come and stay with you sometimes?

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