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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move away from elderly mil

98 replies

Turtley · 09/03/2022 13:28

We currently live in a house with a tiny garden and annoying neighbours. It also needs work and double glazing that we simply can’t afford it’s absolutely freezing and I cannot afford the heating on now while the children are at school. We can’t remortgage or downsize in our area, houses are just too expensive. We’ve spoken about the possibility of moving away for years but we’ve got to the point now that with increasing bills we’re quite literally broke every month and we’d really started looking into what we can get and where in the past few months but dh has now said he’s not sure he can leave his mum.
Dh mum is elderly now, although not in bad health for her age. She lives in her own home and dh brother still lives with her, his other brother is also very close by and neither work so are on hand to help her.
We found an area we really like 3 and a half hours away, we could pay off the mortgage and buy a bigger house with a garden, outright! No more mortgage! We would actually have money left each month to enjoy life with!
Aibu to think we should move?

OP posts:

Iamnotamermaid · 10/03/2022 18:25

I would move in your position. It makes financial sense and you will be half a day away (3 hour drive). You need to adapt to your family's needs and requirements.

There are dh brothers on hand in case she needs immediate assistance. Just come to an agreement with dh that you will visit her often ( say once a month).

billy1966 · 10/03/2022 18:32

@AlmostMaybe

Not unreasonable at all OP. You’ve said he only sees his mum once a month anyway. If she needs anything immediately, has a fall or an accident, she has 2 other sons near. And your husband could be there in a few hours. It’s a no brainer for the positives it would bring to your life.

This.

You have been miserable for a long time.

Visiting once a month is very little and far to little to dictate where you live.

Unicornspirit · 10/03/2022 18:36

I'm doing the same thing. Kent to North East though so 6 ish hours away from my family. I'm sick to death of struggling. I have no hope of buying a house here, can't and won't pay the ridiculous private rental prices.
I dread to think what it will be like when my child wants to buy so I'm thinking long term of her future too. You can't live your life for others, you can still visit, they can visit, quality of life will be better and you'll hopefully be very happy. Go for it.

MrsPnut · 10/03/2022 18:46

I can do from near Lincoln to Folkstone in under 4 hours, in fact I did from here to WGC in Herts at the weekend in under 2 hours.

We live 2 hours from each set of family and because we are quite close to A1, it isn't much hassle going to see them.

axolotlfloof · 10/03/2022 18:49

It's a huge move though.
How much time have you spent in Grimsby in the last few years?
I get why your husband has cold feet.

Original poster

Turtley · 10/03/2022 18:53

I thought the thread would have died off by now it was more of a frustrated rant to be honest.
The trip is roughly 3 and a half hours we’ve driven it before.
Mil is 81 but generally in good health and people from her country tend to live longer. She has a large house but doesn’t want to move away from the house she’s spent so many years in but it means dh can stay when he visits her!
Bil cannot get a job now for reasons I won’t go into and is perfectly happy living with her so in return for no rent etc he takes her shopping doctors etc and generally helps around the house ( although he will have to step up and cut his own grass and trees!).
We were always going to move away to a quieter area.
Im not making my dh move away from his family that he barely sees anyway as he doesn’t even get on well with them (other than mil). I’m moving from my few friends and family as well!
As for those telling me to work full time to solve all my problems, right now, for reasons I don’t wish to discuss with strangers, it’s just not an option.
We have to move somewhere and since dh destroyed his credit rating a mortgage is not an option. To move a fair distance away would get rid of dh debt and improve everyone’s quality of life, and generally I’d have more freedom even in the middle of nowhere because I could afford to drive!
Right now yes we’re close to London and good shops etc but we have no money to go anywhere anyway!

OP posts:

Original poster

Turtley · 10/03/2022 18:54

Also right now it’s just a case of finding an area within budget that we like, it’s not a dead set on anywhere.

OP posts:

axolotlfloof · 10/03/2022 18:55

Although I understand the desire to be mortgage free, I am not sure why you have chosen Grimsby.
You could be mortgage free somewhere nice in the North East (around Durham), or Somerset (Taunton) or lots of places in Wales.
I have lived near Grimsby and I don't think I would pick there if I didn't have family close by.

MurmuratingStarling · 10/03/2022 18:56

How old is your MIL? Elderly as in 65, or elderly as in 95?

ChoiceMummy · 10/03/2022 18:58

@MrsPnut

I can do from near Lincoln to Folkstone in under 4 hours, in fact I did from here to WGC in Herts at the weekend in under 2 hours.

We live 2 hours from each set of family and because we are quite close to A1, it isn't much hassle going to see them.

Bit is that at ridiculous o'clock? And how often has it been a lot longer?

Rhannion · 10/03/2022 19:01

Grab your chance to move. Costs are going to get higher and paying off your mortgage will be a huge relief.
The brother in laws should take their turn.
Put your families needs first.

Xmasbaby11 · 10/03/2022 19:16

Yanbu. It would be great for your family to relocate. It just doesn't seem like dh is at all close to his family so I'd be frustrated if that's his reason for staying.

nonononone · 10/03/2022 19:18

Im toying with the idea of the isle of wight or south wiltshire/somerset. My grandchildren are in Devizes, it seems a nice town.

toconclude · 10/03/2022 19:21

@Thewindwhispers

Yanbu to want to move. Yabvvu to expect your DH to move 3.5 hrs away from his mother and two brothers who all live newrby to your current home.

Move 2 hr away. There is virtually no location in England that does not have much cheaper housing within a one hour drive.

Hahahaha Someone doesn't live in the south east

MrsPnut · 10/03/2022 19:25

@ChoiceMummy We drove down at 2pm on Saturday. Was slightly quicker coming home on Sunday morning.
4 hours to Folkstone is easily doable even arriving for an afternoon shuttle.

1FootInTheRave · 10/03/2022 19:31

I would move. Especially as no guarantee as to what mils needs may or may not be.

Appreciate the emotional side from your dh as I'm not sure I could leave my elderly grandma tbh. However, young kids and mortgage free has to be a huge consideration.

Fwiw, my aunt lives about 2 hours away and see's my gran frequently. For longer periods and better quality than she likely would if she were closer.

nokidshere · 10/03/2022 19:34

I don't think expecting your adult offspring to put their lives on hold - effectively until you die - is at all reasonable. I'd also not be too sold on the idea that they were waiting for me to cark it as the only condition to their freedom. And their priority should be to do what's best for their family; I'd have had my turn.

The MIL hasn't done any such thing, she doesn't even know about it yet. The DH wants to stay close to his mum.

Polyanthus2 · 10/03/2022 19:36

I would move - worth it to remove the financial stresses

Lzzyisgod · 10/03/2022 19:45

I'd take 3 and half hours with a pinch of salt - get stuck behind a lorry or tractor or caravan in the summer on a single carriage A road coming through Lincs and you're following it much of the way

I think you need to really think with rational head. Yes property can be cheap in comparison to other areas of the country but like everywhere you need to pick your area. And spend some time there at varying times of the year to see how it changes through the seasons

Saying that there are some lovely areas that are still pretty reasonable house price wise in Liincolnshire ( so before you get to North lincs) i saw upthread you discounted Gainsborough for example - well yes as a town its quite deprived but some of the surrounding villages are lovely and it does have a grammar school.

The other place I always am surprised by is newark. Yes the traffic at rush hour is quite frankly appalling and yes some areas are less than desirable but as a town its very pretty and quaint and travel links are brilliant compared to Lincs as a whole.

I think what I'm saying is research research research

PermanentTemporary · 10/03/2022 20:24

Oof Kent to Lincolnshire is a tough one but I totally get what you're thinking.

What are house prices in Calais like??

PermanentTemporary · 10/03/2022 20:27

Like this

Leaving some financial space for what I've no doubt are v expensive legals to move there...

Pleasebeafleabite · 10/03/2022 20:39

I doubt this is anything to do with your MIL to be fair. Who the fuck wants to move to Grimsby

Xpologog · 10/03/2022 21:12

YANBU. It’s not like your mil is going to be alone, isolated, never see anyone.
I’m not elderly but I’m widowed, live alone and I’d never expect either of my dc to think they couldn’t move wherever they wanted to because of me.
3 and a half hours is doable for weekend visits.

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