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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away from elderly mil

98 replies

Turtley · 09/03/2022 13:28

We currently live in a house with a tiny garden and annoying neighbours. It also needs work and double glazing that we simply can’t afford it’s absolutely freezing and I cannot afford the heating on now while the children are at school. We can’t remortgage or downsize in our area, houses are just too expensive. We’ve spoken about the possibility of moving away for years but we’ve got to the point now that with increasing bills we’re quite literally broke every month and we’d really started looking into what we can get and where in the past few months but dh has now said he’s not sure he can leave his mum.
Dh mum is elderly now, although not in bad health for her age. She lives in her own home and dh brother still lives with her, his other brother is also very close by and neither work so are on hand to help her.
We found an area we really like 3 and a half hours away, we could pay off the mortgage and buy a bigger house with a garden, outright! No more mortgage! We would actually have money left each month to enjoy life with!
Aibu to think we should move?

OP posts:
BoristalkedaboutBruno22 · 09/03/2022 18:58

Chatham?

TheHoptimist · 09/03/2022 23:26

North Lincolnshire- being where? Scunthorpe?

Much of Lincolnshire is socially deprived with limited well paid jobs (hence scehap housing) and rural deprivation.

Suzi888 · 10/03/2022 06:06

@hoorayandupsherises

Could you discuss how to work him seeing his mum once he moves away? If you would be prepared to do solo parenting for X number of weekends for example. You might be able to show him that he can see her just as much if not more. As he was on board with it previously it sounds like cold feet.
^ That’s a good idea. I see my DM a few times a week and take her out - wouldn’t work for me but your DH sees his DM once a month so I can’t see a problem. He would have to spend the night though, a 3.5 hr one way journey is a lot! (For me anyway!)
Polyanthus2 · 10/03/2022 06:24

Do you say how old DMIL is? 72 ?? 92??

Toddlerteaplease · 10/03/2022 06:30

North Lincolnshire, as in Skegness, Cleethorpes, Grimsby? It's cheap for a reason. And some areas are very rough!

Original poster
Turtley · 10/03/2022 06:45

@Toddlerteaplease We’ve looked at a village in outskirts of Grimsby which has a development of new builds.
There was Gainsborough and also mablethorpe which was even cheaper but we decided against both of those

OP posts:
kookievee · 10/03/2022 06:45

OP I live in quite an expensive area for my region but doing a quick search finds plenty of 3 bed houses under £225k.

The 'rougher' areas here are not really that bad- but those houses are cheaper still.

We are Worcestershire and Google maps says almost 4 hours to Maidstone so here wouldn't work but there must be somewhere.

Maybe do a new post in property asking where can you move for you budget with good schools and your wish list and you'll be flooded with suggestions that are potentially nearer than 3.5hours.

TheHoptimist · 10/03/2022 07:15

[quote Turtley]@Toddlerteaplease We’ve looked at a village in outskirts of Grimsby which has a development of new builds.
There was Gainsborough and also mablethorpe which was even cheaper but we decided against both of those[/quote]
Your really need to rent there for at least a year before you buy

There is a reason that Grimsby is cheap. massive coastal social deprivation. Drugs and alchohol issues. Lack of well paid jobs, schools tend to be poor (there are some exceptions). Limited retail, very little to do socially.

Consider why people leave the area for university and don't return.

House prices unlikely to rise much, unlike the SE, so you would never be able to return.

toomuchlaundry · 10/03/2022 07:29

How old is MIL? Why don’t the brothers work?

Pipsquiggle · 10/03/2022 07:50

There's a lot of deprivation up there so you really need to get the location right as you could live in a nice village E.g Beverley, but your DC could go to a shit school with large catchment

Worcestershire is a good shout from a pp. There are lovely towns /villages near Manchester.

I think you need to look at satellite towns /villages to cities with better opportunities than Hull - unless it's completely changed over the last 20 years.

I would move away though. Sounds like your MIL has a support network and your DH isn't massively involved. No need to stay in expensive Kent, in a crappy house with DC not happy at school.

StripyOnesie · 10/03/2022 08:00

Outskirts of hull and surrounding villages are lovely, lots nicer than Grimsby.

RedHelenB · 10/03/2022 09:10

Given the ages of the children there is a solution which is for you to earn more money by working full time which means you could probably stay closer to his mum. If it was gender reversal then I think you'd get more yabu.

Sciurus83 · 10/03/2022 09:21

PP Hull has changed a lot in the last 20 years actually, its a fantastic place to live. There is a vibrant arts and music scene and some beautiful houses at affordable prices. North Lincs however is pretty deprived, you need to look hard at the schools. HU5 postcode in Hull is nice, Beverly, in Lincs the Wolds villages like Louth, Horncastle are worth a look but definitely don't just buy without living there a bit first there are some right dives you wouldn't want to bring kids up in no matter how beautiful the nearby beaches are

BeyondMyWits · 10/03/2022 09:25

Would say it is a bit far if it is not for a dream house/job etc.

Try driving half way there every time you visit MIL for a couple of months. See what an absolute drag it will be. She's getting elderly(?) so is unlikely to want to make the trip to you.

My dad moved long distance just after I had kids. He had no relationship with them outside of a visit every year or so in the end. So would also think of how you want to keep their relationship going.

It's easy to say just move. Your DH may be wondering about practicality.

Holly60 · 10/03/2022 09:34

I don’t think you’ve really thought about the reality of moving from Kent to north Lincolnshire. I think it would be a massive culture shock and I wouldn’t be surprised if your children struggled with it to be honest…

Holly60 · 10/03/2022 09:36

And yes I agree with PP saying if it was reversed and you were on here saying your partner is trying to get you to move 3 + hours away when you don’t want to, we’d all be saying your partner is being unreasonable. If your husband doesn’t want to do it you are going to have to find a compromise.

ChoiceMummy · 10/03/2022 10:18

@Turtley

We are kent currently and looking at an area in north Lincolnshire which I believe to be nice as we’ve had a holiday near it a few years ago. Maps says it’s 3 and a half hour drive from us now. If anyone has any ideas of something closer but still a niceish area I’m totally open to suggestions! Realistically 225,000 is the most we can pay for a 3 bed. I don’t want to move into a rough area though! Would defeat the object of a better life.
Have you looked further south?

Fwiw, I have travelled Kent to Leicester, Northampton, grimsby in the past and that 3.5 hours suggestion is not the reality of those journeys on the whole. Most times at least an hour more, then add in loo breaks etc, much more.

TheHoptimist · 10/03/2022 15:25

Corby or Kettering is a better option

Ponoka7 · 10/03/2022 15:32

I think that you should go. But re the single glazed windows, were you not eligible for grants to replace them?

Cognoscenti · 10/03/2022 17:55

@Takingabreakagain

I don't understand why it is up to the brothers whether OP and her DH move? No one is obliged to provide care to anyone now or in the future. Surely MIL like most parents would want her children and grandchildren to have the best life they could?
I was thinking this. The brothers' opinions are neither here nor there.
Hmum0fthree · 10/03/2022 18:04

@Turtley surely if you will be significantly better off DH can visit once a month and even stay over night in a b&b? If he only goes once a month anyway whats the difference Confused

twominutesmore · 10/03/2022 18:14

I think it is a very flawed plan. You are proposing moving 3.5 hours from your DPs family (I actually think you would be very lucky to do that journey in 3.5 hours), your DP doesn't want to go, and you are looking to move - not to an idyllic dream location - but to somewhere really deprived and cheap for good reasons.

Howshouldibehave · 10/03/2022 18:17

That journey is a good 4 hours from us in Essex. I think it’s unlikely you’d be doing it in 3.5 when you have the tunnel to factor in.

Fairyarmpits · 10/03/2022 18:18

That's a really tough one!

YANBU for wanting to move away for financial reasons.

However, how old is MIL? 3.5 hours is a very long way. My parents are in their 80s and live about an hour away. It is too far. My brother is closer but is pretty useless at helping them.

I never foresaw this as a problem but trying to sort things out over the phone is very hard as people age. In my ideal world I would live 10 minutes away and be able to pop in more regularly to check on them. I think short and frequent visits are more manageable and more realistic.

Polyanthus2 · 10/03/2022 18:24

However, how old is MIL? 3.5 hours is a very long way. My parents are in their 80s and live about an hour away. It is too far. My brother is closer but is pretty useless at helping them.

3,5 hours away isn't too far if you only visit once a month which is what DH does.
2 brothers nearby, one who lives with her.
Surely that's enough family to help dMIL . How old is she you still haven't said.

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