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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband keeps crossing the road dangerously with our baby

115 replies

snowmansnowman · 08/03/2022 20:54

My husband has twice crossed the road unsafely with our 7 month old baby. The first time was a couple of months ago, when he ran across the road pushing the pram our baby in it while cars were getting ready to go. It was a red man for pedestrians, and red light for the cars which turned green as he ran across the road. His explanation was “I thought we had time and the cars weren’t going yet.” I had a very firm word with him that it’s dangerous and it can’t ever happen again.

The second time happened tonight. He was wearing our baby in a sling, we came to a traffic light, he pressed our wait button then proceeded to cross straight away, the man was still red for pedestrians. The light for cars were green throughout, cars on both lanes thankfully saw my husband and baby on the road and managed to brake and slow down, so they came to no harm.

I am so livid that he would put my baby at risk. He is generally a careless and clumsy person, and I’ve told him time and time again he needs to be more aware of things now that we have a baby.

At the moment I don’t want him to push the pram or wear the baby in the sling ever again. Am I being over the top? AIBU??

OP posts:
Icemast · 09/03/2022 11:32

he puts me and baby on top of the list always. Unfortunately he has always been a very mindless and careless person.

Well I don't know, he can't even be bothered to wait to cross the road until its safe, not sure in what way that is putting baby first at all. Unless he has additional things going on neurologically then the careless excuse shouldn't wash; it's bloody dangerous and he needs to make a concerted effort.

diddl · 09/03/2022 13:09

"Unfortunately he has always been a very mindless and careless person."

Oh well then.

You'd hope he might consider his baby's safety, but he obviously just hasn't changed how he has always been.

ImInStealthMode · 09/03/2022 13:22

@stuntbubbles I wouldn't cross that way with a child either (in fact if a stranger with a child is waiting to cross the road beside me I will also wait for the green man, even if it's completely clear).

My response was in answer to the poster who suggested it's a bizarre way for an adult to cross the road so perhaps he's foreign.

Again can't comment on the OP's situation as the actual level of risk / danger involved will be perceived differently by different people.

stuntbubbles · 09/03/2022 13:24

@ImInStealthMode Oh, I see - apols for misreading, ironically I was reading on my phone while crossing the road…

ImInStealthMode · 09/03/2022 13:26

@stuntbubbles Dangerous game!! No worries Wink

tinymeteor · 09/03/2022 13:27

Look, you're not wrong to be worried, but some of the responses on this thread are less than constructive. You can tackle this as a team.

You child proof your house when a baby comes along because you can't supervise every moment, so you put in place systems that take some big risks out of play. This is about doing the same for your behaviour. Get the systems right and it goes from a "probably won't happen because I'll be paying attention", to a "can't happen even when I'm having an off day". For example always turning the saucepan handles to the back, using the back hob etc. Never leaving the room during bathtime. These rules aren't an insult to anyone's parenting judgment, they're just failsafes so you can't get it wrong. So talk about them with him, agree them, out loud.

In this example, you and he need to agree that you always wait for the green man however tedious. It's what you'll have to do anyway once they're a toddler and you're setting an example of good road safety.

ikeepseeingit · 09/03/2022 13:32

I think as he’s apologetic you both just need a rule that you can only cross at a crossing with a child if the green man is on. This also sets a better example for the baby as they grow up. My dad used to wander off into the road because he knew he could get across and would leave me and mum behind. It was just something I became aware of. Don’t follow dad because he’s a muppet. If I was only with him he would wait longer though, I think he just assumed mum was watching. He would always wait for the green man when crossing though if there was one.

RandomBasic · 09/03/2022 19:00

it's racist
It's a fact that some parts of the world have different types of traffic. It looks like a terrible tangle, but people get used to driving and crossing in ways that they don't in England.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2022 01:45

What kind of a complete fool thinks the green light for the traffic is green for pedestrians?

The story about being tired sounds like massive self pity on his part. What does he think you are doing all night?

Is he able to sit up and focus on a football game or anything else he's interested in?

My original thought remains top of my list of reasons he's doing this - deep down he resents the responsibility.

Marvellousmadness · 10/03/2022 01:55

You knew he was a careless person. Yabu to think he would change now that you have a baby.
Sorry but that's the truth. And this wouldn't be the second time he has done it. It would have been the second time YOU witnessed it. He wil continue on behaving like this because he is an arse. And arses don't change.

3luckystars · 10/03/2022 02:08

You need to trust your instincts here.

That is the most important thing to come out of this. Trust your instincts. You don’t need anyone to agree with you or back you up. If something doesn’t feel right then it’s not right.

I would not be letting him in charge of the baby, push a pram or carry it in a sling if he was so a bit of a dope, it’s not worth this risk. I wouldn’t care how he took it either or what excuses he made. All the best.

Rickrollme · 10/03/2022 02:09

For everyone who advocates taking unilateral control and forbidding the DH from taking the baby out, does it not worry you to know that treating an adult like that is very bad for a marriage? If you end up divorced he will have plenty of time alone with the baby and you will not legally have a drop of input on how he parents. If you think a judge is going to deny him custody based on your description of his road-crossing habits you are in for a shock. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s the reality so you woiod do well to think about how you handle the situation.

Italiangreyhound · 10/03/2022 02:11

Justilou1 that is heartbreaking.

Agree with alexdgr8 "i think the baby's right to be safely brought to adulthood, which is the primary duty of the parents, trumps all discussions about equal opportunities rights to dash out in traffic as the fancy takes one of them."

3luckystars · 10/03/2022 02:11

Some people stay in a bad marriage just to prevent the dads having solo access because they are useless. I know 2 for definite.

Stressybetty · 10/03/2022 02:21

my exH did this year's ago with our DD in her pushchair. Was absolutely furious with him. He couldn't even explain why he'd done it, it was a relatively quiet residential road and rather than wait for the car approaching to pass he chose to run with the pushchair. We were on the verge of splitting up at that point and it just added to it.

Arabellla · 10/03/2022 06:21

@RandomBasic

it's racist It's a fact that some parts of the world have different types of traffic. It looks like a terrible tangle, but people get used to driving and crossing in ways that they don't in England.
What a load of crap. It’s not a ‘fact’ that it’s normal to put your baby in danger in any country Hmm

This assumption that because he’s careless and thick means that he is foreign is racist.

Polyanthus2 · 10/03/2022 06:44

In China to cross the road you just step off the pavement and cross, very pointedly not looking at oncoming traffic, if the oncoming cars know you have seen them they assume you will avoid them. And in other countries i've been you do not trust the traffic lights as many mopeds etc do not obey them.

Arabellla · 10/03/2022 06:48

None of that relevant is for the UK.

HelloBunny · 10/03/2022 07:03

I had to warn my DH about this sort of thing. He thinks it’s okay, if the road is quiet. It’s not okay! I absolutely hate when I see dads running across the road with their kid (always when mum isn’t there), at the lights. Aren’t you going to teach your child to wait for the green man? Arseholes...

When my baby was small I would tell DH about the various baby requirements, such as sterilising bottles. And he would say, why do we have to do everything your way? Honestly... He once shook our crying baby. I sat him down & very calmly, and precisely explained. He actually listened that time.

Polyanthus2 · 10/03/2022 07:05

@Arabellla

None of that relevant is for the UK.
Posters are asking if he is british. So if he isn't (which he is) it would be relevant. Just making the point.
Dottdoo · 10/03/2022 07:56

@Rickrollme What do you think these men are going to argue?

'I reserve the right to walk across the road dangerously. It is abuse to not let me step out into oncoming traffic while I am carrying our infant. You are not going to stop me - you will be hearing from my solicitor! I want a divorce!'

Or do you think instead of getting divorced they are going to think - maybe I should wise up, start crossing the road safely, earn back the lost trust and get on with our otherwise happy lives?

So with your logic - would you say that if one parent gets drunk while in charge of a baby then the other partner who tries to put down a boundary of - you can never be alone with this child again shouldn't because that's going to lead to a divorce? They should just be quiet and continue? Let the person be drunk while their in charge of their infant child - because it's wrong to put your foot down?

That's what you think? A mother has no right to protect their child when she sees clear red flagged danger if the danger posed is from the father? We should all fear our husbands.

Is this the 1950s? I felt like we'd come on a bit from there!

Arabellla · 10/03/2022 11:24

Posters are asking if he is british. So if he isn't (which he is) it would be relevant. Just making the point.

No, it's not relevant. Putting your baby in danger isn't a thing in any country.

ComeUnderMySexBlanket · 10/03/2022 11:35

@ScrambledSmegs

There was a thread on here many years ago, written by a woman whose husband had a very lax attitude to risk. She did the best she could in supervising etc but he still managed to do something incredibly, hideously dangerous while she was away for a split second. It resulted in their toddler DC being seriously injured and scarred for life.

I'll spare you the details but honestly, I used to think well-meaning parents wouldn't really endanger their children so badly. I thought they just needed to have a bit of autonomy and would then step up to the plate, as it were. That thread showed me how bloody naive I was.

There was a similar, horrific, thread many years ago by a woman whose small child died. OP, YANBU, and you need to sort this out because it is the kind of thing that breaks marriages. The only possible solution is for him to get his act together, now.
picklemewalnuts · 10/03/2022 12:36

@Arabellla

Posters are asking if he is british. So if he isn't (which he is) it would be relevant. Just making the point.

No, it's not relevant. Putting your baby in danger isn't a thing in any country.

Aye, but risk assessment is different in different countries. I was regularly told off for under dressing my baby- seen as putting him at risk- in a tropical country where we were sweltering and had heat rash.

Someone where this photo is unremarkable might not assess risk the same way as me.

My husband keeps crossing the road dangerously with our baby
mathanxiety · 10/03/2022 16:46

@Rickrollme - mothers can't win.

You fail to protect your baby and the police possibly look into charges when the father does something that causes injury.

At the same time, there is almost nothing a father can do that will make a judge deny or restrict visitation or even 50-50 custody. As long as the child hasn't died as a direct result of a father's negligence or recklessness or criminal act the father is good to go.

My exH taught my youngest DD to open child proof medication containers, allowing her to practice on his medication which was toxic if taken by anyone else. A container of little pink pills, so attractive to a little girl of four. Yet I still had to wave her off every second weekend.

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