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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband keeps crossing the road dangerously with our baby

115 replies

snowmansnowman · 08/03/2022 20:54

My husband has twice crossed the road unsafely with our 7 month old baby. The first time was a couple of months ago, when he ran across the road pushing the pram our baby in it while cars were getting ready to go. It was a red man for pedestrians, and red light for the cars which turned green as he ran across the road. His explanation was “I thought we had time and the cars weren’t going yet.” I had a very firm word with him that it’s dangerous and it can’t ever happen again.

The second time happened tonight. He was wearing our baby in a sling, we came to a traffic light, he pressed our wait button then proceeded to cross straight away, the man was still red for pedestrians. The light for cars were green throughout, cars on both lanes thankfully saw my husband and baby on the road and managed to brake and slow down, so they came to no harm.

I am so livid that he would put my baby at risk. He is generally a careless and clumsy person, and I’ve told him time and time again he needs to be more aware of things now that we have a baby.

At the moment I don’t want him to push the pram or wear the baby in the sling ever again. Am I being over the top? AIBU??

OP posts:

Traumdeuter · 09/03/2022 07:22

Definitely not over reacting - when they get older and want to walk, you need to teach them to cross the road sensibly. Doesn’t sound like your H would be up for that.

picklemewalnuts · 09/03/2022 07:26

Instead of telling him off, can you calmly talk to him about the baby being a precious load, that he needs to protect the baby from even small risks, that they are fragile and may not survive something an adult would brush off?

Could you say that it's everyone's worst nightmare, and that you just can't see him the same way if he doesn't have that protective streak as a dad?

That watching your baby dodging traffic was heart stopping for you, as a mum, who'd taken extra precautions to keep the baby safe for the 9 months you carried him- think food restrictions, cigarette and alcohol restrictions as well as being careful crossing the road.

Try talking to him about the emotional stuff rather than the practical stuff. He hasn't had 9 months learning to protect the baby.

I know this should come to him naturally, but sometimes it doesn't.

PermanentTemporary · 09/03/2022 07:30

I think I have low standards for this because my dad was so utterly useless with our safety as children. I didn't expect all that much. Dh still occasionally managed to disappoint me, though I could be careless too. There are parents who simply don't step up on this.

I would ask him if he understands what happened and what you are feeling. That taking risks in a way that bolsters his ego because being cautious would make his dick feel small risks your entire life, because losing a child would destroy you.

RandomBasic · 09/03/2022 07:39

Pp asked if he is from another country where things are done differently. E.g. in some countries if you wait for all cars to stop you'll be waiting all day.

Asking because it is bizzare for an adult to cross this way.

BoldMove · 09/03/2022 08:05

YANBU. Cars don't always stop at red lights during the day let alone in the evening. Abd if it was dark then there's little chance of you being seen. He's an idiot. You don't get second chances there. I wouldn't let him out with dc for now. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're being OTT like some of the posters on here.

theveryhungrycatapillar · 09/03/2022 08:09

I would be furious OP. I am very careful to teach mine that you always wait for the green man (even if the road is clear) and to always cross at a designated crossing even if you have to walk to get to one! So so important. If he wants to risk his life that's fine but not when he's got your child with him.

diddl · 09/03/2022 08:17

It's so hard to comprehend-that's he's actually at a crossing & steps onto the road when he knows that cars are about to go!

I once accidentally biked over a road when it was red for me.

The road had an island in the middle & I looked across at the furthest lights that were green for me.

Very fortunately the car that I rode in front of had just set off from lights & was going slowly.

It was terrifying for both of us!

Why anyone would choose to do that is utterly incomprehensible!

ImInStealthMode · 09/03/2022 08:20

Asking because it is bizzare for an adult to cross this way

You've really never crossed a road without waiting for the green man and all traffic to have come to a full stop?

Someone else may not have considered it safe to cross for various reasons.

Icemast · 09/03/2022 08:22

Is there a chance he is doing it on purpose? I can't comprehend otherwise why he would do this, if there is something else going on and he genuinely can't help it I would not let him take the baby out.

Londondreams1 · 09/03/2022 08:27

@ScrambledSmegs
I remember that thread very well. I remember thinking at the time that I didn’t want to tell her that her husband was far beyond negligent to the point where he had willfully hurt the child by proxy, but had done it in such a way that it was difficult to prove he had malintent, so that he couldn’t be put into jail.
But he definitely created the accident on purpose no doubt about that.

stuntbubbles · 09/03/2022 08:34

I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong in the OP's situation as I wasn't there to see it, but I have definitely, 1000 times, crossed at a pedestrian crossing before the lights have changed when I've considered it safe to do so. Or crossed where there is no crossing.
Same, but not with my kid. Because at some point the baby becomes a toddler then a preschooler and you have to reinforce that you only cross at a crossing, and you always wait for the green man. So you may as well start doing it from the get-go before you reach an age where you suddenly have to change your behaviour and start actively teaching them. I’m also happy with my own level of risk as an adult and sometimes needing to scarper across the road where I’ve misjudged it; I never want to be rushing when toting a kid in case I drop them or lose control of the pram.

Staryflight445 · 09/03/2022 08:43

I remember my mil once, on a busy road was pushing my daughter (she used to annoy me with this anyway as never asked and would just take said pushchair as soon as my hands were off it).

Anyway my daughters toy fell out and without even looking to see if any cars were coming she stopped the pram in the middle of the road to get the toy. I snapped at her and she didn’t see what was wrong.

What on earth is wrong with people and road safety these days?

Original poster

snowmansnowman · 09/03/2022 08:55

Husband is English and born here, so does know the traffic rules but like most people he does often chance it to nip across the road quickly.

We haven’t talked about it yet this morning but I could tell he’s very sorry. He’s not a mean or nasty person, he’s very lovely in fact, says he puts me and baby on top of the list always. Unfortunately he has always been a very mindless and careless person. It makes it more difficult because if he did something with intent at least we can explore and change it, but with carelessness what can I do?

When I asked yesterday why he did that he said “I thought I checked, I saw the green (for the traffic) and thought it was green for us.”

Thank you for all the support and all the suggestions on how to approach it to him. @picklemewalnuts hit the nail on the head - I spend every waking moment thinking about my baby’s development, happiness and safety, it was genuinely my worst nightmare to see that last night.

Really glad to know I’m not alone in feeling all this!

OP posts:

Helenpo455 · 09/03/2022 09:14

I wouldn’t leave him with baby again unless he done a road safety course like a child.
I see this quite often on the school run, particularly the dads, one man specifically puts the stroller in the road while waiting to cross so cars have had to swerve to avoid hitting the baby and many of them don’t even check both ways before walking out into any road, it’s scary. And yes I know women can be like this too before anyone jumps down my throat, I just haven’t seen it.

Soubriquet · 09/03/2022 09:21

I don’t listen to the red/green man but I use my common sense and only cross when it’s safe to cross.

Your dh sounds like he isn’t even doing this. He’s just crossing and expecting cars to stop for him.

Didn’t I read about a husband on here who refused to use reins and it ended with the death of their toddler despite the wife begging him to use reins when out

WetLookKnitwear · 09/03/2022 09:31

YANBU talk to him.

He’s being reckless to save, what, 60 seconds of his day. It’s not worth it.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/03/2022 09:38

I think some posters are massively missing the point. Yes YOU might nip across the road before the green man, just like you might balance a cup of tea somewhere for a second or change a light bulb by standing on a swivel chair. Because the risk is to you alone and it will probably be fine. Adding a tiny baby into the mix changes all these activities into utterly stupid and reckless!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/03/2022 10:00

It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable at all. I had some very close close calls with traffic as a teen and during my 20s, ADHD, head in the clouds. I knew this was an issue for me so, I knew I had to really focus on crossing roads safely once we had our first. At the very least he should be willing to listen to your concerns and consider whether he is taking unnecessary risks with DC safety.

AliceIntWunderland · 09/03/2022 10:15

So much drama, I fear there is a lot of overreaction in this post and it probably wasn’t the close call you say it is.

diddl · 09/03/2022 10:24

"When I asked yesterday why he did that he said “I thought I checked, I saw the green (for the traffic) and thought it was green for us.”"

That of course is possible.

He needs to do more than one check perhaps!

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 10:58

Is he heavily sleep deprived? (I'm guessing you are). He needs to check and double check that the traffic is stopping and the lights for the people are green. Even if the light is green for people that doesn't mean the cars will stop.

Original poster

snowmansnowman · 09/03/2022 11:20

@CowsAreNotGreen we spoke this morning and he did say he was very tired last night and feels sleep deprived. He sleeps 10.30pm-6am, waking up 2-3 times in the night to pass me baby from the crib, but this takes maximum a few seconds and he’s out like a log again so I didn’t think it’s massively disrupting his sleep. I wake 5-6 times through the night, feeding baby for 20-30 minutes each wake, I’m massively tired and still can cross the road safely so I’m finding it hard to relate to him :(

OP posts:

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 11:23

Who earth is voting YABU?!

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 11:25

@Embracelife

Is he very young? He is an adult who doesn't know how to cross the road? Seems a bit odd Is he from another country?

This question that pops up when a man is an idiot or abusive is really racist.

English can be idiots too.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 11:26

I’m massively tired and still can cross the road safely so I’m finding it hard to relate to him yes I'd be the same. It seems his sleep deprivation, whilst not as deprived as you, is affecting his decision making skills. It might be ok if he slows down every time he tries to cross the road and double checks when he thinks the light is green. But tbh I'm not sure I'd take that risk.1

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