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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really worried about my sister?

95 replies

Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 18:17

My sister (36) has a few recent failed relationships behind her (all for different reasons so nothing to do with her) and I feel like with each one that ends she becomes more desperate to find a new one that works (understandably).

She has now met a man (early 40s) who she really likes and who actually seems great - hardworking, fun, responsible and kind. They've been dating a few months and really like each other. He has a 5 yo daughter and is apparently very clear that he really wants another child. I think things with his ex are not that great but OK enough that they can co-parent the child.

My worry is that, given her age, they'd have to get pregnant quite quickly and I'm concerned that this will lead to all sorts of issues with his current child and possibly the ex as well. Everything I've heard about blended families is negative. I want to advise her to get out now before she gets more involved with him. I really don't want her to have her heart broken again, or for him to leave her for a younger woman further down the line given these pressures.

What would you do? AIBU for sticking my nose in? I'm just so worried about history repeating itself...

OP posts:
CreamEggMcFlurry · 08/03/2022 18:21

Yes YANU. Be there for your sister if, and when, she needs you but don't assume you know more about her future than she does.

CreamEggMcFlurry · 08/03/2022 18:22

*YABU

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 08/03/2022 18:23

I would do absolutely fuck all.

He isn't forcing her to get pregnant in the next 3 months. She still has time.

Advising her to finish with him because you don't like blended families will piss her off and will damage your relationship if she stays with this guy.

SummerHouse · 08/03/2022 18:23

Yes, YABU. For the nicest possible reasons. But she is a grown adult who has seemingly found a good man. The technicalities are for them to sort. If he was a raging test, fair game. But writing him off simply because he has a child is only a decision for the potential suiter, not the wider family, however good thier intentions.

WineIsMyMainVice · 08/03/2022 18:25

You can’t really predict that it will end badly. Also 36 is not that old these days - I had my first at 39 and 2nd at 41. So it’s not too much of a rush.
Just be there to support her.

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2022 18:25

What do you mean 'given her age', she'd have to get pregnant quite quickly?

Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 18:28

@worraLiberty just that she is 36 and would probably need to start trying in a year or so's time to give her a good chance of getting pg, but I think that wouldn't leave her enough time to get to know his LO and for LO to get used to the idea of her dad having a baby with a woman who isn't her mum. It just seems like a recipe for disaster.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 08/03/2022 18:30

Honestly, your sister has met a lovely man who wants another child (a real positive if she wants one too) and you want her to dump him? Life is messy. Things are never perfect but there's every chance she'll have a happy future with him. If it doesn't work out, well that's when you step in to support her.

NoSquirrels · 08/03/2022 18:32

You’re way overthinking this.

It’s nice you’re looking out for your sister but you should not say anything at all. Nothing.

I’m sure your sister, being 36 and not 16, is capable of thinking through the challenges and deciding what she wants to do.

All you being negative will achieve is pissing on her parade.

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2022 18:32

Honestly OP, you need to stop walking 10 paces ahead of your sister so you can bubble wrap her life going forward.

She won't thank you for it and quite frankly you're going to put a wedge between the two of you.

Back way off and leave her be.

NoSquirrels · 08/03/2022 18:34

[quote Goodvibes12]@worraLiberty just that she is 36 and would probably need to start trying in a year or so's time to give her a good chance of getting pg, but I think that wouldn't leave her enough time to get to know his LO and for LO to get used to the idea of her dad having a baby with a woman who isn't her mum. It just seems like a recipe for disaster.[/quote]
If she got pregnant in a year’s time she’d have a baby in 21 months’ time - that’s aeons in the life of a child. Absolutely aaaages. Children are adaptable. It’s the grown-ups who find it harder to roll with things. Be more childlike, OP.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 08/03/2022 18:34

Does your sister want a child, if not then he might not be right for her but if she does then it's good that he does too.

Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 18:35

@CheeseCakeSunflowers yes she does

OP posts:
TabithaHazel · 08/03/2022 18:38

[quote Goodvibes12]@worraLiberty just that she is 36 and would probably need to start trying in a year or so's time to give her a good chance of getting pg, but I think that wouldn't leave her enough time to get to know his LO and for LO to get used to the idea of her dad having a baby with a woman who isn't her mum. It just seems like a recipe for disaster.[/quote]
Most of my friendship group had their first child late 30s/early 40s so I wouldn't concern yourself too much about her fertility, in fact just don't interfere at all!

Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 18:39

@CheeseCakeSunflowers I think if it weren't for the ex and the other child then I'd feel much more comfortable. Nothing wrong with having a baby quickly in the right relationship and as I said, she needs to act quickly so as not to miss the boat. I just worry that it'll be ruined for her by awkward dynamics with child and ex-wife. As i said, seems like a recipe for trouble and resentment from both quarters.

OP posts:
MartinMartinMarti · 08/03/2022 18:40

I’m sure your sister knows that age might not be on her side, and that blended families might be tricky.

Equally, she clearly likes this bloke.

Weighing up what she wants to do is her business! If I was her, I’d be serious pissed off with you meddling.

CantStandMeCow · 08/03/2022 18:40

The older she gets, the greater the likelihood of her meeting someone with kids. I don’t think you can stop her from being part of a blended family and there’s no reason you should.

NoSquirrels · 08/03/2022 18:41

GoodVibes is your “sister” in fact you? And you’re worried about being a step mum?

SleeplessInEngland · 08/03/2022 18:41

You sound like a meddler. Stay out of it.

SunshineAndFizz · 08/03/2022 18:43

How many 40 year old men with all the lovely qualities you've described haven't been in a previous serious relationship? There's a very good chance that people you meet in your 30s and 40s will have kids. And let's be honest there are always complications in life...you've got to roll with it and pick your battles. He sounds great, this doesn't sound like a worthy battle. And 36 isn't too old, she's got plenty of time.

Newnamefor2022 · 08/03/2022 18:44

OP it is nice that you have her best interest at heart but you really need to keep your concerns to yourself. Your sister is a grown up, she can make decisions about her own life.

PixieLaLa · 08/03/2022 18:46

I think if it weren't for the ex and the other child then I'd feel much more comfortable

It’s not your situation to feel comfortable or uncomfortable with. You need to let your sister live her own life, I’m assuming your family dynamic is perfect given your judgemental attitude? Hmm

Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 18:47

@NoSquirrels no lol but you'd be forgiven for thinking that because I do get a bit too involved in her life sometimes (and she in mine). There are some boundary issues which is a subject for a whole other thread..

OP posts:
Momicrone · 08/03/2022 18:47

Blimey, life is/can be messy and complicated, leave her be.

runsmidgeOMG · 08/03/2022 18:48

Just gonna throw out there that my family is blended... I have DD with Dex who is now with a new GF who has a daughter... I have a DP.

We make it work, you know why ? because we owe it to our children to model civil behaviour. There are sometimes that me and ex don't agree (exes for a reason) but thats life and we're respectful with it.
This is in no way a dig at people who aren't civil with their exes and Co-parents. There are a number of reasons that an amicable relationship can't be achieved and we're by no means perfect but I take a mild exception to saying that all blended families experiences are negative.

I'll step off my soap box now...