To be really worried about my sister?

[Goodvibes12]

My sister (36) has a few recent failed relationships behind her (all for different reasons so nothing to do with her) and I feel like with each one that ends she becomes more desperate to find a new one that works (understandably).

She has now met a man (early 40s) who she really likes and who actually seems great - hardworking, fun, responsible and kind. They've been dating a few months and really like each other. He has a 5 yo daughter and is apparently very clear that he really wants another child. I think things with his ex are not that great but OK enough that they can co-parent the child.

My worry is that, given her age, they'd have to get pregnant quite quickly and I'm concerned that this will lead to all sorts of issues with his current child and possibly the ex as well. Everything I've heard about blended families is negative. I want to advise her to get out now before she gets more involved with him. I really don't want her to have her heart broken again, or for him to leave her for a younger woman further down the line given these pressures.

What would you do? AIBU for sticking my nose in? I'm just so worried about history repeating itself...

@runsmidgeOMG sorry, didn't mean to cause offence, your setup sounds lovely and grownup and of course it can work. Just going by all the horror stories I have unfortunately heard which far outweigh the good.

What are you basing your attitude about blended families on?

Are you the younger sister OP? It sounds like you have no idea about the realities of dating in your 30s and 40s. Leave her to it, she's doing great.

"How many 40 year old men with all the lovely qualities you've described haven't been in a previous serious relationship? There's a very good chance that people you meet in your 30s and 40s will have kids."

Absolutely this - husband and I are both on second marriage - we have no children together but 6 between us ranging in age from 8 to 26. It's mad and mostly brilliant.

Butt out

[quote Goodvibes12]@NoSquirrels no lol but you'd be forgiven for thinking that because I do get a bit too involved in her life sometimes (and she in mine). There are some boundary issues which is a subject for a whole other thread..[/quote]
In that case, imagine your sister describing you how you’ve described her here: “desperate”, that her “hardworking, fun, responsible and kind” boyfriend is destined to leave her for another woman and repeat history, that she’ll have her heart broken, that this man’s child and ex are certainly going to kick off and “ruin” things; that it’s a recipe for disaster…

Lots of blended families manage to get on well and even thrive.

and as I said, she needs to act quickly so as not to miss the boat

Get out of your sisters womb and leave her to lead her own life. You are way too invested

Just going by all the horror stories I have unfortunately heard which far outweigh the good.

If you’re must basing it on MN, remember that people use boards and Sufism media like this to vent, to work through problems. They don’t generally start posts saying how they’ve recently enjoyed co-parenting and how wonderful blended families can be. Because that’s human nature.

Please stop anticipating trouble!! If I was your sister I would have issues with how far you feel you are in my life and relationships tbh. Did you 'advise' this way in her previous relationships by any chance ?

What do you suggest she does? Break up with this man, online dating for 6 or more months, meets someone she likes eventually, may take a couple of years, decide she does like someone, maybe another year or two, and he may also have a child so same scenario as you outline, by which time she is 40 and struggling with her fertility?

Just keep out of it, your ideas are nonsense.

I’m wondering if some of her failed relationships are to do with too much expectation and pressure from her family. Really it’s 100% her decision and absolutely nothing to do with you.

@Summerfun54321 good point. Our parents have a lot to do with this and are always spouting those unhelpful narratives about sad single women at us (we're both single). I think I internalise them more than she does maybe, and am projecting onto her

@MargotEmin yes a bit younger

Surely that’s her decision? Many blended families are probably happy enough, you just see the worse on here. Either way it’s none of your business despite your well intentions

@Babyvenusplant

What are you basing your attitude about blended families on?

The 99 million threads on here for starters I should imagine!

@FantasticFebruary that's bang on, I look at those threads a lot too as I'm a bit younger and worried about facing similar situations with guys I date in a year or two's time

I think if it weren't for the ex and the other child then I'd feel much more comfortable.

Is this a troll post? Your sister is the only one who needs to decide if she's comfortable. Not you...

@Goodvibes12. It's great you are so caring about your sister. However, you might need to step back a bit.

Blended families can be very difficult, being a step mum can be very difficult, having a baby with a man who already has a child can be difficult, but so can finding someone you live & are compatible with.

Your suster us 36, she has plenty of child bearing years ahead of her and realistically, even if she was to dump this bloke, it's going to take time to find another she wants babies with and who also wants babies, so she's not going to be any better off on the time line!!

His Ex might be a really lovely woman who is just incompatible with him & perfectly fine with your sister being a part of her daughters life. First wives are not are evil but he's - truly! Most want what's best for their kids.

Sometimes you just have to hope for the best!!

Be happy for her& just be there (again) if she needs help picking up the bits if her life.

Try not to worry!!

"
Today 19:28 FantasticFebruary

Babyvenusplant
What are you basing your attitude about blended families on?
The 99 million threads on here for starters I should imagine!"

The problem with (most of) those blended families isn't that they're blended families. It's that they are populated by arseholes. They'd be arseholes if they were Stepford perfect nuclear families too - which a few years back they probably were

You already know there are boundary issues so just step back a bit. People must be allowed to make their own decisions and own mistakes, which of course it may not turn out to be at all. You can advise gently but really you have no what for knowing the outcome of this. Blended families can and do work and with the greatest respect your sister is only 36, I had my first child at 36 and my last at 42. He sounds like he has many good qualities and that they are happy together, you should be very pleased for her.

I mean this gently but as you’re also single is this maybe envy? That she’s met someone, he seems lovely, it works and they might make a go of it. Whilst you still haven’t met anyone? So you want to ruin it for her?

I seriously don't understand the issue OP. You say your sister is 36, wants a child in the future, and has now met and seems happy with a nice guy in his early 40's who is a dad to one child already but has made it clear he'd like another. I just can't see what the problem is ???

You say you recognise that your family is too enmeshed, with poor boundaries. Focus on addressing your part in that, and setting some better boundaries, instead of interfering!

@ricksteinsfishwife that might be true, yeah. Very difficult to hear but you're probably right.