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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really worried about my sister?

95 replies

Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 18:17

My sister (36) has a few recent failed relationships behind her (all for different reasons so nothing to do with her) and I feel like with each one that ends she becomes more desperate to find a new one that works (understandably).

She has now met a man (early 40s) who she really likes and who actually seems great - hardworking, fun, responsible and kind. They've been dating a few months and really like each other. He has a 5 yo daughter and is apparently very clear that he really wants another child. I think things with his ex are not that great but OK enough that they can co-parent the child.

My worry is that, given her age, they'd have to get pregnant quite quickly and I'm concerned that this will lead to all sorts of issues with his current child and possibly the ex as well. Everything I've heard about blended families is negative. I want to advise her to get out now before she gets more involved with him. I really don't want her to have her heart broken again, or for him to leave her for a younger woman further down the line given these pressures.

What would you do? AIBU for sticking my nose in? I'm just so worried about history repeating itself...

OP posts:

SparklingLime · 08/03/2022 19:44

[quote Goodvibes12]@NoSquirrels no lol but you'd be forgiven for thinking that because I do get a bit too involved in her life sometimes (and she in mine). There are some boundary issues which is a subject for a whole other thread..[/quote]
Perhaps address this instead? Could be more helpful.

CrazyBaubles · 08/03/2022 19:47

FGS OP, stay completely out of it.
Some blended families are a disaster, some work amazingly well. Either way, I'm sure your sister is smart enough to think it through - and even if she isn't, it's none of your business!

If she talks to you because she has similar worries, talk it through with her but apart from that, leave it well alone.

kittensinthekitchen · 08/03/2022 19:49

This isn't about your sister, is it?

Your 'older sister' is 36.

You were 'almost 36' in October

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a4385055-To-not-want-to-freeze-my-eggs

If you want to speak about the concerns you have about having a baby quickly with a man who already has a baby, then speak about that; you don't need to dress it up and make it about 'this friend of mine', as that's what has become the focus.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 08/03/2022 19:49

[quote Goodvibes12]@ricksteinsfishwife that might be true, yeah. Very difficult to hear but you're probably right.[/quote]
Fair play to you owning it. Just stay out and try to be happy for her, your time will come.

kittensinthekitchen · 08/03/2022 19:50

(for clarity, I searched past posts to see if i could get more of an insight into the relationship you had with your sister, before posting)

AmyDudley · 08/03/2022 19:50

You use a lot of overly dramatic and negative language 'missed the boat' 'recipe for disaster', you worry about him leaving her for a younger woman, the child not coping with her father's new relationship, problems with the ex wife, your sister's heart being broken. Do you have a tendency to catastrophise every situation in other aspects of life ?
I think your worry is your problem to deal with not something to be shoved onto your sister to spoil her experience. Stop worrying about things that have not and may well not happen.
I know what it is like to have a very close relationship with a sister - I have one too and of course we worry about each other because we love each other dearly. But you've got to have a boundary where you accept she is an adult and is fully capable of running her own life.
An alternative view is that this man is ;the one' for her, they have a wonderful relationship, she has a child with him a lovely relationship with a stepdaughter, and ends up with a huge amount of joy in her life. That is just as likely as your scenario - many blended families are very happy (Its the unhappy ones who post on here because they need help - the ones who are happily living their lives don;t need o post) Wouldn't it be dreadful and sad if you convinced your DSis to break of this relationship for what may be needless worries that you have, and ruin her chance at happiness.
Always be there for love and support, be there to pick up the pieces if things go wrong, but don't interfere or try to influence, it is her life to lead however much you want to protect her. (And 36 is young - my sister had a baby at 45)

Fredstheteds · 08/03/2022 19:51

First at 37, 2nd I will be just 40

Original poster

Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 19:53

@kittensinthekitchen er no, I will turn 36 later this month and she's nearly 37. That post was about a different topic?

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 08/03/2022 19:53

It's not for you to feel comfortable or uncomfortable. It's none of your beeswax. Just let her get on with it. She's a grownup

KneadingKitty · 08/03/2022 19:54

It will achieve nothing other than a likely argument between you. Shes 36. Your input in what she should do is meaningless, sister or not.

Neenawneenaw76 · 08/03/2022 19:54

So glad you're not my sister, you really need to mind your own business, she's 36, not 6!

ErickBroch · 08/03/2022 19:55

'. Everything I've heard about blended families is negative. '

Really? Wow! I better tell my Step-mum to bugger off then, she's only been in my life since I was 2 and all my family get along great. YABU, none of your business and it doesn't even sound like an issue at all.

EthelTheAardvark · 08/03/2022 19:56

Everything I've heard about blended families is negative

Really? I know a few where it works fine. It needs a bit of hard work on all sides, but it's perfectly doable.

katepilar · 08/03/2022 19:56

Its understandable you are worried that your sister gets hurt, but you go a bit far thinking about when she needs to start trying to get pregnant. Thats for her and the man to think about ;)

KneadingKitty · 08/03/2022 19:58

Remember too that you will hear more negative things about blended families because happy families have nothing to say.

katepilar · 08/03/2022 19:58

@ErickBroch

'. Everything I've heard about blended families is negative. '

The OP obviously havent heard of you. You dont need to get offended. She she fine to say about what she has heard about blended families.

Musmerian · 08/03/2022 19:58

Don’t believe everything you read in Mumsnet about blended families (I hate that phrase). It has its challenges but so do all families if people don’t behave like dicks.

BookFiend4Life · 08/03/2022 19:59

You're not a doctor! You don't know anything about her fertility. I certainly hope you haven't told her she needs to get a move on with regard to pregnancy. Be supportive of her, listen if she wants to talk about her new relationship and only voice concern if there are actual red flags, rather than your own worries that her ovaries are shriveling up, the ex will be a bitch, and the DC will be unhappy with a sibling.

ErickBroch · 08/03/2022 20:01

@katepilar my point is that blended families are not default horrible I promise I am not sitting here seething! They can work & be wonderful! My other point is still true... it's none of her business.

Babyvenusplant · 08/03/2022 20:02

@spacehardware

" Today 19:28 FantasticFebruary

Babyvenusplant
What are you basing your attitude about blended families on?
The 99 million threads on here for starters I should imagine!"

The problem with (most of) those blended families isn't that they're blended families. It's that they are populated by arseholes. They'd be arseholes if they were Stepford perfect nuclear families too - which a few years back they probably were

Exactly this!

Whatabambam · 08/03/2022 20:04

You need to back off and give her some space. Who are you to judge, you are her sister, not her guardian. It must be very disempowering for her to know that you sit in judgement.

Prettynails · 08/03/2022 20:04

Nothing to do with you.

I know woman and men who have met and had babies within 9 and a 1/2 months of knowing each other who are happily married 20 years later and women who met and married for 10 years aged 20 and had a child at 30 who are divorced 5 years after that.

So leave them alone.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 08/03/2022 20:05

@KneadingKitty

Remember too that you will hear more negative things about blended families because happy families have nothing to say.

This is an excellent point. Like so many previous posters I think you need to say and do nothing here. She is a grown woman and doesn't need you second guessing her.

Tortabella · 08/03/2022 20:06

Back off. I think it's easy for some sisters to forget boundaries - this is definitely one of those times. Focus on your own life, let her get on with hers.

tkwal · 08/03/2022 20:11

I understand your concerns for your sister but don't give any advice unless it's asked for. Be there for her whether it's to celebrate or commiserate .She's 36, there are many older first time mums now so if she has found "the one" and they have a child together then good luck to both of them

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