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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really worried about my sister?

95 replies

Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 18:17

My sister (36) has a few recent failed relationships behind her (all for different reasons so nothing to do with her) and I feel like with each one that ends she becomes more desperate to find a new one that works (understandably).

She has now met a man (early 40s) who she really likes and who actually seems great - hardworking, fun, responsible and kind. They've been dating a few months and really like each other. He has a 5 yo daughter and is apparently very clear that he really wants another child. I think things with his ex are not that great but OK enough that they can co-parent the child.

My worry is that, given her age, they'd have to get pregnant quite quickly and I'm concerned that this will lead to all sorts of issues with his current child and possibly the ex as well. Everything I've heard about blended families is negative. I want to advise her to get out now before she gets more involved with him. I really don't want her to have her heart broken again, or for him to leave her for a younger woman further down the line given these pressures.

What would you do? AIBU for sticking my nose in? I'm just so worried about history repeating itself...

OP posts:

FavouritePi · 08/03/2022 20:11

You need to address the boundary issues and leave her to navigate her own life, she's nearly 37 and surely capable of doing so.

Focus on yourself.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 08/03/2022 20:12

People only post the negative on here about blended families because they come here for advice. You don't need advice if you're all getting along. I have two friends with blended families. They haven't had dramas. They all manage to co-parent. One of them has an absolutely brilliant relationship with their step-child and their DCs all get on great too.
There's a difference between being negative and supportive OP. That's why you need to back off.

Carriecakes80 · 08/03/2022 20:15

In the nicest possible way, wind your neck in, she doesn't have to get knocked up pretty quick, I'm in my mid forties and having a babe, as was my step mum, who had her first at 47!
You are there to listen to her and pick up the pieces if she gets hurt, you're not there to give permission, nor to like what she does or doesn't do, shes a grown woman! You live your life and let her live hers!

loadofcrap10 · 08/03/2022 20:15

It's absolutely none of your business.

Bromse · 08/03/2022 20:21

They wouldn't become pregnant, she would. Men do not get pregnant.

I think it would be unwise for your sister to set up home with this man but I don't honestly see how anyone, including you, can tell her that. She has to come round to the decision herself. All you can do is be a listening ear and give support when asked for.

We may be wrong and it may work out for your sister, who knows.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/03/2022 20:26

It is none of your business

Jewel52 · 08/03/2022 20:27

You’re out of date, based on my local area most people are having families between 35 and 40. That aside, just take a step back and just enjoy that your sister’s happy NOW. Sure it could go wrong but she’s got a family and no doubt friends to support her. Life’s full of ups and downs

ToastedCrumpetWithCheese · 08/03/2022 20:30

It is okay to be a bit jealous of your sister. You're single, she's only a little bit older than you and suddently she's got a ready made family and plans for a baby. Feeling envious of that is a totally valid emotion.

Acting on it however, is another thing. You need a big smile and a deep breath. It might go wrong, it might not (no one has a crystal ball), but please don't sabbotage it for her. Any regrets she has need to be hers and hers alone, not regrets that she listened to you.

LJAKS · 08/03/2022 20:36

If I had a sister I'd be suspicious 🧐😂 I met my dp when I was 35, he then had a 4yo, I had a 5yo, next month we will be having a baby together. I'm very happy in my blended family, so is his ex, my ex, all good on all fronts with no drama for years. It's very much possible to have a functional blended family. I regret nothing.

Jammybadger · 08/03/2022 20:43

DH and I were in the early days of dating (although had been friends for a while and his dd knew and liked me) and I found out I was pregnant accidentally. It’s not the way I would have liked to order events but we are now happily married with 2 DC and I have a great relationship with DSD

Original poster

Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 20:43

@Bromse why unwise? Same reasons I gave?

OP posts:

HomeHomeInTheRange · 08/03/2022 20:51

Stop the panicking by proxy about her age!

You are on and on about it.

Women have always had babies up until menopause. Yes, the chances of problems occurring rises but thousands and thousands of us have babies in our early 40s. Cherie Blair. Me. Etc.

I hope you are not wittering on at her about needing to get pg quickly?

Skyeheather · 08/03/2022 20:58

I had my first baby at 40 and my second at 44. There are plenty of women on here having babies at 45/46. That gives her around nine years to have a baby, she's got loads of time. Even if she dates him for two years before trying she's only be 38!

MrsJBaptiste · 08/03/2022 21:06

@Skyeheather Yes, on here there are plenty of women having babies at that late age but in reality, it is increasingly harder to get pregnant after you're 40.

Hexuba · 08/03/2022 21:12

Leave your sister alone to rightly live her own life and stop projecting your insecurities and/or lack of procreation opportunities on her! She is an adult who is capable of choosing who the father of her child/children will be, as are you. Would you really appreciate her having such an opinion if you met someone "questionable" you wanted to have a child with?

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 08/03/2022 21:19

Oh you are going to be like my SIL aren't you and the "other child". Sad really.

Honestly back off, none of this is your choice and you have zero bearing on it. Maybe just be happy for your sister that she has found someone and is happy and settled?

PixieLaLa · 08/03/2022 21:20

Been on 3 dates with a new guy I like a lot. He has joint custody of 4yo boy

After reading your post from last month I have to agree it seems more likely that you are the ‘sister’ - in which case you would get much more helpful advice if you posted as yourself.

But if you really are talking about your sister then you are hypocritical given you dated a man with a child yourself.

Original poster

Goodvibes12 · 08/03/2022 21:27

@PixieLaLa yes that's why I'm worried!! After a few more dates with him I got a bit of an insight into how messy it can be, from him telling me about past experiences which he probably shouldn't have done so soon - again material for another post. Not seeing him anymore for that precise reason!

OP posts:

Ireolu · 08/03/2022 21:35

Your adult sister can make her own adult decisions. Non of your business.

spacehardware · 08/03/2022 21:40

You sound like a colleague of mine. Late 30s but won't date anyone who has children or had been married before, they must earn more than her etc etc

She's had about 3 dates in the eight years I've known her 😶

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