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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to plan our wedding but not tell future husband?

90 replies

Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 16:06

Bit of background, we have been together 14+ years, mortgage, dog, baby. We both were never really for a wedding and marriage, just not what we wanted.

Last year following birth of baby and mother in law passing suddenly this left my other half (technically) with no next of kin. (We have legal documents written up for mortgage and pensions etc but have heard it is still pretty difficult if something were to happen to either of us)

Anyway last year he proposed to me, all very low key and no big show or announcement, more so just for us. Since then we haven't really planned anything or even set a date. We are both pretty relaxed about it. One thing that has come up is we have talked about going to Vegas for a few days, getting married then coming home, sorted!

We both love each other and share our lives but feel that marriage would be a big legal formality for us to feel more comfortable if the worse were to happen.

Now this maybe me being a cheapskate but I have BA vouchers from a cancelled NYC trip with the girls from covid lock down.

AIBU to secretly book a 4 day trip to Vegas for us to get married and tell him a few days before?

It kinda just gets it done and we won't have the months planning and people trying to do stuff for us which we would appreciate but just don't want the fuss.

We could always have a party once we get back for celebrate with friends and family.

OP posts:

SilverHairedCat · 08/03/2022 16:09

Lord no, a surprise wedding that he doesn't get any say in? No.

TinySaltLick · 08/03/2022 16:09

Only you can really know if this would be well received or whether it would feel like a theft of the opportunity to plan it.

It might simply be easier to vaguely reference the idea to see if he is happy to proceed in principle - giving you the remit to plan it all worry free knowing he has given the green light

Erinyes · 08/03/2022 16:11

I'd be pretty pissed off not to know my future spouse was planning a surprise wedding that involved me.

Just because you tell him, you don't need to tell anyone else. DH and I got married in London with two witnesses and no one else knew for ages afterwards.

Lou98 · 08/03/2022 16:11

Without knowing your Fiancé it would be impossible to say if it's something he would be happy about or not.

If you have both spoken about a Vegas wedding before why not bring the idea up with him and then you can book it together. No planning involved really but at least you're both then on the same page

urbanbuddha · 08/03/2022 16:11

Yes to all of it except the not telling your partner bit. Marriage is about teamwork - I think he would want to know so that at the very least he can pack his lucky socks.

TootsAtOwls · 08/03/2022 16:12

Why not tell him but nobody else? That way it's still fuss-free but at least he gets to, er, consent

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2022 16:13

This wouldn't work for me, perhaps your partner wouldn't mind. I wouldn't risk it, though. Just ask him.

GooglyEyeballs · 08/03/2022 16:13

I 100% believe you are being very sweet with this idea and it comes from a non-crazy place, but something just doesn't compute in my brain with planning a surprise wedding that the groom isn't aware of!

Ifeelgoodgoodgood · 08/03/2022 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Twizbe · 08/03/2022 16:14

By all means use those vouchers for a wedding / honeymoon but tell him about the wedding

Not least because you both need to be sure you've got all the documents you might need to make it legal.

Tbh, if it's just about the paper work I'd marry here simply and use those vouchers for a nice honeymoon.

Rainbowshit · 08/03/2022 16:16

YABU

TeeBee · 08/03/2022 16:16

Oh lord! I'd swiftly change my mind about marrying someone that did that. It would freak me right out.

BlackishTulips · 08/03/2022 16:17

We are in a similar position re motive for marrying, but I wouldn’t do this.
Is he just a bit disengaged from the work of planning an event? Can you do a bit of a brainstorm to seen if there is anything that gets him interested in it? Maybe you know him well and las vagas would be the perfect thing for you and him, but it’s nice to plan together. I would worry he’d get forgotten if I just went ahead and planned.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 08/03/2022 16:17

I don't understand why you can't tell him and keep it a secret as a couple?

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/03/2022 16:17

Talk to him about it. Get it all planned but not booked and then say "I'd really like us to get married - how does this sound?"

RandomMess · 08/03/2022 16:19

I would suggest going to Vegas and dates and suggest where etc. refrain from making it a big surprise it's just not the thing to spring on someone.

AngelicInnocent · 08/03/2022 16:25

Double check because I've been told that going and getting married in Vegas (or many other places) isn't legally recognised in the UK and you still need to get married at the registry office or something. Not sure if that's true or urban myth though.

Anonymous48 · 08/03/2022 16:30

I don't understand why you wouldn't ask him if he wants to do that. Why make it a surprise, unless you're worried you wont like the answer if you ask?

theemmadilemma · 08/03/2022 16:34

OP, I get a sense that you both view this the same way and the same way my Partner and I do.

We're getting married in August (register office with witnesses only) and it's mainly about tieing up legal ends more neatly, we're already committed in many other ways.

I'm pretty sure if I'd organised something like he'd have been happy to do it.

AlexaShutUp · 08/03/2022 16:36

Tell him, but don't tell anyone else.

I would not like to have a surprise wedding sprung on me, no matter how much I actually wanted to get married!

irishfarmer · 08/03/2022 16:37

I think I'd just get married in the local registry office and go on a really nice honeymoon.

Shesmyperson · 08/03/2022 16:40

Are you taking the baby? If nor someone needs to know because they are looking after the baby.

Can not work out why, if you know he wants to do this, you would not tell him.

I wouldn't be happy at all if dp did this.

mindutopia · 08/03/2022 16:41

I would get married at the registry office and plan a trip away you will both enjoy. Surprise wedding aside, I would not be thrilled with a surprise trip to Vegas if I could go anywhere for lovely time away with dh.

Clarinet1 · 08/03/2022 16:43

This is one of those threads where you have to imagine if the genders were reversed! Is it OK to lure my
female partner on to a plane with no
other known friends or family, fly thousands of miles and then present
her with an immediate wedding?
It could be getting dangerously close to a forced marriage!

sharksarecool · 08/03/2022 16:44

Absolutely don't do this! If you've barely discussed it then you don't know if he's changed his mind, either about the wedding or about certain elements of it. Does he want his parents there, for example?
Ultimately, he cant really give free and informed consent if he only finds out at the last minute and knows you've already spent all the money on it.

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